I think I've become obsessed with Larry Cable Guy's Witless Protection. For some reason, and despite any outside encouragement (outside of the echoing laughter from our nation's small town bars), I can't help but follow the adventures of this sleeveless buffoon. So I don't know if it was the idea of knowing the enemy, the sick self-empowerment I derive from intense hatred, or just pure self-loathing that led me to watch another clip from the film, but I did. And it was awful.
I don't expect anyone else to subject themselves to such blue collared misery, but if you do, try your best to answer some of my earnest questions.
1. Does Larry Cable Guy have a new catchphrase, or was "Boy, it's a good'n!" created exclusively for this clip to hurl me into abject rage?
2. Hasn't this "beat someone up to prove they're dead when they actually aren't" joke been done in a Naked Gun or something before (albeit with fewer undertones of spousal abuse)?
3. Why does LCG continue to talk to her as if she's unconscious when she's obviously waving her fingers in his face?
4. Why is Larry Cable Guy wearing a comedic tuxedo t-shirt, rather than an actual tuxedo, to a funeral? Answered: Larry Cable Guy is funny.
Exclusive Witless Protection Clip [Coming Soon]
Even more upsetting than the idea that Larry the Cable Guy is popular enough to warrant a feature film is sad fact that this will be his third--and at the horribly alarming rate of one a year.
For the first film, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, he was kind enough to remind us that, although he would be playing a health inspector, this would still be our classic Cable Guy character. But audiences are maturing, and in this outing, in a showing of good faith, he simply calls the character "Deputy Larry". We're left to search for clues (sleeveless shirt, trucker hat, exact same f***ing schtick as always) to determine that this is--thank god--our beloved cable installer.
In line with this newfound confidence in his audience, the comedy takes a similarly drastic rise in intelligence. Whether Larry is mistaking the question "Are you insane?" for an inquiry to his name (his name is not "Insane" it turns out; it's Larry), stuffing a corn cob in an exhaust pipe, or being cavity-searched by airport security (topical!), it's clear that our cable guy has been studying humor from as far back as vaudeville to as modern as Leno, and nothing in between.
Why is anyone willing to buy into so many layers of fiction for this guy? I can't even imagine. Bear in mind, this is not the third starring film for Dan Whitney, but rather the third in a series of roles for his catchphrase spewing alter ego. (Larry so succeeds as an artist that he needs to meta-act to fully realize his potential.) No one is writing movies where Chandler from Friends takes on a new profession each year, yet it's just as ludicrous of a concept.
Worse yet, it's not even LCG writing these things; independent, yet clearly defective, people write these for him, a career I can only equate to assembling the launch buttons for atom bombs. Not since Ernest has an idiot playing an idiot playing an idiot been so strangely existent, and I hope it never is again.
Thanks for the tip, Kyle.
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