Weekend Box Office: 'Jackass' Punches Everything Else in the Balls

1. Jackass 3-D - $50 million, the biggest opening ever for a September-October release. Nothing breaks up a nice fall day like watching a man get launched in a port-a-potty.

2. Red - $22.5 million, pretty good considering Jackass's record-setting gross, and that the young hate the faces of the aged reminding them of mortality.

3. The Social Network - $11 million. Are movies about the internet slowly replacing the internet? That will probably be a topic on your local news soon.

4. Secretariat - $9.5 million, because people like stories about horse athletes.

5. Life as We Know It - $9.2 million. Sorry, guys, I still haven't made it out to see this one, so don't tell me whether or not the baby dies in the angry hands of a drunk Josh Duhamel.

Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]

'Social Network' Remains Our Favorite Film

Your weekend box office:

1. The Social Network - On top a second weekend, taking in $15.5 million, it seems The Social Network isn't having any trouble making FRIENDS! ("Friend" is a term used on Facebook website.)

2. Life as We Know It - $14.6 million, barely half what The Ugly Truth made its opening weekend. Could there be a declining interest in watching Katherine Heigl argue with a douchebag until she ends up accidentally falling in love?

3. Secretariat - $12.6 million--a weaker opening than Seabiscuit, but much stronger than the 1988 Bobcat Goldthwait comedy Hot to Trot.

4. Legend of the Guardians - $7 million, completing thousands of audience members' owl vision quests.

5. My Soul to Take - $6.8 million, just enough to earn it a parody in the deleted scenes of the Scary Movie 6 DVD.

Weekend Box Office Results [Box Office Mojo]

'Secretariat' Trailer, Just in Time To Show All My Buddies at the OTB

Watch out, Seabiscuit, Hot to Trot, and that movie about a racing zebra, there's a new movie about a horse athlete vying for the title of "First or Second Movie You Think of That's About Horse Racing." For it: this one has one of our best looking middle-aged ladies (Diane Lane) and a flamboyant John Malkovich. Against it: it's still a melodrama involving a thoroughbred horse.

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John Malkovich Playing a Jockey?

That doesn't make sense, does it? He's 6'1". Yet still:

John Malkovich is set to join "Secretariat," the Randall Wallace-directed drama for Disney.

Malkovich will play Lucien Laurin, the former jockey who became the trainer of the 1973 Triple Crown-winning racehorse. At the core of the film is the relationship between the horse and his owner, Penny Chenery (played by Diane Lane), a housewife who knew little about horse racing when she took over her ailing father's Virginia horse farm.

Disney, if I want to watch a film about the relationship between a racehorse and its owner who knows little about the sport, I'll stick with with Hot to Trot. That way I also get the added benefits of a full monthly dose of talking horses and Bobcat Goldthwait voice.