Jean-Claude Van Damme Up for 'Avengers 2', By the Way, If That's What Thor Wants
As we've already learned he's wont to do, Jean-Claude Van Damme has found himself once again getting a little too excited in public.
'Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning' Trailer: Lundgren and Van Damme Together Again, Sort Of
Just as Stallone and Schwarzenegger are re-teaming for The Tomb, Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme too have found their prominent veins inescapably intertwined after The Expendables 2. The two giants of beating people up next share top billing in Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, a sequel that sees Lundgren and Van Damme returning to the mindless roles they first played twenty years ago, but now with less hair. Judging by this trailer, it doesn't look like two will ever actually share the screen--and it seems like Van Damme may do absolutely nothing but morosely stare, eternally considering better choices he could have made in his portrayal of Guile--but if you've been keeping up with the series, you'll definitely want to give this a look. Your standards have already dropped this far, so why stop now?
'Kickboxer' Cut Down to Just the Narrative Arc of the Kicking
If you ever suggested the 1989 Jean-Claude Van Damme film "Kickboxer" should just be called "Boxer," prepare to feel like an idiot for four minutes and 52 seconds.
Photographic Evidence of Van Damme and Chuck Norris Being Expendables
Those skeptical that such career-height giants as Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris would ever agree to share the spotlight today eat their words, as there are now actual photos of both noted jumpkickers on the Bulgarian set of The Expendables 2. Above, JCVD playfully lightens the mood by pretending to end his life, presumably unable to cope with the shame of Double Impact and a televised erection. Oh, Jean-Claude, you always know just the jokes to make immediately following the unfortunate death of crew.
Below, see Walker, Texas Ranger standing alongside He-Man--the image 1988's adolescents demanded, at last realized.
'Lone Ranger' Costs So Much Due to Native American, Presumably Hunky Werewolves, and More...
- Hayley Atwell, Alexa Davalos, and Rosamund Pike seem to be the three actresses up for the female lead in One Shot, the Christopher McQuarrie film that's cast Tom Cruise as a character (Jack Reacher) written as a 6'5", 250-pound dude. According to THR, all three have read for the part, so now it's all going to come down to who does best on Cruise's subway platform stress test.
- If you were wondering why Disney's The Lone Ranger--a film ostensibly about a couple guys riding on horses--was going to cost upwards of $200 million, here's your answer: Native American werewolf CGI. You obviously forgot to take into account that Twilight characters would inexplicably appear in The Lone Ranger.
- Turns out Kevin Smith's film adaptation of Warren Zevon's Hit Somebody is actually going to be two films based on Warren Zevon's Hit Somebody.
- You're going to get a final 16 episodes of Breaking Bad that will finish off the series, after which point Bryan Cranston will explode in a beacon of light and rain down little Cranston cameos in every film we make for the next decade.
- Jean-Claude Van Damme has agreed to play a retired military advisor in the British sci-fi film UFO, and I'm just going to say right now that isn't going to be a very good film. Do retired military advisors even spin kick things?
- Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark star Reeve Carney will star as Jeff Buckley in a still-untitled authorized (because there's also an authorized one that will star a Gossip Girl guy) biopic on the musician. So Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark will probably kill him soon, just to be an asshole like that.
'Paul' Poster Leaves Simon Pegg in Awe Over Light Source, Muppets Cameos, and Other Things
- If you want to be surprised by all the celebrity cameos in the new Muppets movie, stop reading this, because I'm about to tell you that Alan Arkin, Jack Black, Billy Crystal, and Jean-Claude Van Damme will join Zach Galianakis and others in the film. Pray Van Damme's part doesn't require him to dance with Miss Piggy.
- Gerard Butler is in talks to join Afterburn, Antoine Fuqua's adaptation of the post-apocalyptic comic published by Red 5. Gerard would reportedly play one of many rival treasure hunters scavenging the ravaged Earth for famous artwork and similar valuables. Then, in the sequel, they'll gather all the found artifacts into a museum, only to have the items magically come to life to the frustration of now-security guard Gerard Butler.
- Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg have been hired to do a re-write on Neighborhood Watch, Fox's film concerning a group of dads who form a fake, fraternal neighborhood watch organization as an excuse to spend more time with "the guys"; things get wacky when the group somehow "uncovers a plot bent on destroying the world." I'm assuming it's rights issues keeping this from being called Wild Hogs 2: Neighborhood Watch.
- Finally: remember how I mentioned affable screenwriter Mike White might direct Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, the film that will finally consider what happens if we add wacky things to classic literature? Well, he is.
(Poster from Empire.)
Van Damme and Lundgren Consider Doing 3D Universal Soldier a Good Idea
Last year, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren decided a good way to sweep the legs on their returns to semi-respected relevancy (with JCVD and The Expendables, respectively) would be to make another fucking Universal Soldier movie. Not what I would have done, but hey, I can't do a 360-degree crescent kick either, so whatever. We can overlook that misstep. What's next then, guys?
Oh:
The muscles from Brussels will star with his regular sparring partner Dolph Lundgren in Universal Soldier IV. Mark Damon’s Foresight is selling this action flick, which starts shooting in October. John Hyams, who directed last year’s reboot Universal Soldier: Regeneration is behind the camera again.
This time it's in 3D, and you know what that means! The DVD will come with some little glasses.
Van Damme and Lundgren Want to Remind You They Don't Give a Shit
For Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren, the last couple years have probably been the best since their fall from ass-kicking relevance to straight-to-video sadness in the '90s. Last year, Van Damme starred in JCVD, a self-aware comedic drama that received high marks from critics and fans; this year, Lundgren has been working on the set of Sylvester Stallone's The Expendables, a high profile action film that unites the star with the likes of Stallone, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham and other former/current action greats.
So, in case you were starting to get the wrong impression, that these two might be headed for greener jump-kicking pastures, they've decided to team up again and make another fucking Universal Solider movie. Just to make sure you know that they still don't give a shit. Whatever you'll pay them to do, straight-to-video producer.
I barely paid attention to this trailer, but I think the idea is the 1992 Mel Gibson film Forever Young with guns and an MMA fighter:
'Eagle Path' Promo: Van Damme Wishes He Were as Free as a Certain Bird
TwitchFilm has posted a new promotional trailer for Jean-Claude Van Damme's latest, presumably straight-to-dvd action film, The Eagle Path. In the below embedded video you will find:
- Eagle imagery
- Eagle imagery blatantly, immediately explained.
- Van Damme explaining that he'll protect a woman.
- Van Damme expressing the emotion pictured above.
- Van Damme reiterating he'll protect a woman.
- A man beating Van Damme with a stop sign and a bicycle.
- More eagle imagery.
- 360-degree kick foreshadowing (a group of thugs make the mistake of encircling our hero).
- Van Damme putting together his own A-Team (VD-Team?).
- Van Damme wearing a ridiculous mustached chauffeur disguise.
- Even more eagle imagery.
- Van Damme punching, kicking, and shooting a bunch of dudes (obviously).
- Vague hints at the significance of a particular avian creature.
Enjoy:
'JCVD' = Jean-Claude Van Damme = Maybe Great
It still makes no sense to me that JCVD looks good. It seems so desperate and easy, Jean-Claude Van Damme agreeing to play himself, mocking his career--like so many scandal-makers doing SNL cameos to win back the public--but somehow it works. Even with this brief trailer, Van Damme makes himself entirely sympathetic and surprisingly funny, and I come away really wanting to like the aging action star--and desperately hoping rumors of Universal Solider III aren't true. Please don't go from JCVD to that, Jean-Claude. I only took you back because you promised not to drink anymore, and doing another Universal Solider is like running straight to the terrible action movie liquor store.
J.C.V.D. on 'J.C.V.D.', Public Shirtlessness
MTV has a new interview up with Jean-Claude Van Damme, in which he discusses his dissatisfaction with previous roles, his park in the upcoming J.C.V.D., and future directorial projects, with such choices quotes as:
My body looks like 30 but my face looks like 50. But I cannot walk bare-chested in the streets.After 37 movies, I said, "I will never do another movie I would not like." What Mabrouk did to me, it's like Scorsese did to De Niro years ago.
Worth reading if you're interested in why Van Damme turned down both Rush Hour ("I cannot go and do three somersaults. I would feel like a monkey.") and a Street Fighter sequel (sudden dignity?), or just for his lofty J.C.V.D. summary. Plus, this gives me another excuse to post this.
Van Damme Attempts Humor, WWJD-style Notoriety, with JCVD
I don't know if it's sadder that Jean-Claude Van Damme is attempting to poke some fun at himself with this fake biography, JCVD (a pre-sell teaser for Cannes), or that it's light years from being the funniest video of Jean-Claude Van Damme on the internet, which is here.
