'Fat Kid Raised by Whales, Becomes Olympic Swimming Champ' Will Be a Movie
No, really, that's going to be an actual movie.
Popular S&M E-Book Becoming 'Mommy Porn' Movie
Fifty Shades of Grey is apparently the erotic e-book all of our horniest mothers are clandestinely reading under the camouflage of e-books not having covers that reveal what horny mothers are reading. Promisingly developed from Twilight fan-fiction (yup), the novel--largely dubbed "mommy porn"--has spent the last two weeks at the top of the New York Times Best Seller List despite dealing with taboo, highly-sexual subject matter lays out just the deviant power-play scenario your horny mom wishes she had instead of you. And now Fifty Shades of Grey is going to be a movie.
You're Getting a 'Mr. Ed' Movie
As the white-hot heat of Hot to Trot cools with age and the breeze of Bobcat Goldthwait's comical shouting, the need has come for another talking horse film to bear the saddle of gut-busting laughter. To fill that stable, Fox 2000 has purchased the films rights to Mr. Ed, CBS's early 1960s series about a pet horse that would talk only to its master, making for some wild and hilariously awkward situations if you didn't view the whole thing as a sad portrait of equine-themed mental illness. No writer or director is yet signed, but producers do already have a clear vision of at least one element of the production: while the TV series used a real horse that was coaxed into moving its mouth through training, string, and--depending who you talk to--mouthfuls of JIF, the film, too, will employ an actual horse but will use CGI to make the speech movement look natural. Real respectable-like, you know? Like Marmaduke.
Might as Well Make Another 'Percy Jackson & the Olympians' Movie
Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief opened last year to generally tepid reviews and only $88 million gross over a $95 million budget. Overseas, however, it made another $127 million, which sure makes Fox 2000 pleased enough to give the film a sequel! With Harry Potter and Friends soon leaving theaters for good, the studio has decided this would be a pretty good time to get going with another magic boy franchise, and they're reportedly exercising their option on star Logan Lerman, basically forcing the 19-year-old to continue to pretend he's a high school demigod. Thor Freudenthal, director of Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Hotel for Dogs, has been hired to direct, and he doesn't even want to hear our snarky "another movie with schoolboys, huh?" shit. His friends have surely already said it.
One of These Three Young Ladies Will Feel Twilight Werewolf's Abs
As Fox 2000 searches for someone to convincingly stare longingly into the dim eyes of Twilight's Native Were-merican, Taylor Lautner, the studio is down to three actresses to start opposite him in Incarceron. Emma Watson, Blake Lively, and Jennifer Lawrence are reportedly the frontrunners for the female lead in the adaptation of the sci-fi/fantasy jail-world film.
Honestly, Watson seems the obvious choice, yeah? The legions of Twihards, the Harry Potter die-hards... what a sad little mixer we could have!
Also: did you realize Taylor Lautner makes 8 figures a film now? That is so many figures.
