Want Eli Roth to produce a movie for you? Here's a shortcut: make a ridiculous fake trailer, post it on YouTube, and call it an Eli Roth film. The rest will take care of itself. Such is the lesson we can draw from Jon Watts and Christopher D. Ford of Waverly Films. A month ago, they posted a trailer for Clown, a horror spoof about a dad who, filling in for his son's absent birthday entertainment, finds himself unable to remove the clown get-up he put on. Today, the jokey "from master of horror Eli Roth" title they put in the trailer became surprisingly accurate when Roth revealed he'll be producing a feature-length version of their trailer. Because if Hobo with a Shotgun is going to be real, Clown might as well, too, right? If only we'd had the foresight to combine the two concepts. Red Skelton, you were ahead of your time.
Anyway, here's the trailer that just got these guys a pretty decent job:
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Not the one with Tiffany, Greg Brady, and a piranha so large and agile it bites a helicopter out of the air. This is Piranha 3-D, the one with Elisabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Richard Dreyfuss (reprising his role as "guy in a movie about killer fish"), and Christopher Lloyd (reprising his role as "really crazy-acting scientist in decreasingly respectable films"). Which film will come out on top? I'm tempted to say the one that has actual actors rather than, say, '80s pop sensation Tiffany, but I'll let the trailer speak for itself.
Whereas Mega Piranha has big-ass piranhas, this film seems to instead be going the route of Terminator piranhas familiar enough with sci-fi pop culture to replicate that shot from Alien 3:
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Piranha 3-D: It's Jaws, but with Piranha. And in 3-D, like Jaws 3-D. And instead of Roy Scheider, we've got Elisabeth Shue. And instead of Quint, we've got Christopher Lloyd, Jerry O'Connell, and Eli Roth, playing "Wet t-shirt contest emcee." But as you can see above, Richard Dreyfuss is still there, so it should all work out just fine.
Here's the professionally bootlegged teaser trailer:
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Seeing Mike Myers doing an accent in facial prostheses and not being expected to politely laugh is still more jarring than any of the graphic bloodshed:
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I know the glossy, perfectly-reflective surfaces of Web 2.0 is the hot right now (at least until Web 3.0, which I anticipate will see a return to lens flares and "under construction" gifs), but there are some things that should not look like they're being purchased from the shadowless, lazily-mirrored floor of Apple's online store. Brutal Nazi-slaughterers are one of those things. Instead of white, reflective floor, how about... we can see down into the fiery pits of Hell, and amongst the screaming, scalped Nazis, the Devil himself is using his own urine to extinguish the surrounding flames in a frantic attempt to hide himself from Brad Pitt's band of insane, vengeful killers.
Sorry, I get most of my poster ideas from death metal lyrics.
Inglourious Basterds Poster [Bad Taste] (via JoBlo)
Aside from being a basterd, I'm starting to get the impression he's also Jason Schwartzman's douchebaggy, weapon-obsessed, older brother.
Inglourious Basterds Poster [Trailer Addict]
If it were like the '40s and I was enlisting as a Nazi, I would hope, before signing the final paper, someone would show me this video just to get me the fair warning: "Look, being a Nazi, yes, you get the glory of fighting for our führer, and of course there are all the beautiful Aryan girls, but there's also Brad Pitt and these eight other dudes that want to mercilessly torture and kill us, and with Pitt asking for 100 scalps a piece, that's at least 800 of you who are going to be praying for death as Eli Roth beats you with a Louisville Slugger. Just so you know."
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Variety is reporting that Quentin Tarantino's pal Eli Roth is up for the role of a "baseball bat-swinging Nazi hunter" in Inglorious Bastards, and, in more what the eff territory, always-trustworthy "sources" are saying Britney Spears is in talks to play a lesbian stripper in QT's remake of Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! From the more interesting story:
Spears' character murders the boyfriend with her bare hands before taking the girlfriend hostage. The troubled singer will also have sex scenes with another girl before the drama ends in a blood-bath.
Tarantino is in discussions with other Hollywood stars to take the roles of the remaining two strippers.
A source said: "Quentin is convinced Britney will be brilliant. She's delighted. She thinks it could turn her career around.
Back in the Pulp Fiction days, Tarantino became sort of known for his ability to revive a dying career when he cast John Travolta in a lead role, but this is a whole new level of joke career he's dealing with. In 1994, Travolta was surprising because he'd been doing almost nothing but TV movies and Look Who's Talkings for years prior. Seeing him as Vincent Vega, it was believable because he'd been such a non-presence for so long that you could forget it was John Travolta. Casting Britney Spears doesn't work that way. It's like casting current John Travolta, aggravatingly prominent in the public eye because he's a nutcase. No matter what role she takes, there's no way to forget or forgive you're looking at Britney Spears. Maybe I'll be proved wrong, but the best case scenario I can see is leaving the theater thinking, "Wow, she really took me back to the time when it would have been shocking and/or desirable to see her as a stripping lesbian."
As reported by Billboard and since confirmed by CHUD, RZA has written a martial arts movie, and will be directing the film, titled The Man with the Iron Fist, with the help of Eli Roth. Normally news of a rapper making a film would be disconcerting (see Fred Durst's Longshots trailer, if you're willing to use the term "rapper" loosely), but RZA has extensive knowledge and long-standing love for classic martial arts cinema, and he's been studying filmmaking under the tutelage of Quentin Tarantino, so there's some hope. Plus, Eli Roth gives it his dubious endorsement:
Yes, it is true. RZA's script is amazing. He has been studying directing with Tarantino for years. and he's really ready to get behind the camera. His impact on rap music and hip hop culture cannot be measured, and he's ready to add his own unique style and vision to the world of film. This movie will have everything martial arts fans could want, combined with RZA's superb musical talent. This project has been his dream for years, and I'm thrilled to be a part of it. And fans should know that yes, there will be blood... This ain't no PG-13.
Of course, while this may prove a decent effort, my favorite rapper-directed martial arts film will forever be Philthy Phil Philips' 1995 masterpiece, City Dragon. If you have yet to behold this cinematic fusion of rap, kung fu, abortion issues, and workplace sexual harassment, you should pick it up at your local dollar store DVD rack, where it is widely available. Or at least watch the scene below the cut, in which MC Kung Fu is forced to unleash his nunchaku wrath on some dudes after they ruin his ice cream.
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Man, it was really great how that guy with the ball-gag was getting hacked up with a chainsaw, but I can't help but wish my children could partake in this, but at a level of violence that wouldn't permanently scar them. Would anyone actually say that? You wouldn't think, but apparently Eli Roth's friends have. The Hostel director told reporters at the NME awards that everyone he knows has been saying, "When are you gonna do a movie my kids can see?" In response, he announced a break from so-called "torture porn," turning his attention to a PG-13 mass-destruction-sci-fi film. So there. Now are you happy, all you people Eli Roth knows who really want you kids to see his films?
Hostel director ditching horror with new film [Reuters]
Following Uwe Boll's rant yesterday--in which he thew insults at Michael Bay, Eli Roth, and George Clooney--responses from all parties have already flooded in thanks to the power of internet-speed communication. Here they are.
Michael Bay's response: "I find people who rant like that - calling shit about both me, and George Clooney - comes from someone screaming because he is not being heard. He is obviously a sad being. When you ask 'do I care'? Not in the slightest."
Eli Roth's response: "GREATEST COMPLIMENT EVER. That is just further proof of what a genius Sasha Baron Cohen is. That’s his best character yet!"
George Clooney's response: An air of unending charisma and self-satisfaction, as always.
Uwe Boll's response to their responses: Rob at RobOnt Radio passed along his interview with the director, in which he basically says he was using those big names as archetypes for the Hollywood Director, and no malice was intended. Also that he propositioned a room of 800 dentists for money?
My response: Drifting towards something akin to this. Let him work; let him live. Otherwise it's one less thing for me to deride.
I've realized a clever connection between the holiday Thanksgiving and Eli Roth's Grindhouse trailer, Thanksgiving, (they have the same name!) and posted it under the cut. Yes, it's old, but it's still entertaining, and at least it will give you something to watch between football games and family arguments.
Happy Thanksgiving! I'll be back Monday, only fatter.
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"Yeah, she's a professor.. OF BEING A DOG! FACE!"
Based on the success of the fake trailers in Grindhouse, Eli Roth is planning a movie that consists entirely of trailers. And the trailer for that movie is going to BLOW YOUR MIND.
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