His brain permanently scarred by the CGI film scratches of Grindhouse, Robert Rodriguez continues to joyfully exhibit the uncontrollable twitch of winking at B-movie action with Machete Kills. Here's the first trailer to show off the sequel's many improvements, like Machete's triple-machete, Sofia Vergara's breast guns, Antonio Banderas's mustache, Mel Gibson's cape, President Charlie Sheen's return to being Carlos Estevez, and, perhaps most laughably kitschy, Cuba Gooding Jr.
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- British actor Tom Mison will reportedly star as Ichabod Crane in Fox's pilot for Sleepy Hollow. The show of course modernizes the tale, but probably not the way you're thinking: Crane somehow time-travels to the present day, where he joins the modern Hollow police force and at last gives Washington Irving's tale of a decapitated ghost jockey the few extra levels of convolution it always needed.
- With several networks already interested, Maya Rudolph is reportedly working on bringing back and hosting a variety show, before NBC ends up turning Up All Night into one.
- Scary Movie 5 will for some reason not be the last time we see Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan reclined together outside a funeral parlor. Lohan has now signed on for a guest appearance on Sheen's Anger Management series, where she'll play his patient-cum-love-interest and, naturally, herself.
- Alicia Silverstone has joined Lifetime's pilot for HR, a series that would see her as a human resources director who "inspires the business to strive for new ambitions and profits" following a personality-altering head trauma. See? There's a way through the glass ceiling. Concussion.
- AMC's Revolutionary War-era drama Turn has found a lead in Jamie Bell. He'll play a black market cabbage farmer captured and turned a Patriot spy, because originality is dead.
- Chris Onstad's cult-adored webcomic, Achewood, might be becoming a series. Here's some test footage:
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While Marlon Wayans has moved on to explore his own, more personal vision of fart jokes with his horror-parody side project A Haunted House, the Weinstein Company continues to play with the Scary Movie name and a replacement band for the upcoming Scary Movie 5. Both provide the smooth sounds of slapstick played over Paranormal Activity beats, but while Haunted House has the classic vocals of Wayans screaming, only the Scary Movie brand had the cachet to attract guest tracks featuring the shrieking of Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, so keep that in mind when you're deciding where to spend your yearly horror spoof allotment. Don't worry: both involve some testicle gags, so no matter which you pick, you've already won.
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Out of view of the all-seeing wide lens of Wes Anderson, Bill Murray, Jason Schwartzman, and Moonrise Kingdom co-writer Roman Coppola have snuck away for some private playtime that's a little less orderly but full of unlikely costumes nonetheless. In A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III--Coppola's first feature directorial effort since 2001's CQ--Charlie Sheen stars as the title character, a graphic designer who's really into airbrushed food paintings and now heartbroken over being dumped. The grief sends him into a downward spiral and some kind of highly-stylized, seemingly-fantasized battle of the sexes ensues, with Schwartzman and Murray in tow as the Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones of this, the trippiest episode of Two and a Half Men to date.
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Though a recently-faked bout of walking pneumonia was reported to have threatened Lindsay Lohan's scheduled appearance in Scary Movie 5, it appears that, as always, the actress somehow managed to stumble her way into bed again. Here she is alongside Charles Sheen in the first photo from the sequel, said to open with a scene in which the lovably errant celebrities poke fun at being terrible and share a kiss no one ever asked to see. Had to up the sexual tension of Dr. Phil and Shaq somehow.
The sad venn diagram overlap between Scary Movie 5 and the Machete franchise increases.
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Because the inclusion of Mel Gibson was apparently not enough to communicate that Machete Kills is not a very serious motion picture, and because Lindsay Lohan was already in the first one, director Robert Rodriguez has added the perpetually-triumphant Charlie Sheen to the cast of his latest film. He will be the President of the United States, and then he shall be officially rehabilitated, I guess.
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In his first film project since becoming such a huge asshole, Charlie Sheen will play the title character in A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charlie Swan III, thus infusing the indie film with his gift of tiger blood and all that. Written and directed by Roman Coppola--who directed CQ in 2001, but since has limited his workload to writing and second unit directing with Wes Anderson and fellow Coppolas--Swan follows a hugely successful graphic designer whose meteoric rise into money and fame ends up sending him into a downward spiral. What a tragically Lisa Frank-ian tale that will be. Also joining the cast: Jason Schwartzman, who does not have Adonis DNA but does have Coppola DNA, which may not have as high a win percentage but does get you pretty far in Hollywood.
Of all the apologies Charlie Sheen could make for his behavior, the actor has decided to start with Major League? Yuuuuup. Calling the series' third film an "abortion," the Two and a Half Men star has vowed to make reparations for abandoning the franchise after two movies, forcing Scott Bakula to be the star of the abysmal Major League: Back to the Minors. According to TMZ, Sheen is pretty serious about reprising his as Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn, and is doing "everything in his power to get a Major League 3 [he doesn't see Back in the Minors as League canon] movie on the big screen." Which I'm assuming means he'll be showing up on the Warner Bros. lot with the expectation of shooting, and otherwise go back to reckless hedonism. But, in the unlikely event that somehow happens, what do you think?
Say it isn't so, Sources!
According to People, this may be Charlie Sheen's last season on CBS's non-CSI flagship, Two and a Half Men.
After seven seasons, CBS’s hit sitcom Two and a Half Men will be down one man after the April 9 taping, sources tell PEOPLE. The reason? “Charlie’s just done,” says a set source. “And he’s quietly telling his friends he’s not coming back.”
Splitting his time among a tedious sitcom, domestic abuse, rehab, and doing drugs is probably taking its toll. This should be good for him. Probably not so good for that chubby half-man, though. From the day Two and a Half Men wraps, he has no more than four months before he'll show up on TMZ with a goatee and a crack pipe.
So now where will we turn to for a sitcom so formulaic it borders on parody? That David Spade one with Puddy?
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