I can't imagine Tom Cruise is much of a drinker, but if you were able to get him away from Katie and Xenu for an all-night binge, the basic elements of this trailer for Rock of Ages are what I figure you would end up with: Tom Cruise strutting around with shirtless bravado, Tom Cruise emphatically belting out well-known rock standards, Tom Cruise briefly lying down in shameful self-reflection, Tom Cruise bitterly introducing us to his monkey, etc. This is exactly why Tom Cruise should not do tequila shots nor jukebox musicals.
Combining Tom Cruise and a jukebox musical must have seemed like a good idea at some level. Both come with an inherent loud exuberance and broad familiarity that has made My Moms nationwide take pause and nod approvingly when either appears on a morning show. Unfortunately, those same traits are what make the two so largely insufferable to normal humans evolved to be intolerant of toothy maniacs and Broadway-style rock covers, so before you watch this trailer for the Tom Cruise-starring film adaptation of Rock of Ages, prepare for it to go down rough and leave long, irritating wig hairs lingering in your mouth for days. Even Alec Baldwin's commanding rasp can't save this much camp:
Just over a year ago, a 3D version of The Nutcracker--appropriately titled The Nutcracker in 3D--starred Elle Fanning, opened for about three-and-a-half weeks, and, domestically, made a total of $195,459. You might think that would scare studios off any Nutcracker adaptations for a while, but you would be wrong, because studios don't even give a shit. By July of this year, already Universal decided they'd give a 3D Nutcracker another shot-- but maybe without any Fanning this time--and now there's a competing project, as has become requisite for all royalty-free property-based movies. This one comes from New Line, where they've got Adam Shankman in talks to direct.
Though Shankman's tendency towards the musical (he directed Hairspray and the upcoming Rock of Ages) would seem to imply the film would turn to the ballet and high school glee club for inspiration, Deadline reports New Line's take is instead going all the way back to the original 1815 book by E.T.A. Hoffman. It's also apparently going back to that time in 2010 when Tim Burton made Disney a billion dollars, as this new take "aspires to be similar in tone to Alice in Wonderland." At last, we'll see the long-restrained dark side of the director of The Wedding Planner, Bringing Down the House, Cheaper by the Dozen 2, Bedtime Stories, and Zac Efron's Pool Party. Or we'll see Steve Martin with his cheeks painted rosy. That's probably more likely.
Well, looks like Alec Baldwins pleas--begging to not be in a jukebox rock musical--fell on deaf ears, because today Rock of Ages director Adam Shankman produced this first photo of Baldwin and co-star Russell Brand on the film's Miami set. If you're wondering why the actors look like two-thirds of a county fair cover band, the reason is that they sort of are: those who have seen the Broadway show tell me that, amidst the musical's constant showy rock covers, these two characters perform REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling" together. Sounds like my Cool Rock compilation is headed for the dumpster!
- Thor's Chris Hemsworth is reportedly the frontrunner to take over the Snow White and the Huntsman lead that was vacated by Viggo Mortensen and turned down by Hugh Jackman. You might want to take a real close look at if there might be a reason no one wants to take this girl to prom, Chris.
- Universal is serious enough about having McG direct a Ouija board movie that they've hired the writer of Battle for Terra and over half-a-dozen straight-to-video animated Disney sequels to do a rewrite the screenplay, and hopefully give it that certain Cinderella III: A Twist in Time quality it's lacking.
- Just when we thought she might be an actress again, nope, Lindsay Lohan won't be joining the Gotti biopic after all. She'll just stick with being a body odor-like lingering social presence.
- There's also a trailer to go along with this poster, but it sort of seemed superfluous after this image summed it all up so well.
- Adding to a cast that already has Alec Baldwin, Jesse Eisenberg, and Penelope Cruz, Woody Allen's next, Rome-based film will reportedly also include Ellen Page. Considering Eisenberg will clearly play young, hyperneurotic Woody, and Baldwin will likely embody the latter half of Woody's insatiable hunger for May-December lust, Page is probably... Ladywoody?
- Michael Mann has his eye on directing Gold, a film described as "a contemporary Treasure of the Sierra Madre-type treasure hunt about prospectors and speculators involved in the chase for gold." Sounds like a Will Ferrell vehicle to me. And to Ol' Gus Chiggins.
Rock of Ages, the Tony Awards-nominated Broadway musical known for combining live theater with frat boy karaoke--and, locally, for having this really, really obnoxious guy in the commercials (above)--is getting the ol' movie treatment. Variety reports Adam Shankman (Hairspray) will direct, working from a script from Ages creator Chris D’Arienzo.
With fellow musical adaptation Mamma Mia! having raked in over $609 million worldwide, New Line Cinema expects similarly impressive numbers for this film--assuming that, between now and the release, no one realizes you can listen to the same songs, sung by the actual artists and without all the annoying story elements, by turning on a radio.
Okay, so mainly this is all just an excuse to repost this totally sweet picture of Tom Cruise and Col. Klink, but still. The first stills from Valkyrie have hit the web. You can tell Tom Cruise has really mastered the nazi art of leaning back on your heels and looking constipated.
In case you haven’t been reading (don’t act like you’ve got better things to do), Valkyrie is a song Wagner wrote about gay unicorns or some shit, and Valkyrie is the story of the German general who tried to assassinate Hitler, and marks the first re-teaming of director Bryan Singer and writer Chris McQuarrie since The Usual Suspects.
I’m not the biggest Cruise fan, but I’d sit through a two-hour Singer/McQuarrie movie about my own bowel movements. Then again, I’d probably sit through an Adam Shankman movie about my own bowel movements. What can I say, I’m fascinated by my own stool. Sue me.
