Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter will probably not be a very good movie. It is, however, a very 3D movie, and the makers of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter want you to know that with this latest, CGI-bloodiest trailer, which features many gratuitous shots of whips, axes, guns, and hands flying at the screen in thrilling(?) three-dimensions (if you were to be wearing special glasses).
If Osombie seemed slightly too lowbrow for your taste, but you still want to be there when the historical-fiction genre collapses in on itself, give this trailer for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter a go. In the Tim Burton-produced, Timur Bekmambetov-directed film, Benjamin Walker stars as the 16th President, who now has an axe, and uses that axe to fell both tree and vampire with a single crushing, slow-motion blow. And that's about it:
While Lincoln is the Abraham Lincoln film stealing most of the spotlight thanks to the involvement of Steven Spielberg and lack of a fictionalized vampire-killin' storyline, the one that will next arrive in theaters is Timur Bekmambetov's Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. We've seen a couple photos from that production already, but the latest issue of weekly entertainment periodical Entertainment Weekly has the first really clear look at star Benjamin Walker in costume as the Great Emancipator, which you can now see above thanks to UHM (via). Lincolny? Sure. So Lincolny that he'd still look like a fiver in dad jeans while eating a little sausage? I'm sorry, but only Daniel Day-Lewis will ever be that Lincolny.
- When viewed in person, this new Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter poster switches between the image of the 16th President in the Oval Office and a crazy, drunk man alone in the woods and dressed like Lincoln for reasons he can't clearly recall.
- Brian de Palma's remake of Crime d'Amour--which the director claims will "combine eroticism, suspense, mystery and murder into one spell-binding cinematic experience"--will reportedly re-team Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows co-stars Noomi Rapace and Rachel McAdams in the roles of a vengeful executive and her protégé. Considering these facts, you can pretty much count on some lesbian kissing happening. Try to play it cool.
- Though the modern-day American Psycho remake definitely sounds like a terrible idea, the book's author, Bret Easton Ellis, claims otherwise, recently tweeting, "Haters beware: I just had a long discussion with Noble Jones, the writer/director of the 'new' American Psycho movie. His take is genuine..." Yeah, genuinely STUPID! Oooooooh. Anyway, I guess it's fine. (via!)
Production design on Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: It's more than just adding some American flags to the leftover Van Helsing sets, apparently! With this film competing on the same stage as a href="http://www.iwatchstuff.com/2011/05/lincoln-gets-more-people-to-pretend-bein.php">Spielberg-directed Lincoln biopic, director Timur Bekmambetov is determined to make this film so, so REAL (except for all the vampire shit), everyone. Says The New York Times:
Going a considerable step beyond the Grahame-Smith novel, it embeds Lincoln, played by Benjamin Walker, within a meticulously researched, surprisingly authentic, three-dimensional past -- but with vampires."We are very committed," said Timur Bekmambetov, the movie's director.
The film's production designer, François Audouy, has an unexpected approach to the historical aspects. He uses both computer effects and actual locations to blend the real and the artificial in ways that could only be imagined when Woody Allen posed with Calvin Coolidge and Herbert Hoover in "Zelig" and Forrest Gump received a Medal of Honor from Lyndon B. Johnson. In the production office here in Louisiana recently, where the film will be shooting into next month, Mr. Audouy's associates were sorting through a stack of seemingly authentic Civil War maps, just a tiny sampling of the myriad props that are turning "Vampire Hunter" into a true period epic.
"Seemingly authentic Civil War maps" are in this? Sounds like substitute history teachers have a new way to lazily teach that chapter, then. Goodbye, Glory!
(via!)
- This short explains how Todd Barry's deli manager from The Wrestler was originally the focus of Black Swan. It does not explain why Darren Aronofsky is always wearing a scarf. Hickeys?
- Firefly's Alan Tudyk has been cast as Stephen A. Douglas in Timur Bekmambetov's Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, meaning there's probably already an online petition for Nathan Fillion to replace Benjamin Walker as Lincoln.
- Matthew Fox has signed on to play a villainous assassin in Rob Cohen's Morgan Freeman-less Alex Cross reboot, while Ed Burns will play Cross's partner. And playing Alex Cross: still Madea.
- Shia LaBeouf will star in Mandalay Pictures' adaptation of Joe Hill's Horns, playing 26-year-old that wakes up to find horns growing from his head, and who then learns of a connection between the horns and his girlfriend's unsolved murder. Real shame Jim Breuer has aged out of the part.
- Universal's CGI adaptation of Dr. Seuss's The Lorax has fully fleshed out its voice cast, with their press release explaining:
Danny DeVito will lend his vocal talents to the iconic title character of the Lorax, while Ed Helms will voice the enigmatic Once-ler. Also bringing their talents to the film are global superstars Zac Efron as Ted, the idealistic young boy who searches for the Lorax, and Taylor Swift as Audrey, the girl of Ted's dreams. Rob Riggle will play financial king O'Hare, and beloved actress Betty White has signed on to portray Ted's wise Grammy Norma.
What I like about the diversity of this cast is that I could tell you exactly who would be what race and class in a D&D party.
- IWS friend and Simpsons devotee Kyle McCoy has constructed a huge, 10' by 4' replica of Springfield made entirely of those little melty beads you iron together. Sadly, he isn't revealing the fully-assembled finished product until April 2, so we'll have to keep using the old coasters until then.
- Ewan McGregor is in talks to play "leader of the king's elite guard" in Bryan Singer's forever-talked-about fairy tale adaptation, Jack the Giant Killer. Meanwhile, Power Rangers RPG actress Adelaide Kane is in contention to play the princess, which just goes to show not all post-Power Ranger careers need end with punching a guy's teeth out of his head.
- Jimmi Simpson will continue his streak of being that guy you see all the time--like on The Late Show as Lyle the Intern--but don't really know, nabbing the role of the President's "right hand man" in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
- Community and The Soup's consummate wise-ass Joel McHale is in talks to follow up roles in Spy Kids, The Big Year, and What's Your Number? with a part as a sleazy boss in Seth McFarlane's feature-length excuse to voice a live-action living teddy bear, Ted. Ah, Joel, I can still remember when you were selling me Spicy Tendercrisp chicken sandwiches.
- Never mind whoever I said would play Mary Todd in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Turns out it's going to be Mary Elizabeth Winstead.
- Adrianna Palicki is playing Wonder Woman in NBC's television show about Wonder Woman. It sounds just awful.
- Here's a hip hop remix of the Pee Wee's Playhouse end theme, just waiting for you to rap in a Pee Wee impression over. (Thanks, Todd.)
- Halle Berry is reclaiming the role she formerly abandoned in New Year's Eve, and now Carla Gugino is in it, too. Let's never talk about anyone being in this ever again.
- The Farrelly Brothers want Cher to play a nun in their Three Stooges movie. Sure.
- Richard Kelly's next will be a more straightforward than usual thriller about "a mentally unstable Iraq war veteran, who forges a strange friendship with his boss, a wealthy and politically ambitious owner of a supermarket chain." A&P meets PTSD! But you'll still like Donnie Darko more.
- That Shane Black-directing-Iron Man 3 thing is for reals.
- The eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckleburg are blue and gigantic and pixelated. There's a Great Gatsby 8-bit game now, so beat that, Baz Luhrmann. (Thanks, MF.)
- The last remaining hold-out in the voice cast, Gerard Butler has agreed to talk into a microphone for DreamWorks' How To Train Your Dragon sequel. This is just like how he held out before reluctantly giving his heart to Katherine Heigl and Jennifer Aniston in those movies.
- Unknown actress Robin McLeavy has been cast as Mary Todd in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Latino Review broke the news, adding, "McLeavy is way prettier than her real life counterpart," so forget about Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter's historical accuracy.
- DreamWorks is planning to adapt Berkeley Breathed's Flawed Dogs into an animated feature about an exiled dachshund fighting to reclaim his spot in a family after being usurped by a jealous show dog. Good luck with this animated talking dog gamble.
- And here's the first trailer for Paul Johansson's adaptation of Atlas Shrugged. Prepare to shrug.
Seems Joaquin Phoenix is done enough with being fake crazy to start acting again, and what better way to jump back into the fray than with a movie that incorporates horror icons for novelty effect? According to Deadline, the actor/pseudo-rapper is in talks to join Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, the upcoming Timur Bekmambetov-directed adaptation of Seth Grahame-Smith's novel about Lincoln killing vampires, which will likely star Benjamin Walker as the 16th President. Phoenix would play fictional Lincoln's fictional mentor, Henry, described as, "a mythic, ageless figure who turns Lincoln into an axe-throwing expert slayer of vampires." So if you were wondering where that whole I'm Still Here documentary thing put the actor's career, the answer is apparently about the same spot Donald Sutherland's career was at when he decided to be in 1992's Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Yet another Lincoln film has overlooked Liam Neeson.
Benjamin Walker, the actor known mostly for Broadway's Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson and for nearly being a blue fur-covered X-Man, has signed to star in the title role of Timur Bekmambetov's adaptation of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. The source material is exactly what it sounds like--as in, not Lincoln vanquishing the metaphorical vampirism of slave traders living off the "blood" of their cargo; just actual fucking vampires--and, unsurprisingly, comes from Seth Grahame-Smith, writer of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and a guy who seemingly thinks it's hilarious to add vogue monsters to anything and everything. Kafka's Werewolf Metamorphosis is pretty much gonna write itself, huh, Seth?
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I Watch Stuff is a movie and video blog dedicated to bringing you the best and worst that Hollywood and the Internet have to offer and then, more often than not, making fun of it because it sucks.
