"Look, kid: big-time acting isn't about 'feelings' or 'emotions', it's about funny costumes and talking loud. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a shave."
Not content to rest on his laurels (what the hell is a laurel, anyway? Is it like a butt cheek? How come you never hear anyone say, 'Hey, check out the laurels on that broad,' or, 'Golly, I'd sure like to get all up in them laurels,'?) after directing Norbit and producing Wild Hogs, Brian Robbins has signed on to direct Jailhouse Rock, a true story based on "a musician-turned-detention officer at Arizona's Tent City who decides to hold an American Idol-type singing contest at the jail. Called Inmate Idle Singing Con-Test, the event became so popular that Alice Cooper himself showed up to judge the finals."
It's a Disney flick, so expect less forced dry anal and more Cuba Gooding (who's as charming as forced dry anal, coincidentally). But perhaps I should go easier on the B-man. He recently shot back at his critics:
He cannot -- for the life of him -- understand how a film like Norbit could score so well with audiences, yet be universally panned by critics. He says, "How do you figure that? Is the audience that stupid? Is America's taste that bad? I don't think so."
To answer his rhetorical question, yes, the audience is that stupid, and yes, America's taste is that bad. Has he never been to the YouTube comments section? As my friend Bret says, "It's like the internet is passing the microphone around at a global retard convention. 'And you, sir. Yes, the gentleman in the back without pants or a chin. Could you elucidate your feelings about a dozen topics you don't know shit about? And please, use as little punctuation as possible. Thank you.'"
Well, folks, in honor of hilarious fish-out-of-water comedy day, I bring you the trailer for Who's Your Caddy. It's the story of a typical African-American man who rankles the country club establishment simply by doing things that all black people do, like putting big shiny rims on stuff and shooting rap videos. This may put Big Boi in Oscar contention - if they gave an Oscar for keepin' it real!
But "Who's Your Caddy?", really? I would've gone with "Caddyblack", or "Blackyshack". I haven't read any early reviews, but last month, after an early showing was cancelled due to "technical difficulties" writer/director Don Michael Paul said, "Our movie is playing very, very well. But I'm a perfectionist, so I would prefer that it's done before it's shown to a festival audience."
Well, sir, judging by the trailer, you have indeed created true perfection.
You just know that somewhere, a bar on the Jersey shore is missing a janitor and a best customer.
Last week, The Singing Bee, an NBC game show hosted by Joe Fat One, formerly of NSync, drew 13 million viewers.
According to long-suffering NBC, The Singing Bee was the highest-rated summer-series debut among young adults, aged 18-49, since the late Meet My Folks made a good first impression back in July 2002.
That's right, a show I hadn't even heard of until today was the most popular of its kind in FIVE YEARS. Oh, and it's another show about amateur singers.
I don't get it, are there parts of America that don't have karaoke bars? Because I'll you what, if I'm going to listen to the IHOP hostess sing "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" I better be sitting in front of a Scotch the size of a punchbowl. Better yet, I'd like to star in my own reality show, called "Punch Bowl".
"Painfully obvious mundane observation, honey." "Yes, dear, quip stolen from Mary Tyler Moore that was snappy 30 years ago." [canned laughter]
Next week is an important time in my life. Besides my little sister's operation - don't ask, the little bitch hogs all the attention as it is - TBS will be premiering The Bill Engvall Show. That's right, the network that brought you America's Funniest Home Videos* reruns and edited movies with ridiculously dubbed profanities like "Yippie kai-yay, Mr. Falcon!" is now giving one of those lame-brained, milquetoast rednecks his own show.
This following their premiere of Tyler Perry's House of Payne, they might as well add NASCAR and rename it the Shit Vince Doesn't Get channel (SVDG). But it makes sense that they'd want to balance out a show that no white people watch with one no black people watch. It's nice to thumb my nose at things and still be able to feel colorblind.
Dear God, don't turn the camera sideways! ARRGGGGHHHH!
The brains behind Daddy Day Care apparently were so pleased with themselves that they decided to make a sequel, and the trailer's now online.
Oh boy. What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said about the holocaust? Hey, remember when Cuba Gooding Jr. won an oscar? Since then he's been in Snow Dogs, Pearl Harbor, Boat Trip, and Norbit, among other things. I could wipe my ass with my resume after a big glass of Metamucil and it'd still have fewer turds on it than his (but probably more porn).
For the love of God, man, get a new agent. Burn the old one for fuel. It can't be fun making movies for the family-too-dumb-to-notice-something-sucks crowd.
The trio had differing reactions to the kilo of cocaine on the table
License to Wed is currently tracking at 8% on Rotten Tomatoes, putting it well on its way to finding a spot on their 100 Worst list. Spawning a million "Divorce", "Annulment", and "Say I Don't" headlines, here are some other words of praise it received:
"Comedies don't get much lamer than License to Wed," -Hollywood Reporter
"Not only is License to Wed Creepy, it's not remotely funny." -Cincinnati Enquirer
"Williams has become a comedic glass ceiling, a black hole of laughs that guarantees every scene he's in will make nails on a chalkboard sound appealing." -Metromix.com
"There's bad, there's awful and there's horrible, and then somewhere beyond that, in its own Kingdom of Lousy -- where all the milk curdles and the jokes aren't funny -- is "License to Wed," the latest ghastly exercise starring Robin Williams." - San Francisco Chronicle
Why are bad reviews so much more fun to read than good ones? Oh that's right, because I'm a bastard. (sigh)
Well, the Rush Hour 3 poster is out, and it's about as underwhelming as I imagine the movie to be. "This summer, they're kicking it in Paris." Yeah, that about sums it up. Same ingredients, same mediocre movie, except this time Brett Ratner gets to waddle his pudgy ass around gay Parie. It's where he belongs, he loves cheese.
Uwe Boll, one German who's not nearly as cute as Knüt the Polar Bear (who's probably a better director too), has picked up an American distributor for his next three flicks, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Postal, and Seed .
The coolest thing about Uwe Boll, of course, is that he challenged some of his "harshest critics" to a boxing match last year and beat all five of them. I'm pretty süre I could take him, so even though I haven't seen any of his movies, I'm pretty süre they sück and that he's a big stinky büttlicker who can't read good. You hear that, Boll? You're mine, bitch.
The coolest thing about Knüt the Polar Bear, of course, is that if cüteness were in the olympics, Knüt would win the gold medal, and the entire world would stop what they were doing to go "Awww." And those Südanese f***ers would take a ten minute break from raping each other.
"Okay, Pete, we're gonna need you to look stupider than usual for this one. Good. *click*"
Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz claims to be writing a script.
We are writing a story that we kind of want to end up animated. Not too sure on whether it will ever go or how much of a ‘Hollywood’ project it would be. But it is kind of a narrative that seems to be non-existent in recent animated stories.”
I'll be honest, I look at Pete Wentz and I get the strong urge to punch someone in the face; namely, Pete Wentz. But hey, the teenage girls I keep locked in my basement love him, so who am I to judge?
Someday, God willing, I will have the world's strongest kegel muscles.
I put up a picture of supermodel Molly Sims, rather than a picture of that stupid video game some genius is making a movie out of because, let's face it, what would you rather look at?
But as I was saying, someone thought it'd be a great idea to bring SIMS to the bigscreen. It's yet another case of art imitating art imitating life. I wonder if this means we'll finally see the Civilization movie we've all been clamoring for. So how exactly do you make a movie out of a video game where you basically control groups of virtual people who go to work, take baths, put on ties, and poop?
The SIMS has done an interactive version of an old story, which is what it's like to have infinite power and how do you deal with it," said [SIMS Studio head Rod] Humble. "Given that that's an old story, you can imagine how easily that would translate to traditional story telling."
Of course we can imagine, Rod, what are we, idiots?
The project will be overseen by the guy who brought us Norbit, When a Stranger Calls, and Eragon, and written by Brian Lynch, whose projects include Big Helium Dog and Scary Movie 3.
Rod Humble. There's a porn joke in that somewhere.
"I wake up every day, and it's the same stupid remake pitch ideas!"
Variety is reporting that Disney has acquired the pitch, that's right, I said 'pitch', not 'script', for Monday Monday, which it describes as follows:
[The] "Groundhog Day"-like script by first-time feature writer Flint Wainess will follow a neurotic teen who has to relive his disastrous first day at a new high school until he gets it right.
Groundhog Day, IN HIGH SCHOOL. It's such a brilliant, out-there idea. I can see why the mere premise alone would be enough to spark a bidding frenzy. It's not every day a supernova of creativity like this rockets out your cornhole.
The project will be produced by Jennifer Gibgot and Adam Shankman, whose directing resume includes, but is not limited to: Hairspray (the upcoming remake), Cheaper by the Dozen 2, The Pacifier, Bringing Down the House, A Walk to Remember, and The Wedding Planner.
I'm tempted to say something snotty, but judging by his last name, his ancestors stabbed people in prison. Which is not to say I'm scared, it's just that we may be related.
Two of SNL's most useless cast members, Will Forte and Kristen Wiig (She's this generation's Melanie Hussel!), had a three-way with Will Arnett and are giving birth to a turd baby called The Brothers Solomon. As if that weren't enough, it's also a Screen Gems production.
Any of the three are pretty much the kiss of death. Together, they're like the gangbang of death. Or the Voltron of shitty movies. Whatever, you pick the metaphor, I'll be drinking.
Want to make this movie better? Keep the title, cut someone in half.
The poster for The Rock's new movie, Daddy Day CareAre We There Yet The GamePlan is out. From what I can gather from the poster, Rock's character makes love to a striking bulldog who then gives birth to a briefcase-toting ballerina, and a black guy on his team is totally not sold on the idea. Also, his team plays on a white carpet covered in dirt clods.
Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? Smells like hilarity, stewed to perfection!
UPDATE: See the trailer here. Durp! Tough guys are powerless when it comes to girl stuff! Durp Durp Durp!
"I've got to make love to the iwatchstuff.com guy soon or my vagina will explode!"
The new Wedding Daze trailer's got Jason Biggs in underwear, toilet clogging jokes, and a title that wouldn't even be fresh in 1937, but Sasha Baron Cohen fiancee Isla Fisher* is still freakin' adorable.
Brett Ratner now the most important part of any film.
Just when you thought slitting those wrists was a good idea, the Rush Hour 3 trailer comes along to brighten your day! They're in France this time! You just know there's going to be singing in cars and racial stereotyping!
And in case the "3" next to the title doesn't tell you it's gonna be really, really good, they've also got BRETT RATNER'S NAME BEFORE THE TITLE. That's right, folks, he has arrived. He might as well just change his name to Brett Radner.
You know, a guy makes one or two shitty movies and you think, oh well, you'll get 'em next time, tiger, and you give the guy a hetero ass pat. At this point though, I think Brett Ratner's actively trying to ruin my day; actively plotting against me. You know, like the Jews.
According to Variety, Steven Spielberg and Mark Burnett have a new reality show coming out where they search for the next filmmaking talent. One of the judges of the first round will be Brett Ratner, whose resume includes the classics Money Talks, X-Men 3 and all the Rush Hour movies, among other things. Congratulations, you are now the Paula Abdul of cinema.
Okay, so maybe his movies aren't the worst ones out there (though a case could be made for Money Talks), but why do we have to know his name? There is no reason I should have to know what Brett Ratner, Michael Bay, or (shudder) McG looks like.
Even up here in my ivory tower I can recognize that some movies suck just enough to be kickass. Judging by this latest clip, I think The Condemned might just be one of those movies. It stars Stone Cold Steve Austin and Vinnie Jones, natch.
I think the choreography to that scene went a little something like this:
"Uh, these dudes are both really big and have facial hair, but neither of them know martial arts."
"That's okay, just move the camera around a lot and then blow something up."
By the way, that big guy is Nathan Jones, he's the bad guy from The Protector, another delightfully fartdiculous action movie. Enjoy the flying elephant scene after the jump. You will not be disappointed.