April 24, 2006
The Omen Domestic Trailer
For those of you filled with too much patriotism to download the international trailer for The Omen, the domestic trailer is now available. It's chock full of new footage, including the above shot, which shows that if you give birth to the Devil, you're less phased by other supernatural occurrences, such as Sarah Jessica Parker sneaking up behind you in the bathroom.
Previous Entries
The Lake House Trailer
In what can only be described as a major coup for providers of low quality embedded media, AOL and Moviefone have scored the exclusive trailer for Warner's new romantic thing, The Lake House. If you thought the cast of Speed writing letters to each other would make great cinema, you're in luck. In this remake of a Korean film from 2000, Sandra Bullock lives in a lakefront shanty and gets letters from Keanu Reeves. They fall in love during the ensuing correspondence, only to discover that he's writing to her from the same ramshackle house two years in the past. Recommended viewing if you thought Frequency would have been better if Dennis Quaid and Jim Caviezel wanted to fuck.
Bandidas Trailer
If you like it when bandits is written in the Spanish feminine form, you need to see the trailer for Bandidas. The film, starring Selma Hayek and Penelope Cruz, tells the story of a pair of women who become bank robbers to combat a tyrannical local enforcer, proving that despite the antiquated reputation women have of being the weaker sex, they're capable of anything a man is and more. Cleverly, the filmmakers show this through comic ineptitude and cheesecake action. It essentially looks as if the movie is an hour-and-a-half of saying that women like fashion and whining too much to be competent at anything, which is kind of sad, since my Grandpa can do the same thing over a Thanksgiving dinner.
Dead or Alive Movie Trailer
Fans of the video game or the female form will want to check out the trailer for Dead or Alive. Finally, someone is doing a video game movie right. It looks like the filmmakers have chosen to take the fighting, volleyball, and the beautiful, nearly-naked women that made the video game series so popular, then not add anything else, like a plot, or real dialogue, or anything else that would detract from the boobs. If you're desperate enough to see this in a theatre and endure an hour-and-a-half of drivel just to see a few pretty girls swing swords and play volleyball in bikinis, we should make a club or something, because there must be more of us, and we should "hang."
Angelina Jolie Prepares For Tomb Raider 3
Tomb sanctity is in jeopardy, again! In between making preparations for the birth of the most sexually appealing infant in the world and adopting things, Angelina Jolie has agreed to star in the third installment of the monumentally frivolous Tomb Raider film franchise. Disingenuously bisexual women everywhere will tout the Oscar-winning actress as their sole lesbian desire more than ever, according to a source:
Angelina is already in training to make sure she gets rid of her post-pregnancy bulge. She wants to be in tip-top shape and look better in Lara's outfit than ever.
Fans of synergy should note note that the latest Tomb Raider game is currently enjoying surprising success, and my Pregnancy Fetishists Anonymous sponsor, Cory, should note that I've fallen off the wagon again. One day at a time, man. One day at a time.
Marie-Antoinette French Posters
With Sofia Coppola's Marie-Antoinette set to debut at Cannes, the official French posters have been released. Kirsten Dunst stars in the film, but with her face cleverly concealed here, I'm forced to question if this really is the actress on the poster. Only one woman I know wears a hat so carefully positioned over one eye...Carmen Sandiego! I knew you were in France, you bitch.
See the second poster, and learn how "brain dead" is the new "looking at all attractive," after the cut.
