March 20, 2006
Snakes on a Plane Footage is Amazing
Look at this footage for Snakes on a Plane and try not to agree that you've "had it with these snakes." You think they're just on the ground, in holes, in some high weeds, things like that, right? Not in this case. This is going to sound absolutely crazy, you might not believe it at first, but these particular snakes are actually on a plane. It's a tough issue to deal with; it's close-quarters up there, and snakes aren't traditionally found on planes. No one knows how to deal with them... except one badass fucker named Sam Jackson (this may or may not be his name in the movie).
This biggest mistake I see in this movie isn't the ridiculous plot, or even that the effects look like they're painted by Bob Ross, but that the stewardess is fighting the snakes by cutting them apart. Doesn't she know that cutting a snake in half just makes two snakes, each as deadly as the first? You need to make sure you kill them or they'll use math against you, specifically multiplication. The one exception is constrictors, which, even if they continue to multiply as you cut them apart, will eventually become small enough that they can't constrict you. Still, why leave anything to chance? Treat them like a parking lot rapist and use a Taser, like Samuel L. Jackson does.
NOTE: The website will ask you to "Sign Up Now & Add Snakes on a Plane as a Friend." Snakes on planes should not be considered friends, under any circumstances.
Previous Entries
High Score Trailer
The official site for the documentary High Score has posted its trailer online. The film follows Bill Carlton in his attempt to beat the twenty-year-old record for the Atari video game Missile Command, a task he estimates will take around 55 hours. From the looks of the trailer, it sounds like it will be an arduous task, but Bill seems up to the task, noting that, "Nobody ever made history by being a big puss." Though, sadly, I'm not sure how many people have made history by playing Missile Command non-stop either. Unless he means a history of obesity, scarring acne, public ridicule, and adult virginity. Then he's spot on.
The Office Going Online for Summer
Fans of NBC's The Office will be treated to some new episodes even when the show breaks for the summer. The network announced that it will release 10 web-only episodes on NBC.com during the summer, involving a plot that will reveal a mystery surrounding some of the secondary characters:
In a news release, the network said the "webisodes" will focus on a mystery facing the accounting staff of the Dunder-Mifflin paper company. The three characters -- Angela, Kevin and Oscar -- are secondary parts of the regular ensemble cast.
I'm not the biggest fan of the American The Office, but it's still better than most sitcoms on the air right now, so I'll take it. My worry is that their being online-only probably means shorter and lower quality. However, maybe that's unfounded, since that hasn't yet been the case for online-only porngraphy. I mean, have you seen this Wifey lady's videos? If it weren't for her being somewhat homely and shooting the videos in a trashy living room with a ten-year-old camcorder, you'd never know she was an "amateur." If that's the quality being web-only creates, then maybe more of television should be web-only. At least in terms of raw numbers of handjobs.
Mission: Impossible III Trailer Online
The Mission: Impossible III trailer hit the Internet today, and boy is it a disappointment. The footage looked to be mostly shots already seen in the teaser and the Japanese trailer. But there's one thing that definitively sets this trailer apart from the Japanese one: this one's American. Watching this trailer is the new yellow ribbon magnet on the back of your mini-van; if you don't watch it, you're promoting terrorism. Trust me, Osama bin Laden does not want you seeing how awesome it is when an explosion slams super-agent Ethan Hunt into a parked car, shattering the windows. It's practically another downed building for every person that doesn't see how sweet it is when Philip Seymour Hoffman threatens to hurt Tom Cruise's wife/girlfriend. A U.S. troop is shot for every person that doesn't think it's cool when Cruise commands that some sports car is blown up at the push of a button. So, please, view this trailer. America is depending on it.
Or see Big Momma's House 2. She's twice the size, meaning twice the laughs!
Poseidon Trailer Released
The folks at ComingSoon.net have done the courtesy of posting the trailer for Wolfgang Petersen's disaster-adventure Poseideon, in which the trapped passengers of ship try desperately to escape the sinking vessel. I don't want to give away too much of the plot, but I think I just gave away the entire plot. Except it's also got Richard Dreyfuss!
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift Trailer
For all those interested in either the fast or the furious, the trailer for The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift is now online. The film tells the story of a hot-headed American street racer forced to move to Tokyo with his father to avoid jail time. There, the racing underground is dominating by "drifting," in which the cars are light and the tires are slick, allowing the cars to slide around the streets making amazing turns. "Actor" Lil' Bowwow describes it this way: "If you ain't outta control, you ain't in control," which is much catchier than what I said, and the reason I consider him our generation's Confucius. In the end, it appears that, of course, the brash American wins both the race and the girl, stealing her from the previous "Drift King," and proving that the U.S. still thinks it can beat Japan at anything. Except math. They're still getting us there. And probably tentacle sex enthusiasm. But goddammit if I'm not trying for that one.
