February 23, 2006
Friday the 13th has Director
The upcoming prequel to Friday the 13th, focusing on the origins of Jason Voorhees, is now attached to horror director Jonathan Liebesman:
Liebesman, who's in final negotiations, has already worked with the studio and Platinum Dunes on "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning," due out in October. His debut feature was 2003's "Darkness Falls" for Revolution.
I can't even describe how low my hopes for this project are. After the Friday the 13th prequel, I hope Liebesman works on inventing invisible poop, because then he'll officially be an expert at creating unnecessary crap I won't see.
Previous Entries
Sam Jackson Makes Casting Call
Samuel L. Jackson has announced his grand idea for a new film. He doesn't have a plot or anything, but he has figured out the cast: every A-list black male he can think of.
I think it would be something that people would want to go out and see - if it were me, Denzel [Washington], Eddie [Murphy], Morgan [Freeman], Will [Smith], Don Cheadle, all of us in the same place at the same time.
I'm glad someone finally has the bravery to segregate black actors. Next, he should work on an all-black-actor drinking fountain, or section of a bus. Really, though, I guess this idea isn't any more ridiculous than Ocean's Eleven is for white A-listers, though it's strange that Don Cheadle is somehow in both crowds.
Incidentally, upon hearing Jackson's dream cast, Laurence Fishburne couldn't stop crying.
Those Crazy Chinese
In a recent demand by China's State Administration of Radio, Film and Television, content depicting human actors with animated characters is no longer allowed in the country. Those pieces that have already been approved, luckily, will continue to be aired, allowing another generation of Chinese boys to secretly masturbate to Jessica Rabbit and Cool World.
"These human live-action, so-called animation pieces will not receive distribution or distribution licenses," read the order, issued Feb. 15. However, films and shows that have already received permits will continue to air. CGI and 2-D characters alongside human actors jeopardize "the broadcast order of homemade animation and mislead their development," according to a report from the state-run Xinhua News Agency.
Well, goddammit. How are we going to disseminate our capitalist agenda without sending another Space Jam to China? You've won again, Commies.
New Aquaman
Last month, it was announced that Will Toale, chiefly a briefs model, would be playing Aquaman on the upcoming television series. Strike that! Now it's going to be Justin Hartley, a soap opera actor from Passions. Luckily, no one knows who either actor is, so the news isn't too upsetting. It's like secretly replacing your Wal-Mart coffee with K-Mart blend. Even if you somehow notice, does it really matter?
Kate Moss Playing Lesbian
Model Kate Moss is set to make her acting debut in a new film directed by Ang Lee, a picture based on the life of British soul singer Dusty Springfield. While Charlize Theron is rumored for the lead, Moss hopes to play the role of the singer's first lover. I worry there are some people still thick-headed enough to think that because she's playing a lesbian, Kate Moss must be a lesbian too, so let me clear this up right now: Kate Moss will do absolutely anything for cocaine, lesbian or not.
Terrence Howard is Rick James, Thurgood Marshall
In a follow-up to yesterday's story that Terrence Howard may be playing Joe Louis for Spike Lee, another article reveals even more for the future of the actor, including more biopics:
He'll play a police officer helping (and loving) a grieving, revengeful Jodie Foster in "The Brave One." He'll portray an inspirational coach in the true-life "PDR" and a social worker in the ensemble drama "August Rush." He has also been talking to the makers of three different biopics - on boxer Joe Louis, singer Rick James and Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall.
Howard notes that the role he's most interested in playing is Thurgood Marshall, which makes no sense. When you're given the choice between a crazy, cocaine addicted, cornrow wearing, "King of Funk," and a Supreme Court Justice, there's no choice at all. Regardless, it would seem an Oscar nomination has earned Terrence Howard what Hollywood normally requires hundreds of sexual favors for: success!
