January 24, 2006
A Taxonomy of Barnacles Optioned
The novel "A Taxonomy of Barnacles" has been optioned by Revolution Studios. While no director or cast is yet attached, the premise sounds pretty interesting:
The book, by Galt Niederhoffer, tells the story of six sisters who have been raised by their eccentric father, Barry Barnacle in an amazing New York loft filled with scientific curiosities. When most of his daughters reach adulthood, Barnacle starts a competition: whichever of the girls can carry his name in the most spectacular way will get to inherit his fortune.
My dad had a competition like this, but instead of carrying his name in a spectacular way, we just had to carry him home, however we could. Sometimes it was announced, like, "Alright kids, I'm too drunk to walk home, how are you going to get me back?" Other times, it was more spontaneous, like he'd just pass out somewhere, and the people there would tell us we had to get our dad out of there. We eventually realized our dad had a problem and got him some help. We began paying some other guy to carry him home.
Previous Entries
Lou Reed Hates Factory Girl, Looks Simian
The Velvet Underground's Lou Reed hates the new film Factory Girl, in which Sienna Miller plays Andy Warhol's muse Edie Sedgwick. Reed, a friend of Sedgwick, told the New York Daily News,
I read that script. It's one of the most disgusting, foul things I've seen - by any illiterate retard - in a long time. There's no limit to how low some people will go to write something to make money.
The comment upset much of Hollywood, which is composed nearly entirely of illiterate retards. However, to put things in perspective, it's probably impossible to please Lou Reed after the amount of heroine he's done at this point. Nothing can compare to that.
X-Men 3 Has More Pictures
New pictures from X-Men 3 have turned up online, featuring our first in-costume glimpses of Psylocke (right), a mutant with telepathic abilities and a "psychic knife," and Stacy X (left), a mutant with the hair of Big Boy.
Sometimes it feels like I've been stabbed by Psylocke's psychic knife, but it always turns out that the psychic pain is just an alcohol-induced depression, and the stabbing pain is just a knife I fell asleep on.
Friends To Return, White People Pleased
Friends will reportedly return to television in four one-hour episodes after five-million dollar deals were struck with the six stars. While the news reports that Jennifer Aniston was the last of the stars to agree, even more hesitant were Aniston's nipples. The two became moderate celebrities in the early seasons of the hit series, but felt underused in later seasons, when Aniston's rising star status demanded slightly thicker shirts.
Scriptwriters have already begun work on the double-episodes, though some have concerns if four hours will be long enough to stretch romantic tensions they've grown accustomed to prolonging for ten years.
Da Vinci Code To Premiere At Cannes
The 58th Festival de Cannes, beginning on May 17, will open with Ron Howard's The Da Vinci Code, starring Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou, two days before the worldwide release. Good news for those attending the festival, but inconsequential to the middle-aged woman behind me at the theatre during Da Vinci's trailer. Her loud whispering revealed that it looked like a 'renter' to her, to which her overweight friend replied, "Have you read that yet? I don't read, but I hear it's so good." The two would later agree that Cars looked cute.
Fox Is The New Penguin
Good news for people who like foxes and children:
The man behind last year's biggest Sundance success story, "March of the Penguins" director Luc Jacquet, said that his follow-up will be "The Fox & the Child," a project combining nature documentary footage and a fictionalized story. "Fox" centers on a young girl and her friendship with the eponymous animal. An adult female narrator will relate the tale as a memoir of her childhood.
Producers hope the public won't confuse The Fox & the Child with the similarly titled pornographic film, Foxy & the Child which focuses on the exploits of Foxy, a past-her-prime hooker, that befriends a junior high boy (played by 33-year-old newcomer Burt Hardlength) while on a trip to the World Intercourse Championships. Which film will rule the box office? Only time will tell.
