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Cinemark Theaters To Reward People for Not Being Complete Dicks with Their Phones

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Spandex-clad living shadows may work to quiet theatergoers in the UK, but here in the U-S-of-A, we do things OUR way. The way where we bribe people with sugary drinks and snack food.

In what they call "an alternative and creative solution" to the problem of assholes and their assholes phones ruining the theater experience, Cinemark is taking the "catch more flies with honey than just kicking them out because they can't even abide by simple rules or principles of human decency" approach and offering incentives for movie-goers to not use their phones during films.

The theater chain has reportedly launched a new app for iPhone and Android devices--sorry, Windows and non-smartphone users, you have no reason to not text through every movie--designed to keep the phone dimmed and urge the user "to turn the volume off so incoming calls only cause the phone to vibrate," so that at least a disruption will just be an incessant buzzing instead of an actual ringtone. Those able to restrain themselves from stopping the app, or going mad with desire to see what Shaq's been tweeting, will be treated with a digital coupon, easing the pain of lost communication with the promise of slightly discounted nachos.

Cinemark's plan is just one of many being offered up or considered by theaters struggling to deal with terrible people but also wanting to take their terrible money, because there are just so many of these terrible people. Some theater chains have reportedly even considered holding special text-all-you-want screenings to accomodate these terrible people, giving up and letting them bathe in the glow of victory and status updates. It is a dark future indeed. But not that dark, because of this lady with her Blackberry.

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