His work on Sahara establishing him as a filmmaker capable of shooting both action and tanned assholes with their shirt needlessly off, Breck Eisner has been hired to direct Hasbro and Relativity Media's movie about mushy, elasticated toy icon Stretch Armstrong. And he's going to make that movie "gritty."
In the official press release, Eisner--who most recently directed that remake of The Crazies--showed surprising optimism for someone tasked with understanding the motivations of a man-shaped rubber sheath, calling his hiring "a fantastic opportunity to create a world that is both fresh and exhilarating."Overjoyed to be the gunk-filled doll's director, Eisner continued, "What really excites me is the chance to build a hero from the ground up."
And indeed, it sounds like Eisner will be starting from scratch with the character, ignoring the sacrosanct '90s commercial canon (right) that clearly established Stretch as possessing boneless limbs since childhood. As the press release describes the April 11, 2014 release:
This original story will be a gritty actioner introducing the character of Lucas Armstrong and the life-or-death consequences he will face after undergoing a transformation granting him superhuman abilities.
Ah, just the kind of bleak, edgy tale children always imagined when trying their damnedest to yank the toy apart, creating the life-or-death consequences that now the dog is going to eat all the probably-toxic goo that was inside. And speaking of what will be inside Stretch's (Lucas's?) quickly-dirtied membrane, it won't be Taylor Lautner. Long attached to the role, he was dropped in January when the project changed studios, leaving Armstrong's flaccid form up for the taking, if anyone wants to pick it up off the carpet. Though, as anyone who's taken the one-note toy into the sandbox knows, once it's gritty, it's somehow even less appealing.