Geekologie I Watch Stuff The Superficial

Wachowskis' Next Involves Super-Evolved People Bred with Animals, Queen of the Universe


Outside of news that it would pair Channing Tatum with Mila Kunis not much has slipped out about the Wachowskis' upcoming Jupiter Ascending, thus keeping us from speculating on exactly how much we'll hate Jupiter Reloaded. But today, Vulture's sources have come forward with some plot details of the sci-fi film. Apparently it involves The Queen of the Universe, a genetically-ideal toilet cleaner, and Channing Tatum possibly being bred with an animal.

It seems that Jupiter Ascending will confirm what the neurotic have always dreaded: that someone is watching everything we do, and laughing at how stupid are. In this case, the watchers are a higher form of life--super-evolved beings from outer space--that look down upon man with the same sort of pity and disdain we'd give a caveman who wasn't as charming as Brendan Fraser.

In their routine watching of Earth, they discover a Ukrainian immigrant--played by Mila Kunis--cleaning toilets. While the puny brain of man would see such wasted exotic beauty and only bother elevating it to maybe a mediocre sitcom and a Justin Timberlake romantic-comedy, these higher beings recognize something more: THE PERFECT GENETIC MAKE-UP.

As it turns out, it's the same genetic make-up as The Queen of the Universe (in the evolved alien world, this is an official title, not just a sarcastic name bestowed upon entitled assholes). This makes The Queen of the Universe feel threatened, and then, as Vulture rightfully points out, things sort of become Snow White and the Huntsman: she sends out a bounty hunter (Tatum, because you can't have enough Tatum) to dispatch the young beauty; that guy ends up falling for the girl, and protects her from the Queen's armies. Also, those armies are composed of wolf-man hybrids, because these aliens are all human-like but bred with animals to get the best traits for their vocation, such that soldiers are given the fierceness and pack loyalty of wolves, workers are given the industriousness and Seinfeldian comic timing of bees, and so on.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is rumored to also be up for a role, and the film is reportedly being set up as a trilogy. So now you really can start to think how much you'll hate Jupiter Reloaded. Why will they have to add those stupid albino wolf-twins!?

  • March 27, 2012
    Sparing us a bleak future in which Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis would inevitably star together in a terminal illness-based romantic drama, the Wachowskis have chosen the two actors to instead star together in a top-secret science fiction film.... / Continue →
  • October 20, 2011
    With the Wachowskis' hard-R, gay Iraq romance film set in the future having an unexplainably hard time finding funding, and their Will Smith-starring "modern, urban take on the Robin Hood myth" still stuck in the mire of sounding like Hollywood satire, the siblings that first a... / Continue →
  • February 18, 2011
    Remember back when Leonardo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt were going to play the leads in an adaptation of the Akira manga/anime? Boy, that was sure dumb. They aren't teenagers at all! They were sure going to mess up that Japanese cartoon you like so much! Well, that was o... / Continue →
  • There are Comments