Nicolas Cage Heist Movie Probably Won't Involve Nicolas Cage

The real-life theft of Nicolas Cage's rare copy of Action Comics No. 1--the 1938 comic that introduced the world to Superman--made headlines in 2000, and now that the comic has been recovered and sold at auction to aid in Cage's debt recovery, that story will be turned into a movie. Showing rare restraint in that he is showing any standards whatsoever, Nicolas Cage is somehow not starring in this movie.

The script is called Action No. 1, and it appropriately comes from Robert Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon, two of Hollywood's few who are even more flagrant than Nic Cage about doing pretty much anything for money. The former members of The State wrote Herbie Fully Loaded, The Pacifier, and the Night at the Museum franchise, and then they wrote a book explicitly laying out how they sold-out to write broad, formulaic family films that have made them a ton of cash.

Lionsgate just picked up the film, which, by the Hollywood Reporter's description, sounds like Fanboys by way of Nicolas Cage, telling of a group of nerds who attempt to rob the National Treasure star of his precious Superman comic, leaving Cage only the adjacent sad, discomforting photo to celebrate his Superfandom. Nicolas Cage is going to freak the fuck out about that!

But as I said, we probably won't be seeing actual Nicolas Cage freak the fuck out in this film. Because of his exacting standards, it's reportedly unlikely that Cage will play himself. Jason Statham's name has also apparently been tossed around--it's unclear if he'd play a more willingly-balding Cage or the most unlikely nerd in history--but reps have thus far denied his involvement. Come on, Statham. This could be your way out of the rut of always playing Jason Statham-with-a-pistol and into the adjoining, far-murkier rut of playing Nicolas Cage in the single known modern film that Nicolas Cage refuses to be a part of.