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Your 69th Annual Golden Globes Winners

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Some of cinema and television's most influential producers and celebrated make-believists gathered at the Beverly Hilton Sunday night for the Golden Globes, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's gala event held annually as a means of unloading a bunch of cheap trophies never picked up by the 8th grade geography trivia team that ordered them some seventy years ago. The nominees for the night were announced a month ago to the day, and last night, in the brief interims between Sofía Vergara's insistent Diet Pepsi endorsements, the winners were announced, applauded for, and given a short chance to show off the redundant "thank you" skills instilled by their moms. And then George Clooney demonstrated how Michael Fassbender's penis was long enough that it could be used as a fleshy, hands-free golf club substitute, but since it was Clooney saying it, it still seemed sort of like a classy, charming way to talk about a guy's dick in relation to sporting goods.

Anyway, here's who won (as marked by boldness):

FILM!

BEST MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
The Descendants
The Help
Hugo
The Ides of March
Moneyball
War Horse

BEST MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
50/50
The Artist
Bridesmaids
My Week With Marilyn
Midnight in Paris

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk About Kevin

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
George Clooney, The Descendants
Leonardo DiCaprio, J. Edgar
Michael Fassbender, Shame
Ryan Gosling, The Ides of March
Brad Pitt, Moneyball

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Jodie Foster, Carnage
Charlize Theron, Young Adult
Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
Kate Winslet, Carnage

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Brendan Gleeson, The Guard
Ryan Gosling, Crazy Stupid Love
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 50/50
Owen Wilson, Midnight in Paris

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
The Adventures of Tintin
Arthur Christmas
Cars 2
Puss In Boots
Rango

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
A Separation (Iran)
The Flowers Of War (China)
The Kid With The Bike (Belgium)
In The Land Of Blood and Honey (USA)
The Skin I Live In (Spain)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Berenice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer, The Help
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Albert Brooks, Drive
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Viggo Mortensen, A Dangerous Method
Christopher Plummer, Beginners

BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
George Clooney, The Ides of March
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Martin Scorsese, Hugo

BEST SCREENPLAY - MOTION PICTURE
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon, The Ides of March
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash, The Descendants
Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin, Moneyball

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE - MOTION PICTURE
Ludovic Bource - The Artist
Abel Korzeniowski - W.E.
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross - The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Howard Shore - Hugo
John Williams - War Horse

BEST ORIGINAL SONG - MOTION PICTURE
Hello Hello, Music by Elton John, Lyrics by Bernie Taupin - Gnomeo & Juliet
The Keeper, Music & Lyrics by Chris Cornell - Machine Gun Preacher
Lay Your Head Down, Music by Brian Byrne, Lyrics by Glenn Close - Albert Nobbs
The Living Proof, Music by Mary J. Blige, Thomas Newman, Harvey Mason, Jr., Lyrics by Mary J. Blige, Harvey Mason, Jr., Damon Thomas - The Help
Masterpiece, Music & Lyrics by Madonna, Julie Frost, Jimmy Harry - W.E.

TELEVISION!

BEST TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA
American Horror Story (FX)
Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Boss (Starz)
Game of Thrones (HBO)
Homeland (Showtime)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA
Claire Danes - Homeland
Mireille Enos - The Killing
Julianna Margulies - The Good Wife
Madeleine Stowe - Revenge
Callie Thorne - Necessary Roughness

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA
Steve Buscemi - Boardwalk Empire
Bryan Cranston - Breaking Bad
Kelsey Grammer - Boss
Jeremy Irons - The Borgias
Damien Lewis - Homeland

BEST TELEVISION SERIES - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Enlightened (HBO)
Episodes (Showtime)
Glee (Fox)
Modern Family (ABC)
New Girl (Fox)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Laura Dern - Enlightened
Zooey Deschanel - New Girl
Tina Fey - 30 Rock
Laura Linney - The Big C
Amy Poehler - Parks and Recreation

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Alec Baldwin - 30 Rock
David Duchovny - Californication
Johnny Galecki - The Big Bang Theory
Thomas Jane - Hung
Matt LeBlanc - Episodes

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Cinema Verite (HBO)
Downton Abbey (Masterpiece) (PBS)
The Hour (BBC America)
Mildred Pierce (HBO)
Too Big to Fail (HBO)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Romola Garai - The Hour
Diane Lane - Cinema Verite
Elizabeth McGovern - Downton Abbey (Masterpiece)
Emily Watson - Appropriate Adult
Kate Winslet - Mildred Pierce

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Hugh Bonneville - Downton Abbey (Masterpiece)
Idris Elba - Luther
William Hurt - Too Big to Fail
Bill Nighy - Page Eight (Masterpiece)
Dominic West - The Hour

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Jessica Lange - American Horror Story
Kelly Macdonald - Boardwalk Empire
Maggie Smith - Downton Abbey (Masterpiece)
Sofia Vergara - Modern Family
Evan Rachel Wood - Mildred Pierce

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Peter Dinklage - Game of Thrones
Paul Giamatti - Too Big to Fail
Guy Pearce - Mildred Pierce
Tim Robbins - Cinema Verite
Eric Stonestreet - Modern Family

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