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'Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1' Trailer: Vampire Fetuses Are Super-Strong and Wreck Your Guts Up


Seeing how Twilight's forthright message of vampire-on-human teen abstinence was set up as a pretty obvious analog for promoting standard teen abstinence, you'd think that once the young couple was married--sparkly-skinned groom notwithstanding--they'd finally be clear to know each other in the biblical sense. Not the case! Even when legally wed, the calamity-filled life of Kristen Stewart: Vampire Lover refuses to abide by the clear-cut morality of the Mormon church, and the couple's long-awaited undead sex has some immediate, unexpected consequences: a baby! Which normally would be a lil' blessing from heaven, obviously, but in this case, being that it was born of vampejaculate, it's apparently a womb-killer. Or, as Edward Dracula says, "It's crushing [her] from the inside out!"(!!!)

I know what you're thinking. Ever the optimist, you're thinking, "Edward Dracula is not a doctor; he is not fit to assess whether or not a half-vampire fetus is crushing anyone, from the inside out or otherwise. Maybe this half-vampire baby is not crushing her from the inside out." Well, I hate to break your spirit, but the vampire who is also a doctor agrees: the fetus is too strong!

Turns out you should have waited until never to have sex, Kristen Stewart. Or just effed that agape wolfman and called it a day.

  • June 6, 2011
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  • September 7, 2012
    Edward and Bella have a half-vampire child now, but they're not the only undying monsters birthing atrocities: last night, the VMAs spawned a new Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2 trailer that highlights all the film's vampire melodrama and thrilling action. Ridiculous jumpi... / Continue →
  • June 20, 2012
    In this second chapter of Breaking Dawn--the final Twilight film until we almost immediately start it over again--Kristen Stewart is now a vampire, and her dead-eyed love affair with Robert Pattinson has brought the joyless couple an equally dead-eyed 10-year-old daughter. Unfo... / Continue →
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