Has it really been two weeks since I provided you with a crudely sketched, largely uninformed map of your local multiplex's offerings? For shame. Let's make everything right with this mediocre offering:
The Spy Next Door
Director: Brian Levant
Starring: Jackie Chan, Billy Ray Cyrus, George Lopez, Amber Valletta
Good if you want to see: The Pacifier 2: Jackie Chan Instead of Vin Diesel Now; how easy it can be to write a screenplay if you start with a bottom-of-the-barrel premise and never move upward
The Book of Eli
Director: Hughes Brothers
Starring: Denzel Washington, Mila Kunis, Gary Oldman
Good if you want to see: Denzel Washington being awesome in a post-apocalypse, and also he has this really great book, apparently.
Fish Tank (limited)
Director: Andrea Arnold
Starring: Katie Jarvis, Michael Fassbender, Kierston Wareing
Good if you want to see: a troubled British teen get in an illicit love triangle with her mom and her mom's boyfriend. And it isn't even a porn!
Last Station (limited)
Director: Michael Hoffman
Starring: Helen Mirren, Christopher Plummer, James McAvoy, Paul Giamatti
Good if you want to see: a depiction of the final years of Leo Tolstoy's marriage, hopefully ending all the debates me and all my erudite friends have about the final years of Tolstoy's marriage.
44-Inch Chest (limited)
Starring: Ray Winstone, Ian McShane, John Hurt, Tom Wilkinson, Joanne Whalley
Good if you want to see: machismo examined in a film that reportedly feels more like a play than a movie; just some big-ass chest, I assume.