Apr 30 2009New 'G.I. Joe' Trailer: Many Things Wrong Here
G.I. Joe cartoons were, primarily, extended advertisements for toys. As a kid, you see this guy with a metal face riding in an awesome missile launcher, you want to play with those things, and you beg your parents until they buy them, and then you watch more of the cartoon so that you understand who should be firing what at who. Everyone but parents win. And I think that's a fine system. If the new G.I. Joe movie was a big commercial for new toys, I'd be alright with that.
But it's not. It's more like an infomercial for crappy, black Iron Man suits that let you dodge things Matrix style:
VIDEO REMOVED AT REQUEST OF Paramount Pictures Corporation
(Thanks, Jonah Ray.)
Classic Stephen Sommers. No substance, all poorly computer-generated lack of style.
Where are all the ridiculous vehicles and weapons? Pretty much all I saw was a modified Hummer and the underwater city from The Phantom Menace. They're missing the whole point of G.I. Joe. It's not about jumping around in Halo suits, Mummy director; it's about army guys who are really awesome army guys with really awesome weapons fighting absurd but similarly awesome, snake-themed assholes (and it's about toys, of course). Simple as that. Why all the mechanically super-enhanced heroes? This isn't The Six-Million Dollar Man. It's like making a Batman movie where he's just shooting everyone with a pistol. Aside from fighting ninjas, pretty much everything else I just saw here was off.
If you decide to watch the trailer again, I recommend pretending it's for a new Pink Panther movie. It works until around the 40-second point, when you need a shot of a sheepish Steve Martin standing beside a barrell of "Eiffel Tower Dissolving Solution" to continue the ruse.
Reader Comments
1. Peter Potamus - April 30, 2009 6:11 PM
Did you get that thing I sent you?
2. What? - April 30, 2009 6:24 PM
Uhmm......
"from the director of 'The Mummy"
yea, it's crap.. what did you expect?
3. che-che - April 30, 2009 6:25 PM
is metal suppose to shatter like that, is the eiffel tower made of pewter?
so no over muscalar dudes, with big guns. i think you are right they totally missed the point. where;s sargeant slaughter. no one was yelling. you gotta have a total testosterone moment. of grunting and yelling!!
4. Eric - April 30, 2009 6:32 PM
Where is Sgt. Slaughter?
5. TetterkeT - April 30, 2009 6:47 PM
Snake themed assholes, FTW.
6. therush - April 30, 2009 6:47 PM
I'm really excited to see which more you know segment they make better and more computer generated. I'm hoping it's the one where you learn not to close yourself in a fridge.
7. mangrenade - April 30, 2009 6:49 PM
The French are pretty upset.
Of COURSE they're upset!!!
8. Mark Farson - April 30, 2009 7:26 PM
This already looks like the over-budgeted, crappily written sequel it's bound to get!
9. Hey - April 30, 2009 8:09 PM
crappily?
10. Isra - April 30, 2009 8:09 PM
Europe always gets it first...
11. Racer X - April 30, 2009 8:27 PM
Where's Tomax & Xamot?
12. Dave - April 30, 2009 8:37 PM
I think it's pretty damn stupid to criticize a G.I. Joe film for having no substance. Especially, right after you talk about how the cartoon is just a vehicle to sell toys.
Seriously, Summers is the perfect director for this type of movie. He does big "B" movies.
I have NO idea if the movie is gonna be good, but fussing about the director or that the G.I. JOE(III) trailer had no substance is beyond stupid.
It's the same with Transformers. It's not meant to change you as a person, just entertain you. No substance required. In that way Summers and Bay are the perfect choices for these films.
(note: I agree with the "halo" suits comment, that part is really stupid.)
13. Aaron - April 30, 2009 8:42 PM
The Joe's were supposed to be from various branches of the military, each with a different specialization or job. Which is why they each had a unique uniforms, like Duke with the Army browns, Flint with his Deltaforce type outfit, Shipwreck with his Navy blues.
Now they all wear black body armor when not wearing an Iron Man suit? The only dude that should be in all black is Snake-eyes.... and the Baroness, but not a dude.
This is really disappointing.
14. Polly Pureheart - April 30, 2009 8:48 PM
I dunno, I think it looks pretty fucking awesome.
http://wtcctr.blogspot.com
15. 1-Ton - April 30, 2009 9:24 PM
They destroy Paris? I'm in.
16. 1-Ton - April 30, 2009 9:26 PM
...as a side note. If they can cleverly work in "Pork Chop Sandwiches" into the movie somehow, it would be awesome.
17. Mr. Stratford - April 30, 2009 9:31 PM
Fuck accelerator suits.
18. Dex - April 30, 2009 9:48 PM
GI-Joe was my favorite growing up, and while it certainly was designed to sell toys, it wasn't without merit. There were a lot of positive things kids could take away from the cartoon. Anyway, it stings to see the movie being treated so poorly, and I don't quite understand why they all need to wear these suits... this looks to me like a pre-existing movie concept that has been shoehorned into the GI-Joe franchise.
Also, rust bombs, really? Wasn't that something that came with the Turtle Blimp?
Thankfully Cartoon Network is producing a great new animated GI-Joe.
19. Peepers - April 30, 2009 9:51 PM
If they kept the over-the-top storyline but kept all the true-to-source, flamboyant outfits, i believe the movie would be infinitely more watchable solely for the camp factor alone. Also, black leather robosuits are not badass in the world of joe. Imagine having your ass handed to you by a guy wearing only a tiny sailor hat and a strangely sensual open chested button down shirt. Then watch through bruised eyes as his buddies high five him and scream, "GOOD JOB, SHIPWRECK! GOOOOO JOE!" That beating would put a lot of things in perspective.
i hope they kept the public service announcements though
20. Valerie - April 30, 2009 10:27 PM
PREACH IT, #12! I'm with Dave. I'm sick of you people looking for deeply moving, hole-free plotlines in movies like this. WTF do you expect? Turn off your brain for a minute and have a little fun already.
You're a douche, IWS writer.
21. Nathiest - April 30, 2009 10:51 PM
uh....it looks really badass!!!
22. Hal - April 30, 2009 11:11 PM
#12 and #20 - No one is taking this seriously but you two - choose your battles better, you're just ice skating uphill. IWS FTW!
23. formerly SPELLINGNAZI© - April 30, 2009 11:57 PM
This looks like a cool movie IF IT WASN'T CALLED G.I. JOE. They made this just to make it. Hasbro hit a home run with Transformers so they are hoping to do the same with Joe. Swing and a miss.
The only thing good about that whole trailer was Baroness's boobs.
24. GET IN LINE IM FIRST UH HUH - May 1, 2009 1:57 AM
The problem is that we're trying to grade it on whether it resembles the cartoon and whatnot. Sure it's called "G.I. Joe" but just forget the name and it looks like it will be a pretty cool movie in its own right.
25. that dude right there - May 1, 2009 2:01 AM
I swear to God I just saw somebody turn into a Power Ranger
26. Matt Damon is a tranny - May 1, 2009 6:20 AM
I'm still waiting for the "My little pony" movie. Michael Bay, are you listening?
27. MrGutts - May 1, 2009 6:54 AM
What the hell, those two joes at the end jumping around on the streets dodging missiles looked just like the transformer movie shot in the street , when the two transformers were jumping around dodging missiles...
28. toulousainjames - May 1, 2009 7:16 AM
Took the words out of my mouth #27. GI Joe shouldn't be Transformers. And did anyone else find it funny that this is the French trailer and they have the Eiffel Tower melting featured prominently? Are they trying to make French people see it out of spite?
29. HordFactor - May 1, 2009 12:01 PM
@16... 1-Ton, great pull -- that was hilarious. Prompted me to post, simply to commend you (since no one else had).
Kinda tough to incorporate "pork chop sandwiches" when Barbeque didn't make the short-list of characters. Sommers probably couldn't figure out a way to make his red & yellow heat-resistant suit into a black leather atrocity.
Still, maybe Mutt and Junkyard will make an appearance. "Hey kid! I'm a computah!"
30. Basil - May 1, 2009 5:54 PM
It looks like it's a videogame advert now.
31. edc - May 2, 2009 4:26 PM
#22 you are living in a dream world, here is you:
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=40066
32. Nate - May 13, 2009 1:11 AM
As much as I KNOW this movie will power through using sure action and new age concepts alone... It saddens me that they are WAY off base. I understand it wasn't long ago we had more than enough "true to" war movies. And I understand that it makes sense adding technology to the power of nine thousand to keep up with the transformers... But really. F-ing Accelerator suits?
#23 Has it right. This does look like a GREAT movie. I believe it will be! But it's not the Joe I think the Fans want. IMO, this is a bigger mistake as far as staying true to the fans then when we found out the transformers were gonna change into new weird stuff. Or how they just seem to be adding whatever they want transformers like in TF2.
33. TruthIsPainful - May 18, 2009 2:18 AM
@31, you're a friggin genius. Ninja Turtle lady, brilliant. She almost looked and sounded like Chunk from Goonies.
Channing Tatum as Duke? More like "dancing' like a schizo on crack duke"
This movie is another box office popcorn muncher for tweens who will rip the movie, if they have the guts to see it and not be teased forever.
If you don't like my comments, eat it sucka!!