Your favorite Oscar liveblogging is here:
7:57 - Ready? Hugh Jackman is probably going to do some elaborate song and dance number on the subject of the Best Picture nominees any moment, so get your senses ready. Actually, he's humping Barbara Walters right now.
8:05 - There's such a thin line between the red carpet and just a really garish funeral.
8:09 - I don't know who this "Valentino" on the red carpet is, but he is undead. He looks like an elegant mummy wizard.
8:10 - I guess they're making the entire Slumdog cast travel as a pack, to make it funnier when they go through doorways.
8:12 - Mickey Rourke looking insane isn't even entertaining anymore. Especially since this is pretty restrained.
8:15 - Hannah Montana is like a bloomin' onion made of glitter.
8:17 - Nicolas Cage being in Know1ng means he's already won the Oscars, in a sense.
8:20 - These guys could not walk any slower with those briefcases. They're really basking in holding those.
8:22 - Every time the interviewers say someone looks fabulous, they lose some of their soul.
8:25 - Did you guys see that dress apparently made of sewn together cocktail napkins? I don't know anything about dresses, but I'll say it did look very labor intensive.
8:26 - They got an interview with the architect of the Kodak Theatre!? He's like the Frank Lloyd Wright of award show venues.
8:30 - God, it's like Tron!
8:32 - I think this intro is being done by Michel Gondry. And that Hugh Jackman is doing all he can to strip himself of all masculinity before Wolverine comes out.
8:35 - I wonder if he meant his head on top of a baby doll body to be absolutely terrifying.
8:36 - Anne Hatheway is a lovely lady. I'll just say it.
8:40 - Celebrities are really great humans. That's the lesson here.
8:41 - Thirty years of best supporting actressing, you know? What a great society we live in.
8:43 - They're letting all the prior best supporting actresses out of their cryo-chambers!
8:44 - Tilda Swinton is a mannequin made to teach kids about androgyny.
8:45 - So instead of clips, we just have prior winners pick a horse and boast about the nominees?
8:45 - SISTER ACT JOKE.
8:46 - Goldie Hawn has some real issues going on here.
8:47 - Penelope Cruz is our Best Supporting Actress. Write it down.
8:49 - She broke into some sort of gibberish there, but OK.
8:54 - The winner of Best Original Screenplay should be "No one, 'cause everything's been written, man." Think about it.
8:56 - "It's a stage of sorts." That line makes me think the Milk screenplay isn't necessarily that great.
8:59 - This system of showing the screenplay while showing the acting just makes me judge the actors' accuracy.
9:02 - This guy has like a rosary bandoleer.
9:03 - I love that this montage is showing all the animation that was too shitty to be nominated this year. "Also, Space Chimps was made."
9:07 - I hope they cut to Peter Gabriel in the audience more. He looks like a supervillain overseeing things, waiting for his henchman to drop in.
9:09 - I didn't see Lavatory Love Story, but what a disgusting concept. I'll never love anything amongst feces.
9:17 - The best way to represent art direction is with a stage full of clutter.
9:20 - Is the rest of the ceremony going to be given in this false attic they've created on stage?
9:21 - Of course The Duchess has best Costume Design. They looked at old dresses, recreated those dresses. Really great.
9:22 - This guy looks like Steve Carell's British brother.
9:23 - I like how the nominations are appearing in stripper prep mirrors, but in a warehouse.
9:25 - Twilight Vampire must have got stuck in "brood" mode during filming.
9:27 - Romance. How about it?
9:28 - Where the eff is Hugh Jackman? He'd better come back out dressed as Wolverine for no reason to introduce the next category.
9:31 - Classic Joaquin Phoenix impression.
9:33 - I just lost my office bet for Ben Stiller coming out and doing a Christian Bale impression during the cinematography award.
9:39 - This award sounds a lot like it's for MAGIC.
9:40 - This commercial for The Soloist is basically an ad for next year's Oscars.
9:42 - This is like the MTV Movie Awards suddenly. When is "Best Kiss"?
9:43 - I've never seen Mamma Mia, but these clips make it look like it's insane it exists.
9:47 - Directed by Billy Corgan.
9:51 - And this commercial apparently actually is edited by him.
9:52 - This is why we haven't seen Hugh Jackman in an hour? So he could put on his dancing shoes?
9:54 - So this is just about the concept of a musical, not about recent musicals? I don't understand what's happening.
9:57 - After the show, I hope they give all these tuxedos to the homeless.
9:59 - Baz Luhrmann created that musical number? As in he said, "First sing part of that one popular musical song, then switch to this other popular musical song"? He created that medley in as much as Now! That's What I Call Music creates their compilation CDs.
10:00 - Also, the musical is back. In case anyone stepped out and missed that.
10:02 - Cuba Gooding Jr.? He's going to be like, "Don't take it! You'll end up doing Radio! Which is underrated, I still feel!"
10:06 - Christopher Walken is more frightening than usual. And I just spent a few minutes talking about a Cuba Gooding Jr. movie I called Cruise Ship until someone finally told me it was Boat Trip.
10:11 - How about that Heath Ledger win, huh?
10:13 - Bill Maher is such a star. He doesn't need a co-presenter. And why is his jacket inflatable?
10:16 - Man on Wire himself would be a great Rorschach.
10:18 - No matter who wins tonight, the best documentary shorts will always be on Channel 1.
10:22 - It's weird when you stop paying attention for a second and then Tom Cruise and Jimmy Kimmel are in a burning building. Oh, and Hugh Jackman is back again, for his hourly appearance.
10:24 - Action movies. How about those?
10:26 - Why does Will Smith have Dracula's talisman on his lapel? I don't know what that means.
10:27 - I respect computer effects because I know how hard it is to break a computer's spirit and make it do your will.
10:30 - You knew Dark Knight would win sound editing for that part where it's like "BOOOOOOSH!!!"
10:32 - I just lost a couple points in my Oscar pool because I don't know how to judge any aspect of a movie's sound.
10:34 - At this point, Will Smith has had more screen time than Hugh Jackman.
10:41 - Which of Eddie Murphy's innumerable characters will give the award?
10:42 - First I was like, "What, Eddie Murphy giving a lifetime achievement award?" But now that I see it's Jerry Lewis, it makes sense.
10:51 - This is the part where I solemnly weep.
10:54 - I hope it isn't racist that I think all the Indian guys' tuxedos look like they'd be comfortable to sleep in.
10:59 - Again, where is Hugh Jackman?
11:02 - Never mind what I said about Peter Gabriel being the evil mastermind. Danny Boyle is the supervillain.
11:06 - Don't get any ideas about kidnapping the Slumdog girl. If you kidnap her, Liam Neeson will murder you.
11:09 - Somehow I only just realized the "81st" symbol has an Oscar statuette as the "1". Hopefully they'll use a dollar sign when we get to 85, like it's an eBay auction.
11:11 - Do you think Queen Latifah is doing the obituaries thing because of how she was dying in Last Holiday? That's the only connection I see.
11:13 - This might be the most clapping-free obituary ever. No one cares. Because of the economy.
11:20 - Congratulations, Danny Boyle, supervillain.
11:26 - This testimonial thing is so weird. Why are these actresses selling me on other actresses?
11:29 - Looking at Sophia Loren is hard. It's like, if I squint, I still keep the memory of thinking she's an amazing looking lady. But then I look with my eyes open, you can tell she eats babies.
11:31 - Angelina Jolie is so covered in emeralds, it looks like she's from Oz.
11:39 - De Niro backing Penn seems unfair. Having a scraggly Adrien Brody backing you must be such a depressing follow-up.
11:44 - Come on, Penn? Did the Academy not hear about Rourke's dog dying?
11:49 - This montage is about "movies".
11:52 - And there you have it. "Slumdog" is our best millionaire.
11:55 - Done by midnight. We did it, people. And Hugh Jackman has come back for a second. Good night.