Dec 16 2008Monty Python Box Set Contest Results!

Results! Thanks to everyone who entered (ed: see this contest, webheads!) to win this Monty Python DVD Collector's Set, and to A&E Home Video for providing it. Henceforth, you should buy all of your arts and entertainment wares from them.

And I've subjectively deemed the winner is...

The Imaginary Reviewer with:

The Christmas Presence

When their daughter refuses to go anywhere near the gifts under the tree, Sam and Jane (Kiefer Sutherland and Jennifer Connelly) suspect there's more than meets the eye to their new box of baubles. They find themselves battling an otherworldly entity that has taken the form of spherical shiny seasonal tree ornaments, in a fight that may consume their very souls!

Congratulations for striking a good balance between stupidity and feasibility, having apt casting, and being one of the few to actually contain the summary in one or two sentences. Plus, I like the arbitrary avoidance of mentioning "bulbs". "Box of baubles" is a phrase that will consistently make me do a nose-exhale laugh.

Below the jump, I've posted some others I liked for various reasons, and all the entries are still available for your perusal here. If yours didn't win or isn't mentioned, or you thought other ones were so much better: sorry. It's because I'm a stupid, unfunny idiot.

Santana Claus - Joshua Wiebe

This year every child in the world asked for the same thing: the greatest latin guitar solo ever performed. And by "jolly" they're going to get it. Hilarious hijinks ensue when the electrical box bursts at the enormous stage they've erected, and Santana has to learn that the true Christmas amplifier comes from the heart.

Ridiculous, yes, but so was how long "Smooth" remained on the radio.

Twelve Days of Christmas: The Unwrapping - Slava

Loner detective with a heart of gold Hank Briggs [Colin Farrell] is in a race against time - LITERALLY. Briggs has 12 days to track down an escaped mental patient [Keanu Reeves] before he unknowingly opens a present planted by evil mastermind [John Voight] set to destroy half of New York - for ever.

First I was only caught by superfluous use of "literally" and "forever", but on second reading I began to appreciate that the escaped mental patient's only role is to open a present planted by the actual villain.

2 Fast 2 Generous - c0wb0ys7y13

Vin Diesel and Chris "Ludacris" Bridges join forces to take down an underground Yakuza drifting syndicate, only to uncover a plot to hijack Santa. The drifting duo must drift their way into Christmas drifting history!

"2 Fast 2 Generous" is a great title, but it would be better for an article about Vin Diesel dying and leaving his organs to fans.

Memory Lane - DG Three

A story about a dying woman, who has alzheimer's, spends her last christmas with a nurse at her home. In the end the nurse gets to learn more about her grandmother during one holiday than she did in her whole life.

Wait, so the nurse is also her GRANDDAUGHTER!? Those kind of last-second reveals are what make great movies.

SHAQs CHRISTMAS - daniel danger

after injuring santa claus in their annual one-on-on b-ball match with a thrown elbow, shaq has to step up and save christmas by learning to shoot free throws and huckin presents down chimneys all around the world before time runs out. will shaq let the children of the world down? will people remember that kobe raped someone?

I have a soft spot for Shaq-mocking comedy, and there were several entries on the subject, but this was my favorite. How did no one think of Shaq-A-Claus?

Pregnant Paws - spiderman2099

One silent and snowy Christmas Eve, an altruistic pregnant dog ventures around town, birthing a puppy--one by one--for those in need. Her two biggest challenges are a scrooge-like business man, and a melodramatic third grader who contemplates her fate high up on the ledge of an authentic art deco hotel. Can she get them puppies in time, and does she have enough to warm their hearts?

I love horrible dog things, and of all the dog-related entries, this seemed the most stupidly viable. Kudos to all the Air Bud Christmases though.

EX-MAS - (no name given)

Ben Stiller's character falls out of love with Jen played by Jennifer Aniston. But for the holidays they have to pretend they're still in love for her parents who never think anything is good enough (especially her relationships). This year spend "X-Mas" with your "EX"!

So real it's barely funny.

Five Golden Rings - Ivy

Hugh Grant is dating amazing Sarah when he runs into 4 of his "serious" exes. With the holidays coming around, he's starting to feel like he should make a gesture, but will it be to Sarah, or to one of four fantastic memories?

Choose one of the four fantastic memories, Hugh!

Single all the Way - Nooken


Vince Vaughn, a confirmed bachelor party boy, learns that he stands to earn a great inheritance if he's married by Christmas. He gets his childhood best friend Rachel Weisz to help him find "the one" and after a series of hapless dates and screwups he realizes it's been her all along.

Again, the title and summary are so feasible it's barely a joke, but it's also great for the same reason.

Tis the Simian - Sean


The plot is that Santa breaks his hand, so Mongo the gorilla gives Santa his hands for the holiday. After dropping off the presents to the children using gorilla hands, Santa finds out Mongo has been kidnapped by poachers. Santa then goes through the Congo jungle to try and rescue Mongo who can not fight back due to him having Santa's hands, which are broken. Uses poor African children to help at climactic final battle.

Sean almost lost me when I started thinking, "Wait, why doesn't Mongo just fight back?" But then he reminded me: Mongo has Santa's hands, which are broken, so it all made sense. Also, this is insane.

Black Santa - Lance


Martin Lawrence is the "Black Santa."

That makes sense.

Santa C.L.A.U.S (Cyborg Lifeform Automated Using Science) - Nathan Rivera

While delivering presents on Christmas Eve, Rudolph is shot down by a hunter who mistakes him as a "flyin' buck". As a result, Santa's sleigh crashes to the ground in a horrifying crash and a Christmas-loving scientist (Clint Howard) comes across Santa's mangled body and vows to repair him so that he can finish delivering presents. Santa then continues his journey, only now he is half-cyborg! But when he drinks his first glass of milk his circuits malfunction and he begins to go on a murderous rampage. After futile attempts by the military to stop him, they call the only man who can bring the reign of terror to an end: retired bounty hunter, "Tank" Roberts (Dolph Lundgren).

Great acronym title.

Slamta Claus - LBS

A dying boy's Christmas wish is to see his favorite - but awful - state basketball team win the title. Everything looks hopeless until unknown rookie Nicholas Saint starts taking the court by storm.

Note: the kid still dies.

This could be Disney's next Angels in the Outfield AND Shaq's next Kazaam.

Holmes for the Holidays - Lexican

When a young misfit (Daniel LeJambon) discovers that his divorced parents will not be spending Christmas together, he despairs of ever finding his family's lost holiday spirit. But then--with a little Christmas magic--he summons his favorite literary hero from his grandfather's copy of The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. Now, with the help of his little sister (newcomer Nebraska Montana) and the girl he secretly loves (Tifhanni Hen), he must help the master of emotionless logic find that there's more to Christmas than deductive reasoning!
With Alan Rickman as Sherlock Holmes.
Tagline: This Christmas, it's time to get deductive!
Obligatory dialog:
Nonthreating black friend: Hey, homes.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm afraid you have me at a disadvantage.

It seemed convoluted until I realized it's just "Nim's Island" with some Christmas thrown in.

The Weather Outside is Frightful - Christy

You thought snow was safe. You thought snow was fluffy. You thought wrong. This Christmas, six sexually active teens learn that when tiny supercooled cloud droplets freeze, it's a blizzard of MURDER.

I would love for the gravelly-voiced voice-over of a horror movie trailer to warn me of "supercooled cloud droplets."

Ho Ho Hos - Lili


Marlon Wayans is a policeman who goes undercover as a female hooker to solve the mystery of the Christmas Tree Killer, who targets prostitutes. While becoming accustomed to the life of a streetwalker, he meets and falls for a lovably dumb working girl played by Anna Faris, and his fellow hookers show him the true meaning of Christmas. Shawn Wayans inexplicably co-stars as a gigolo in a fat suit.

There were so many whore-themed entries, I almost dismissed this. But no, it definitely works. That's a future Classic Wayans you've written, Lili.

The Twelve Dog Days of Christmas - Brandon Krajewski


Twelve short films starring 12 celebrities as themselves and their real-life canine counterparts, will have you laughing and crying with holiday cheer. Follow an all-star cast including Zac Efron, Kirsten Dunst, Casper Van Dien and Whoopi Goldberg as they wash, walk and whimper with their furry and festive friends.

ABC Family is going to use this description verbatim when they broadcast this next year.