Nov 21 2008Bond Girl Has Betrayed Soviet Party
The Communist Party of St. Petersburg has expressed outrage at actress Olga Kurylenko for assisting "the killer of of hundreds of Soviet people and their allies." Wait, I'm sorry, that's not right. They're upset that Kuylenko played a movie character who assisted another movie character who has killed Soviet people in movies. From Yahoo:
The Ukrainian actress, who plays a Bolivian secret agent opposite Daniel Craig's 007 in "Quantum Of Solace", has also gained ire of the Communist Party of St. Petersburg, which in an open letter on its website condemned her for aiding "the killer of hundreds of Soviet people and their allies." The group's statement describes 007 as "a man who worked for decades under the orders of Thatcher and Reagan to destroy the USSR."
God, so true. When will Bond be tried for his Cold War crimes? Here's another good point:
Sergei Malenkovich, head of the party's regional organization, further elaborated ... arguing the movie wanted "to show that a Ukrainian girl sleeps with an American. It's a part of information and psychological war." Never mind that Kurylenko's character does not sleep with 007 in the film or that James Bond is, in fact, not American but British.
Whups, time to get a fact checker, Sergei. Or maybe watch the movie. Still, valid points.
Don't worry about the Bond actress, though. Kurylenko's soul is still not beyond saving. She can redeem herself to her people. SO LONG AS SHE BRINGS IN DANIEL CRAIG FOR QUESTIONING!
Her supposed betrayals will be forgiven, the group promised in its statement, if the actress delivers her co-star Craig to the Russian secret service. "Let him tell what other plans are being written in the Pentagon and Hollywood to discredit Russia and drive a wedge between the Russian and Ukrainian peoples."
"We have a few questions for you, Mr. [actor who played] Bond. Will Boris and Natasha ever capture moose and squirrel? Why will Rocky not consent to a rematch with Ivan Draco? That sun-powered guy from Superman IV--that was supposed to be us, right?"
"I don't know, guys. I'm just an actor playing a part."
"No, Mr. Bond, you're... will die!"
Personally, I'm still pissed at the guy who played Boba Fett for playing any role where he would assist Darth Vader. You know how many innocent people that guy killed on Alderaan alone? Actor who played Boba Fett, you're a disgrace to have assisted Vader in the capture of Han Solo. Not to mention sleeping with him.
(Thanks to Justin, who points out, "Playing a Russian hooker in Hitman is apparently an acceptable communist job but an international spy is not.")
Reader Comments
1. Uncle Eccoli - November 21, 2008 12:49 PM
Russia does a pretty fair job of discrediting Russia all on its own.
2. Uncle Eccoli - November 21, 2008 12:50 PM
Hang on, didn't Tarkin destroy Alderaan?
3. Anonymous Poster - November 21, 2008 12:57 PM
Wow. No wonder Russia's a shit pit.
4. Altaire - November 21, 2008 1:01 PM
I'll live in their world. Then I can sue Bambi for my abandonment issues.
5. tomorrowsparty - November 21, 2008 1:06 PM
Russia still needs to answer for her crimes against Swayze, Sheen and all the good Americans lost in that Red Dawn incident.
6. Daniel - November 21, 2008 1:06 PM
This is really alarming - do these people actually represent the views of the government? In other words, is the Russian government trying to revive the ideology of the USSR?
7. Hairyman - November 21, 2008 1:48 PM
This is the most embarrassing thing I have read in a long time.
8. paul - November 21, 2008 2:37 PM
I smell publicity stunt
9. Mcfeely Smackup - November 21, 2008 3:09 PM
Uh guys, this is a nutcase fringe group, NOT the government of Russia, or a representative of ANY legitimate organization for that matter. Be careful making sweeping judgements about a country, goverment, or people based on waht a single nutjob thinks.
Read up on nutcases in our OWN government for some perspective: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cynthia_McKinney#Accusation_of_Murder_by_Department_of_Defense
10. Uncle Eccoli - November 21, 2008 3:18 PM
@9
Show me a legitimate organisation in Russia. They're one of the most corrupt states in the world.
11. Windier E. Megatons - November 21, 2008 3:57 PM
That's hilariously ridiculous. I'm glad they also know history (Reagan: US president for "decades"? Maybe not quite.)
12. Sam - November 21, 2008 4:11 PM
No wonder communism was and still is a big huge failure.
13. Ans - November 21, 2008 5:10 PM
Atleast Rocky ended the Cold War.
14. J - November 21, 2008 5:29 PM
Mr. Putin, put up this wall?
The idea that the Bond franchise was part of a PR war against the USSR is possibly legitimate, and the further idea that anyone involved with it is therefore a warrior in this PR war is certainly logical. It certainly doesn't make this guy any less a crackpot; after all Yakov Smirnov still has a career. (Possibly bussing tables in Branson).
15. timmy the dying boy - November 21, 2008 7:18 PM
Feh. These days, the Communist Party has about as much credibility as Ralph Nader.
16. JSTFU - November 21, 2008 9:20 PM
@9..Yeah, the ACTUAL government of Russia assassinates their opponents with nuclear isotopes in their coffee.
Never mind the fact that Olga is probably the only Russian woman that I want to actually have sex with, but never will. Those other girls meant nothing Olga!
17. Vagabondking - November 22, 2008 5:12 AM
Eccoli is right, Vader was only complicit in Aldaraan's destruction through his silence. The Grand Moff gave the order. But silence confers assent.
18. wotlk leveling guide - November 22, 2008 10:58 AM
It really makes me wonder why the communist party is such a failure
19. Elmo - November 22, 2008 2:05 PM
I really liked the Russian girl in that movie, but the English chick was such dumb ass...
(example) she tripped a dude with major ties to people who kill other people down the freaking stairs, and said "Whoops!" *grr..*
20. Brandon - November 22, 2008 7:55 PM
Mr. Writer-
That was hilarious!
21. Mike - November 24, 2008 3:20 PM
Jeremy Bullock played Boba Fett and hes a brit too
22. buzz_clik - November 24, 2008 7:49 PM
Awesome post. I usually want to make some terrible attempt at being witty in the comments section. This time, however, I'll just shut up and give props to a great bit o' funny writing. Nicely played!