Oct 6 2008Showtime and Bacon Working on John Wilkes Booth Emmy Bait
Kevin Bacon and Showtime are working together to prepare a new cable series about John Wilkes Booth and his brothers. From Variety:
"The Booths" will revolve around actor-brothers Edwin, Junius Brutus Jr. and John Wilkes Booth and their dysfunctional relationship in the years prior to Lincoln's assassination.No writer is yet attached, but Bacon will exec produce for the cabler. Showtime is no stranger to period drama, having aired "The Tudors," among other shows.
John Wilkes Booth eventually became a rabid defender of the South and clashed with his brother Edwin. The three brothers performed together just once, in a New York showing of "Julius Caesar" in 1864.
Booth, of course, shot Lincoln at Ford's Theatre while the President was watching the play "Our American Cousin" on April 14, 1865.
Look, Showtime. I know after HBO's success with John Adams, you guys want an early-American biographical melodrama too, but if you want to really bring home the awards, you can't half-ass it. Here are some suggestions to help you out. You can thank me after the Emmys.
- You already have The Tudors, so don't call this The Booths. Just Booth. Much cooler, and you can say it like Lost.
- The Booth brothers are all actors, so let's get actual actor-brothers to play them--really add another layer to this thing. The Baldwins seem like the obvious choice, but since Kevin Bacon is producing, maybe use the Bacon Brothers? I think there are only two of them though, so the third guy will be have to be CGI. Actually, fuck it, let's just get the Jonas Brothers.
- And could we get Harry Dean Stanton to play Lincoln? Everyone loves that guy.
- When Booth shot Lincoln, he used a derringer. LIKE A WOMAN! In this Showtime version, he should use like a Magnum, or something from Halo.
- In the final episode, it's revealed that John Wilkes Booth and Lincoln are the same person, and that Lincoln was a figment of Booth's imagination, so there's still slavery. For the last shot, the camera pulls back to reveal the entire series was being watched by Shaq in the Miami Heat locker room. An off-camera voice calls to him: "Time to play basketball, Shaq," and Shaq stands up and he's in chains.
- ALTERNATELY...*
After shooting Lincoln, Booth quickly puts his mouth to the brain-hole and draws deeply, swallowing Lincoln's soul and absorbing all of his knowledge (as explained by Morgan Freeman's voice-over). Booth shouts, "It's a great day to be a Booth!" and flies up through a skylight, shattering the glass as though he were unaware of it completely. Cut to: small diner on a desolate stretch of highway. Title: "Moments later, 500 miles away." A figure enters the diner. He's tall, stately, bearded--is it... Lincoln? NO! It's Booth! Only he has Lincoln's beard from sucking in his soul! A hostess approaches him, "Counter or booth?" He looks to the camera knowingly. Credits. (It's the Blade Runner music for the credits.)
*By alternately, I mean both endings are shown, and a title would say "alternately" so audiences would get to choose which ending they think really happened.

Reader Comments
1. glace neuf - October 6, 2008 1:32 PM
both endings are genius.
2. Elmo - October 6, 2008 1:58 PM
dear god I can't stop laughing
*Mr. Movie-Writer-Guy should write movies, damnit*
3. Roy99 - October 6, 2008 2:15 PM
Sweet Jesus - the ending with Shaq? Brilliant. You are BRILLIANT.
4. delic8 - October 6, 2008 2:17 PM
I honestly can't decide which ending is better. I vote that both are true, because of cats.
This is the best post in a long while.
The fucking bestest.
5. Elmo - October 6, 2008 2:18 PM
no no no the soul sucking thing... *as explained by morgan freeman's voiceover*... xD
i had to send that to like half the people I know (the other half aren't funny)
6. Medications - October 6, 2008 2:32 PM
Hahaha, those endings are fucking brilliant. You just ruined the series for me too because now I will be inevitably disappointed with however Showtime actually ends it
7. MIKE - October 6, 2008 3:02 PM
shaq plays for the suns now. what is this, 2007 and much of 2008?
8. heath - October 6, 2008 5:09 PM
wow. hard to pick an ending, but i'm gonna go with shaq. and honestly, i can't stop laughing about your endings. funniest thing i've heard in a while.
9. Peanut - October 6, 2008 5:13 PM
Serves me right for reading this at work.
I LOL'd all over the place.
10. Freck - October 6, 2008 6:59 PM
I'll always choose and ending with blade runner credits.
11. Phil - October 7, 2008 10:29 PM
I thought at Fords theater Lincoln actually got hammered in the ass so much, that he died from being hammered in the ass.
12. tobes - October 8, 2008 7:48 PM
oh my lord. this may be the funniest post you've ever written. thank you for existing.
13. samantha - October 9, 2008 3:01 PM
phil, i feel like we should get married..
the "counter or booth" line won me over.