Oct 17 2008Ratner (Mostly) Officially Directing Conan
It's sort of official: the rumor that Brett Ratner is directing the new Conan film is true. AICN reports:
Let’s be clear... stop calling [Conan] a remake. They’re not doing the Milius film. They’re starting over from the original stories. So it’s relly wrong to call this thing a remake at all. You won’t be seeing the same story or even the same supporting characters. This is ground zero.And now it appears to be official that Brett Ratner is directing the goddamn thing.
Oh, brother. Alright, Brett, do your worst. And I mean that. Seriously, do your worst. Making a non-laughable movie about a fictional barbarian would already be a chore for most directors. There's no way you of all people can do it, so really, just make it terrible. Make this the watch ironically while drunk movie of the year. I want joke about name pronunciation ("It's ConAn, not ConIn!"); I want pop culture references ("What do I look like, a talk show host?"); I want exasperated looks at the camera (Conan looking at camera and shrugging); and I want to hear this exchange: "You da man!" "No, I'm the CO-man," says Conan, lowering his sunglasses.
If that rumor about an American Gladiator being up for the lead is true, you're already off to a good start.
Reader Comments
1. born2expire - October 17, 2008 2:24 PM
Terrible, terrible news.
The original Robert E.Howard stories where incredible, and Brett (I was in Scarface!) Ratner well surely butcher them.
2. CaptainMorgan - October 17, 2008 2:26 PM
I think an Arnold impersonator is in order. It should be a comedy (like the first one, but funny). Lots of opportunity for comedy gold.
3. colin - October 17, 2008 2:53 PM
I used to hate the writer of this blog. But our shared hatred for the Ultra-Douche Brett Ratner has turned my hate into love. Hot love.
Good luck with Conan Brett. When you look at the box office for the talking dog movie it seems the industry really only needs directors like you. Why even bother with people that have real talent.
4. Eville1 - October 17, 2008 3:07 PM
Fuck them, it's a remake. I don't care if it's a different story. And fuck Jewverine ratner.
5. Eville1 - October 17, 2008 3:08 PM
And they used the FONT FROM THE GAME oh that's funny
6. 1manarmy - October 17, 2008 3:43 PM
Does this mean he's not gonna be fucking up God Of War anymore? I really hope so.
7. Zyclonis - October 17, 2008 3:44 PM
Ratner? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo!!!!
8. PurpleJedi - October 17, 2008 3:45 PM
I wouldn't mind a Conan remake if we could get PETER JACKSON to direct!!!
9. lunchboxx - October 17, 2008 4:01 PM
WTF?!!?!?!? none of the supporting characters!?!?!?!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
DONT WRITE OFF SUBOTAI !!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVED THAT DUDE!!!!!!
10. TetraShiva - October 17, 2008 4:04 PM
As long as it keeps him away from Guitar Hero and/or anything to do with Batman, I'm all for it. Even if the original Conan was one kick-ass movie. :(
Oh, and the I Watch Stuff writer is okay with me.
11. lobosolo - October 17, 2008 4:30 PM
didn't the first conan movie say everything that needed to be said ? "crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women" nuff said.
12. RJD - October 17, 2008 6:07 PM
No, let him do a Guitar Hero movie, just to keep him away from Conan.
This will suck. Just what we need Rush Hour Cimmerian.
Some how Chris Tucker will be Conan's sidekick and he'll wedge Jackie Chan in somewhere...
13. Bobeyo - October 17, 2008 8:25 PM
#11: Isn't it true that Genghis Khan is supposed to have actually said that?
Anyway, I hope Brett "The Rat" Ratner DIES bofore making this film. Might as well get Uwe Boll to direct it. At least then no one would see it.
14. Vtron80 - October 18, 2008 6:12 PM
to . Eville1 - October 17, 2008 3:08 PM
And they used the FONT FROM THE GAME
Actually that is/ has become the FONT that anyone who wants to make anything Conan HAS to use Per the Robert E Howard Franchise & License that grants the rights to those who want to make anything that's Conan based, look at the comic books, toys, and re-release story compilations (since 2003) all use the same font and Atlantean Sword hilt design. Yes Brett Ratner is kinda of a douche, but Red Dragon in all fairness was a pretty damn good movie that was done by Brett Ratner, more true to the source material than Ridley Scott's Hannibal. If the guy can get his head out of his ass and show more of the filmaker that made Red Dragon, and get a good crew and cast behind it; just maybe Conan can be great
15. pewpew - October 19, 2008 2:19 AM
thats bs they needed Rob Zombie to do this movie , he would have created an incredible world and his story telling is fun and violent just like Conan.. if they get a American Gladiator to do this movie Mako will rise from is grave and crush this director and crew, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women......
16. FutureAxeMurderer - October 20, 2008 3:24 AM
This has Fail written all over it.