May 8 2008Look at All These New 'G.I. Joe' Characters!
Like a breeze of pollen spreading its offensive seeds across the landscape, a new batch of G.I. Joe character shots have turned up around the web, and they're already causing a harsh reaction from my distorted-nostalgia allergy. Each shot originally appeared on a different site, but I've helpfully assembled them here for easier viewing (with the aid of Cinematical already doing so).
Truth be told, my memories of the specifics of these characters have faded, so I've made up character names and summaries rather than look anything up. I hope that works for everyone.
Navy Seal: British hit-maker Seal, with a gun. (Note: if viewed in close-up, he looks nothing like the R&B singer, Seal. At that point, he becomes Covert-Ops Navy Seal.)
Cae-Borg: A cyborg notable for his heat-sensing cybernetic eye-piece and early-Clooney, Caesar haircut.
Ghost Ninja: A ghost ninja, out for vengeance against his arch-enemy: Standard Ninja.
She's All Thatssassin: The nerdy, four-eyed assassin no one likes... until a makeover and a set of contacts make her the belle of the Assassin's Ball!
Martian Businessman: A businessman--from fucking Mars!
Someone's Divorced Dad: The sad, divorced dad of one of the Joes, he sometimes shows up unannounced with beer or weed, asking how old everyone thinks he looks in his beret and biker jacket. "Mid-30s, right? I always get that."
Reader Comments
1. Patrick - May 8, 2008 3:23 PM
Who the heck is the second guy supposed to be, and more importanly... WHY THE HELL ISN"T DESTRO'S HEAD SILVER?!?! Is it some sort of invisible metal head he's supposed to have? Fuck this movie. Fuck this movie straight to hell.
2. Patrick - May 8, 2008 3:25 PM
Sorry, I meant the first guy. The guy with the dirt lip. Maybe that's his name... "Dirt Lip".
3. Sup - May 8, 2008 3:25 PM
THAT'S DESTRO??? sigh...so much for that childhood dream
4. Nathan - May 8, 2008 3:43 PM
is that destro? the guy from heros 28 days later and dr who? Hes missing his head. Instead its been replaced with a twat. He better have some sort of weird helmet or something. goddamnit.
5. The Superficial Writer - May 8, 2008 3:45 PM
This is the fucking funniest thing I've read all day.
Bravo, mate!
P.S. Oh yeah, almost forgot: DESTRO HEAD ISN'T SILVER! HOW DO I GO ON LIVING!?!
6. Azurre1316 - May 8, 2008 4:07 PM
Wasn't Destro's head a mask that his family wore when he went to battle? Hopefully he puts that crap on at some point in the movie.
7. Adam - May 8, 2008 4:35 PM
Awesome!! This movie gets crappier with each passing day! I can't wait to miss this in theaters!
8. slug - May 8, 2008 5:07 PM
be interesting to see how they modernize Gung-Ho.
9. Phillip - May 8, 2008 5:25 PM
It's not Destro you turds.
I must admit that my memory has faded over the last two decades, but isn't that ROADBLOCK?
10. RTH - May 8, 2008 6:17 PM
I see that guy... I think more along the lines of Major Bludd... eyepatch instead of that eyepiece, though...
11. patrick - May 8, 2008 6:18 PM
While you're on the internet, you should use it to look up the fact that Christopher Eccleston (Dr. Who, 28 Days Later) is in fact playing Destro. I mean it's right fucking there at your finger tips. You just type what you're looking for into Google and it gives you answers. You complete dick knuckle.
12. eddie - May 8, 2008 6:59 PM
here's another pic of storm shadow and baroness together:
http://www.crunchgear.com/wp-content/photos/gi_joe_baroness_storm_shadow_photo.jpg
13. James007 - May 8, 2008 7:42 PM
wow - StormShadow and Destro look like complete tools
why does SS's outfit have coattails?
why is Destro a 140 lb wimp?
lame!!!
is too much to ask them to convert the cartoon/comic book as faithfully as possible without adding their own personal ideas?
this is going to be the new TMNT for this decade
14. Conrad Hauser - May 8, 2008 8:00 PM
At least Storm Shadow has a mask on in this picture and isn't dressed in black leather like everyone else... The only other positive I can point out from this movie thus far is that the Baroness and Cover Girl both have nude photos floating around the internet...
15. Grace - May 8, 2008 9:01 PM
Ghost Ninja looks like the costume they wore in one of those end scenes in Sidekicks. I guess not even G.I. Joe is immune to the power of Chuck Norris.
16. G.I. Jones - May 9, 2008 7:53 PM
I LIKE CARTOONS!
17. Prof - May 10, 2008 3:26 AM
@ 11- LOL, the phrase "dick knuckle" is now my new favorite! That's just funny no matter who you are!
18. Mr. Mason - May 10, 2008 7:26 AM
It's actually a very bold, supportive move that Hollywood's making to make us all grow up by burning down the collective childhoods of a generation. You really can't go home again after all.
19. cl - May 11, 2008 2:42 PM
This is the WORST casting and movie EVER!!!! This is a huge pile of Cr-p!!
Everything about this MOVIE is BAD, casting , production design, costumes ...EVERYTHING...period. I would rather go see a chick flik. RAY park as snake eyes CANNOT save this movie.
They heavyduty instead of ROADBLOCK!?
They cast a WAYANS BROS. as a white caharcter , before even having STALKER in the movie!?
They DIDNT cast the lead from 300 to play DESTRO!!!
storm shadow looks like he belongs in a matrix sequel!!!
The barroness casting is bad.
I like Dennis Quiad but ..HAWK he ISNT!!!
G.I joe outfits look like BRUCE WAYNE designed them!!!
And they got the WRONG guy to play COBRA COMMANDER!!!