May 23 2008'Batman: Gotham Knight' Trailer or Hypothetical Ways the Japanese Could Have Ruined Batman
This trailer for Batman: Gotham Knight doesn't contain anywhere near the number of giant Bat-mechs, oversized comic teardrops, or busty catgirl Robins I would have hoped for in a Batman-as-anime scenario. At least they remembered to give the superhero the malicious, horrid grin of the archetypical anime rapist character. I know where those Batarangs are going!
May 23 2008New 'Street Fighter' Shot: Chun-Li Looks Nothing Like You Remember
Why is this being made again? I mean, seriously. I know I've asked the same thing when I heard news of Shrek VI and 4 Fast 4 Furious and other ludicrous and largely-undesirable movies, but that was just me expressing my impotent rage--like how I'll scream "Why, God, WHY?!" when I learn I have a terminal illness, even though I already know the reason why (unhealthy living, various sins). But I really mean it this time. Why? Why would anyone choose to make a Street Fighter movie now?
I can understand the original attempt, which was hurriedly cashing in on the insane popularity of the video game in the early '90s, but surely interest has waned a bit over the last 15 years. Hasn't it? And it isn't like the game has some amazing storyline--I remember it being some people fighting for various reasons, like avenging a death, or proving sumo wrestling is OK--and the above shot (and this previous one) make it pretty apparent they're throwing the character design out the window, so what's left? A few names, the notion of fighting outdoors, a glimmer of nostalgia, and the ever-present shadow of a jump-kicking Jean-Claude Van Damme? What's the point?
I honestly don't know why someone thinks this is a good idea. If we've become so desperate for ideas that we're resorting to old video game franchises, let's at least move on to some we haven't tried yet. An Alvin and the Chipmunks-style Sonic the Hedgehog seems obvious enough. Let's get to it.
May 23 2008'Tropic Thunder' Poster is Triumvirate of Laughs
This is the version of Cerberus that guards the gates of Comedy Heaven. To get through you have to resist laughing, which is clearly impossible after seeing those wacky expressions, so it's likely no one will ever reach Comedy Heaven.
Tropic Thunder Poster [IMPA]
May 22 2008'Dragonball' First Look: Chow Yun Fat as Master Roshi
Even as someone who cares absolutely nothing about Dragonball, I'm pretty astounded by how far this movie is deviating from the source material, when I'm pretty sure only the most devoted fans who will even bother with this. Did they have Chow Yun-Fat make the costume himself out of whatever he could find in his closet in five minutes?
"Well, I got the Hawaiian shirt, but that's about it. I coulda sworn I had some sunglasses in there somew--"
"That's fine. Let's shoot."
"But shouldn't I have a bald cap, at least a goatee?"
"No, this great. Just a Hawaiian shirt pulled over a sweatshirt. You look fantastic--just like the Moshi man. This will be a great movie."
2nd Dragonball Look [Jo Blo]
May 22 2008'Space Chimps' Continues to Look Really Good with New Poster
From the trailer, it was already clear Space Chimps was going to be a wonderfully charming animated family comedy about chimps in space, and probably even have some strong sequel potential. But now, thanks to this poster, it's looking even better! No, I'm not talking about the clever "go bananas" tagline (chimps do like bananas); I'm referring to the "music by" section. It's hard to see it this size, but if you look at the full version, you'll see Chris Bacon--OK, whatever--and... is that... Blue Man Group? YES. Not only do you get to hear Patrick Warburton play yet another oafish animated character, you'll also be lightly serenaded by the pounding of sticks in a paint-puddled drum, the faint hum of a blacklight, and the deafening applause of excited tourists. What a beautiful, beautiful film this will be.
'Space Chimps' Poster Premiere [Cinematical]
May 22 2008'Eagle Eye' Teaser Trailer Saves Tonight
Eagle Eye, Shia LaBeouf's newest attempt at making the name Even Stevens synonymous with action, has a new teaser trailer online at the official site. It's already drawing criticism for its ridiculous phone-call-guides-you-exactly-where-and-when-to-move similarities to The Matrix, but with an original story by Steven Spielberg--his first since The Goonies--I'd urge you to give it a shot. Especially since I've heard the "projectile speed" sequences are radically different than The Matrix's "bullet time."
May 22 2008Jay Roach Warns of More Austin Powers, Focker Sequels
Mike Myers and Ben Stiller may have been temporarily distracted promoting the shit out of their respective zany new comedies on American Idol last night, but Jay Roach wants to remind us all that we aren't out of the woods as far as Austin Powers/Meet the Focker sequels are concerned. The director spoke to MTV and warned that everyone involved is thinking about ways to make comedy as a whole just a little broader with another sequel to either/both series, effectively jangling the keys to his nuclear armaments, adding, "We’re just trying to find the right story that makes it worth doing again." So if you're around Jay Roach at a dinner party or something, don't mention any new time periods where it would be funny to say "Groovy, baby!"; don't speak of ways pratfalls led to disaster with your in-laws; no midget jokes. Otherwise, you will be held responsible when Mike Myers puts in those hilarious prosthetic teeth.
Sequels To 'Austin Powers,' Meet the Parents' Inching Along [MTV]
May 21 2008Watch 'Quid Pro Quo' Trailer in Exchange for Something
Disabilities. To many of us they're just something one of the characters on PBS cartoons always has, but to others they're a part of daily life. And to other still, they're something you pay a doctor to give you by sawing off your legs so you too can enjoy the luxuries of driving a Rascal. Wait, what? Such is the premise to Quid Pro Quo, a new thriller in which wheelchair-bound radio host Nick Stahl investigates a twisted web of lies and deceit as he tries to figure out what's behind the sudden jump in voluntary amputees, and why he can never seem to find parking anymore. Trailer under the cut.
Continue Reading "Watch 'Quid Pro Quo' Trailer in Exchange for Something"
May 21 2008Theories I've Formed About 'The Happening' Based Entirely on This Poster
- The "happening" is when a novice graphic designer happens upon a fun new Photoshop filter that makes stuff look "all wavy and shit."
- We're traveling through a time warp to the year 2000, back to when news of an M. Night Shyamalan film caused more than a shrug.
- Someone from the graphics department said, "Maybe we should distort this or something to distract from the terrible job we did making the papers on the ground look real."
- The Happening doubles as an edgy new Eastpak ad campaign.
- This is the twist ending: the film being literally, digitally twisted.
Twisted New Poster for Shyamalan's The Happening [First Showing]
May 21 2008More 'Fringe' Mysteries Solved in New Preview
First came the posters, covered with cryptic images, like leaves, which were covered in even crypticer images, like triangles. Now Fringe has a full preview, revealing more clues to the unfulfilling mysteries that await those who watch Fox. Below the cut, see the trailer to J.J. Abrams' latest sure-to-be-drawn-out series, along with my thorough analysis of its hidden mysteries. (Thanks, Chaz!)
Continue Reading "More 'Fringe' Mysteries Solved in New Preview"
May 21 2008Miranda July to Supply 'Satisfaction'
One of the best qualities of indie movies is that they're able to examine the questions Hollywood blockbusters are afraid to address. Questions like, "What would it look like if a shoe salesman inexplicably lit his hand on fire?" and, "How do you represent the anus-to-anus exchange of feces in an AIM conversation?" Writer, musician, multimedia artist, and occasional director Miranda July answered both in her You and Me and Everyone We Know (the answer to the latter was "))<>((", if you didn't know), and now she's announced plans to again collaborate with Film4 on a new film, Satisfaction, described as "a triangular love story about the elusive quest for satisfaction." We can only hope this love triangle means a stool-exchange threesome, back and forth, forever.
Film4 reunites with Miranda July for Satisfaction [Screen Daily]
May 21 2008'Earthworm Jim' Movie Announced, Only 14 Years After the Game
If your thumbs still wear the callused battle scars of the 16-bit revolution (god knows mine do), you surely remember the Earthworm Jim series. Notable for it's creative design (Professor Monkey-For-A-Head!), fluid gameplay (until the third one, at least), and the ability to wrench your own body out of a suit for use as a whip, the series and its characters ultimately fell out of the hands of their creator, Doug TenNapel, and into the plot of a poorly-animated WB series before fading to obscurity, left only in our hearts and save games.
Or so it seemed! Until Interplay, owners of the character, announced last month that they're back at work with TenNapel to develop a new video game, animated series, and feature film. Said TenNapel on his forum:
I've done a few new sketches and he's really fun, funny and just more solid as a character. I have a ten page feature script treatment that I just finished to get a look at the character...see what a feature might look like.I'm not going to say much more. I don't want EWJ to be all about talking up a character...I'm putting the goods down on paper. We'll give you updates over on the Interplay site and I'll probably start a blog to let all of the Jim fans in on the progress of the character, game, movie, etc.
I can only say that I really want to make him shine so you won't get some half-baked, heartless piece of crap made to exploit you for more money.
This seems good. Right?
Thanks to Julian for providing the unsubstantiated notion that led to me researching more.
May 21 2008Chuck Palahniuk's 'Choke' Poster
Part of the series "My collection of vintage '80s screwball comedy posters that were ruined by Frank Miller."
Choke Poster [IMPA]
May 20 2008Gyllenhaal, Arterton Join 'Prince of Persia', Because They're Both Clearly From That Region
After Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, Dead or Alive, Doom, Double Dragon, Hitman, House of the Dead, Dungeon Siege, Super Mario Bros., Mortal Kombat, Resident Evil, Street Fighter, Tomb Raider, and Wing Commander, you'd think it would be getting pretty hard to find respectable actors willing to risk their reputation on a video game adaptation. Yet, for whatever reason, Jake Gyllenhaal and Bond girl up-and-comer Gemma Arterton have reportedly been persuaded to star in Jerry Bruckheimer's Prince of Persia. I suspect the cacophony of cash register bells that went off when they heard how much they'd get paid played a large part in the decision, but we can pretend it was that the director of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Love in the Time of Cholera (also, Mona Lisa Smile) is at the helm, giving Prince a slight edge over the usual Uwe Boll fare.
I haven't played the Prince of Persia games, so could someone tell me if there's a legitimate reason why blatant caucasians are playing the roles of Persian royalty? Is it like The Love Guru, where it's explained early on that he's actually a white American raised there, and thus not the new Charlie Chan, or are we just using Alec Guinness in Lawrence of Arabia as a standard now?
May 20 2008Yet Another 'The Strangers' Poster, Stranger
The new The Stangers poster: giving you something to gesture at when you tell the ticket vendor, "I want to see that one with the bleeding, traumatized woman."
New Strangers poster! [JoBlo]
May 20 2008David Lynch Puts Some Still Warm Panties in His Mouth
As much as I try to keep abreast of developments from big-name directors, sometimes, despite my best efforts, things slip between the cracks. I missed that Frank Darabont will be directing Law Abiding Citizen with Gerard Butler in the lead; that Spielberg plans to return attention to his long-rumored Abraham Lincoln biopic once he finished work on Tintin; oh, and that David Lynch put a pair of a fan's still "very warm" panties in his mouth.
I find out the very day Lynch releases a video monologue complaining about the iPhone, but somehow no one thinks to send me the one where he shoves a girl's unmentionables in his mouth--even when it's been around long enough to be re-mixed with Twin Peaks music. (IT HAS.) Thanks for nothing, internet denizens.
Disturbing video below the cut.
Continue Reading "David Lynch Puts Some Still Warm Panties in His Mouth"
May 20 2008Boy, Things Sure Have Changed: Two Things That Have Changed
1. A few weeks ago, the rumor was that Jonah Hill was in talks for Transformers 2, likely playing LaBeouf's college roommate. Speaking to MTV, Hill has since confirmed the rumor, but says he decided to turn down the chance to co-star with CGI robot cars:
I just think like I have to prove myself more in what I’m doing now, making comedies and stuff before I do the big action movie or something, you know? I’m not proven yet. I’ve only been in one movie that people have seen that I’ve been the lead in so like, um, I could still suck in people’s minds, they don’t know yet!
So the official reason for Jonah Hill turning down Transformers 2 is "fear of sucking in people's minds." I imagine, upon hearing this rationale, Michael Bay had no idea what was being said.
2. Last week, when I said Arcade Fire was scoring Richard Kelly's The Box, I made a slight error: it turns out Arcade Fire is not scoring Richard Kelly's The Box. From lead singer Win Butler's blog:
Hi everyone. Just to let you all know that (internet-based fact checking aside) Arcade Fire is NOT doing the soundtrack to any film. We are all off for the summer, writing songs, reading books and keeping our plants alive. Regine, Owen Pallet and I may do an instrumental piece or two for Richard Kelly’s new movie…we met at a show this year and hit it off, but we are not planning on doing any major work for a while, and this would not constitute a soundtrack or a release.
Oops! I suppose I'll stop work on my "Arcade Sell-Outs!!!" sign.
May 20 2008'Hellboy II' Discarded Concept Art: Awful Dog Thing
At the New York Comic Con panel, when Guillermo Del Toro announced he'd be posting concept designs of a three-headed dog that had been cut from the film, I had foolishly pictured the animal as a traditional Cerberus--something with three distinct heads emerging from a single body. It had never occurred to me that it might be a far more grotesque creature--one with three wrinkled faces stretched across a single head, and a body equal parts Zuul from Ghostbusters, Popeye, and Britney Spears Birthing Monument. That's probably why I'm not a Hellboy II designer, and why I'm not haunted by constant nightmares. At least until now.
Yrdrig Concept Art [Official Site]
May 20 2008Baz Luhrmann's 'Australia' Trailer--Now With ACTUAL Aussies!
Set in northern Australia just prior to World War II, Baz Luhrmann's Australia (starring Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman)--like his prior work on Romeo + Juliet and Moulin Rouge!--looks like a visually rich, masterfully composed piece of cinematic artistry. Seldom is a trailer capable of portraying equal parts epic, romantic adventure and steak sauce commercial. This one does it.
Observe, under the cut.
Continue Reading "Baz Luhrmann's 'Australia' Trailer--Now With ACTUAL Aussies!"
May 19 2008UK 'Hellboy II' Character Banners Far More Disgusting Than Domestic
Words I might use to describe Hellboy II's Angel of Death if I were writing its personal ad:
- Fun
- Playful
- Smart
- Great personality
Words I would avoid:
- Large, boney, eyeless plate for a head; giant black wings covered in glassy eyes; generally repulsive appearance
- Begets death
Additional UK Hellboy II banners here.
May 19 2008George Lucas Threatens Us with 'Indiana Jones 5'
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull may not come out until Thursday, but renowned trilogy-diluter George Lucas already has already mentioned plans to see if he can stretch the straining whip of Indiana Jones just a little bit further. If you're like me, you heard this and immediately thought, "Alright, fine. I put up with three flaccid entries in the Star Wars series; I can live through a few more shameful continuations of beloved series. Just tell me you're not doing the 'Shia LaBeouf is the new Indy' thing everyone worried about. Give me that much." But, of course, he couldn't give me that much. Straight from the mouth of the bearded tube protruding from flannel:
I haven't even told Steven [Spielberg] or Harrison this, but I have an idea to make Shia [LaBeouf] the lead character next time and have Harrison come back like Sean Connery did in the last movie. I can see it working out.
You can see it working out, eh? What gives you that impression? The tepid reception Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is getting? The fact that having a non-Indiana Jones lead in an Indiana Jones movie would remove the single expectation fans foolishly assumed you could consistently meet? The gust you felt across your beard as Earth sighed? I'm going to let this go for now, and hope this is Lucas's idea of a joke. Unfortunately, having seen all the Star Wars films, I know it's impossible that he could be that funny.
May 19 2008'G.I. Joe' Set Shots: Snake Eyes Cares for the Environment
I suspect this scene is part of an after-the-credits recreation of those public service announcements that used to follow G.I. Joe cartoons. This one is probably about how Hummers and other large SUVs waste gas, and how you should tell your parents not to drive them lest Snake Eyes climb onto your in-motion vehicle, pull out a sword, and stab your mom and dad in the head.
Ray Park is Snake Eyes Sexy [Just Jared]
May 19 2008'Blackbeard' Pirate Movie Will Probably Have a Humorous MPAA Rating
With the recognition of Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day, the existence of ironic pirate tattoos and apparel, and pirate references often being confused with humor, I rank pirates alongside ninjas and robots as something that's fun in moderation (and Lego sets) but really obnoxious as a prominent cultural obsession. Now a movie about Blackbeard is in the works, and in a shocking change of heart, I've decided I might be able to forego my bitterness to give it a chance. Mostly because Barry Josephson--owner of a pirate museum and voted Most Likely to Become Mikey's Dad from The Goonies in high school--and the writer of Amistad and Gladiator are involved, and will likely ensure it's not a tongue-in-cheek wreck. From Variety:
DreamWorks is bringing a project on the life of legendary pirate Blackbeard to the bigscreen.David Franzoni, who wrote "Amistad" and "Gladiator" for the studio, will pen "Blackbeard," which delves into the life of British buccaneer Edward Teach.
Barry Josephson ("Enchanted") is producing alongside motivational speaker and former Philadelphia 76ers prexy/co-owner Pat Croce, who wrote "Pirate Soul," a book that chronicled the golden era of piracy, which spanned 1690-1730.
If LucasArts announces another Monkey Island video game, I will officially pronounce this Year of Me Not Hating Pirate Stuff That Much. At least until I realize how annoying it is that I've created a second pirate holiday.
Pirate pic sets sail at DreamWorks [Variety]
May 19 2008'Prince Caspian' Tops Box Office, Awaits SNL Parody Song
1. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - "And it shall make $56.6 million" - Matthew 4:17
2. Iron Man - With a third weekend of $31.2 million, it seems like everyone has gone to seen this thing. So I'm going to go ahead and give away the ending: Arnold Schwarzenegger wins the competition.
3. What Happens in Vegas... - I'm glad a $13.9 million weekend kept this in the top five with Prince Caspian; it greatly improves our chances of seeing a What Happens in Narnia... parody.
4. Speed Racer - Go, Speed Racer, go! Please, someone go. Signed, the Wachowskis. ($7.6 million)
5. Baby Mama - Holding on to the top five for a fourth week with $4.5 million, Baby Mama may be small but it refuses to go away. Just like an actual baby.
May 19 2008More 'Dark Knight' Stuff! Another Poster!
If this doesn't give maladjusted youths an excuse to wear long, greasy hair and a trenchcoat, I don't know what will.
New Joker Poster! [Batman on Film]
