May 16 2008Clooney to Stare at Goats in Hopes of Killing Them
I think we all have a goat or two we'd like to teach lesson or two. I know I'd personally love to murder a few of those idiot fainting goats--that'd show them. But there's always the one nagging problem in my plan: evidence! If only there were a way to kill the f***ers with only mind power!
According to author Jon Ronson, someone else had this same thought--namely, the U.S. Army--and began a series of "strange forays into extra-sensory perception and telepathy, which apparently included efforts to kill barnyard animals with nothing more than thought." Seeing the inherent potential in such an idiotic but supposedly true story, Peter Straughan wrote a screenplay from the book, Men Who Stare at Goats, and now George Clooney is set to star in a Grant Heslov-directed adaptation. The only deviation from the book will be that Clooney's death "stare" will be more of a playful wink and a charming grin.
George Clooney to 'Stare at Goats' [Variety]
May 16 2008'The Rocker' Poster Looks Strangely Shrutey, Apatowy
If the above, heavily-lipped, bespectacled child looks more than a little bit like Dwight Schrute of The Office, that's because it is. Just as Growing Pains opened with actual young shots of the cast under the crooning vocals of B.J. Thomas and Dusty Springfield, The Rocker has taken a young Rainn Wilson, heavily photoshopped him, adding glasses and a promotional tattoo, and made it a poster. So if you thought it was a poster for a Judd Apatow-produced comedy about a nerd that grows an enormous penis, you were dead wrong. That Michael Cera comedy doesn't come out for another year.
Young Rainn Wilson Rocks the Poster for 'The Rocker' [Cinematical]
May 16 2008'The Happening' R-Rated Trailer, Plus: A Scathing Review!
Collider has an early review of M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening, and from the sounds of it, it's come time we stop taking this guy's calls. Here's a sampling:
"The Happening" is a terrible, terrible movie. I mean, it's bad on an epic scale. It's so bad that I can't possibly tell you how bad it is without understating the point or making it sound like I'm picking on the film. But let me stress: this is not pent-up Shyamalan aggression or a desire to see him fail. This is bad in a jaw-dropping "they can't really be serious, can they?" kind of way.If you're dreading the Shyamalan trademark twist-ending, you can breathe a sigh of relief. There's no twist whatsoever. But there's also no ending. I won't ruin it any further by talking about what's not there, but prepare to feel very, very cheated and figure out in advance what consultation you can offer when the person next you confusedly asks, "Is that it?"
With Shyamalan's catalog getting increasingly disappointing with each new addition, it's getting even harder to defend him than it is to defend my everlasting love of Smashing Pumpkins. With both, it's just a lot of, "No, no, no, I know, I know. Yes, their last few were sort of questionable--ignore those. Shut up about Machina/Lady in the Water, OK? Just listen to/watch Mellon Collie/The Sixth Sense. Then you'll get it. What do you mean it doesn't seem all that great? Shut up. I guarantee if you were a teenager when you were exposed to this, you'd be loving it. Shut up. Just shut up."
Oh, and there's a new R-rated trailer under the cut. It proves strangely ineffective after reading that the film is "bad on an epic scale."
Continue Reading "'The Happening' R-Rated Trailer, Plus: A Scathing Review!"
May 16 2008'Punisher: War Zone' Poster - That's Still Around
With all the blockbuster comic book adaptations coming out this summer, it's easy to forget that there are some other, more negligible superhero movies coming up. Like Punisher, for instance--a character known for meticulously shooting his logo into metal surfaces. He possesses so many guns, yet isn't really a hillbilly. I can't wait to see how that paradox is resolved!
May 16 2008New 'Twilight' Staring Shots!
To all those Twilight fans who worried that Edward's numerous and varied stares had been completely exhausted in the teaser trailer, I bring good news. There are many more.
May 16 2008'Hellboy II' Poster News Flash: He's Apparently the Good Guy
Actually, I do believe he's the good guy. After seeing an entire movie based around this character, I was left utterly convinced he was, in fact, the good guy. And after seeing five Batman movies, I'm starting to get an inkling that this character dressed as a bat, however dark and brooding he may seem, may also be fighting on the side of good.
The New Hellboy II One-Sheet [Coming Soon]
May 16 2008'City of Ember' Trailer: Like 'Escape from New York' but Less Criminal Statey
The problem with American-made underground bunker cities is that the generators always seem to die after a couple hundred years. Unfortunately, it looks like it's about that time for Ember--a city whose only source of electricity comes from a failing hydroelectric unit--when a young girl finds a clock counting down to nothing. "What would count down to nothing?" she asks. "Sounds like doomsday." Or an egg timer. Now it's up to her, her friend, mayor Bill Murray, and Tim Robbins to find a way out. If you've seen Shawshank Redemption, you know this won't be an issue for Tim Robbins, so relax and enjoy this new trailer. (Thanks, Joe.)
Continue Reading "'City of Ember' Trailer: Like 'Escape from New York' but Less Criminal Statey"
May 15 2008I Just Solved the J.J. Abrams' 'Fringe' Posters
As any Lost fan will tell you, both the fun and the frustration of a J.J. Abrams production is that practically every image and symbol is full of hidden meaning. But these meanings can be difficult to decipher, and who has the time? Thus, as a public service, I've taken the time to figure out the cryptic clues hidden within the five new posters for Abrams' Fringe. You're welcome. (Thanks to TV Week for the images.)
Clue 1: (above) Count Rugen has left forensic evidence. Has he killed someone else's father? Hard to say just yet, but this image does support one of the theories behind Lost's four-toed foot statue: J.J. Abrams thinks adding or subtracting digits is crazy.
Continue Reading "I Just Solved the J.J. Abrams' 'Fringe' Posters"
May 15 2008'X-Files' Mannequins Walk Through White, Powdery Substance in New Poster
Gillian Anderson and Animated Wax Figure of David Duchovney promote The X-Files: I Want to Believe the only way that makes sense: yet another scene of trudging through some sort of tundra. Seriously, I get that they're searching for something in the snow. Every trailer and poster can stop alerting me to this.
May 15 2008'The Love Guru' Poster Too Annoying for Thorough Commentary
Dear god. Every time I make painful eye contact with anyone on this poster, it feels like they're shooting beams of pure obnoxiousness straight into my head. Except Jessica Alba, of course--her eyes are still as empty and lifeless as her performances. But she sure is pretty!
May 15 2008'Goosebumps' Coming to Big Screen, Scholastic Catalogs
For once you'll be able to get a Goosebumps tale without ordering it from a flimsy catalog at school and waiting a week: Columbia Pictures has acquired the rights to bring the young-adult series to theaters! Producers say the "time is ripe" to bring the books to screens, claiming there is a new generation just cracking open the uniquely rippled, literally-goosebumped covers, and that first generation fans are now in their 20s. I can't dispute the latter fact, but I do question the logic that having been exposed to Goosebumps a decade ago would somehow equate to wanting to now see the tame, kiddy version of Tales from the Crypt in theaters. I can honestly tell you a live-action Night of the Living Dummy is in no way appealing to me. And how could they top the Fox Kids television version?
The studio still has yet to announce which story will first be adapted, but with the series' propensity for long, mildly-scary buildups to laughable twist-endings, M. Night Shyamalan seems like the natural choice for directing.
Stine gives Columbia 'Goosebumps' [Variety]
May 15 2008'Point Break: Indo' Becoming Tragically More Real with Director Now Signed
To make a successful, gratifying sequel to any movie, you only really need two elements at work: the original screenwriter and a really kick-ass title. The planned sequel to 1991's Point Break, Point Break: Indo (nesia?) has both those things, so it will clearly be an amazing experience. Sure, some may say it's worrisome that it's been 17 years since the original. Or that we should be concerned that none of original cast or characters have been announced, and that the director of Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life is at the helm, and that the original Ex-Presidents gang is being replaced by a topical reference to the Bush Administration. These people clearly don't know what they're talking about, or haven't heard how kick-ass the title is. Hopefully when the tagline inevitably reveals that Point Break: Indo is "200% pure adrenaline," their apprehensions will be quelled.
May 14 2008OMG is Beast in 'X-Men Origins: Magneto'!?
Huge news about the Magneto origin movie... there might be another character from the X-Men universe in it! Crazy, right? The story goes like this: Someone from Latino Review was visiting Hellboy II's creature effects shop when they noticed a photo of a furry, blue gentleman with a tail. He was all like, "What's that?" And they were all like, "That's young Beast for the upcoming Magneto." And then the internet was all like, "WTF Beast doesn't have a tail! Maybe it's Nightcrawler! Is Beast in this? Everything is relevant!", thus temporarily distracting the internet until a new video of someone doing something funny could be created.
Personally, while I couldn't care less if Beast is in Magneto, I hope this doesn't mean they totally redesigned the character. I really liked the ridiculous Beethoven-meets-My Pet Monster Doll look Kelsey Grammer had.
Hank McCoy to Meet Magneto! [Latino Review]
May 14 2008'21 Jump Street' Movie Might Not Be the Serious Investigation of Youth Issues of the '80s You Hoped For
Though I don't personally know any, I assume there are 21 Jump Street fans still in existence. They probably have forums where they debate which season has the best public service announcements, when "Jump" jumped the shark (when Johnny Depp left, probably), and share photos of how they've spray-painted the title card on the side of their garage. And they're about to get pretty annoyed that Jonah Hill is in talks to write and possibly star in a film version of the '80s series--one that will likely be a less earnest take on the cops-who-pose-as-high-schoolers genre. I sympathize with you, Jump Fans, but being that I frequently confuse the show's title with St. Elsewhere and don't recall ever watching a full episode, I have to admit I'm sort of more excited about this take than I would be a genuine 21 Jump Street movie. Sorry.
Jonah Hill in negotiations to develop '21 Jump Street' Movie [EW]
May 14 2008Hasbro Now Officially Owns Your Entire Childhood
For too long the bigwigs down at TV-Loonland have kept their puffy, white-gloved hands clenched in tight, wacky fists around the Sunbow Cartoon library, keeping it from the rightful owners, the kindly old toymakers at Hasbro. No longer! Hasbro announced today that the company has reacquired the rights to the collection, allowing them access to such '80s classics as G.I. Joe, Transformers, My Little Pony, and yes, even Kanye West's favorite, Connect Four: The Series, which needs to immediately be released on DVD and copied to YouTube, so that I can see how a cartoon about lines of colored discs possibly worked without paying for it. I'm picturing sort of a Civil War military drama.
May 14 2008New 'Incredible Hulk' Trailer Emerges from Earth's Crust
When the new Hulk movie was announced, it was emphasized that this was a reboot of the franchise. Forget the Ang Lee Hulk; this is all new, by someone less respected than Ang Lee. So why is this new trailer stressing that this is the return of the "most powerful superhero on Earth," as if it's a sequel? And why is it so heavily-implied that Hulk is born of the Earth's crust? Is there a new, stupider origin story I don't know about? If I hadn't already bought the green body paint, I've be strongly reconsidering camping outside a theater in-costume for this.
Continue Reading "New 'Incredible Hulk' Trailer Emerges from Earth's Crust"
May 14 2008'The Strangers' Poster Provides the Motive
"Because you were home" seems like a pretty loose reason to kill. Here are some other nearly-as-arbitrary reasons the strangers might murder you:
- Because we live below you, and you were playing Dance Dance Revolution all night.
- Because you've been sitting on our Facebook friend request for like a week; as if you haven't been online.
- Because you didn't pick up your wiener poopie. You were warned.
- Because we had these masks sitting around, and we've had a few wine coolers.
- Because Scrubs was a rerun tonight, giving us an open half-hour.
- Because Jersey Girl was shit, Tyler.
- Rap music.
The Strangers Poster [IMPA]
May 13 2008Michael Moore: Sequel Documentarian, Probable Terrorist
I just read Michael Moore is planning a sequel to Fahrenheit 9/11, his 2004 documentary on the events of September 11. It got me thinking... what might this be about, since there was no sequel to 9/11. So what does he know that we don't? You just jumped right to the top of my terror alert list, Moore.
Michael Moore Making Fahrenheit 9/11 Sequel [Coming Soon]
May 13 20087 Surprising Things I Just Learned About Matthew McConaughey's 'Surfer, Dude'
1. It's not called Surfer Dude, as I previously thought; it's called Surfer, Dude. Like the surfer dude is addressing someone, presumably a dude, and saying "surfer" for some reason.
2. Matthew McConaughey is not just the Surfer, Dude star--he's also the Surfer, Dude producer.
3. Matthew McConaughey's production company is called "jklivin." Just Kiddin' Livin', maybe?
4. Surfer, Dude was directed by S.R. Bindler, director of the surprisingly entertaining hillbillies-in-a-truck-contest documentary Hands on a Hard Body. He's apparently one of the few lucky enough to be friends with Matty McC.
5. "'Surfer, Dude' is about a surfer who lives to surf," said producer Mark Gustawes. But then he also added, "Peace, love, and a righteous wave is what 'Surfer, Dude' is all about." Perhaps Surfer, Dude is about contradictions?
6. Anchor Bay has acquired Surfer, Dude, noting, "The acquisition of 'Surfer, Dude' underscores where this company is headed." Thus, Anchor Bay is heading into a bleak, tanned future.
7. Surfer, Dude producers announced they are "pleased to be working with Anchor Bay Entertainment on the release of 'Surfer, Dude.'" Surprising part: someone is pleased to be working on Surfer, Dude.
McConaughey's Surfer, Dude Coming Late Summer [Coming Soon]
May 13 2008'Fraggle Rock' to Stop Being Fond Memory, Become Sad Future
A Fraggle Rock movie is not inherently a bad idea. The characters are varied and lovable, it tells a fairly complex story of inter-species relationships, and there is definitely potential to make something that would attract both new fans and the old ones who had parents rich enough to afford HBO. Giving the property to the guy who made Hoodwinked though? Kind of a bad idea.
Oh, good, that's what happening:
The Weinstein Co. will turn the Jim Henson series "Fraggle Rock" into a live-action musical feature.Cory Edwards, who directed the animated "Hoodwinked!" for TWC, will helm the picture and write the screenplay. The Jim Henson Co. will produce and TWC will distribute.
Weinstein Company, you will be receiving a package soon. Inside, you will find what remaining memorabilia I've saved from my childhood. Because you (and almost every other studio, of course) have taught me nothing can or should be cherished, they are now your property, royalty-free. I trust you'll know what to do with them: give them to someone who will mercilessly destroy them. Maybe a pack of wild dogs? A wood chipper? The voice of Mike Myers? Whatever. It's up to you now. I only ask that you not remind me of them with talking CGI reproductions or too many unnecessary sequels to my blankie.
Weinsteins roll with 'Fraggle Rock' [Variety]
May 13 2008'Vicky Cristina Barcelona' Trailer: Woody Allen Does Sexy
Like a primetime soap opera nearing sweeps, Woody Allen's latest, Vicky Cristy Barcelona, is full of torrid affairs and girl-on-girl kissing, and he's not above exclusively promoting those aspects in the new trailer. Thankfully, unlike a primetime soap, you won't feel that pathetic watching since the people are actually notable good-lookers; namely, Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johansson, and Javier Bardem. Now the only hurdle standing between you and enjoyment is the thought of the leering, 72-year-old man behind the camera.
Continue Reading "'Vicky Cristina Barcelona' Trailer: Woody Allen Does Sexy"
May 13 2008Gervais's 'This Side of the Truth' Production Blog Still Entertaining
Ricky Gervais's This Side of the Truth production blog has quickly become the standard by which I'm judging all other production blogs (besides Aaron's uniquely retarded Street Fighter blog, of course). Focusing on his mock disrespect and Nerf gun assaults of his co-stars, Gervais has found a formula that is far more entertaining than the usual fare of storyboards and interviews with the costume department. In his latest video entry, he attacks Jason Bateman's bare ass with foam darts, then proceeds to remind us the Arrested Development actor is, first and foremost, Teen Wolf Too. If the finished film is anywhere near as entertaining, we're in for a treat.
'This Side of the Truth' Blog [Official Site]
May 13 2008Arcade Fire Scoring Richard Kelly's 'The Box'
As mentioned yesterday, Richard Kelly's cult hit Donnie Darko has managed to infect many a college campus movie night with its particular brand of "that shit's f***ed up, man." But that's not enough for him. How can he get to those few remaining hold-outs that "don't get it"? What to do about the dorm rooms that still prefer a Big Lebowski? (That's still big, right?) Kelly finally has the answer: get Arcade Fire to score his next film. Surely marrying those college chart toppers and more of his signature "f***ed up shit" will make his newest thriller the talk of the quad. It should also help that it's called The Box. You know what that means, braw.
Arcade Fire Scoring Donnie Darko Dude's New Movie [Pitchfork]
May 13 2008Audrey Tautou Still Adorable as Coco Chanel
How adorable is Audrey Tautou as a youngish Coco Chanel? Cuter than everything? Except for Amelie, yes---and I don't just say that because I have a strange, repressed, Reservoir Dogs fetish. It's because Audrey Tautou is cuteness in its pure, synthesized form: a raw rock of puppy that you also want to sleep with.
Tautou as Chanel [JoBlo]
May 13 2008The Octopus from 'The Spirit' Must be One of Two Things
Admittedly, I've never read Will Eisner's The Spirit, so someone will have to tell me: is Spirit's arch-nemesis The Octopus like a '70s pimp with Mickey Mouse's hands or an eccentric grandma who you pray will never pick you up from school? Whichever the case, hopefully he also acts exactly like Samuel L. Jackson, because I have a feeling that's what we're going to get.
Comic-Con Magazine Spring 2008 [Official Site]
May 12 2008New 'X-Files' Trailer, Starring Billy Connolly et al.
I really want to believe, but it's getting hard when every preview I see is just more of Billy Connolly running through snow. It feels more like a sequel to the Head of the Class Russian field trip than The X-Files. When fans have been waiting a decade for the reunion of Mulder and Scully, they want to see Mulder and Scully, not a sad reminder of ABC's I Love Saturday Night sitcom block. Anyway, here's the new trailer:
Continue Reading "New 'X-Files' Trailer, Starring Billy Connolly et al."
May 12 2008'Visioneers' Trailer: Why Have I Heard Nothing of This Until Now?
At first glance, this looks like a standard, American Beauty-esque average-guy-on-the-edge story set to a Jon Brion score. But then you notice it stars Zach Galifianakis and Judy Greer, deals with the issue of people spontaneously exploding, hints at possible George Washington past-life memories, and shows a covert breast grab and tons and tons of flick-offing, and you realize this might actually be everything you've ever wanted.
Continue Reading "'Visioneers' Trailer: Why Have I Heard Nothing of This Until Now?"
May 12 2008'Speed' Racer Unable to Defeat 'Iron Man' Despite Inspirational Theme Song
1. Iron Man - Neither Speed nor Kutch could topple this giant, which still managed a $50.5 million weekend. They must not know Iron Man's weakness: magic rings or something, maybe?
2. Speed Racer - $20.2 million, all to find out what it's like to be stabbed in the eyes with a rainbow.
3. What Happens in Vegas... - $20 million in ticket sales. If you went, please explain why, and detail any hilarious, on-set Kutch-pranks that may be revealed during the credits.
4. Made of Honor - $7.6 million, coming in just ahead of Grüm's Man.
5. Baby Mama - $5.8 million--enough to just buy several black market babies, effectively avoiding the need for a baby mama.
May 12 2008'Donnie Darko' Sequel Will Make for Disappointing Dorm Movie Night
Whenever I get a lot of emails on one subject, it inevitably means something surprisingly great or incredibly, tragically awful has happened. So when emails regarding a Donnie Darko sequel started rushing in, I assumed it was the prior: eager fans of the cult film alerting me to how excited I should be that Richard Kelly was returning to his single hit rather than attempting further Southland Tales. But as I looked closer at the emails, a sadder, angrier tone emerged. The subject wasn't "Donnie Darko 2!!!!", it was "Donnie Darko 2????" Another read, "Positive outcome unlikely."
What the hey? If college taught me anything, it's that everyone but me in college loved Donnie Darko, or at least pretended to so they wouldn't be accused of "not getting it." Surely there must be a reason for this sudden backlash against a sequel.
Hmm, let's take a look. It's called S. Darko, and it's about Donnie's sister. That makes sense, given that Donnie dies. They got the same actress to return to the role--always a good sign. Should be fine as long as they get a strong supporting cast like... a guy from Gossip Girl, someone from Step Up 2 the Streets, and the tall-haired fellow from Dragonball? All right, I guess that works, if Richard Kelly thinks he can pull it off with... Oh, Kelly isn't involved in any capacity? Well, so long as someone else with a similarly unique vision takes over, like... Chris Fisher, director of Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders and an episode of NBC's Chuck?
OK. This is doomed.
Donnie Darko Sequel [Screen Daily]
May 12 2008First Official, Tinted Look at Goku from 'Dragonball'
When a live-action adaptation of the fight-centric anime Dragonball was announced, there were some concerns. Was there enough hair product on real, non-anime Earth to support Goku's ridiculous coiffure? Would fans get too upset if the character's orange gi were replaced with a t-shirt with some Japanese characters on it, showing an Abercrombie-level understanding of Asian culture? Could computers still render simple glowing orbs? Make your own judgments.
Justin Chatwin as Goku [DBthemovie.com]
