Someone has, at long last, externalized the heterosexual male's deepest and most torturous emotional conflict: who would we rather do, Natalie Portman or Scarlett Johansson? Set in gorgeous 16th-century England, The Boyleyn Girl features a powerful performance from the talented Eric Bana as King Henry VIII that brings a nuanced reality to the absurd fantasy we've played out in our mind so many times.
On the one hand, Natalie Portman perhaps has the more striking features, and a delicately slim body that recalls the not-quite-matured girls of junior high, lusted for but never quite attained. One gets the impression that, on a particularly passion-filled night with the Garden State beauty, she may be broken along with the bed. But is that not part of her appeal?
But after one look at the ample bosom of the curvaceous Scarlett Johansson, our darling Natalie begins to look immature, even boyish. Like a ripe peach, ScarJo has blossomed into a soft and desirable woman. Who, after seeing the first shot of Lost in Translation, did not whisper to themselves the need to "get up inside them panties?"
With such tempting options before him, how is Eric Bana to choose? Is that even the plot? I sort of stopped paying attention when my mind asked the question, "What about both, at the same time?"