Jul 31 2007Whiteout Poster ComicCon Exclusive
For once Hollywood has realized that an original Frank Miller design might be better than whatever crappy mosaic of stars' faces they can cook up, so they've gone with the original graphic novel cover design for the Whiteout poster. The only real difference between designs is that Miller's protagonist shows the face of a strong, courageous woman, whereas Beckinsale has gone with an expression that screams, "Ut-oh, Rosie the Riveter! What kind of mess has empowerment got me in this time!?"
If you're wondering what Whiteout is about, you can read the entire first issue of the comic here, you lucky dog.
Jul 31 2007Iron Man ComicCon Footage
Jon Favreau screened a trailer for Iron Man at ComicCon this last weekend, providing a peek at the first real footage of the film. Luckily, as seen above, the power of shoddy bootlegging has brought the clip to those of us who refuse to kowtow to convention exclusivity.
The early parts of the trailer, though fairly entertaining, made me worry that there will be too much exposition and patriotism, but the later parts had me forgiving all of that once the giant iron suit started shooting giant fireballs, particularly at the end when we get to the switch from dingy iron suit to classic red & gold. Not since Short Circuit 2 has a change in metallic luster had me so excited.
Thanks for the tip, MajorKnuckles, and thank your troops as well.
Jul 31 2007Tom Snyder Dies at 71
In further depressing news since yesterday's death of Ingmar Bergman, it's been announced that television personality Tom Snyder died Sunday in his San Francisco home due to complications with leukemia. Though as an adolescent I referred to him as "the guy with the eyebrows" that cued me when it was time to switch to Conan, I had since learned to appreciate the uniquely conversational interview style he used on Tomorrow and The Late Late Show. Smoking cigarettes in extreme close-up will never be done so well again.
Jul 30 200730 Days of Night red-band trailer
Sony Pictures has put up the red band trailer for 30 Days of Night as well as an exclusive scene from the film after the trailer. I wasn't too impressed by the graphic novel but the movie looks like it has potential. If anything because there's vampires, blood, and, wait for it, a little vampire girl getting her head smashed in with an axe. Although the editing and camera work is pretty typical of horror films; ie. less than spectacular. It's like the director said, "You know what, let's not try to capture the action on film. Let's just shake the camera around really hard, throw in some screaming, and then we'll cut to a shot of a dead person covered in blood."
You can check out the red band trailer here, and a bunch of screen shots from the trailer after the jump.
NOTE: There's an age-verification but it's extremely flawed (I'm over 21 but couldn't get access) so if you have trouble accessing it you can use the info of the MPAA president, Dan Glickman:
Name: Daniel Glickman
Birth date: 11/24/44
Zip Code: 20016
Jul 30 2007Ingmar Bergman Dies at 89
One of cinema's most legendary and innovative directors, Ingmar Bergman, died peacefully today at 89, leading many witty film intellects to observe that he finally lost his chess game with death. Nominated for nine Oscars between 1960 and 1984, he stood as one of Sweden's most famous and valued figures alongside Björn Borg, Ikea, and their small gummy fish. Sadly, with his death he takes along the possibility of his long-rumored sequel to an '80s summer camp hit, Swedish Meatballs.
Jul 30 2007Resident Evil: Extinction Red-Band Trailer
WARNING: while watching this gore-filled red-band trailer, don't get caught up in the zombie ravaging and start thinking it's going to be something good beyond that. The name "Resident Evil" attached to it guarantees this will be mostly, if not entirely, stupid.
Jul 30 2007New Hulk Concept Image
This piece of concept art for the new Hulk with Edward Norton was unveiled at ComicCon this last weekend, showing a somewhat darker direction for the character. My only complaint is that they had to show it to the ComicCon crowd, where Lou Ferrigno was surely charging for autographed pictures in some back corner. It's his one time of the year to receive any amount of positive recognition, and they had to go and remind him that each coming Hulk film pushes his old role further into cultural obscurity. Soon he'll less of a former Hulk, more of just a muscular freak with the occasional stint on King of Queens.
Jul 30 2007International Beowulf Trailer
This international trailer for Robert Zemeckis's Beowulf still features essentially the same creepy shots of too-realistic-for-anyone's-good CGI characters, and you'll still be left wondering what the point was of creating such realistic versions of the voice actors instead of just using them as actors, but it does carry one advantage: a mostly naked Angelina Jolie. I mean, she's really only about as naked as Mystique from X-Men, and of course it's the aforementioned disturbingly-realistic-but-not-quite-right version of Angelina Jolie, not flesh and blood, but it's still better than the crumpled JC Penney lingerie ad wedged between your mattress and box spring.
Jul 27 2007'War' Clip
Lionsgate via comingsoon.net has this exclusive clip from War, the Jason Statham and Jet Li punch/kick/bang fest. Unfortunately, there aren't any martial arts in it, so it's basically a punch-free few minutes of bad acting. It's basically the action movie equivalent of watching a soft-core porn flick on USA.
Jul 27 2007A Bunch of Dark Knight Stuff
With the launch of another new viral marketing site by Warner Bros, supposedly made by The Joker, and more being done at ComicCon, new Dark Knight stuff has been flooding in.
You can apparently get an official HD copy of the already-leaked teaser trailer here, and there are more images and promo materials here. As a warning, I haven't finished downloading the trailer yet, so don't blame me if it's just more chipmunks eating poop.
Jul 27 2007Star Trek XI Poster Revealed!
Hot diggity--the new Star Trek poster has been unveiled! It's, um, the words. The words "Star Trek." The title, essentially. And there's some stars. One of the stars might be the one referred to in the title. Which is "Star Trek." As seen on this exciting new poster. For Star Trek.
Jul 27 2007Tim Blake Nelson Leads Hulk
Hulk villain The Leader demands a payback blowjob in five minutes.
Typically hillbilly-style character actor Tim Blake Nelson reportedly has a part in the new Hulk film as scientist-turned-villain Samuel Stearns. Like Hulk, Stearns is bombarded with gamma radiation that turns his skin green and grants him super intelligence at the cost of a phallic head. I'll reserve my judgment and trust they find a way to rationalize the super-genius villain having the voice of Goofy. Maybe if, when defeated, he throws his hat on the ground and shouts things like "Tarnation!" and "Dag-nabbit!" I'll accept it.
Jul 27 2007First Stills from The Eye
Bloody Disgusting got the first shots of Jessica Alba in yet another Japanese Asian horror remake, The Eye. While a woman screaming into an oven is probably one of the weakest, and possibly most misogynistic, images they could show, I'm grateful it's not some ghastly pale kid in mascara like I assume will be in every one of these remakes.
The Eye tells the story of a woman (Alba) that finds she can see into a supernatural world after receiving an eye transplant. She should be lucky she didn't get Jerry Orbach's eyes, which, of course, allow one to see wisecracks through crime scenes.
One more under the cut.
Jul 27 2007Drillbit Taylor Trailer
A script by Seth Rogen about three high school nerds paying a homeless man (Owen Wilson) to be their bodyguard seems like it would be can't miss comedy gold, but from the trailer I worry they really haven't made this Drillbit character quite "homeless" enough (by which I mean filthy and crazy). When I'm told I'm getting a hobo, I expect screaming, misery, and the general madness common of the street people. You know you haven't made a good hobo character when both Nick Nolte and The Boxcar Children are better vagrants.
Jul 27 2007Sweeney Todd Poster
Thanks to the wonder of ComicCon exclusives, Tim Burton's film adaptation of the Sweeney Todd musical now has a poster, and it's filled with more brooding than Morrissey listening to a Cure album.
If the use of a sole red object amidst a black and white scene reminds you of that girl with the red coat from Schindler's List, it's for a reason: after she was killed, she was made into this chair.
Jul 27 2007Flaming Cowboys: 3:10 to Yuma Clip
IESB's got an exclusive clip from 3:10 to Yuma. I'm not sure if I would have cast Ben Foster, the gay mutant from X3, as a badass cowboy who wears half-finger gloves, and I'm still not sure I'll buy him in the role.
But I'll tell you one thing, I'm definitely excited for an Elmore Leonard adaptation that doesn't involve the Rock playing a gay hitman.
Jul 27 2007Alvin and the Chipmunks' Hilarious Trailer!
I found this Alvin and the Chipmunks teaser trailer over on Cinematical, where the writer had this to say:
Alviiiiin! Ah, there's just something about seeing Alvin, Simon and Theodore sing Funkytown that just brings me back to my childhood, sitting at home with nothing else to do but watch those old Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoons. The first trailer for the new, updated version of Alvin and Chipmunks has just arrived over on Moviefone and -- I dunno -- it made me chuckle. Then again, I'm a sucker for these damn chipmunks.
Awesome, so seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks reminds you of your childhood... during which you also spent time seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks. It was nice of you to spell that out for us, I'm not sure if we'd have made the jump otherwise... Did your childhood also include getting hammered through your umbilical cord (btw, this is the most subtle fetal alcohol syndrome joke I will ever write)? I'm guessing business relationships over there require him to write that, because otherwise... wow.
Personally, I get the same feeling from the teaser as I do the poster: file this one under Garfield, Scooby Doo, Fat Albert, and the Darfur massacre.
Jul 27 2007Comic Con is Haute
Nacho cheese being the color that it is, you can never have too many t-shirts!
Looking to impress the ladies down at your favorite Hollywood hotspot? You'll be down right irresistible in this Star Trek t-shirt, the summer's hottest accessory!
In case you've never been to Comic Con, it involves bored-looking, criminally underdressed Hooters waitresses and semi-employed model/actresses passing out t-shirts like the one you see above while trying not to look repulsed by guys like this and this and this. There, I just saved you $50.
If you're in San Diego in July, I recommend the beach. There are just as many hot girls in skimpy outfits, and some of them are even underage!
Jul 26 2007Dark Knight Trailer is Hella Blurry
Here's an awful bootleg of the Dark Knight teaser trailer. You'll probably be all pissed at the crappy quality until you realize it's just sound over a Batman logo anyway. Supposedly it's going to play in front of the Simpsons movie tomorrow. HOLY CRAP I CAN'T CONTAIN MY BOUNDLESS EXCITEMENT! :-0 :-0 :-0
Jul 26 2007Cloverfield teaser poster
The teaser poster for J.J. Abrams' secret project Cloverfield has been released, although a leaked version originally had the word 'monsterous' across the top which has been mysteriously left out. The film still doesn't have a title, but sources have confirmed (contrary to speculation on the internet) that the monster isn't a parasite and isn't a giant robot (like Voltron). Which basically leaves Godzilla. Or aliens. Or my aunt Ruth. I'd go with Ruth, but I don't think the world is ready for a movie that scary. Put on a bra!
Jul 26 2007New Iron Man Image
Empire magazine has an exclusive new shot of Iron Man on the cover of their latest issue. I just wish they covered it up with more text, because I can almost tell what the hell I'm looking at. He's definitely angry and definitely beating up the ground. That much is certain.
Jul 26 2007Beowulf Trailer Makes Me Feel Old
The light emanating from my crotch is both intense and celestial. Bask in it, Angelina. BASK FOR ALL YOU'RE WORTH!
As you may have already inferred from the title of this post or your clairvoyant turtle, the trailer for Beowulf is now online.
I know Zemeckis totally has a boner for this live actiony animation stuff, probably because he's getting too lazy to properly film shit in his old age, but much as I try to keep an open mind, I hate it. It's not real enough to make me think I'm looking at real people, and it's not stylized enough to look cool as animation. Why the hell do I want to watch something drawn by people who aren't good enough to draw it freehand? "Hey, look what I drew on this tracing paper!" "Good job, that looks almost exactly like Garfield, and you managed not to eat the crayon this time."
It just looks like one of those stupid computer games where your little character walks around town and you start killing everybody because they're not real and watching them die is the only thing that's interesting. But then you can't make it to the next level because the object of the game was to make their crops grow and instead you brutally slaughtered them. I think Mao had the same problem.
Jul 26 2007Domestic Dragon Wars Trailer Not as Much Fun
The domestic trailer for D-War/Dragon Wars (jeez, pick a title, guys) is out, and I have to admit that it's not nearly as intriguing as the teaser I posted a few months ago. On the plus side, it does have the bouncer guy from Knocked Up.
God, CGI has really ruined the B-movie, hasn't it? Remember when bad movies would have to use prosthetics, makeup, and goofy costumes, and have to shoot the scenes in creative ways to disguise their low budget and lack of locations? Not anymore! Thanks to the magic of computers, every crappy movie can have big city backdrops and video game-looking bad guys! Jeez guys, just 'cause you can doesn't mean you should. But then I guess asking B-movie makers to have taste and restraint is like asking Anne Hathaway not to have fantasies about me.
Jul 26 2007Guy Ritchie - The Gamekeeper
Guy Ritchie had a hell of a time trying to get that "Madonna taste" out of his mouth
Guy Ritchie has signed on to direct a film version of his Virgin comic series The Gamekeeper.
Project revolves around the reclusive caretaker of a Scottish estate with infinite knowledge of the behaviors of all animal species. When the alleged killer of his son surfaces, the caretaker finds that Europe's urban jungle is not so unlike that of the natural landscape to which he's accustomed.
Macguyver meets Mean Girls, anyone? Ritchie is also directing Rocknrolla, a movie he wrote himself, later this year. He's hoping he can make the world forget about Swept Away. No word on whether Madonna is still doing that ridiculous English accent.
Jul 25 2007RIP, 'Lives of Others' Dude
Ulrich Muhe, star of The Lives of Others (Das Leben der Anderen), is dead of stomach cancer today at the age of 54. It's a bummer, because I thought he gave one of the best performances in one of the best movies of last year.
On the plus side, at least he went out on top - starring in an Oscar-winning, bona-fide hit. Poor Raul Julia, his last film was Street Fighter. They even dedicated it to him. What a crappy epitaph. Let this be a lesson to you, Cuba Gooding.
Jul 25 2007Homer Does Monologue, Schneider Does Lohan
"What? No, I'm not making bad topical jokes about the astronaut from two months ago and catholic priests, I'm pretending to be Lindsay Lohan! Because she totally does that! Get it? I'm an actor."
It was brave of him to play Lindsay Lohan as a hacky, old school comic, not a lot of people would've take that risk. By the way, anyone else notice that even with platform shoes on, Schneider's still a head shorter than Jay Leno? Is he like 4' 11"?
Continue Reading "Homer Does Monologue, Schneider Does Lohan"
Jul 25 2007Michael Moore Hates Homos. Er, HMOs
Michael Moore was on Hardball the other day, and, surprise surprise, he wore a hat. He also had some interesting advice for people having trouble with their health insurance providers:
MATTHEWS: If they're right now having a problem with their HMO, and they're not getting treatment for something they think is important, is it best to call their congressperson? What do they do to make sure the kind of thing that happened in your movie happens to them?
MOORE: Actually, what I tell people is, if you're having trouble right now with your insurance company, and they won't pay for something, go ahead and use my name, just say...
MATTHEWS: Say Michael Moore has been talking to me?
MOORE: Say that I'm coming, that you have talked to me personally. You have my permission to do that. In fact, at the end of this week, on my Web site, I'm going have a little like Sicko insurance card you can download, print it out, laminate it, and take it in and say that you're now part of my team, and that we're going to put you on the DVD if you don't help my child. And, so, I give blanket permission to anybody who wants to do that. Carry your Sicko card with you. And, actually, I got this idea because a number of people have already gone ahead and done it.
MATTHEWS: The guy did it in the movie.
MOORE: He did it in the movie.
MATTHEWS: Yes. Without your permission.
MOORE: And he just said, 'Michael Moore is coming'. I never met the guy. The guy just went ahead and said, 'Michael Moore is doing this film.' And, like a week later, the insurance company said, 'OK, we will pay for your daughter's ear operation.'
MATTHEWS: God, there's nothing like a little blackmail. (LAUGHTER)
I offer a similar service to anyone who's in an argument with someone who likes Entourage. They'll be all like, "But dude, it's got hot chicks on it and it's hella tight!" Instead of trying to argue with them, just hand them a card with my picture on it and say "Watch your back, motherf***er." Then let me know where they live and I will take a dump on their lawn.
Jul 25 2007Alex Proyas Vis a Vis Silver Surfer
"Robert Patrick? Yeah, big-time queer. What? No, that's just what I heard."
An MSN article that interviewed Marvel head Avi Arad included the following tidbit:
“He declined to say the director's name, but there has been speculation Australian director Alex Proyas was being wooed to direct the film adaptation of another Arad project, Silver Surfer.”
Naturally, nerds are all abuzz about it; whether Silver Surfer deserves a spinoff, whether the guy who did Dark City and The Crow jumped the shark with I Robot, etc. Anyway, "there has been speculation" sounds a lot like "I got stoned last night and thought it might be cool if" to me, so while you dorks chew all this over, I'm going to enjoy a clip from the Simpson's where they go to Australia.
Jul 25 20073:10 to Yuma Poster
For those of us for whom it's been far too long without seeing Russell Crowe's ass, here's the 3:10 to Yuma poster (larger version here). Or maybe it's Christian Bale's ass. Heck, it could be a stunt ass. Look, all I know is it's a sexy cowboy with his back to me and I have a boner.
Jul 24 2007Norbit Director to Rock Jailhouse
"Look, kid: big-time acting isn't about 'feelings' or 'emotions', it's about funny costumes and talking loud. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a shave."
Not content to rest on his laurels (what the hell is a laurel, anyway? Is it like a butt cheek? How come you never hear anyone say, 'Hey, check out the laurels on that broad,' or, 'Golly, I'd sure like to get all up in them laurels,'?) after directing Norbit and producing Wild Hogs, Brian Robbins has signed on to direct Jailhouse Rock, a true story based on "a musician-turned-detention officer at Arizona's Tent City who decides to hold an American Idol-type singing contest at the jail. Called Inmate Idle Singing Con-Test, the event became so popular that Alice Cooper himself showed up to judge the finals."
It's a Disney flick, so expect less forced dry anal and more Cuba Gooding (who's as charming as forced dry anal, coincidentally). But perhaps I should go easier on the B-man. He recently shot back at his critics:
He cannot -- for the life of him -- understand how a film like Norbit could score so well with audiences, yet be universally panned by critics. He says, "How do you figure that? Is the audience that stupid? Is America's taste that bad? I don't think so."
To answer his rhetorical question, yes, the audience is that stupid, and yes, America's taste is that bad. Has he never been to the YouTube comments section? As my friend Bret says, "It's like the internet is passing the microphone around at a global retard convention. 'And you, sir. Yes, the gentleman in the back without pants or a chin. Could you elucidate your feelings about a dozen topics you don't know shit about? And please, use as little punctuation as possible. Thank you.'"
So, yeah. Jailhouse Rock! Get excited!
Jul 24 2007Zachary Quinto Looking Like Spock
Zachary Quinto, star of NBC hit Heroes, is reportedly in final negotiations to play the legendary Mr. Spock in J.J. Abrams' Star Trek XI prequel. Obviously the look is amazing, but what's bizarre to me is that I first saw this as some internet fan's good idea with accompanying photoshop job a week or two ago. Does this mean that the internet's idiotic photo manipulations finally being willed into reality? It can only be a matter of time before we're faced with millions of middle-aged guy heads on young, muscular bodies, celebrities with pixelated semen dripping from their mouths, and, perhaps most terrifying, cats literally laughing out loud.
Jul 24 2007Drew Carey to Host Price is Right
Last night on The Late Show, Drew Carey announced he will be the new host of The Price is Right, taking over for Bob Barker. Now, I think they could have found a much better or much worse replacement for the recently retired host, but my main issue is just that they're continuing the show at all. I mean, really, what's the point? It's not like PiR is actually some great, revolutionary game show idea. Watching the hour-long show, like a visit to a dying grandpa, was done out of a sense of duty, nostalgia, and mild amusement with the outdated decor. You can't get rid of grandpa and expect me to keep visiting his house, even if he's been replaced with a younger, slightly funnier grandpa with thick glasses.
Question of the day: Will anyone be willing to run up and kiss Drew Carey?*
*including family members.
Jul 24 2007Paula Abdul Out of Bratz, Her Mind
You've probably already seen this clip by now, but it was just too good to pass up. I've never watched the Paula Abdul reality show, but after this clip I may start. I need more reasons to hate life and there aren't any Kinko's nearby.
So apparently Paula Abdul's been fired from the Bratz movie. I was confused as to why they'd fire their biggest fan, but then I realized they meant the Bratz movie, not the Brätz movie. Anyway, she loses it completely. "Where's God when you need him?" She asks.
She's so right: how could you let this happen, oh Lord? Were you out carelessly preventing genocide, or the rape of a starving child? You obviously dropped the ball. I mean come on, this is the BRATZ MOVIE we're talking about here.
Jul 24 2007Darjeeling Limited Trailer
After long last, the much-anticipated Darjeeling Limited trailer is now online. Hopes I have for this movie:
1. That it wasn't just an excuse for Wes Anderson to play grab ass in India for three months. Seriously, dude loves India.
2. That it will give Adrien Brody something cool to be known for besides making out with Halle Berry.
3. That Jason Schwartzman's performance will further postpone me hating him for being a Coppola.
4. That if it turns out to be really good it won't become a hipster phenomenon and thus force me to hate something I love.
5. Maybe the dick in the popcorn trick will finally pay off? Thankfully, elementary school girls keep getting gullibler.
Jul 23 2007More Watchmen Casting News
With an official announcement rumored for ComicCon in less than a week, the cast for Zack Snyder's Watchmen is an issue ripe with rumor. Now two more names have surfaced for roles in the film, with news that Matthew Goode will play Ozymandias, while Malin Akerman has nabbed the role of Silk Spectre. I'd never heard of either of them until this news, but I will say I like how the limited budget is forcing more unknowns into the roles. Also, I will say that Matthew Goode seems to be more neck than man.
Jul 23 2007Iron Man's Hand Thingy
This EW exclusive shot of Tony Stark's hand armor thing reveals on of Iron Man's biggest weaknesses: aside from his rampant alcoholism, he's often far too serious about "giving it up." Granted, it's warranted when you've just defeated a supervillain, but this guy thinks an exceptional burp deserves a high five.
Jul 23 2007Stephen Chow to Play Kato?
The blogosphere (read "nerds") is up in arms about the news that Seth Rogen wants Stephen Chow to play Kato in the new Green Hornet movie he's writing.
Stephen Chow is both Asian and does kung fu, so I don't know what people are whining about.
Jul 23 2007Superbad Clips
IESB posted six new clips from Superbad this morning. So, you know, if you're into that whole thing...
Personally, I plan on actually seeing this movie, so I won't be watching any of these clips. To me, that'd be kinda like picking the toppings off a pizza before you even put it in the oven. I mean, sure it tastes good, but you know you just totally screwed over your future self. Anyway, if you're keeping score at home, that's Similes: 1, Exclusive Clips: 0.
Jul 23 2007This is England Director Has Skinhead Experience
This looks like the opening shot of one of those Saturday morning commercials, before Yahtzee/Super Soaker/Jenga/Action Man comes along and changes everyones' lives
A while back, I brought you the trailer for This is England, where Tommy from Snatch plays the head skinhead.
Anyway, the New York Times has an interview with Shane Meadows, the director, in which he talks about the movies and some of his own experiences as a skinhead.
“I never made it clear I was a skinhead before because I’d been to National Front meetings, and because of what happened at the end. But to understand your darker side, you have to dance around the fire. As a filmmaker I don’t shy away from showing the truth, and I don’t think I did as a kid. Although I was misguided at times, I respect the fact that I was searching for something.”
I guess it helps to actually know what skinheads do if you're going to make a skinhead movie. In the skinhead movie I wrote, the characters mostly ride horses and drink soda. I should've hired a consultant.
Jul 23 2007Trick 'r Treat Trailer
X2 and Superman Returns scribe Michael Dougherty has put together what looks to be a promising return-to-form for the horror genre with his directorial debut, Trick 'r Treat. With this and Rob Zombie's Halloween heading our way this October, it would seem studios are trying to create some sort of spooky theme based in the fall for some reason.
Jul 23 2007Crap Rules Box Office, Travolta Rules My Nightmares
Despite a heavy-handed marketing effort, Hairspray couldn't compete with worse-reviewed Chuck & Larry or Harry Potter.
If people are looking for a reason why, they need look no further than the picture of John Travolta in drag above. I don't care how good you tell me this movie is, that is the scariest thing I've ever seen. I had a nightmare that I was buried alive inside a coffin with the re-animated corpse of Tammie Faye and it was less scary than that (too soon?).
I would rather see Knüt the polar bear get electrocuted to death by Michael Vick than see two hours of John Travolta in drag. I would rather fall asleep with Shia LaBeouf gently nibbling my earlobe than see this movie. Okay, maybe that last one's not such a good example, but still man, like, creepy.
Jul 23 2007Pulow to Play Punisher, Punisher Greenlighters Go Unpunished
A listful Stevenson had hoped to one day be famous enough for this to be considered career suicide
The internets are now reporting that Thomas Jane's replacement in Punisher 2 will be Ray Stevenson, better known as Titus Pulow from Rome. I have to admit, this is probably the best casting since Forrest Whitaker as Idi Amin or Morgan Freeman as Mandela. Titus Pulow was the only character on Rome arguably more gangsta than Marc Antony.
Still, Punisher 2? Really? Couldn't we just have a Rome movie instead? They've already made two horrible Punisher movies, they shouldn't get another chance. Even Taco Bell fires you after you make your second or third Puberrito (and no, Mrs. Lindeleaf, I'm not sorry. Now who's 'acting inappropriate'? Bitch.).
Jul 23 2007Troll Suspicions Confirmed
Last week I brought you news of a Troll remake. This is what I said:
Well, first they'd replace the random B-listers like Sonny Bono, and the troll would probably end up being played by Eva Longoria. Then they'd take out the awesome lo-fi effects and replace it with CGI. And instead of something disturbing and hilarious, you'll get a mediocre video game.
Now comes the official press release regarding the remake:
Buechler has signed on to remake his cult classic film, which they hope will also launch a new animated television series and line of toys. The new film will likely be more family friendly, and done on a much larger scale with digital effects. The producers claim they are in talks with some “major A list talent”, and that director Buechler would also like to reunite the cast in cameo roles.
Kneel before me, I can predict the future! I'm like a God that doesn't judge you for masturbating!
Jul 20 2007The State Finally Coming to DVD
After over ten years of my unrequested, drunken quoting of lines from The State, my friends who didn't have cable as kids will finally know what I'm talking about when the MTV sketch comedy show comes to DVD. What those friends don't realize is that, while it's true they'll at least be clued in on the jokes, it will not deter my drunken ramblings, after which I'll then surely want to show them my favorite clips from the five-disc set, forgetting that I already had earlier in the night.
Unfortunately there's not yet a release date, so I'll still be shouting "I wanna dip my balls in it" with no apparent explanation for some time to come.
Jul 20 2007Ridley Scott to Direct Vampire Movie
Adrian Grenier looks way different in person
If you ask me, vampire movies jumped the shark right around the time Queen of the Damned came out. Apparently, Ridley Scott disagrees and will be directing a screen adaptation of the incomplete manuscript The Passage (seriously? we're optioning movie adaptations of books that haven't even been published yet?).
[The Passage] is a postapocalyptic vampire story set in 2016. The dark tale revolves around a U.S. government project gone awry that turn a group of experimental subjects -- condemned inmates plucked from death row -- into highly infectious vampires. Meanwhile, an orphan named Amy discovers that she has unusual powers, seemingly related to the crisis that quickly overtakes civilized society.
Wow, a main character with a special power destined to save humanity? There's a story that's never been told before. It's sort of like Star Wars meets the Matrix meets Harry Potter meets every science fiction movie ever made. Guess what, A-holes? YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL. I promise.
They should just make an Entourage movie. Now there's an original vampire story. Hollywood, devoid of new ideas and having sold its soul to the devil, lives in a perpetual state of living death and has to suck its own penis for nourishment. You think I'm kidding? Let E try to stand in direct sunlight and let's see what happens.
Jul 20 2007Gavin Hood to Direct Wolverine
Gavin had mixed feelings; he'd never before won an award and passed a kidney stone on the same day.
Gavin Hood has been announced as the director of Wolverine, the X-Men spinoff starring Hugh Jackman. Hood is a dirty South African best known for writing and directing Tsotsi. I haven't seen Tsotsi, so I can't really speak to his competence as a director, but I do know that Afrikaans sounds really silly.
X-Men 3 director Brett Ratner was originally attached to the project, but split with producers after insisting Wolverine be played by Chris Tucker. I also saw him kick a pigeon once. True story.
Jul 20 2007Seth Rogen Takes Green Hornet
Columbia Pictures appears to have a lot of faith in Seth Rogen since the success of Knocked Up: according to Variety, they've just given him writing/acting duty on the long-discussed Green Hornet project. Once rumored as a vehicle for typically-handsome leads George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg and Jake Gyllenhaal, the dashing masked millionaire is now apparently more of an awkward, chubby guy with curly hair.
Don't get me wrong, I like Seth Rogen, but I'm not sure a classic character like Green Hornet should necessarily be more out of shape than I am. If we don't maintain Green Hornet's serious role as a monument to handsome white male superiority over lesser races we use as personal man servants, we'll only have Fantasy Island and a handful of other examples.
Jul 20 2007Darjeeling Limited Poster
With the deliberate photography, quirky props and costumes, fine attention to detail, and three distinctive noses, it must be the poster to Wes Anderson's The Darjeeling Limited. I could pretend I'm not completely enamored with this, but then I worry no one will send me tickets to the New York Film Festival (Darjeeling is opening it), which I'm fairly certain will happen if I keep waiting patiently.
Supposedly the trailer will be attached to Once and Sunshine this weekend, so I'll have to head out to Sunshine, since I'm slightly more of a nerd than a wuss.
Jul 19 2007The Coreys Are Still Acting
In a clip faker than a hooker's orgasm (though the crying is usually genuine), Corey Feldman tells Corey Haim about the Lost Boys sequel and that he's not going to be in it. If it were anyone else, I'd say "Buck up, kid, you dodged a bullet on this one, trust me." But even a crappy, direct-to-DVD movie directed by a guy named "PJ" is better than playing on a Casio keyboard and listfully staring out the window.
No word on whether the Sax Man will be back for part 2. I'd rent it for that.
Jul 19 2007Emmies Nominate Stuff, Continue to Suck
Ugh, shouldn't have watched that second episode of Two and a Half Men
The Emmy nominations came out today, and the first nom for best comedy series is Entourage. I think that really says it all. That tool carnival full of Hollywood smelling its own farts makes me urinate pus. The Emmy statue should just be a cherub with dysentery vomiting from the eyes.
On another note, this is the 59th annual Emmy awards. Uh, what the hell were people watching in 1948? I heard Snow cleaned up that year. He was a dope rapper.
I'll make ya boom boom do-oown...
Jul 19 2007Tom Cruise is a Nazi, Homosexual
"Thetaaaaaaaaaan!!"
Okay, so mainly this is all just an excuse to repost this totally sweet picture of Tom Cruise and Col. Klink, but still. The first stills from Valkyrie have hit the web. You can tell Tom Cruise has really mastered the nazi art of leaning back on your heels and looking constipated.
In case you haven’t been reading (don’t act like you’ve got better things to do), Valkyrie is a song Wagner wrote about gay unicorns or some shit, and Valkyrie is the story of the German general who tried to assassinate Hitler, and marks the first re-teaming of director Bryan Singer and writer Chris McQuarrie since The Usual Suspects.
I’m not the biggest Cruise fan, but I’d sit through a two-hour Singer/McQuarrie movie about my own bowel movements. Then again, I’d probably sit through an Adam Shankman movie about my own bowel movements. What can I say, I’m fascinated by my own stool. Sue me.
Jul 19 2007Death Sentence Poster
This new poster for Death Sentence, a Comic-Con exclusive, reminds me of:
1. The cover art for Reservoir Dogs.
2. Sin City artwork.
3. The time I was raped by a well hung, well dressed albino.
Jul 19 2007Big Budget Troll
Bloody Disgusting is reporting a rumor (whatever the hell that means) that Troll is going to get a big budget remake. Watching the above clip might make you excited for something like that, but think about it, what would a big budget remake of this be like? Well, first they'd replace the random B-listers like Sonny Bono, and the troll would probably end up being played by Eva Longoria. Then they'd take out the awesome lo-fi effects and replace it with CGI. And instead of something disturbing and hilarious, you'll get a mediocre video game. Charm of the original: lost. See also: Hairspray.
It's just like that neighbor girl. The doll you make from her hair will never quite smell like the original. *sigh* Sometimes I really wish I hadn't killed her.
Jul 19 2007The Hottest State Trailer
I would have thought any movie written by Ethan Hawke, directed by Ethan Hawke, and based on the novel by Ethan Hawke would be far too Ethan Hawkey for my taste, by which I mean shitty. But this trailer, though pretty typical of coming-of-age indie dramedies, looks surprisingly decent. And even more surprising is that Hawke was able to recognize that he's gotten far too haggard to play the 20-something protagonist. You got out at the right time, Uma.
Jul 19 2007Last Legion Poster
We posted the Last Legion trailer yesterday, now we've got the poster. Ever since Rome on HBO and my raging man crush on Marc Antony, I've had a thing for men in skirts. Except for John Travolta, he makes my eyes bleed. Oh, and Uncle Larry, who could also stand to hit the elliptical trainer.
... (keep going, you're doing good) ... (great stuff, feel the burn) ... (make this count) ... (if you quit early you only cheat yourself)... ... ... ... ... (two more) ... ... (great job, you did it. hit the showers) *ass pat*
That was just me keeping in shape with my ellipsical trainer.
Jul 18 2007Sonny Chiba Retires, Kills Bull
That's Asian talk for "Who wants a mustache ride?"
In honor of Sonny Chiba's impending retirement from action movies, I'm posting a totally kickass clip of him karate chopping a bull to death (after the jump). It really needs no commentary. And trust me, even if you're not into it at first, it gets good at the end.
Jul 18 2007Big Boi Embarrasses Himself on Film
But "Who's Your Caddy?", really? I would've gone with "Caddyblack", or "Blackyshack". I haven't read any early reviews, but last month, after an early showing was cancelled due to "technical difficulties" writer/director Don Michael Paul said, "Our movie is playing very, very well. But I'm a perfectionist, so I would prefer that it's done before it's shown to a festival audience."
Well, sir, judging by the trailer, you have indeed created true perfection.
Jul 18 2007TV Ratings Continue to Baffle Me
You just know that somewhere, a bar on the Jersey shore is missing a janitor and a best customer.
Last week, The Singing Bee, an NBC game show hosted by Joe Fat One, formerly of NSync, drew 13 million viewers.
According to long-suffering NBC, The Singing Bee was the highest-rated summer-series debut among young adults, aged 18-49, since the late Meet My Folks made a good first impression back in July 2002.
That's right, a show I hadn't even heard of until today was the most popular of its kind in FIVE YEARS. Oh, and it's another show about amateur singers.
I don't get it, are there parts of America that don't have karaoke bars? Because I'll you what, if I'm going to listen to the IHOP hostess sing "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" I better be sitting in front of a Scotch the size of a punchbowl. Better yet, I'd like to star in my own reality show, called "Punch Bowl".
Jul 18 2007Best of Bay!
I'll be honest though, my hatred of Michael Bay has greatly diminished since Transformers. It's like he finally realized what he was all about and played it up for entertainment value. It's nice when people stop pretending to be something they're not. Just like someday Jessica Biel is going to realize I'm her true love and make love to me instead of pretending I'm the creepy guy outside her window masturbating to the smell of her hairbrush that I bought on Ebay.
Jul 18 2007The Shark is Still Working Trailer
Jaws fans will want to check out the new trailer to The Shark is Still Working from the official site. This as-yet-undistributed documentary goes through the making of, difficulties, reaction, and continuing popularity of the movie that defined the blockbuster. No news on if it covers how Richard Dreyfuss somehow became a crazy meth head.
Jul 18 2007September Dawn Trailer
Jul 18 2007Two New Shots from John Rambo
It's been a while since we've heard from our favorite shell-shocked, headbanded war hero, John Rambo. He's got a self-titled fourth film coming out next year, so what's he been up to? Well, as these new shots show us, mostly just shooting a bow and arrow at mermaids, but occasionally breaking up the monotony by confusing a live snake and a wooden dowel for the aforementioned bow and arrow. In other words: madness!
Jul 18 2007Chuck & Larry Ripoff Controversy
According to JoBlo, which cites an article in Variety from 2000, which describes an earlier incarnation of Chuck & Larry that was to star Will Smith and be directed by Tom Shadyac, if anything, the ripoff was the other way around.
In either case, it's a bit like trying to figure out who did one of Carlos Mencia's bits first. The fact that someone with taste that bad chose to steal from you just reflects badly on you. Sometimes I get drunk and pee myself, but when I do, the neighbor kid with Down Syndrome doesn't sue me for royalties.
Jul 18 2007The Last Legion Trailer
Despite starring a huge Bollywood star, Colin Firth and Thomas Sangster, and telling the story of The Sword in the Stone, I assure you this trailer is not one of those popular "mash-ups" where they've mixed Love Actually with King Arthur and that Little Superstar character, dubbing it "Little Love Excaliburly." It might be better if it were though.
In better quality here.
Jul 18 2007Shrek the Fifth is Coming!
Remember two months ago when Jeffrey Katzenberg said there would be one more Shrek, insisting he'd always envisioned a fourth and final story of the character's origin? Well, Richard Sullivan, a Dreamworks animation rep, has now essentially told the LA Times, "Did he say four? He meant five--but then that's definitely, probably it." That's right--they're making a fifth Shrek!
I know that a lot of you must be thinking that they're only doing this because Shrek has made enough money to fund the scientific creation of a real, living and breathing Shrek that shits hundred-dollar bills. Well, you couldn't be more wrong. Shrek has never, and will never, be about money. Shrek has always been about creating boring, inoffensive family entertainment. It is only that strong commitment to mediocrity--a pledge made by Dreamworks and signed by Smashmouth--keeping the Shrek franchise alive. As long as there are banal, uninspired stories to tell, Shrek will continue to tell them, whether that means making billions of dollars or not.*
*they will stop making them if they stop making billions of dollars.
Jul 18 2007Leguizamo Joins The Happening
Variety reports that John Leguizamo has joined the cast of M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening. The film stars Mark Wahlberg as a man escaping natural disaster with his family, with Leguizamo taking the role of his best friend. Now it's time to play the popular game, What's going to be up with John Leguizamo in The Happening?
1. He's some kind of god that is causing the very disaster they're fleeing.
2. He has some hidden power that can stop the disaster at the last minute.
3. He's a ghost.
4. He's an alien.
5. He's something far more obnoxiously convoluted.
6. He's something strange that will be obvious to you in the first five minutes, which you'll later brag to your friends about as a testament to both Shyamalan's poor direction and your own impressive deduction skills.
7. He's the pest.
8. He's obviously not seen Lady in the Water and has made a horrible career move.
Feel free to suggest your own.
Jul 18 2007Gone Baby Gone Poster
It seems strange to me that they would market Ben Affleck's directorial debut with the large image of his fairly unknown brother, never even mentioning Ben or his Academy Award. Maybe they're trying to avoid reminding us that he's nearly a rapist.
Trailer here.
Jul 18 2007Strangers with Candy Meeting The Simpsons?
I'm really not sure how much of this is article is joking and how much is serious, but I've never been one to avoid blind speculation, erroneous reporting, or outright lying, so here it is: the characters from the Comedy Central cult favorite Strangers with Candy may find themselves animated, guest-starring in the 500th episode of The Simpsons. If true, it would mean two of my favorite things from high school that my mom didn't understand would be merging. Find a way to work in masturbating and "kick ass music" and it will be like I never graduated.
Jul 17 2007Ghosts of Cite Soleil Trailer
Thankfully, Bob the Cameraman was unable to read subtitles
Ghosts of Cite Soleil is a documentary about life in a Haitian slum that, from the trailer, looks like a real-life version of City of God.
The film follows two of the gang leaders, who happen to be brothers, and are also aspiring rappers. The foot soldiers of these gang leaders are known as chimeres (or “ghosts”) and it was those ghosts whom former President Jean-Bertrand Aristide is said to have employed to silence his opponents. Filmed in the months leading up to Aristide’s overthrow in 2004, the film captures the smoldering tensions between the two rival gang leaders, and their love for the same woman, set in a city the United Nations has declared the most dangerous place on Earth.
City of God's one of my favorite movies of all time because it lets me experience the drama and tension of living in a violent, lawless slum from the safety of the fort I've built out of couch cushions. Perhaps Ghosts can do the same? Slightly gnarlier trailer, after the jump.
Jul 17 2007DiCaprio to Maybe Play Hefner
You, with the boobs, my room, 10 minutes.
According to the Guardian, Leonardo DiCaprio is in talks to play Hugh Hefner in the upcoming biopic. The British are about as well known for responsible journalism as they are for world-class dentistry, and "in talks" is pretty vague as it is anyway, so who knows.
I would've liked to see Aaron Eckhart, because he has the whole ridiculously cleft chin thing down and you can't teach that in acting school. But either way it's probably going to suck because that chubby douche Brett Ratner is directing it. In other news, I will continue to not wear pants.
Jul 17 2007Jon Heder Strikes Again
Jon Heder's been in a fair few movies since Napoleon Dynamite, and even his magic underwear haven't been able to bring them success at the box office or on the reviews page. In this trailer for Moving McAllister he apparently plays some sort of Mormon-looking Indian shaman. Sadly, it looks to be par for course as far as post-Napoleon Heder movies are concerned.
But then again, it was written by and stars Ben Gourley, and you know that had to be a rough name growing up. The only people at his school who couldn't make fun of him were Steve Pussey, Joe Faggit and Margaret Monkeytits. How does this bode well for the movie, you ask? Well, funny people often have traumatic childhoods. Louis C.K. got sent to a camp for retarded kids, for instance, and even yours truly faced occasional ridicule because of my overdeveloped Kegel muscles. Children can be so cruel ;-(
Jul 17 2007Further Indiana Jones Adventures?
Harrison Ford (right) in a rarely captured embrace with greed.
I thought we had the promise that the fourth Indiana Jones film would wrap up the series, but now comes word from IESB that Harrison Ford has signed on to a three-picture deal in the series, with his co-star Shia LaBeouf signing on for four. Now if they somehow manage to not destroy the series with this one, they get three more chances! Though I do find it strange that Ford would be planning films so far past his death.
UPDATE: And it's already being denied by Lucasfilm. But you'll notice he never denied the possibility of a second E.T.
Jul 17 2007More, Better Looks at Joker
Yes, someone has gotten slightly closer to the set of The Dark Knight and grabbed even more shots of the anticipated villain. Until Warner Bros. supplies us with the quality and quantity of pictures expected from Sears Portrait Studio, expect more of the same. This one gives a better idea of the costume and the manner in which Joker requests sexual favors.
In addition, this Chicago Fox affiliate nabbed some additional Joker footage where he's standing around. I won't be happy until someone gets a "nip slip."
Jul 17 2007A Truce - Michael Moore/CNN Update
USA Today is running this story under the headline "Moore calls truce with CNN over 'Sicko'". The rest of the story makes it sound more like it was "agree to disagree" than a truce, persay, but it does point out a few errors in CNN's fact-checking of Moore's movie that I posted last week. See also the YouTube clip of the incident above.
In Gupta's report, CNN had said that Moore had reported that Cuba spends $25 per person for health care. In fact, the movie estimates Cuba's spending at $251 per person. CNN blamed a transcription error for its mistake and apologized for it on and off the air.
Oops. Take that CNN, smarmy jerks. Think they're "real journalists" because they wear pants and leave the house even when they're not out of disposable wet wipes. There are a couple other points of contention regarding the report, but the difference between $25 and $251 was easiest to wrap my booze addled brain around. Hope you understand.
Jul 17 2007Make Yourself a Simpson... Again
A few weeks ago, I reported that The Simpsons Movie site had a feature that allowed you to design your own character in the style of the cartoon. It seemed only obvious for me to make Ted Kaczynski.
Now Burger King, working in conjunction with the new movie, has another version of the same idea called "Simpsonize Me." This one allows you to upload a photo of yourself for the program to reference in creating your avatar, which you can then fine tune. Using his mug shot, I immediately made another Ted Kaczynski.
I think the first one actually worked better, but you can judge for yourself.
Make your own here.
Jul 17 2007Warlocks Hate Period: Dynamite Warriors Trailer
As I've often pointed out, few things in life are as awesomely ridiculous as Thai action flicks. Dynamite Warrior comes from the same country and the same choreographer as Ong Bak and The Protector, so my hopes that it could turn out as awesome as a guy throwing a baby elephant may not be unfounded.
Here's the actual synopsis from Apple, because no smart ass commentary from yours truly could ever be as good as the real deal on this one:
Set in rural Thailand during the 1920s Dan Chupong (Born To Fight) plays Jone Bang Fai a young man riddled with grief and bent on revenge after witnessing his parents’ murder by a callous and malicious killer. The only information Jone has as to the killer’s identity is the memory of a tattoo-covered man who is part of an organized group of cattle rustlers. Jone makes it his mission to stop all cattle rustlers and in the process return each head of cattle back to its rightful owner. After searching the country high and low, Jone finally believes he has found the murderer in a small rural village in the North of Thailand. To Jone’s dismay he learns that the killer is in fact a warlock of immense power, a nearly invincible mystical man who is trying to control the whole village. His one weakness? He can be harmed only by weapons that have been treated with the menstrual blood of a young virgin. Armed with this knowledge and a few hundred highly charged rockets (and a dash of menstrual blood), our intrepid hero goes up against one of the most dangerous men to have ever walked the Earth.
Wow.
Jul 17 2007King of Kong Trailer
The unabomber wasn't always so averse to technology
The description for the King of Kong trailer on Apple.com is "Follows a middle school science teacher as he battles a hot sauce mogul for the Guinness World Record on the arcade classic Donkey Kong."
I wasn't all that intrigued until I watched it and realized it's a documentary. I don't usually play video games because I'm too busy banging chicks and pumpin' iron, but this looks kinda interesting. Mainly because the one dude has really cool hair.
Jul 16 2007"Evan Armighty" to be Shelved
A fine mess you've gotten us into...
Poor Evan Almighty. It cost $210 million to make and still hasn't reached the $100 million dollar mark at the box office. And now comes the news that the film won't even be released in Japan.
Sources behind the decision say that it would've been too costly to re-imagine Noah as an attractive school girl whose panties are stolen by a vengeful octopus.
And now I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with all the Steve Carell hugging pillows I made.
Jul 16 2007Paramount Can Make Indy Sequels Long After Harrison Ford's Death
Bay was too distracted by Megan Fox's tits to notice that his characters were reacting to the same offscreen action while looking in two different directions.
Despite reports that 65-year-old Harrison Ford is doing all his own stunts and is fighting a courageous battle against incontinence, Paramount has taken no chances with the franchise, signing Shia LaBeouf for three additional Indy pictures, or at least the option to.
LaBeouf has also starred in Disturbia, Surf's Up, and Tranformers this year. His contract with Paramount reportedly includes an option to come to your house and bang your girlfriend, then hang out all day drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. Should you choose to initiate conversation, he retains the right to playfully punch you in the shoulder and call you "sport".
Jul 16 2007Elijah Kelley Oscar Watch
Desperately trying to avoid a "black guys love fat white chicks" joke here...
VH1 is reporting the Elijah Kelley will play Sammy Davis Jr. in an upcoming biopic. I didn't really know who Elijah Kelley was before today, but internet searches have led me to believe that he is an attractive black man with really nice teeth who looks like he smells nice. He's sort of what I wish I looked like.
Irregardless, this news can mean only one thing: Elijah Kelley will be winning an Oscar for best actor. I know the movie hasn't come out yet, but let's look at the facts here, people: He's playing a beloved, dead, black entertainer who battles racism and has a glass eye. Unless another movie comes out about a gay retarded clown musician living in a WWII-era Jewish ghetto, this one's pretty much a lock. The academy loves actors who play real people, because they're not very smart or creative, and they don't know much about acting; the easiest way to judge acting is to be able to compare performance to the real thing. Basically, they love a good impressionist. If Jimmy Fallon or Darrell Hammond ever turn to drama, they might runaway with the awards every year.
Jul 16 2007Steve Buscemi Loves the Gays
I wash my hands 100 times a day because they smell like my mother!
Kinda weird lookin' Steve Buscemi recently made the interview rounds to promote Interview. Frankly, it looks like a bit of a snooze fest, but Buscemi was also asked about appearing in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, which some* have called anti-gay.
That's what I found really interesting about the film, that this is being explored in this broad, comedic, hopefully very commercial film, and what I experienced on set, it champions gay rights and gay marriage. So you know, I haven't seen the film yet, but I think Adam has touched on this before in his movies and I know him personally and he's not homophobic. I don't think that is any kind of message he wants to portray.I haven't seen the trailers, and I'm sorry if that's what's seemingly coming through, because I don't believe the film is that way, and I would not have been involved in it if I felt like that's what it was doing. I feel like it's bringing this to the forefront, this whole issue of gay marriage, which I think is a non-issue.
Well said, Steve. Not nearly enough people are praising important films like I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, that spark debate on the real issues in this country. Where would the debate about rats cooking be without Ratatouille? The debate about surfing penguins without Surf's Up? The debate about assisted suicide without Tim Allen? If I were the academy, I would award Hollywood an Oscar for keepin' it real.
*queers
Jul 16 2007Seth Green to Play World's Smallest Executive
Ladies love it when I stand diagonal. Rowr!
Seth Green is set to join Robin Williams, John Travolta, Kelly Preston, and Matt Dillon in Old Dogs, the most strangely casted movie ever.
"Dogs" is a buddy comedy revolving around two best friends and business partners whose lives are turned upside down when they find themselves taking care of 7-year-old twins.Green will play an executive with the global marketing firm run by Travolta and Williams' characters as they are closing a big deal with a Japanese conglomerate. He is eager to prepare for his move to Tokyo and show off his Harvard MBA and Japanese cultural skills.
Obviously it's a comedy, because that's the only time you could cast Seth Green as a corporate exec. Can you really picture that guy as an authority figure? He'd walk in wearing a comically oversized suit and tell you to stop reading movie blogs and get back to work and you'd just giggle and be like, "Hee hee, whatever you say, Professor von Tinyjew! I can't resist those dimples!"
Jul 16 2007Small, Grainy Shot of Joker
Since I'm still willing to grab at any pathetic, Batman-themed carrot dangled in front of me, here's a super-secret shot taken from set of The Dark Knight. It's either Heath Ledger as The Joker, his stunt-double as The Joker, or the ghost of Brandon Lee, come to haunt the set and ensure proper firearm safety.
Also, MTV has confirmed Two-Face will appear in the film, bringing the official villain count to somewhere between "too many" and "a shit-ton."
Jul 16 2007The Good Night Trailer
I'll give it to you straight here: I have man-crushes on Martin Freeman and Simon Pegg because of The Office and Shaun of the Dead, and a regular crush on Penelope Cruz because of looking amazing even if slightly mousy, so their presence makes me really want to see this hokey dramedy. Plus it's written and directed by Gwyneth Paltrow's brother Jake, so it's got nepotism going for it too.
Jul 16 2007Ace Ventura Now Young, Fat
If you love sequels where the main character is replaced by his/her son or daughter, you're going to drop a load of excitement over this news! Ace Ventura's son will be played by husky department frequenter and Nancy Drew/License to Wed star Josh Flitter in a second sequel to Jim Carrey's breakout movie.
To me, the biggest shock here is that this is actually a 12-year-old. I'd assumed he was just one of those small men that have the chubby kid disease, like Andy Milonakis or the Campbell's soup kids. Now I feel kind of bad for all the times I've said how hard he is to look at.
Jul 16 2007R. Kelly Remains Trapped in Closet
IFC has announced that R. Kelly will remain trapped in the closet just a bit longer, with the network ordering 10 additional chapters to the already epic hip-hopera Trapped in the Closet. Assuming you've seen this--perhaps at an awkward social gathering where someone started playing the series--you know that this news is madness. This is like finding more books of the Bible, but a rhyming Bible with an even sloppier, less feasible narrative, and I think a dwarf.
All 22 episodes will be available to stream at IFC.com, and will be utterly unbearable to watch in one sitting.
Jul 16 2007I'm Not There Clip
As much as I try, I can't take Todd Haynes' Bob Dylan biopic I'm Not There seriously. Having several actors (like Christian Bale, Richard Gere, and Heath Ledger) play Dylan sounded interesting, but this clip with Cate Blanchett as the songster and David Cross as Allen Ginsberg is lost on me. All I can see is Blanchett doing a goofy impression of Bob Dylan and Tobias Funke riding around with a beard, and in this case it's not his wife.
Jul 13 2007Bill Engvall Helps TBS Stay A Crapfest
"Painfully obvious mundane observation, honey." "Yes, dear, quip stolen from Mary Tyler Moore that was snappy 30 years ago." [canned laughter]
Next week is an important time in my life. Besides my little sister's operation - don't ask, the little bitch hogs all the attention as it is - TBS will be premiering The Bill Engvall Show. That's right, the network that brought you America's Funniest Home Videos* reruns and edited movies with ridiculously dubbed profanities like "Yippie kai-yay, Mr. Falcon!" is now giving one of those lame-brained, milquetoast rednecks his own show.
This following their premiere of Tyler Perry's House of Payne, they might as well add NASCAR and rename it the Shit Vince Doesn't Get channel (SVDG). But it makes sense that they'd want to balance out a show that no white people watch with one no black people watch. It's nice to thumb my nose at things and still be able to feel colorblind.
Jul 13 2007December Boys Trailer
The box office numbers and I finally agree--Daniel Radcliffe makes a great orphan wizard! The makers of December Boys got my fax about this startling discovery, but seem to have favored the less interesting aspect of the orphan/wizard role when making their film. In this melodramatic coming-of-age tale, Radcliffe plays one of four orphan boys (none of whom play Quidditch or fight evil wizards) taken on a holiday by the sea, where they face the sudden realization one may be adopted. Having seen the trailer, I'll tell you it never answers why some f***ing orphans are getting better vacations than me.
Jul 13 2007Cuba Gooding Jr.'s Career Circling the Bowl
Dear God, don't turn the camera sideways! ARRGGGGHHHH!
The brains behind Daddy Day Care apparently were so pleased with themselves that they decided to make a sequel, and the trailer's now online.
Oh boy. What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said about the holocaust? Hey, remember when Cuba Gooding Jr. won an oscar? Since then he's been in Snow Dogs, Pearl Harbor, Boat Trip, and Norbit, among other things. I could wipe my ass with my resume after a big glass of Metamucil and it'd still have fewer turds on it than his (but probably more porn).
For the love of God, man, get a new agent. Burn the old one for fuel. It can't be fun making movies for the family-too-dumb-to-notice-something-sucks crowd.
PS - More like Cuba BAD-ing! Zing!
Jul 13 2007More Funny Talker Trailers
Above-ground pools are where the magic happens
As you may have noticed, it's a bit of a slow news day, but luckily there's no shortage of new trailers. This one's Introducing the Dwights, an Aussie flick about a horny dude with a mom who's a comedian, a dad who's a lounge singer, and a brother who's a retard.
It looks the kind of annoyingly "quirky" indie that critics swoon over, even though they'd shit on them mercilessly if they were major studio releases. But then again, it could surprise me, like Little Miss Sunshine. At the very least, the chick in it looks like a hotter version of Amy Smart with a sweet accent.
And of course I'm excited for retard-on-retard action. I dated a girl with Down Syndrome once. She could do incredible things with that thick tongue of hers.
Jul 13 2007More Skinheads!
Considering the "unique" aesthetic qualities of the purebred Anglo, you'd think they'd be desperate for outside additions to the gene pool.
In keeping with the Death Sentence-inspired skinhead theme, I bring you the This is England trailer (once again, I apologize for being too stupid to know how to embed these things properly. Seems the only things I know how to properly bed are supermodels. *sigh*, Been this way since I was a child)
Anyway, even though I'm an open-minded, colourblind gent who has bedded women of all races, religions, and states of consciousness, I must admit that I love a good skinhead movie. American History X, Romper Stomper - it's nice to know that a good headbutt or curb stomping is just around the corner. Reminds me of Thanksgiving dinners I had growing up.
Jul 13 2007Death Sentence Trailer: Bacon H8s Skinheads
The trailer for Death Sentence is now online. It appears to involve Kevin Bacon going to war with a gang of skinheads because his son sucks at hockey or something. It's good news if your friends are always throwing white supremacy figures at you during games of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
The movie also has Aisha Tyler, that chocolate skinned goddess who I used to fantasize about during her days as the host of Talk Soup. Mmm, I can just picture us having a brood of cheerful mulatto children who would sing and dance while I stirred a steaming pot Cream of Wheat on the stove. But perhaps I've just been watching too many newsreels from the 30s.
Jul 13 2007Bill Maher Makes the Baby Jesus Cry
Original Onion caption probably says it best, "Bill Maher spends all night arguing with Republican hooker"
In keeping with the heated political discussions we've recently been having in the iwatchstuff.com comments section, today I bring you the news that Lionsgate will be releasing Bill Maher and Larry Charles' anti-religion documentary, A Spiritual Journey.
The film is said to “examine the presence of religion in many of the big news stories of recent years, from Muslim riots over cartoons to the Ten Commandments in front of courthouses, a born-again Christian in the White House and Scientology in the birthing room," and director Charles describes it as “Bill Maher vs. the Anti-Christ (or is Bill Maher the Anti-Christ?)”
I have no knowledge of whether he's the anti-Christ, but I do know that he's banged Ann Coulter, and if Joaquin Phoenix has taught me anything, it's that, "You dance with the devil, the devil don't change - the devil changes you."
He also taught me that hairlips can be sexy. No trailer for this yet, but stay tuned.
Jul 12 2007Choke on Anjelica Huston
Anjelica Huston on the set of 'Gremlins'
Anjelica Huston is set to play Sam Rockwell's mother in the upcoming movie adaptation of the Chuck "Holy Shit Do I Ever Need a Pen Name" Palahniuk's (Fight Club) novel Choke. Besides Rockwell, she joins Kelly MacDonald, Brad Henke, and newcomer director Clark Gregg, who also wrote the script.
Aside from the fact that I've been waiting for this movie for a long time, it reminds me of a little story - so if you'll allow me a little autobiographical license...
Jul 12 2007Posters: Kevin Bacon's Revenge
So here's the poster for Kevin Bacon's latest, Death Sentence. It's based on a book by Brian Garfield, stars Bacon and John Goodman, and is "about a man who witnesses the murder of his oldest son, and goes on an elaborate quest of revenge as a result."
I love revenge movies. Heck, when I started writing for this site, I tried to get them to change the name to "yeahTina.howyoulikemenow.youwhore.com", but I got outvoted.
Jul 12 2007Indiana Jones Teaser Footage
George Lucas: Lesbian Cat Lover, Sunglass Enthusiast
Since the sexy world of movie blogging is basically sniffing the air every time Harrison Ford looks like he's going to fart, I figured I might as well post this teaser clip from Indy 4.
If you remade this clip to be about my life, it'd just be a quick cut montage of a cat masturbating, a pink speedo, and an angry barn owl.
Jul 12 2007Doomsday Photos
Lesbo-erotic swordplay is pretty much my favorite thing
With a headline like that, normally you'd get photos like this. But since I'm feeling extra literal today, they're actually photos from Neil Marshall's upcoming movie, Doomsday. Here's the rundown:
"In the action-packed new thriller from writer/director Neil Marshall ("The Descent"), authorities brutally quarantine a country as it succumbs to fear and chaos when a virus strikes. The literal walling-off works for three decades – until the dreaded Reaper virus violently resurfaces in a major city. An elite group of specialists, captained by Eden Sinclair (Rhona Mitra), is urgently dispatched into the still-quarantined country to retrieve a cure by any means necessary. Shut off from the rest of the world, the unit must battle through a landscape that has become a waking nightmare."
Now, normally I'd say, "How clever, you've recycled the plot of 28 Days Later and District B13." But what made The Descent a pretty good watch was the fact that it was really schlocky and sort of tongue in cheek. If he can bring the same sensibility to this, who knows. Plus, you know, tits.
Jul 12 2007Katharine McPhee Joins Cast of Female Animal House
If St. Peter is anything like me, this picture will be Tyra's admission ticket to heaven.
In case you haven't heard (oh wait, I'm supposed to tell you about this kind of stuff, right?), Happy Madison is working on a sorority comedy with a mostly female cast. Anna Faris will play a Playboy bunny who gets kicked out of the mansion and becomes house mother to the lamest sorority on campus. McPhee will reportedly be playing a "pregnant hippie chick".
The pic was written by the duo behind Legally Blonde and will also star Emma Stone, Rumer Willis, and Kat Dennings. And probably a couple people Sandler went to high school with.
Okay, so normally I'd be embarrassed to write an American Idol-related post, but what can I say? She's got big jugs. Throw some big jugs on those starving Ethiopian kids and hell, I'd probably become a professional fly shoo-er.
Jul 12 2007Michael Moore Hates Fag Haters
Taking a break from his busy schedule of buying baseball hats and not jogging, Michael Moore recently hinted to The Advocate that his next project may be homophobia in America.
I am not sure what I am going to do for my next film, but I certainly believe that I have no right to tell another couple whether they can or cannot be married. There is nowhere in the four Gospels where Jesus uses the word homosexual, nor the word abortion. The right wing has appropriated this guy. It makes you think, what someone can do in your name a thousand years from now. [Laughs] And they have used him to attack gays and lesbians, when he never said a single word against people who are homosexual.
If it does happen, you can be sure of one thing: Fred Phelps will make an appearance. And I'm sure he'll tell you that Jesus was just going through a rebellious phase when he wasn't gay bashing, because his dad certainly hates them.
Personally, I always thought homophobia was despicable. But I have to admit, the Hairspray posters give me second thoughts.
Jul 12 2007Ben Affleck Directs, Kevin Smith Swoons
New technology actually allows us to take pictures from inside Kevin Smith's ass
Ben Affleck has spent so much of his career doing shitty movies and getting engaged to annoying Puerto Rican chicks that many people forget that he got his big break as a writer of a movie that won an academy award. And winning an academy award for a movie without retards or nazis is tough (though I guess Will Hunting was supposed to be kind of a savant).
Anyway, the trailer for his directorial debut, Gone Baby, Gone hit the web a few days ago. It stars Ed Harris, Morgan Freeman and overshadowed brothers Casey Affleck and Robert Wahlberg (and I'll eat a dog turd if this motherf***er didn't go by "Bobby" his entire life). The flick's an adaptation of a Dennis Lehane (Mystic River) novel, and Affleck wouldn't be Affleck if it didn't involve some wicked quee-uhs and lose-uhs from Beantown.
Predictably, Kevin Smith loves it. "It’s one of those movies where you watch and you’re like [groan] First time out? He made a better movie than I’ve ever made. That jerk! And he’s easier to look at, richer, I hate him so much! And not many people know this, but he has the anus of an 8-year-old Korean boy."
Okay, maybe I made that last part up. And sadly, I could only find one clip of Affleck on SNL, but it forever redeemed my opinion of him. "So I'm feedin' mah ferret, in the nute, as ah do..."
Jul 11 2007Michael Moore Blitzes Wolf
Michael Moore was on Wolf Blitzer's show yesterday, and CNN made the mistake of showing a piece by Sanjay Gupta where he attempts to refute some of the facts Moore makes in Sicko with Moore sitting there the whole time. And I must say, Gupta does somewhat of a lame job of it - pointing out that Americans spend $6,096 on health care a year rather than the $7,000 Moore claims, among other things. Ooh, hard hitting.
Anyway, by the time Moore got on he was all full of piss and vinegar and basically berated Wolf Blitzer for being a p**** for fifteen minutes.
Jul 11 2007New Bee Movie Trailer
So we've got this big stinger, but we can only use it once, and then we're dead. Can you imagine that? You're a shark, and you've got this big mouth full of teeth, then, soon as you try to take a bite out of a seal or something; poof! That's all she wrote. It's just ridiculous. Am I supposed to get 72 bee virgins in the afterlife or something? I mean what. is. the deal?
A new trailer for Bee Movie is out, and I'm not sure what to think about it. As Mark pointed out, the whole fifth wall (you know, the one between anthropomorphic insects and humans) has been broken down.
The only thing I really have to add to that is, anyone else think Seinfeld is starting to sound like Jimmy Fallon's impression of Seinfeld? Gold star for anyone who can find video of this - how it's not on YouTube I'll never know.
Jul 11 200710,000 BC Teaser Trailer
Even months after working with Emmerich, many of his actors find that they can scarcely look at a green screen without bursting into tears.
IESB has a teaser trailer for Roland Emmerich's upcoming 10,000 B.C. It's hard to infer much from this - it sort of looks like it's about a sabre tooth tiger who eats electricity. But judging by Emmerich's track record (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow), I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's going to be expensive and shitty.
Yahoo!'s supposed to have the full trailer tomorrow, so stay tuned. Or don't, what the f*** do I care.
Jul 11 2007Wesley Snipes Evades Taxes, Theatres
"Like my outfit? Churches are tax exempt, you know."
Ever wonder what happened to Wesley Snipes? You know, the guy from Passenger 57? Well now, thanks to the magic of DVD, you can find out. Check out this clip from his latest straight-to-DVD opus, The Contractor.
I like how he just shows up to work and doesn't really have to say anything. Seriously, I don't think this dude's had more than half a page of dialogue since White Men Can't Jump. He's like Wile E. Blackdude.
Jul 11 2007Star Trek XI: Nimoy In, Shatner Out
In this clip, William Shatner explains that Leonard Nimoy has seen the script and will be in Star Trek XI, with the former Vulcan claiming there's no part for Shatner. I suppose it's only fair, considering Shatner has an Emmy, a Golden Globe, and a steady gig at Priceline, while Nimoy has this.
Jul 11 2007I'll Have Another Footloose, Extra Gay, Hold the Bacon
I wish I was queer.../so I could get chicks
Seems that someone out there has discovered that 12-year-old girls have plenty of disposable income and love musicals (I discovered that their panties smell nice, but that's neither here nor there...). Since writing new musicals is kind of hard, Paramount decided to remake Footloose, which was, like, kind of a musical.
The regrettably Bacon-free remake will star Zac Efron (High School Musical, Hairspray) and will be directed by Kenny Ortega (like the chili). The 1984 original, of course, told the story of a rebellious newcomer to a town where dancing has been banned.
It reminds me of my hometown. A place where most folks just couldn't understand that inside this masculine adonis in a crotch-stuffed leotard breathes the soul of a dancer!
Jul 11 2007Cheadle and Pearce Star in Political Thriller from...Steve Martin?
"Naw, fool. Hold the gun sideways, like I done taughtchoo. And cut that nasty ass hair."
Yep, you read that headline correct - I mean, I think you did, having no prior knowledge of your dyslexia... Don Cheadle and Guy Pearce are set to star in Traitor, a thriller about an undercover CIA agent (Cheadle) who infiltrates a terrorist cell but in the process may have become a terrorist himself. Pearce plays an FBI agent investigating him.
The film will be written and directed by Jeffrey Nachmanoff, and is based on an original story by Steve Martin. Yes, that Steve Martin.
[Producers]Hoberman and Lieberman had been developing the project since early 2002, when Martin approached the duo on the set of "Bringing Down the House," which they were producing. Martin told them to meet him in his trailer because the actor had a thriller he wanted to pitch. Hoberman and Lieberman thought Martin was joking and didn't show up. Martin approached them the next day and asked why they didn't meet him.
Bringing Down the House co-star Queen Latifah reportedly campaigned hard for a role in which her character would teach Pearce how to "act street" to help him infiltrate the terrorist cell, and in the process, learn a little about love. Her idea was vetoed and she spent the rest of the afternoon eating cake batter.
Jul 11 2007Sleuth Trailer
With Kenneth Branagh at the helm and Michael Caine (of the original) starring with Jude Law, will the retelling of Sleuth be one of the few remakes to actually near the quality of its predecessor, or is this just Law's excuse for re-popularizing Hulk Hogan's hairstyle? You decide!
PS: The strange CGI targeting effects in the trailer make me think I've turned into a Terminator.
Jul 10 20071-18-08 Trailer Officially Up
After pulling all the bootlegged trailers from YouTube, Paramount has finally decided we're worthy of seeing the trailer to J.J. Abrams' secret project, thus far being referred to as 01-18-08 or Cloverfield. Now that I've finally seen the home video-style footage in high definition, it really makes me hope the rest of the movie is shot this way, and that Bob Saget does funny voices over it.
Jul 10 2007Broken English: More Hollywood Daughters Make Movies
Her look of dissatisfied indifference reminds me of every woman who's ever seen me naked.
The trailer for Broken English is now online. Other than the fact that they stole the "Hap-penis" joke from The Beverly Hillbillies, I don't have all that much to say about it. Written and directed by first timer Zoe Cassavetes (that's right, daughter of John), I smell another Sofia Coppola - you know, a privileged chick who has oodles of taste and style but not a f***ing thing to say?
But then again, Parker Posey's a solid actress who may be able to carry a movie. Plus, I find her oddly attractive, like the shy babysitter who breastfeeds you when your mom's not around. Oh, and Drea De Matteo is in it, and she has an AC/DC tattoo on her hoo-ha.
Jul 10 2007Get Smart Teaser Trailer
The teaser trailer for the remake of '60s classic Get Smart has been released, leaving me at a loss as to how to best express my outrage at what they've done with it. It appears Steve Carell has sorrowfully reached the Jim Carrey level of stardom where he's given scripts that include pages of "Steve acts funny, etc."
I guess I should wait until the full trailer to completely shit on this, but I'm at least going to wipe with it for a while.
EDIT: I put up the YouTube version for easier viewing.
Jul 10 2007Jet Li and Jackie Chan to Do Chinese Things
An angry Lo Pan reeves my racist soul.
As my 7th grade teacher Mrs. Chang taught us, the Chinese are reknowned for their action films as well as their kung fu prowess, mathematics skills, and ineptitude behind the wheel. That's why it's so nice to hear that Jet Li and Jackie Chan, those two Chinese tiger-dragons of action cinema, are teaming up for Forbidden Kingdom.
In this re-telling, an American teenager (Michael Angarano) discovers a staff which transports him to ancient China where he joins in a quest to return the staff to the Monkey King. Jet Li plays the dual role of the Monkey King and Silent Monk while Jackie Chan will play a kung fu master named Lu Yan.
This should be good, because Chris Tucker isn't in it, and any Chinese actor in Hollywood, pretty much the first thing you learn is how to play is a monk or kung fu master. There are only two things that I can think of that would make this movie better:
1. Lo Pan
2. The American teenager should always be addressed as "Young Round-Eye"
Jul 10 2007Fred Claus Teaser Trailer
Every time Vince Vaughn grows an undereye bag, an angel gets its wings.
Watching the Fred Claus trailer, it's hard for me not to do a balancing act, like some sort of well-hung Lady Justice with 20/20 vision (thanks, LASIK). On one side you've got Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Kevin Spacey, the director of Wedding Crashers, and an apparent lack of Tim Allen. On the other, you've got... a Christmas movie. With elves. And people falling down in the trailer.
To bash it or not to bash it, which way will the scale swing? At tough times like these, I always turn to Onanism, my only true friend.
Jul 10 2007August Rush Trailer: Rhys Meyers to Play Straight Again
"Cocaine's a hell of a drug..."
August Rush "tells the story of a charismatic Irish guitarist and a sheltered young cellist who have a chance encounter one magical night above New York’s Washington Square, but are soon torn apart, leaving in their wake an infant, August Rush, orphaned by circumstance." I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that before the credits roll, they will "make beautiful music together." Crotch music.
This will give Jonathan Rhys Meyers another chance to pretend he's straight. No offense, but this dude's gayer than Vin Diesel at a glory hole. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
UPDATE: Just did a google search on Rhys Meyers. According to Scarlett Johansson, "He's a really sexy, brooding guy, but he's very gossipy. He likes shoes, and it was like having a girlfriend on the set."
Jul 10 2007Billy Crudup Going to (Dr.) Manhattan
A reliable source has told CHUD that Billy Crudup may be the next to join Zack Snyder's Watchmen adaptation. The Jesus' Son star is reportedly up for the role of Dr. Manhattan, the naked, super-powered bald part first offered to Keanu Reeves and rumored for Jason Patric.
With Little Children co-stars Patrick Wilson and Jackie Earle Haley already reportedly in the cast, Watchmen is shaping up to be the most credibility shoved in tights since Walter Cronkite's last "pantyhose party."
Jul 9 2007Two-Face AND Riddler in Dark Knight?
Following earlier rumors that Anthony Michael Hall would play Edward Nygma in The Dark Knight that I took with a grain of salt, more reports are apparently coming in that he actually is in the Riddler role after all. Go figure.
Furthermore, spies near the Batman set are saying they've seen Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart) in full (half?) Two-Face makeup, meaning the dramatic transformation to villain may indeed occur in this chapter.
This brings the villain list to:
- The Joker (confirmed)
- Scarecrow (nearly confirmed?)
- Edward Nygma, AKA The Riddler (rumored)
- Harvey Dent, AKA Two-Face (confirmed, but maybe not as villain yet)
- Hitler (confirmed as villain, but primarily versus Jews)
- Heart Disease (still America's greatest killer; unconfirmed in Batman, confirmed in burgers, bacon)
- Yourself (somehow you always knew it)
Jul 9 2007First Look at Will Smith in John Hancock
Just Jared has graciously provided us with the first look at Will Smith in John Hancock, the story of a superhero who has fallen from grace and the affair with his publicist's wife. Either that or it's one of those BumFight videos where they've hung a hobo by some wires.
More here.
Jul 9 2007Marky Mark, Darren Aronofsky, and Matt Damon
Wahlberg on the set of "Guy Hard"
Marky Mark Wahlberg, rappin' underwear model/actor sextroardinaire, recently seemed to confirm that Darren Aronofsky will be directing his latest project, Fighter.
“The Fighter” tells the true story of underdog boxing champ “Irish” Micky Ward (Wahlberg) and his trainer/brother Dick Eklund (Damon), following their lives from the rough-and-tumble streets of Lowell, Massachusetts to an internationally-herald [sic] bout at the world championships.
Says Wahlberg: “The whole thing is to make it look real,” he said. “I want to do these guys justice. We don’t want to do any over-the-top, unrealistic fight scenes.”
You want nothing over-the-top, so you got... Darren Aronofsky? The guy whose drug movie included amputated arms, cracked out grandma's, and chicks going butt to butt at a party? Whose love story included both knights and spacemen? Personally, I blame the Massachusetts public school system.
Jul 9 2007More Indiana Jones Rumors/Photos
The rumor mill over at Aint it Cool News is saying the new Indiana Jones film will try to bring the series full circle, with our favorite archaeologist again seeking out the Ark of the Covenant. Next time we get a magic religious artifact we'll know better than to just throw a "top secret" sticker on it and put it in a warehouse.
Additionally, Indy producer Frank Marshall has pleased fans by going on the record that the involvement of George Lucas won't mean tons of CGI, saying:
Steven is very aware of the process and we're not cheating with CG (computer graphics) at all. It keeps the B movie feel.
Lucas currently has artists hand-painting a goofy sidekick character frame by frame.
And finally, thanks to Tyler for sending in some more shots from the Indiana Jones IV New Haven, CT set that confirm a chase scene will occur with period vehicles, not, as previously thought, giant mechanical dinosaurs. See them below the cut.
Jul 9 2007The 11th Hour Trailer
Continuing the trend put forth by An Inconvenient Truth, actor/actvist Leonardo DiCaprio has enlisted a team of documentary filmmakers to make his own plea for environmental change. From what I can gather from the trailer, he seems to be suggesting humans might in some way be responsible for destroying the earth. Interesting idea, but "wrath of God" seems like a much simpler and more popular explanation.
Jul 6 2007Catacombs Trailer
Taking an invite from her sister (played by Alecia Moore/Pink/P!nk), Victoria (Shannyn Sossamon) goes on a trip to Paris that leads her to a hard-to-find rave. As if the dangers of Ecstacy use and eardrum damage from the hot beats weren't bad enough, she soon finds herself stranded and pursued in the titular catacombs.
The trailer didn't do much for me, and the release has been delayed for some time, but I know it has to be good with P!nk involved. Our light-red darling would never attach her name to anything sub-par (besides Ski to the Max, Rollerball, and all of her music).
Jul 6 2007Lust, Caution Trailer Hides Language
The trailer to Lust, Caution, Ang Lee's newest, looks dramatic, sexy, exciting, and suspiciously free of dialog. It's almost as if they don't want us to realize it's in Mandarin! Nice try, Ang, but I don't go to the movies to read. That's what books and take-out menus are for, jackass.
Jul 6 2007Danny Boyle Says Ewan McGregor is Soft
The invention of the "Scottish Filter" allowed Boyle to shoot love scenes with his countrymen, whose skin tones made the operation impossible with earlier technology.
In a recent interview on Kurt Loder's MTV show, I Can't Believe I'm Still Alive, Danny Boyle says it might be a while before we see a movie version of Porno, Irvine Welsh's sequel to Trainspotting. The main reason being that the cast of the original don't look old enough yet.
We won’t be able to do it for a while because the guys don’t look any different. They haven’t aged at all! They give this impression to the public that they’re out drinking and smoking, when in fact they are in a spa somewhere in the country!
Danny Boyle must shout a lot! Or maybe the writer just had too much coffee! Anyway, don't fret, fans - Kevin Smith's already making a Porno movie. Except in Smith's version, the nihilistic Scottish drug addicts will be replaced by neurotic Jersey douchebags who argue about Star Wars in stilted dialogue.
Jul 6 2007Michael Bay Talks Smack
Bay and Rock at this year's skinny whiteboy convention
According to Deadline Hollywood Daily, Michael Bay posted (and then quickly un-posted) a mini-rant about two of his producers, Don Murphy and Tom DeSanto, trying to take credit for creative aspects of Transformers, despite having no input and not having actually seen the movie yet. Taking creative credit for a Michael Bay movie before you've even seen it? Dangerous. That's like rawdogging Paris Hilton and then bragging about not having herpes before you've gotten tested.
Anyway, this one's not nearly as interesting as Judd Apatow's email fight with the That 70's Show guy, but it is notable in that it has far fewer grammar mistakes than I would expect from the guy who directed Pearl Harbor.
But what made my blood curl [sic] was something that was on the Net with Tom at the Saturn awards on IESB.net where they interviewed him about the movie – a movie I might add he had not seen yet. He acted very much like he did. Check it out as he vamps through the questions, and how Hugo put his 'thumb print on it'. Give me a break, the guy was lying through his teeth - he had seen nada, nothing, until the press screening.
Jul 6 2007Angry Black Woman Directs Petey Greene Movie
"When white people stir their tea they be all like...."
Kasi Lemmons, whom you may remember from such roles as "Angry Black Woman" (seriously, it's the first listing on her IMDB page), directed a biopic about D.C. radio personality Petey Greene starring Don Cheadle. Check out the trailer at Apple.com.
Don Cheadle is one of the best actors around, and this one looks like it has potential. On another note, can you imagine a white guy named "Petey"? A white guy named Petey reminds me of the neighbor kid with Down Syndrome who wears a helmet and jacks off in the front yard. And yet somehow a black dude named Petey sounds like a smooth talking brother who drives a convertible. (sigh)
Jul 6 2007Shoot 'Em Up Trailer: Tits, Fire, and Motley Crüe
T 'N F
Shoot 'Em Up stars Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and Monica Bigtitserino, looks like a cross between Snatch and Smokin' Aces, and was written and directed by Michael Davis, a dude I've never really heard of before. I'll be honest, the trailer looks promising. It reminds me of the day when action movies, even the shitty ones, had over the top bad guys, awesome one liners, and of course plenty of tits and fire. This was before people like Jerry Bruckheimer replaced these things with inane plot twists, talking animals, and Nic Cage.
After at least half a decade of piece of shit, PG-13, Paul Walker vehicles*, perhaps this is a return to form? Let's hope so. But I also remember thinking the Independence Day trailer looked awesome, so who knows.
*From Encyclopedia of Stuff Vince Hates, Volume P
Jul 5 2007Good Luck Chuck Red-Band Trailer
A red-band trailer for the Dane Cook/Jessica Alba comedy Good Luck Chuck has found its way online, complete with F-words and cum shots or whatever it is that makes trailers red-band. I haven't watched it out of fear it will make the sting that much greater when Cook or one of his fans inevitably steals my girlfriend, beats me up, and drenches me in their Coors-scented piss. But you should feel free to enjoy it.
Jul 5 2007Cloverfield Teaser Trailer
If you decided to fight your instinctual love for giant robots and avoided Transformers over the holiday, you not only missed an illogical story--you missed the Cloverfield teaser!
A cloud of secrecy surrounds the project, with the teaser not even mentioning the title, but it seems to imply a giant, Godzilla-style monster attacking New York. And I'll be quite honest, after all the roaring and massive destruction of property seen above, I'm going to be pretty pissed if it's not a colossal monster. It would be like showing me a coffin and a girl with a couple holes in her neck and telling me you're not giving me a vampire movie, except Godzilla monsters are much cooler since they're not drenched in strange goth kid mystique.
Unfortunately, with J.J. Abrams producing and a Lost writer as scribe, the movie will probably last three seasons beyond your caring.
If the above link goes down, or for a differently angled bootlegger's take, try this.
EDIT: I fixed my spelling.
Also, Paramount seems to have eliminated all traces of this trailer. Comment if you can find it still existing somewhere.
Jul 5 2007The Jane Austen Book Club Trailer
The trailer to The Jane Austen Book Club somehow manages to combine all the reasons I'd never join a Jane Austen book club with all the reasons I'd never see a movie. In it, several women (I didn't count or notice how many) collect to discuss the works of Jane Austen but soon discover their own love lives are mirroring those of Austen's characters. Like how Monster Squad gave groups of kids that loved monsters the dream of one day encountering real ones, TJABC gives hopes to lonely middle-aged women they might one day find a man willing to tolerate their boring obsession with a long-dead author (though they are equally unattainable goals).
Jul 5 2007The Invasion Poster
The new poster for The Invasion looks very good to me because it effectively communicates the film's two key highlights:
1. That they've made Invasion of the Body Snatchers into a much darker, serious sci-fi thriller than its predecessors, as seen in the recent trailer.
2. That they've hired only Aryan actors.
Jul 5 2007Alvin and the Chipmunks Poster
Alvin and the Chipmunks was never anything amazing, and even as a kid I never fully grasped why these giant, intelligent chipmunks were able to live in the human world fairly unnoticed outside of some relative fame as singers (rather than as the mutant freaks they were). However, I was fairly certain Hollywood was going to somehow take my mediocre memories of the series and destroy them yet again in their big screen, semi-live-action adaptation.
I couldn't have been more wrong! Look at this poster! They've cleverly made the chipmunks look like old school rappers! Just as Jason Lee implies with his expression and relative size, I want to eat these fellas up! I know what I'll be asking for come Christmas: tickets! (to this movie)
Jul 4 2007Superbad Interview
Yeah, so happy fourth of July, f***ers. Obviously, this won't be my first post while intoxicated, but it is the first on a holiday. Don't expect this in the future. --End Disclaimer.
Anyway, bottom line, comingsoon.net has an interview with Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow about Superbad, and dammit if they don't say all the right things:
"To us that was the big joke. The injustice in movies was that no one in high school movies truly talked and act how we would in high school," Rogen explained. "Just the fact that we were in high school and could swear all the time was just a novelty to us. It was the first time you weren't around your parents all the time or in an elementary school so we would go crazy and have the most filthy conservations. We just hadn't seen that in movies really."
A high school movie starring high school kids, written when the writers were in high school, in high school vernacular. Well shit, it sounds like a fine idea to me, and I commend the studio for being as supportive as Rogen says. Wow, what a f***in' fanboy post this is. Drinking really does take the edge off.
Jul 3 2007Eastern Promises Trailer
David Cronenberg re-teams with his History of Violence star Viggo Mortensen and adds Naomi Watts in his latest effort, Eastern Promises. When Watts finds a diary that gets her involved with a notorious crime family, she gets in the most dangerous adventure with a journal since Indiana Jones hid his father's Grail diary from the Nazis. Or when Anne Frank hid her standard diary from the Nazis, for that matter. My point is that mobsters and Nazis hate written daily recollections of events.
Jul 3 2007Girls Gone Wild Has Stupid Employees
Each day, these girls struggle just to find clean vodka and cocaine. Your contribution of just $19.99 a month can change all that. Please, think of the whores.
Tranae Hammond, a former sales representative for Girls Gone Wild, is suing the company for *snicker* sexual harassment.
According to court papers, Hammond's supervisor touched and massaged Hammond's shoulders and arms, frequently spoke about sex in front of her, and on at least one occasion "tapped (her) buttocks with a clipboard."
Holy shit, if that's a crime, I'm a capital offender. I may be my only employee, but I've done a lot worse than tap my ass with a clipboard.
But, if you're reading this, Ms. Hammond, I don't mean to poke fun at your plight. No one who works at a class establishment like Girls Gone Wild should ever have to endure such treatment. I'm sure you could find a much more respectful environment over at Bumfights, Backyard Wrestling, or Faces of Death.
Jul 3 2007Germans Say 'Nein' to Cruise Once and For All
"Ve hate you, Tom Cruise." "Yah, like, stay avay from aur monuments."
After early reports that Cruise's alien worship were hindering Valkyrie's ability to get the necessary permits, and subsequent denials by German officials (apparently they're sensitive about the whole 'hating people for their religion' thing, go figure), the Finance Ministry has declined producers of the film permission to shoot at the Benderblock, a Defense Ministry building where German officer Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg, played by Cruise in the film, was executed for attempting to assassinate Adolf Hitler.
A Finance Ministry spokesman said the memorial, a "place of remembrance and mourning, would lose dignity if we were to exploit it as a film set." Another request to shoot at a Berlin police station was rejected after "intensive review," according to a spokesman for the Berlin police department. "The adverse impact to the facility would be so grave that the request had to be denied."
And by adverse reaction, he no doubt meant the evil spirits of dead aliens bent on the destruction of Scientology's new closeted-homosexual messiah. On the plus side, "Benderblock" totally reminds me of "Bend the Block", which in turn reminds me of this kickass commercial with a funny Asian guy.
Jul 3 2007License to Wed is Really Good
The trio had differing reactions to the kilo of cocaine on the table
License to Wed is currently tracking at 8% on Rotten Tomatoes, putting it well on its way to finding a spot on their 100 Worst list. Spawning a million "Divorce", "Annulment", and "Say I Don't" headlines, here are some other words of praise it received:
"Comedies don't get much lamer than License to Wed," -Hollywood Reporter
"Not only is License to Wed Creepy, it's not remotely funny." -Cincinnati Enquirer
"Williams has become a comedic glass ceiling, a black hole of laughs that guarantees every scene he's in will make nails on a chalkboard sound appealing." -Metromix.com
"There's bad, there's awful and there's horrible, and then somewhere beyond that, in its own Kingdom of Lousy -- where all the milk curdles and the jokes aren't funny -- is "License to Wed," the latest ghastly exercise starring Robin Williams." - San Francisco Chronicle
Why are bad reviews so much more fun to read than good ones? Oh that's right, because I'm a bastard. (sigh)
Jul 3 2007Oliver Stone Officially Part of Great Satan
"...and then the zionists will be consumed by the fires of Allah. Okay, next question - you with the ponytail, sugartits."
Iranian President Mahmoud Nahassapeemapoopypants has rejected a proposal by Oliver Stone to make a documentary about him, because Stone is part of the "Great Satan".
"I sent a negative answer by Ahmadinejad to Oliver Stone," said Medi Kalhof, the Iranian president's media advisor. "It is right that this person is considered part of the opposition in the U.S., but opposition in the U.S. is a part of the Great Satan."
In his defense, Ahmedinejad had just seen Alexander. For his part, Stone was upset, reportedly telling friends that the President's blue carpet and gold curtain rods would have looked really sharp on camera.
Jul 2 2007Monkey Hate Movie
My life-sized Jerry Bruckheimer cutout really comes in handy on Monkey Target Practice Day. Great shot, Mr. Farnsworth! Care for a smoke?
PETA claims to have received reports from the set of the Wachowski Brothers' Speed Racer that the chimp actor playing Chim-Chim was beaten after biting one of the actors.
A movie spokesperson confirmed that a chimp did chomp on a young actor, but said that the actor was treated and the animal was given a rest. She sent along assurances from the American Humane Society that no animals were being abused.
PETA reportedly isn't satisfied with these assurances, and is pushing producer Joel Silver to replace the live monkey with something more humane, like animatronics, or Russell Crowe.
Freaked out monkeys, a transsexual director, dominatrix mistresses - Jesus, it sounds like Michael Jackson's birthday party down there. The monkey wrangler obviously forgot the first rule of chimp handling - get your ape addicted to tobacco. Nothing soothes an angry primate like a relaxing cigarette.
Jul 2 2007Shoot 'Em Up Character Posters
As if Monica Belluci wasn't already one of the most beautiful women on the planet, the character posters for Shoot 'Em Up have knocked her up a notch with the implication that she's savagely murdered a militant dwarf.
See the Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti posters under the cut, and the trailer is here if you have no idea what Shoot 'Em Up is.
Jul 2 2007Jamie Foxx Wants Another Oscar
Two Zimas, please.
Jamie Foxx is set to star in Blood on the Leaves, a movie that sounds just like something those shrivs at the Academy would eat up, like so many prunes and cans of Ensure.
Based on Jeffrey Stetson's 2004 novel, the story centers on a district attorney who grapples with feelings of revenge as he prosecutes a black history professor on trial for the murders of white men accused of crimes against blacks during the Civil Rights movement.
The only way this could be more Oscar-pandering is if his character were also mildly retarded and persecuted by nazis. I'm often persecuted by Walgreen's employees. "Pay for that Hot Pocket!" they're always yelling. Fascists.
Jul 2 2007Beowulf and the Adventures of Sideboob
Beowulf's script was etched into stone tablets and storyboarded on a cave wall
Posters for Beowulf have hit the web and they're pretty underwhelming, save for some Angelina Jolie sideboob action, which I'm always down for. Neil Gaiman (hee hee, more like Neil Gay Man, zing!) wrote the script, which has Ray Winstone, Robin Wright Penn, John Malkovich, Anthony Hopkins, and Crispin Glover. I'm pretty excited for it. Maybe not guy getting hit in the nuts with a fish excited, but excited none the less.
Jul 2 2007Richard Roundtree Joins Speed Racer
Richard Roundtree has scored a role in the Wachowskis' live-action adaptation of Speed Racer as Ben Burns, a former racer turned commentator, leaving me and the rest of the movie news community scrambling for a way to fit the acquisition of this part into the "Theme from Shaft" lyrics. I decided to try for the "he's a complicated man..." part.
He's a former racing man,
but now he is a racing commentator.
Ben Burns!
I guess that works.
Jul 2 2007Marisa Tomei Still Acts, Has Tits
Call me a chauvinist pig, but there's nothing like a pair of bare breasts to brighten up a dreary Monday. What else do I even need to say here? Check out the trailer, after the jump.
According to her IMDB entry, Marisa Tomei is 42. If my breasts look anywhere near that good when I'm her age, I'll be a happy man.
Jul 2 2007Sunshine Extended Trailer - Fun With Death
Come on, don't act like you didn't know someone was getting burned alive in this movie.
Well folks, it's been a long weekend, so I'm just going to lube you up and ease you back into the swing of things with a couple trailers. First up, we've got an extended trailer for Sunshine, which, despite the title, actually looks kind of dark. On the plus side, it envisions humanity as being in danger of extinction when the sun begins to burn out, so we must've survived global warming. I'm saving the Earth, one day without pants at a time!
Jul 2 2007Lions for Lambs Teaser Trailer
Though Robert Redford's head is looking more and more like Robert Redford's hair wearing a Robert Redford mask made from an old baseball glove, he shows he's still got his directorial and acting chops hidden within in Lions for Lambs. Add Tom Cruise and Meryl Streep along with a timely political theme and you've got a film that's got Oscars circling it like the vultures that circle Robert Redford's aforementioned weathered head.
Watch the trailer here and wonder what the hell is with the soundtrack.
