Jul 27 2007'War' Clip
Lionsgate via comingsoon.net has this exclusive clip from War, the Jason Statham and Jet Li punch/kick/bang fest. Unfortunately, there aren't any martial arts in it, so it's basically a punch-free few minutes of bad acting. It's basically the action movie equivalent of watching a soft-core porn flick on USA.
Jul 27 2007A Bunch of Dark Knight Stuff
With the launch of another new viral marketing site by Warner Bros, supposedly made by The Joker, and more being done at ComicCon, new Dark Knight stuff has been flooding in.
You can apparently get an official HD copy of the already-leaked teaser trailer here, and there are more images and promo materials here. As a warning, I haven't finished downloading the trailer yet, so don't blame me if it's just more chipmunks eating poop.
Jul 27 2007Star Trek XI Poster Revealed!
Hot diggity--the new Star Trek poster has been unveiled! It's, um, the words. The words "Star Trek." The title, essentially. And there's some stars. One of the stars might be the one referred to in the title. Which is "Star Trek." As seen on this exciting new poster. For Star Trek.
Jul 27 2007Tim Blake Nelson Leads Hulk
Hulk villain The Leader demands a payback blowjob in five minutes.
Typically hillbilly-style character actor Tim Blake Nelson reportedly has a part in the new Hulk film as scientist-turned-villain Samuel Stearns. Like Hulk, Stearns is bombarded with gamma radiation that turns his skin green and grants him super intelligence at the cost of a phallic head. I'll reserve my judgment and trust they find a way to rationalize the super-genius villain having the voice of Goofy. Maybe if, when defeated, he throws his hat on the ground and shouts things like "Tarnation!" and "Dag-nabbit!" I'll accept it.
Jul 27 2007First Stills from The Eye
Bloody Disgusting got the first shots of Jessica Alba in yet another Japanese Asian horror remake, The Eye. While a woman screaming into an oven is probably one of the weakest, and possibly most misogynistic, images they could show, I'm grateful it's not some ghastly pale kid in mascara like I assume will be in every one of these remakes.
The Eye tells the story of a woman (Alba) that finds she can see into a supernatural world after receiving an eye transplant. She should be lucky she didn't get Jerry Orbach's eyes, which, of course, allow one to see wisecracks through crime scenes.
One more under the cut.
Jul 27 2007Drillbit Taylor Trailer
A script by Seth Rogen about three high school nerds paying a homeless man (Owen Wilson) to be their bodyguard seems like it would be can't miss comedy gold, but from the trailer I worry they really haven't made this Drillbit character quite "homeless" enough (by which I mean filthy and crazy). When I'm told I'm getting a hobo, I expect screaming, misery, and the general madness common of the street people. You know you haven't made a good hobo character when both Nick Nolte and The Boxcar Children are better vagrants.
Jul 27 2007Sweeney Todd Poster
Thanks to the wonder of ComicCon exclusives, Tim Burton's film adaptation of the Sweeney Todd musical now has a poster, and it's filled with more brooding than Morrissey listening to a Cure album.
If the use of a sole red object amidst a black and white scene reminds you of that girl with the red coat from Schindler's List, it's for a reason: after she was killed, she was made into this chair.
Jul 27 2007Flaming Cowboys: 3:10 to Yuma Clip
IESB's got an exclusive clip from 3:10 to Yuma. I'm not sure if I would have cast Ben Foster, the gay mutant from X3, as a badass cowboy who wears half-finger gloves, and I'm still not sure I'll buy him in the role.
But I'll tell you one thing, I'm definitely excited for an Elmore Leonard adaptation that doesn't involve the Rock playing a gay hitman.
Jul 27 2007Alvin and the Chipmunks' Hilarious Trailer!
I found this Alvin and the Chipmunks teaser trailer over on Cinematical, where the writer had this to say:
Alviiiiin! Ah, there's just something about seeing Alvin, Simon and Theodore sing Funkytown that just brings me back to my childhood, sitting at home with nothing else to do but watch those old Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoons. The first trailer for the new, updated version of Alvin and Chipmunks has just arrived over on Moviefone and -- I dunno -- it made me chuckle. Then again, I'm a sucker for these damn chipmunks.
Awesome, so seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks reminds you of your childhood... during which you also spent time seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks. It was nice of you to spell that out for us, I'm not sure if we'd have made the jump otherwise... Did your childhood also include getting hammered through your umbilical cord (btw, this is the most subtle fetal alcohol syndrome joke I will ever write)? I'm guessing business relationships over there require him to write that, because otherwise... wow.
Personally, I get the same feeling from the teaser as I do the poster: file this one under Garfield, Scooby Doo, Fat Albert, and the Darfur massacre.
Jul 27 2007Comic Con is Haute
Nacho cheese being the color that it is, you can never have too many t-shirts!
Looking to impress the ladies down at your favorite Hollywood hotspot? You'll be down right irresistible in this Star Trek t-shirt, the summer's hottest accessory!
In case you've never been to Comic Con, it involves bored-looking, criminally underdressed Hooters waitresses and semi-employed model/actresses passing out t-shirts like the one you see above while trying not to look repulsed by guys like this and this and this. There, I just saved you $50.
If you're in San Diego in July, I recommend the beach. There are just as many hot girls in skimpy outfits, and some of them are even underage!
Jul 26 2007Dark Knight Trailer is Hella Blurry
Here's an awful bootleg of the Dark Knight teaser trailer. You'll probably be all pissed at the crappy quality until you realize it's just sound over a Batman logo anyway. Supposedly it's going to play in front of the Simpsons movie tomorrow. HOLY CRAP I CAN'T CONTAIN MY BOUNDLESS EXCITEMENT! :-0 :-0 :-0
Jul 26 2007Cloverfield teaser poster
The teaser poster for J.J. Abrams' secret project Cloverfield has been released, although a leaked version originally had the word 'monsterous' across the top which has been mysteriously left out. The film still doesn't have a title, but sources have confirmed (contrary to speculation on the internet) that the monster isn't a parasite and isn't a giant robot (like Voltron). Which basically leaves Godzilla. Or aliens. Or my aunt Ruth. I'd go with Ruth, but I don't think the world is ready for a movie that scary. Put on a bra!
Jul 26 2007New Iron Man Image
Empire magazine has an exclusive new shot of Iron Man on the cover of their latest issue. I just wish they covered it up with more text, because I can almost tell what the hell I'm looking at. He's definitely angry and definitely beating up the ground. That much is certain.
Jul 26 2007Beowulf Trailer Makes Me Feel Old
The light emanating from my crotch is both intense and celestial. Bask in it, Angelina. BASK FOR ALL YOU'RE WORTH!
As you may have already inferred from the title of this post or your clairvoyant turtle, the trailer for Beowulf is now online.
I know Zemeckis totally has a boner for this live actiony animation stuff, probably because he's getting too lazy to properly film shit in his old age, but much as I try to keep an open mind, I hate it. It's not real enough to make me think I'm looking at real people, and it's not stylized enough to look cool as animation. Why the hell do I want to watch something drawn by people who aren't good enough to draw it freehand? "Hey, look what I drew on this tracing paper!" "Good job, that looks almost exactly like Garfield, and you managed not to eat the crayon this time."
It just looks like one of those stupid computer games where your little character walks around town and you start killing everybody because they're not real and watching them die is the only thing that's interesting. But then you can't make it to the next level because the object of the game was to make their crops grow and instead you brutally slaughtered them. I think Mao had the same problem.
Jul 26 2007Domestic Dragon Wars Trailer Not as Much Fun
The domestic trailer for D-War/Dragon Wars (jeez, pick a title, guys) is out, and I have to admit that it's not nearly as intriguing as the teaser I posted a few months ago. On the plus side, it does have the bouncer guy from Knocked Up.
God, CGI has really ruined the B-movie, hasn't it? Remember when bad movies would have to use prosthetics, makeup, and goofy costumes, and have to shoot the scenes in creative ways to disguise their low budget and lack of locations? Not anymore! Thanks to the magic of computers, every crappy movie can have big city backdrops and video game-looking bad guys! Jeez guys, just 'cause you can doesn't mean you should. But then I guess asking B-movie makers to have taste and restraint is like asking Anne Hathaway not to have fantasies about me.
Jul 26 2007Guy Ritchie - The Gamekeeper
Guy Ritchie had a hell of a time trying to get that "Madonna taste" out of his mouth
Guy Ritchie has signed on to direct a film version of his Virgin comic series The Gamekeeper.
Project revolves around the reclusive caretaker of a Scottish estate with infinite knowledge of the behaviors of all animal species. When the alleged killer of his son surfaces, the caretaker finds that Europe's urban jungle is not so unlike that of the natural landscape to which he's accustomed.
Macguyver meets Mean Girls, anyone? Ritchie is also directing Rocknrolla, a movie he wrote himself, later this year. He's hoping he can make the world forget about Swept Away. No word on whether Madonna is still doing that ridiculous English accent.
Jul 25 2007RIP, 'Lives of Others' Dude
Ulrich Muhe, star of The Lives of Others (Das Leben der Anderen), is dead of stomach cancer today at the age of 54. It's a bummer, because I thought he gave one of the best performances in one of the best movies of last year.
On the plus side, at least he went out on top - starring in an Oscar-winning, bona-fide hit. Poor Raul Julia, his last film was Street Fighter. They even dedicated it to him. What a crappy epitaph. Let this be a lesson to you, Cuba Gooding.
Jul 25 2007Homer Does Monologue, Schneider Does Lohan
"What? No, I'm not making bad topical jokes about the astronaut from two months ago and catholic priests, I'm pretending to be Lindsay Lohan! Because she totally does that! Get it? I'm an actor."
It was brave of him to play Lindsay Lohan as a hacky, old school comic, not a lot of people would've take that risk. By the way, anyone else notice that even with platform shoes on, Schneider's still a head shorter than Jay Leno? Is he like 4' 11"?
Continue Reading "Homer Does Monologue, Schneider Does Lohan"
Jul 25 2007Michael Moore Hates Homos. Er, HMOs
Michael Moore was on Hardball the other day, and, surprise surprise, he wore a hat. He also had some interesting advice for people having trouble with their health insurance providers:
MATTHEWS: If they're right now having a problem with their HMO, and they're not getting treatment for something they think is important, is it best to call their congressperson? What do they do to make sure the kind of thing that happened in your movie happens to them?
MOORE: Actually, what I tell people is, if you're having trouble right now with your insurance company, and they won't pay for something, go ahead and use my name, just say...
MATTHEWS: Say Michael Moore has been talking to me?
MOORE: Say that I'm coming, that you have talked to me personally. You have my permission to do that. In fact, at the end of this week, on my Web site, I'm going have a little like Sicko insurance card you can download, print it out, laminate it, and take it in and say that you're now part of my team, and that we're going to put you on the DVD if you don't help my child. And, so, I give blanket permission to anybody who wants to do that. Carry your Sicko card with you. And, actually, I got this idea because a number of people have already gone ahead and done it.
MATTHEWS: The guy did it in the movie.
MOORE: He did it in the movie.
MATTHEWS: Yes. Without your permission.
MOORE: And he just said, 'Michael Moore is coming'. I never met the guy. The guy just went ahead and said, 'Michael Moore is doing this film.' And, like a week later, the insurance company said, 'OK, we will pay for your daughter's ear operation.'
MATTHEWS: God, there's nothing like a little blackmail. (LAUGHTER)
I offer a similar service to anyone who's in an argument with someone who likes Entourage. They'll be all like, "But dude, it's got hot chicks on it and it's hella tight!" Instead of trying to argue with them, just hand them a card with my picture on it and say "Watch your back, motherf***er." Then let me know where they live and I will take a dump on their lawn.
Jul 25 2007Alex Proyas Vis a Vis Silver Surfer
"Robert Patrick? Yeah, big-time queer. What? No, that's just what I heard."
An MSN article that interviewed Marvel head Avi Arad included the following tidbit:
“He declined to say the director's name, but there has been speculation Australian director Alex Proyas was being wooed to direct the film adaptation of another Arad project, Silver Surfer.”
Naturally, nerds are all abuzz about it; whether Silver Surfer deserves a spinoff, whether the guy who did Dark City and The Crow jumped the shark with I Robot, etc. Anyway, "there has been speculation" sounds a lot like "I got stoned last night and thought it might be cool if" to me, so while you dorks chew all this over, I'm going to enjoy a clip from the Simpson's where they go to Australia.
Jul 25 20073:10 to Yuma Poster
For those of us for whom it's been far too long without seeing Russell Crowe's ass, here's the 3:10 to Yuma poster (larger version here). Or maybe it's Christian Bale's ass. Heck, it could be a stunt ass. Look, all I know is it's a sexy cowboy with his back to me and I have a boner.
Jul 24 2007Norbit Director to Rock Jailhouse
"Look, kid: big-time acting isn't about 'feelings' or 'emotions', it's about funny costumes and talking loud. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a shave."
Not content to rest on his laurels (what the hell is a laurel, anyway? Is it like a butt cheek? How come you never hear anyone say, 'Hey, check out the laurels on that broad,' or, 'Golly, I'd sure like to get all up in them laurels,'?) after directing Norbit and producing Wild Hogs, Brian Robbins has signed on to direct Jailhouse Rock, a true story based on "a musician-turned-detention officer at Arizona's Tent City who decides to hold an American Idol-type singing contest at the jail. Called Inmate Idle Singing Con-Test, the event became so popular that Alice Cooper himself showed up to judge the finals."
It's a Disney flick, so expect less forced dry anal and more Cuba Gooding (who's as charming as forced dry anal, coincidentally). But perhaps I should go easier on the B-man. He recently shot back at his critics:
He cannot -- for the life of him -- understand how a film like Norbit could score so well with audiences, yet be universally panned by critics. He says, "How do you figure that? Is the audience that stupid? Is America's taste that bad? I don't think so."
To answer his rhetorical question, yes, the audience is that stupid, and yes, America's taste is that bad. Has he never been to the YouTube comments section? As my friend Bret says, "It's like the internet is passing the microphone around at a global retard convention. 'And you, sir. Yes, the gentleman in the back without pants or a chin. Could you elucidate your feelings about a dozen topics you don't know shit about? And please, use as little punctuation as possible. Thank you.'"
So, yeah. Jailhouse Rock! Get excited!
Jul 24 2007Zachary Quinto Looking Like Spock
Zachary Quinto, star of NBC hit Heroes, is reportedly in final negotiations to play the legendary Mr. Spock in J.J. Abrams' Star Trek XI prequel. Obviously the look is amazing, but what's bizarre to me is that I first saw this as some internet fan's good idea with accompanying photoshop job a week or two ago. Does this mean that the internet's idiotic photo manipulations finally being willed into reality? It can only be a matter of time before we're faced with millions of middle-aged guy heads on young, muscular bodies, celebrities with pixelated semen dripping from their mouths, and, perhaps most terrifying, cats literally laughing out loud.
Jul 24 2007Drew Carey to Host Price is Right
Last night on The Late Show, Drew Carey announced he will be the new host of The Price is Right, taking over for Bob Barker. Now, I think they could have found a much better or much worse replacement for the recently retired host, but my main issue is just that they're continuing the show at all. I mean, really, what's the point? It's not like PiR is actually some great, revolutionary game show idea. Watching the hour-long show, like a visit to a dying grandpa, was done out of a sense of duty, nostalgia, and mild amusement with the outdated decor. You can't get rid of grandpa and expect me to keep visiting his house, even if he's been replaced with a younger, slightly funnier grandpa with thick glasses.
Question of the day: Will anyone be willing to run up and kiss Drew Carey?*
*including family members.
Jul 24 2007Paula Abdul Out of Bratz, Her Mind
You've probably already seen this clip by now, but it was just too good to pass up. I've never watched the Paula Abdul reality show, but after this clip I may start. I need more reasons to hate life and there aren't any Kinko's nearby.
So apparently Paula Abdul's been fired from the Bratz movie. I was confused as to why they'd fire their biggest fan, but then I realized they meant the Bratz movie, not the Brätz movie. Anyway, she loses it completely. "Where's God when you need him?" She asks.
She's so right: how could you let this happen, oh Lord? Were you out carelessly preventing genocide, or the rape of a starving child? You obviously dropped the ball. I mean come on, this is the BRATZ MOVIE we're talking about here.
Jul 24 2007Darjeeling Limited Trailer
After long last, the much-anticipated Darjeeling Limited trailer is now online. Hopes I have for this movie:
1. That it wasn't just an excuse for Wes Anderson to play grab ass in India for three months. Seriously, dude loves India.
2. That it will give Adrien Brody something cool to be known for besides making out with Halle Berry.
3. That Jason Schwartzman's performance will further postpone me hating him for being a Coppola.
4. That if it turns out to be really good it won't become a hipster phenomenon and thus force me to hate something I love.
5. Maybe the dick in the popcorn trick will finally pay off? Thankfully, elementary school girls keep getting gullibler.
Jul 23 2007More Watchmen Casting News
With an official announcement rumored for ComicCon in less than a week, the cast for Zack Snyder's Watchmen is an issue ripe with rumor. Now two more names have surfaced for roles in the film, with news that Matthew Goode will play Ozymandias, while Malin Akerman has nabbed the role of Silk Spectre. I'd never heard of either of them until this news, but I will say I like how the limited budget is forcing more unknowns into the roles. Also, I will say that Matthew Goode seems to be more neck than man.
Jul 23 2007Iron Man's Hand Thingy
This EW exclusive shot of Tony Stark's hand armor thing reveals on of Iron Man's biggest weaknesses: aside from his rampant alcoholism, he's often far too serious about "giving it up." Granted, it's warranted when you've just defeated a supervillain, but this guy thinks an exceptional burp deserves a high five.
Jul 23 2007Stephen Chow to Play Kato?
The blogosphere (read "nerds") is up in arms about the news that Seth Rogen wants Stephen Chow to play Kato in the new Green Hornet movie he's writing.
Stephen Chow is both Asian and does kung fu, so I don't know what people are whining about.
Jul 23 2007Superbad Clips
IESB posted six new clips from Superbad this morning. So, you know, if you're into that whole thing...
Personally, I plan on actually seeing this movie, so I won't be watching any of these clips. To me, that'd be kinda like picking the toppings off a pizza before you even put it in the oven. I mean, sure it tastes good, but you know you just totally screwed over your future self. Anyway, if you're keeping score at home, that's Similes: 1, Exclusive Clips: 0.
Jul 23 2007This is England Director Has Skinhead Experience
This looks like the opening shot of one of those Saturday morning commercials, before Yahtzee/Super Soaker/Jenga/Action Man comes along and changes everyones' lives
A while back, I brought you the trailer for This is England, where Tommy from Snatch plays the head skinhead.
Anyway, the New York Times has an interview with Shane Meadows, the director, in which he talks about the movies and some of his own experiences as a skinhead.
“I never made it clear I was a skinhead before because I’d been to National Front meetings, and because of what happened at the end. But to understand your darker side, you have to dance around the fire. As a filmmaker I don’t shy away from showing the truth, and I don’t think I did as a kid. Although I was misguided at times, I respect the fact that I was searching for something.”
I guess it helps to actually know what skinheads do if you're going to make a skinhead movie. In the skinhead movie I wrote, the characters mostly ride horses and drink soda. I should've hired a consultant.
Jul 23 2007Trick 'r Treat Trailer
X2 and Superman Returns scribe Michael Dougherty has put together what looks to be a promising return-to-form for the horror genre with his directorial debut, Trick 'r Treat. With this and Rob Zombie's Halloween heading our way this October, it would seem studios are trying to create some sort of spooky theme based in the fall for some reason.
Jul 23 2007Crap Rules Box Office, Travolta Rules My Nightmares
Despite a heavy-handed marketing effort, Hairspray couldn't compete with worse-reviewed Chuck & Larry or Harry Potter.
If people are looking for a reason why, they need look no further than the picture of John Travolta in drag above. I don't care how good you tell me this movie is, that is the scariest thing I've ever seen. I had a nightmare that I was buried alive inside a coffin with the re-animated corpse of Tammie Faye and it was less scary than that (too soon?).
I would rather see Knüt the polar bear get electrocuted to death by Michael Vick than see two hours of John Travolta in drag. I would rather fall asleep with Shia LaBeouf gently nibbling my earlobe than see this movie. Okay, maybe that last one's not such a good example, but still man, like, creepy.
Jul 23 2007Pulow to Play Punisher, Punisher Greenlighters Go Unpunished
A listful Stevenson had hoped to one day be famous enough for this to be considered career suicide
The internets are now reporting that Thomas Jane's replacement in Punisher 2 will be Ray Stevenson, better known as Titus Pulow from Rome. I have to admit, this is probably the best casting since Forrest Whitaker as Idi Amin or Morgan Freeman as Mandela. Titus Pulow was the only character on Rome arguably more gangsta than Marc Antony.
Still, Punisher 2? Really? Couldn't we just have a Rome movie instead? They've already made two horrible Punisher movies, they shouldn't get another chance. Even Taco Bell fires you after you make your second or third Puberrito (and no, Mrs. Lindeleaf, I'm not sorry. Now who's 'acting inappropriate'? Bitch.).
Jul 23 2007Troll Suspicions Confirmed
Last week I brought you news of a Troll remake. This is what I said:
Well, first they'd replace the random B-listers like Sonny Bono, and the troll would probably end up being played by Eva Longoria. Then they'd take out the awesome lo-fi effects and replace it with CGI. And instead of something disturbing and hilarious, you'll get a mediocre video game.
Now comes the official press release regarding the remake:
Buechler has signed on to remake his cult classic film, which they hope will also launch a new animated television series and line of toys. The new film will likely be more family friendly, and done on a much larger scale with digital effects. The producers claim they are in talks with some “major A list talent”, and that director Buechler would also like to reunite the cast in cameo roles.
Kneel before me, I can predict the future! I'm like a God that doesn't judge you for masturbating!
