Jul 13 2007Bill Engvall Helps TBS Stay A Crapfest
"Painfully obvious mundane observation, honey." "Yes, dear, quip stolen from Mary Tyler Moore that was snappy 30 years ago." [canned laughter]
Next week is an important time in my life. Besides my little sister's operation - don't ask, the little bitch hogs all the attention as it is - TBS will be premiering The Bill Engvall Show. That's right, the network that brought you America's Funniest Home Videos* reruns and edited movies with ridiculously dubbed profanities like "Yippie kai-yay, Mr. Falcon!" is now giving one of those lame-brained, milquetoast rednecks his own show.
This following their premiere of Tyler Perry's House of Payne, they might as well add NASCAR and rename it the Shit Vince Doesn't Get channel (SVDG). But it makes sense that they'd want to balance out a show that no white people watch with one no black people watch. It's nice to thumb my nose at things and still be able to feel colorblind.
Jul 13 2007December Boys Trailer
The box office numbers and I finally agree--Daniel Radcliffe makes a great orphan wizard! The makers of December Boys got my fax about this startling discovery, but seem to have favored the less interesting aspect of the orphan/wizard role when making their film. In this melodramatic coming-of-age tale, Radcliffe plays one of four orphan boys (none of whom play Quidditch or fight evil wizards) taken on a holiday by the sea, where they face the sudden realization one may be adopted. Having seen the trailer, I'll tell you it never answers why some f***ing orphans are getting better vacations than me.
Jul 13 2007Cuba Gooding Jr.'s Career Circling the Bowl
Dear God, don't turn the camera sideways! ARRGGGGHHHH!
The brains behind Daddy Day Care apparently were so pleased with themselves that they decided to make a sequel, and the trailer's now online.
Oh boy. What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said about the holocaust? Hey, remember when Cuba Gooding Jr. won an oscar? Since then he's been in Snow Dogs, Pearl Harbor, Boat Trip, and Norbit, among other things. I could wipe my ass with my resume after a big glass of Metamucil and it'd still have fewer turds on it than his (but probably more porn).
For the love of God, man, get a new agent. Burn the old one for fuel. It can't be fun making movies for the family-too-dumb-to-notice-something-sucks crowd.
PS - More like Cuba BAD-ing! Zing!
Jul 13 2007More Funny Talker Trailers
Above-ground pools are where the magic happens
As you may have noticed, it's a bit of a slow news day, but luckily there's no shortage of new trailers. This one's Introducing the Dwights, an Aussie flick about a horny dude with a mom who's a comedian, a dad who's a lounge singer, and a brother who's a retard.
It looks the kind of annoyingly "quirky" indie that critics swoon over, even though they'd shit on them mercilessly if they were major studio releases. But then again, it could surprise me, like Little Miss Sunshine. At the very least, the chick in it looks like a hotter version of Amy Smart with a sweet accent.
And of course I'm excited for retard-on-retard action. I dated a girl with Down Syndrome once. She could do incredible things with that thick tongue of hers.
Jul 13 2007More Skinheads!
Considering the "unique" aesthetic qualities of the purebred Anglo, you'd think they'd be desperate for outside additions to the gene pool.
In keeping with the Death Sentence-inspired skinhead theme, I bring you the This is England trailer (once again, I apologize for being too stupid to know how to embed these things properly. Seems the only things I know how to properly bed are supermodels. *sigh*, Been this way since I was a child)
Anyway, even though I'm an open-minded, colourblind gent who has bedded women of all races, religions, and states of consciousness, I must admit that I love a good skinhead movie. American History X, Romper Stomper - it's nice to know that a good headbutt or curb stomping is just around the corner. Reminds me of Thanksgiving dinners I had growing up.
Jul 13 2007Death Sentence Trailer: Bacon H8s Skinheads
The trailer for Death Sentence is now online. It appears to involve Kevin Bacon going to war with a gang of skinheads because his son sucks at hockey or something. It's good news if your friends are always throwing white supremacy figures at you during games of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
The movie also has Aisha Tyler, that chocolate skinned goddess who I used to fantasize about during her days as the host of Talk Soup. Mmm, I can just picture us having a brood of cheerful mulatto children who would sing and dance while I stirred a steaming pot Cream of Wheat on the stove. But perhaps I've just been watching too many newsreels from the 30s.
Jul 13 2007Bill Maher Makes the Baby Jesus Cry
Original Onion caption probably says it best, "Bill Maher spends all night arguing with Republican hooker"
In keeping with the heated political discussions we've recently been having in the iwatchstuff.com comments section, today I bring you the news that Lionsgate will be releasing Bill Maher and Larry Charles' anti-religion documentary, A Spiritual Journey.
The film is said to “examine the presence of religion in many of the big news stories of recent years, from Muslim riots over cartoons to the Ten Commandments in front of courthouses, a born-again Christian in the White House and Scientology in the birthing room," and director Charles describes it as “Bill Maher vs. the Anti-Christ (or is Bill Maher the Anti-Christ?)”
I have no knowledge of whether he's the anti-Christ, but I do know that he's banged Ann Coulter, and if Joaquin Phoenix has taught me anything, it's that, "You dance with the devil, the devil don't change - the devil changes you."
He also taught me that hairlips can be sexy. No trailer for this yet, but stay tuned.
Jul 12 2007Choke on Anjelica Huston
Anjelica Huston on the set of 'Gremlins'
Anjelica Huston is set to play Sam Rockwell's mother in the upcoming movie adaptation of the Chuck "Holy Shit Do I Ever Need a Pen Name" Palahniuk's (Fight Club) novel Choke. Besides Rockwell, she joins Kelly MacDonald, Brad Henke, and newcomer director Clark Gregg, who also wrote the script.
Aside from the fact that I've been waiting for this movie for a long time, it reminds me of a little story - so if you'll allow me a little autobiographical license...
Jul 12 2007Posters: Kevin Bacon's Revenge
So here's the poster for Kevin Bacon's latest, Death Sentence. It's based on a book by Brian Garfield, stars Bacon and John Goodman, and is "about a man who witnesses the murder of his oldest son, and goes on an elaborate quest of revenge as a result."
I love revenge movies. Heck, when I started writing for this site, I tried to get them to change the name to "yeahTina.howyoulikemenow.youwhore.com", but I got outvoted.
Jul 12 2007Indiana Jones Teaser Footage
George Lucas: Lesbian Cat Lover, Sunglass Enthusiast
Since the sexy world of movie blogging is basically sniffing the air every time Harrison Ford looks like he's going to fart, I figured I might as well post this teaser clip from Indy 4.
If you remade this clip to be about my life, it'd just be a quick cut montage of a cat masturbating, a pink speedo, and an angry barn owl.
Jul 12 2007Doomsday Photos
Lesbo-erotic swordplay is pretty much my favorite thing
With a headline like that, normally you'd get photos like this. But since I'm feeling extra literal today, they're actually photos from Neil Marshall's upcoming movie, Doomsday. Here's the rundown:
"In the action-packed new thriller from writer/director Neil Marshall ("The Descent"), authorities brutally quarantine a country as it succumbs to fear and chaos when a virus strikes. The literal walling-off works for three decades – until the dreaded Reaper virus violently resurfaces in a major city. An elite group of specialists, captained by Eden Sinclair (Rhona Mitra), is urgently dispatched into the still-quarantined country to retrieve a cure by any means necessary. Shut off from the rest of the world, the unit must battle through a landscape that has become a waking nightmare."
Now, normally I'd say, "How clever, you've recycled the plot of 28 Days Later and District B13." But what made The Descent a pretty good watch was the fact that it was really schlocky and sort of tongue in cheek. If he can bring the same sensibility to this, who knows. Plus, you know, tits.
Jul 12 2007Katharine McPhee Joins Cast of Female Animal House
If St. Peter is anything like me, this picture will be Tyra's admission ticket to heaven.
In case you haven't heard (oh wait, I'm supposed to tell you about this kind of stuff, right?), Happy Madison is working on a sorority comedy with a mostly female cast. Anna Faris will play a Playboy bunny who gets kicked out of the mansion and becomes house mother to the lamest sorority on campus. McPhee will reportedly be playing a "pregnant hippie chick".
The pic was written by the duo behind Legally Blonde and will also star Emma Stone, Rumer Willis, and Kat Dennings. And probably a couple people Sandler went to high school with.
Okay, so normally I'd be embarrassed to write an American Idol-related post, but what can I say? She's got big jugs. Throw some big jugs on those starving Ethiopian kids and hell, I'd probably become a professional fly shoo-er.
Jul 12 2007Michael Moore Hates Fag Haters
Taking a break from his busy schedule of buying baseball hats and not jogging, Michael Moore recently hinted to The Advocate that his next project may be homophobia in America.
I am not sure what I am going to do for my next film, but I certainly believe that I have no right to tell another couple whether they can or cannot be married. There is nowhere in the four Gospels where Jesus uses the word homosexual, nor the word abortion. The right wing has appropriated this guy. It makes you think, what someone can do in your name a thousand years from now. [Laughs] And they have used him to attack gays and lesbians, when he never said a single word against people who are homosexual.
If it does happen, you can be sure of one thing: Fred Phelps will make an appearance. And I'm sure he'll tell you that Jesus was just going through a rebellious phase when he wasn't gay bashing, because his dad certainly hates them.
Personally, I always thought homophobia was despicable. But I have to admit, the Hairspray posters give me second thoughts.
Jul 12 2007Ben Affleck Directs, Kevin Smith Swoons
New technology actually allows us to take pictures from inside Kevin Smith's ass
Ben Affleck has spent so much of his career doing shitty movies and getting engaged to annoying Puerto Rican chicks that many people forget that he got his big break as a writer of a movie that won an academy award. And winning an academy award for a movie without retards or nazis is tough (though I guess Will Hunting was supposed to be kind of a savant).
Anyway, the trailer for his directorial debut, Gone Baby, Gone hit the web a few days ago. It stars Ed Harris, Morgan Freeman and overshadowed brothers Casey Affleck and Robert Wahlberg (and I'll eat a dog turd if this motherf***er didn't go by "Bobby" his entire life). The flick's an adaptation of a Dennis Lehane (Mystic River) novel, and Affleck wouldn't be Affleck if it didn't involve some wicked quee-uhs and lose-uhs from Beantown.
Predictably, Kevin Smith loves it. "It’s one of those movies where you watch and you’re like [groan] First time out? He made a better movie than I’ve ever made. That jerk! And he’s easier to look at, richer, I hate him so much! And not many people know this, but he has the anus of an 8-year-old Korean boy."
Okay, maybe I made that last part up. And sadly, I could only find one clip of Affleck on SNL, but it forever redeemed my opinion of him. "So I'm feedin' mah ferret, in the nute, as ah do..."
Jul 11 2007Michael Moore Blitzes Wolf
Michael Moore was on Wolf Blitzer's show yesterday, and CNN made the mistake of showing a piece by Sanjay Gupta where he attempts to refute some of the facts Moore makes in Sicko with Moore sitting there the whole time. And I must say, Gupta does somewhat of a lame job of it - pointing out that Americans spend $6,096 on health care a year rather than the $7,000 Moore claims, among other things. Ooh, hard hitting.
Anyway, by the time Moore got on he was all full of piss and vinegar and basically berated Wolf Blitzer for being a p**** for fifteen minutes.
Jul 11 2007New Bee Movie Trailer
So we've got this big stinger, but we can only use it once, and then we're dead. Can you imagine that? You're a shark, and you've got this big mouth full of teeth, then, soon as you try to take a bite out of a seal or something; poof! That's all she wrote. It's just ridiculous. Am I supposed to get 72 bee virgins in the afterlife or something? I mean what. is. the deal?
A new trailer for Bee Movie is out, and I'm not sure what to think about it. As Mark pointed out, the whole fifth wall (you know, the one between anthropomorphic insects and humans) has been broken down.
The only thing I really have to add to that is, anyone else think Seinfeld is starting to sound like Jimmy Fallon's impression of Seinfeld? Gold star for anyone who can find video of this - how it's not on YouTube I'll never know.
Jul 11 200710,000 BC Teaser Trailer
Even months after working with Emmerich, many of his actors find that they can scarcely look at a green screen without bursting into tears.
IESB has a teaser trailer for Roland Emmerich's upcoming 10,000 B.C. It's hard to infer much from this - it sort of looks like it's about a sabre tooth tiger who eats electricity. But judging by Emmerich's track record (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow), I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's going to be expensive and shitty.
Yahoo!'s supposed to have the full trailer tomorrow, so stay tuned. Or don't, what the f*** do I care.
Jul 11 2007Wesley Snipes Evades Taxes, Theatres
"Like my outfit? Churches are tax exempt, you know."
Ever wonder what happened to Wesley Snipes? You know, the guy from Passenger 57? Well now, thanks to the magic of DVD, you can find out. Check out this clip from his latest straight-to-DVD opus, The Contractor.
I like how he just shows up to work and doesn't really have to say anything. Seriously, I don't think this dude's had more than half a page of dialogue since White Men Can't Jump. He's like Wile E. Blackdude.
Jul 11 2007Star Trek XI: Nimoy In, Shatner Out
In this clip, William Shatner explains that Leonard Nimoy has seen the script and will be in Star Trek XI, with the former Vulcan claiming there's no part for Shatner. I suppose it's only fair, considering Shatner has an Emmy, a Golden Globe, and a steady gig at Priceline, while Nimoy has this.
Jul 11 2007I'll Have Another Footloose, Extra Gay, Hold the Bacon
I wish I was queer.../so I could get chicks
Seems that someone out there has discovered that 12-year-old girls have plenty of disposable income and love musicals (I discovered that their panties smell nice, but that's neither here nor there...). Since writing new musicals is kind of hard, Paramount decided to remake Footloose, which was, like, kind of a musical.
The regrettably Bacon-free remake will star Zac Efron (High School Musical, Hairspray) and will be directed by Kenny Ortega (like the chili). The 1984 original, of course, told the story of a rebellious newcomer to a town where dancing has been banned.
It reminds me of my hometown. A place where most folks just couldn't understand that inside this masculine adonis in a crotch-stuffed leotard breathes the soul of a dancer!
Jul 11 2007Cheadle and Pearce Star in Political Thriller from...Steve Martin?
"Naw, fool. Hold the gun sideways, like I done taughtchoo. And cut that nasty ass hair."
Yep, you read that headline correct - I mean, I think you did, having no prior knowledge of your dyslexia... Don Cheadle and Guy Pearce are set to star in Traitor, a thriller about an undercover CIA agent (Cheadle) who infiltrates a terrorist cell but in the process may have become a terrorist himself. Pearce plays an FBI agent investigating him.
The film will be written and directed by Jeffrey Nachmanoff, and is based on an original story by Steve Martin. Yes, that Steve Martin.
[Producers]Hoberman and Lieberman had been developing the project since early 2002, when Martin approached the duo on the set of "Bringing Down the House," which they were producing. Martin told them to meet him in his trailer because the actor had a thriller he wanted to pitch. Hoberman and Lieberman thought Martin was joking and didn't show up. Martin approached them the next day and asked why they didn't meet him.
Bringing Down the House co-star Queen Latifah reportedly campaigned hard for a role in which her character would teach Pearce how to "act street" to help him infiltrate the terrorist cell, and in the process, learn a little about love. Her idea was vetoed and she spent the rest of the afternoon eating cake batter.
Jul 11 2007Sleuth Trailer
With Kenneth Branagh at the helm and Michael Caine (of the original) starring with Jude Law, will the retelling of Sleuth be one of the few remakes to actually near the quality of its predecessor, or is this just Law's excuse for re-popularizing Hulk Hogan's hairstyle? You decide!
PS: The strange CGI targeting effects in the trailer make me think I've turned into a Terminator.
Jul 10 20071-18-08 Trailer Officially Up
After pulling all the bootlegged trailers from YouTube, Paramount has finally decided we're worthy of seeing the trailer to J.J. Abrams' secret project, thus far being referred to as 01-18-08 or Cloverfield. Now that I've finally seen the home video-style footage in high definition, it really makes me hope the rest of the movie is shot this way, and that Bob Saget does funny voices over it.
Jul 10 2007Broken English: More Hollywood Daughters Make Movies
Her look of dissatisfied indifference reminds me of every woman who's ever seen me naked.
The trailer for Broken English is now online. Other than the fact that they stole the "Hap-penis" joke from The Beverly Hillbillies, I don't have all that much to say about it. Written and directed by first timer Zoe Cassavetes (that's right, daughter of John), I smell another Sofia Coppola - you know, a privileged chick who has oodles of taste and style but not a f***ing thing to say?
But then again, Parker Posey's a solid actress who may be able to carry a movie. Plus, I find her oddly attractive, like the shy babysitter who breastfeeds you when your mom's not around. Oh, and Drea De Matteo is in it, and she has an AC/DC tattoo on her hoo-ha.
Jul 10 2007Get Smart Teaser Trailer
The teaser trailer for the remake of '60s classic Get Smart has been released, leaving me at a loss as to how to best express my outrage at what they've done with it. It appears Steve Carell has sorrowfully reached the Jim Carrey level of stardom where he's given scripts that include pages of "Steve acts funny, etc."
I guess I should wait until the full trailer to completely shit on this, but I'm at least going to wipe with it for a while.
EDIT: I put up the YouTube version for easier viewing.
Jul 10 2007Jet Li and Jackie Chan to Do Chinese Things
An angry Lo Pan reeves my racist soul.
As my 7th grade teacher Mrs. Chang taught us, the Chinese are reknowned for their action films as well as their kung fu prowess, mathematics skills, and ineptitude behind the wheel. That's why it's so nice to hear that Jet Li and Jackie Chan, those two Chinese tiger-dragons of action cinema, are teaming up for Forbidden Kingdom.
In this re-telling, an American teenager (Michael Angarano) discovers a staff which transports him to ancient China where he joins in a quest to return the staff to the Monkey King. Jet Li plays the dual role of the Monkey King and Silent Monk while Jackie Chan will play a kung fu master named Lu Yan.
This should be good, because Chris Tucker isn't in it, and any Chinese actor in Hollywood, pretty much the first thing you learn is how to play is a monk or kung fu master. There are only two things that I can think of that would make this movie better:
1. Lo Pan
2. The American teenager should always be addressed as "Young Round-Eye"
Jul 10 2007Fred Claus Teaser Trailer
Every time Vince Vaughn grows an undereye bag, an angel gets its wings.
Watching the Fred Claus trailer, it's hard for me not to do a balancing act, like some sort of well-hung Lady Justice with 20/20 vision (thanks, LASIK). On one side you've got Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Kevin Spacey, the director of Wedding Crashers, and an apparent lack of Tim Allen. On the other, you've got... a Christmas movie. With elves. And people falling down in the trailer.
To bash it or not to bash it, which way will the scale swing? At tough times like these, I always turn to Onanism, my only true friend.
Jul 10 2007August Rush Trailer: Rhys Meyers to Play Straight Again
"Cocaine's a hell of a drug..."
August Rush "tells the story of a charismatic Irish guitarist and a sheltered young cellist who have a chance encounter one magical night above New York’s Washington Square, but are soon torn apart, leaving in their wake an infant, August Rush, orphaned by circumstance." I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that before the credits roll, they will "make beautiful music together." Crotch music.
This will give Jonathan Rhys Meyers another chance to pretend he's straight. No offense, but this dude's gayer than Vin Diesel at a glory hole. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
UPDATE: Just did a google search on Rhys Meyers. According to Scarlett Johansson, "He's a really sexy, brooding guy, but he's very gossipy. He likes shoes, and it was like having a girlfriend on the set."
Jul 10 2007Billy Crudup Going to (Dr.) Manhattan
A reliable source has told CHUD that Billy Crudup may be the next to join Zack Snyder's Watchmen adaptation. The Jesus' Son star is reportedly up for the role of Dr. Manhattan, the naked, super-powered bald part first offered to Keanu Reeves and rumored for Jason Patric.
With Little Children co-stars Patrick Wilson and Jackie Earle Haley already reportedly in the cast, Watchmen is shaping up to be the most credibility shoved in tights since Walter Cronkite's last "pantyhose party."
Jul 9 2007Two-Face AND Riddler in Dark Knight?
Following earlier rumors that Anthony Michael Hall would play Edward Nygma in The Dark Knight that I took with a grain of salt, more reports are apparently coming in that he actually is in the Riddler role after all. Go figure.
Furthermore, spies near the Batman set are saying they've seen Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart) in full (half?) Two-Face makeup, meaning the dramatic transformation to villain may indeed occur in this chapter.
This brings the villain list to:
- The Joker (confirmed)
- Scarecrow (nearly confirmed?)
- Edward Nygma, AKA The Riddler (rumored)
- Harvey Dent, AKA Two-Face (confirmed, but maybe not as villain yet)
- Hitler (confirmed as villain, but primarily versus Jews)
- Heart Disease (still America's greatest killer; unconfirmed in Batman, confirmed in burgers, bacon)
- Yourself (somehow you always knew it)
Jul 9 2007First Look at Will Smith in John Hancock
Just Jared has graciously provided us with the first look at Will Smith in John Hancock, the story of a superhero who has fallen from grace and the affair with his publicist's wife. Either that or it's one of those BumFight videos where they've hung a hobo by some wires.
More here.
Jul 9 2007Marky Mark, Darren Aronofsky, and Matt Damon
Wahlberg on the set of "Guy Hard"
Marky Mark Wahlberg, rappin' underwear model/actor sextroardinaire, recently seemed to confirm that Darren Aronofsky will be directing his latest project, Fighter.
“The Fighter” tells the true story of underdog boxing champ “Irish” Micky Ward (Wahlberg) and his trainer/brother Dick Eklund (Damon), following their lives from the rough-and-tumble streets of Lowell, Massachusetts to an internationally-herald [sic] bout at the world championships.
Says Wahlberg: “The whole thing is to make it look real,” he said. “I want to do these guys justice. We don’t want to do any over-the-top, unrealistic fight scenes.”
You want nothing over-the-top, so you got... Darren Aronofsky? The guy whose drug movie included amputated arms, cracked out grandma's, and chicks going butt to butt at a party? Whose love story included both knights and spacemen? Personally, I blame the Massachusetts public school system.
Jul 9 2007More Indiana Jones Rumors/Photos
The rumor mill over at Aint it Cool News is saying the new Indiana Jones film will try to bring the series full circle, with our favorite archaeologist again seeking out the Ark of the Covenant. Next time we get a magic religious artifact we'll know better than to just throw a "top secret" sticker on it and put it in a warehouse.
Additionally, Indy producer Frank Marshall has pleased fans by going on the record that the involvement of George Lucas won't mean tons of CGI, saying:
Steven is very aware of the process and we're not cheating with CG (computer graphics) at all. It keeps the B movie feel.
Lucas currently has artists hand-painting a goofy sidekick character frame by frame.
And finally, thanks to Tyler for sending in some more shots from the Indiana Jones IV New Haven, CT set that confirm a chase scene will occur with period vehicles, not, as previously thought, giant mechanical dinosaurs. See them below the cut.
Jul 9 2007The 11th Hour Trailer
Continuing the trend put forth by An Inconvenient Truth, actor/actvist Leonardo DiCaprio has enlisted a team of documentary filmmakers to make his own plea for environmental change. From what I can gather from the trailer, he seems to be suggesting humans might in some way be responsible for destroying the earth. Interesting idea, but "wrath of God" seems like a much simpler and more popular explanation.
