Jul 6 2007Catacombs Trailer
Taking an invite from her sister (played by Alecia Moore/Pink/P!nk), Victoria (Shannyn Sossamon) goes on a trip to Paris that leads her to a hard-to-find rave. As if the dangers of Ecstacy use and eardrum damage from the hot beats weren't bad enough, she soon finds herself stranded and pursued in the titular catacombs.
The trailer didn't do much for me, and the release has been delayed for some time, but I know it has to be good with P!nk involved. Our light-red darling would never attach her name to anything sub-par (besides Ski to the Max, Rollerball, and all of her music).
Jul 6 2007Lust, Caution Trailer Hides Language
The trailer to Lust, Caution, Ang Lee's newest, looks dramatic, sexy, exciting, and suspiciously free of dialog. It's almost as if they don't want us to realize it's in Mandarin! Nice try, Ang, but I don't go to the movies to read. That's what books and take-out menus are for, jackass.
Jul 6 2007Danny Boyle Says Ewan McGregor is Soft
The invention of the "Scottish Filter" allowed Boyle to shoot love scenes with his countrymen, whose skin tones made the operation impossible with earlier technology.
In a recent interview on Kurt Loder's MTV show, I Can't Believe I'm Still Alive, Danny Boyle says it might be a while before we see a movie version of Porno, Irvine Welsh's sequel to Trainspotting. The main reason being that the cast of the original don't look old enough yet.
We won’t be able to do it for a while because the guys don’t look any different. They haven’t aged at all! They give this impression to the public that they’re out drinking and smoking, when in fact they are in a spa somewhere in the country!
Danny Boyle must shout a lot! Or maybe the writer just had too much coffee! Anyway, don't fret, fans - Kevin Smith's already making a Porno movie. Except in Smith's version, the nihilistic Scottish drug addicts will be replaced by neurotic Jersey douchebags who argue about Star Wars in stilted dialogue.
Jul 6 2007Michael Bay Talks Smack
Bay and Rock at this year's skinny whiteboy convention
According to Deadline Hollywood Daily, Michael Bay posted (and then quickly un-posted) a mini-rant about two of his producers, Don Murphy and Tom DeSanto, trying to take credit for creative aspects of Transformers, despite having no input and not having actually seen the movie yet. Taking creative credit for a Michael Bay movie before you've even seen it? Dangerous. That's like rawdogging Paris Hilton and then bragging about not having herpes before you've gotten tested.
Anyway, this one's not nearly as interesting as Judd Apatow's email fight with the That 70's Show guy, but it is notable in that it has far fewer grammar mistakes than I would expect from the guy who directed Pearl Harbor.
But what made my blood curl [sic] was something that was on the Net with Tom at the Saturn awards on IESB.net where they interviewed him about the movie – a movie I might add he had not seen yet. He acted very much like he did. Check it out as he vamps through the questions, and how Hugo put his 'thumb print on it'. Give me a break, the guy was lying through his teeth - he had seen nada, nothing, until the press screening.
Jul 6 2007Angry Black Woman Directs Petey Greene Movie
"When white people stir their tea they be all like...."
Kasi Lemmons, whom you may remember from such roles as "Angry Black Woman" (seriously, it's the first listing on her IMDB page), directed a biopic about D.C. radio personality Petey Greene starring Don Cheadle. Check out the trailer at Apple.com.
Don Cheadle is one of the best actors around, and this one looks like it has potential. On another note, can you imagine a white guy named "Petey"? A white guy named Petey reminds me of the neighbor kid with Down Syndrome who wears a helmet and jacks off in the front yard. And yet somehow a black dude named Petey sounds like a smooth talking brother who drives a convertible. (sigh)
Jul 6 2007Shoot 'Em Up Trailer: Tits, Fire, and Motley Crüe
T 'N F
Shoot 'Em Up stars Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and Monica Bigtitserino, looks like a cross between Snatch and Smokin' Aces, and was written and directed by Michael Davis, a dude I've never really heard of before. I'll be honest, the trailer looks promising. It reminds me of the day when action movies, even the shitty ones, had over the top bad guys, awesome one liners, and of course plenty of tits and fire. This was before people like Jerry Bruckheimer replaced these things with inane plot twists, talking animals, and Nic Cage.
After at least half a decade of piece of shit, PG-13, Paul Walker vehicles*, perhaps this is a return to form? Let's hope so. But I also remember thinking the Independence Day trailer looked awesome, so who knows.
*From Encyclopedia of Stuff Vince Hates, Volume P
Jul 5 2007Good Luck Chuck Red-Band Trailer
A red-band trailer for the Dane Cook/Jessica Alba comedy Good Luck Chuck has found its way online, complete with F-words and cum shots or whatever it is that makes trailers red-band. I haven't watched it out of fear it will make the sting that much greater when Cook or one of his fans inevitably steals my girlfriend, beats me up, and drenches me in their Coors-scented piss. But you should feel free to enjoy it.
Jul 5 2007Cloverfield Teaser Trailer
If you decided to fight your instinctual love for giant robots and avoided Transformers over the holiday, you not only missed an illogical story--you missed the Cloverfield teaser!
A cloud of secrecy surrounds the project, with the teaser not even mentioning the title, but it seems to imply a giant, Godzilla-style monster attacking New York. And I'll be quite honest, after all the roaring and massive destruction of property seen above, I'm going to be pretty pissed if it's not a colossal monster. It would be like showing me a coffin and a girl with a couple holes in her neck and telling me you're not giving me a vampire movie, except Godzilla monsters are much cooler since they're not drenched in strange goth kid mystique.
Unfortunately, with J.J. Abrams producing and a Lost writer as scribe, the movie will probably last three seasons beyond your caring.
If the above link goes down, or for a differently angled bootlegger's take, try this.
EDIT: I fixed my spelling.
Also, Paramount seems to have eliminated all traces of this trailer. Comment if you can find it still existing somewhere.
Jul 5 2007The Jane Austen Book Club Trailer
The trailer to The Jane Austen Book Club somehow manages to combine all the reasons I'd never join a Jane Austen book club with all the reasons I'd never see a movie. In it, several women (I didn't count or notice how many) collect to discuss the works of Jane Austen but soon discover their own love lives are mirroring those of Austen's characters. Like how Monster Squad gave groups of kids that loved monsters the dream of one day encountering real ones, TJABC gives hopes to lonely middle-aged women they might one day find a man willing to tolerate their boring obsession with a long-dead author (though they are equally unattainable goals).
Jul 5 2007The Invasion Poster
The new poster for The Invasion looks very good to me because it effectively communicates the film's two key highlights:
1. That they've made Invasion of the Body Snatchers into a much darker, serious sci-fi thriller than its predecessors, as seen in the recent trailer.
2. That they've hired only Aryan actors.
Jul 5 2007Alvin and the Chipmunks Poster
Alvin and the Chipmunks was never anything amazing, and even as a kid I never fully grasped why these giant, intelligent chipmunks were able to live in the human world fairly unnoticed outside of some relative fame as singers (rather than as the mutant freaks they were). However, I was fairly certain Hollywood was going to somehow take my mediocre memories of the series and destroy them yet again in their big screen, semi-live-action adaptation.
I couldn't have been more wrong! Look at this poster! They've cleverly made the chipmunks look like old school rappers! Just as Jason Lee implies with his expression and relative size, I want to eat these fellas up! I know what I'll be asking for come Christmas: tickets! (to this movie)
Jul 4 2007Superbad Interview
Yeah, so happy fourth of July, f***ers. Obviously, this won't be my first post while intoxicated, but it is the first on a holiday. Don't expect this in the future. --End Disclaimer.
Anyway, bottom line, comingsoon.net has an interview with Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow about Superbad, and dammit if they don't say all the right things:
"To us that was the big joke. The injustice in movies was that no one in high school movies truly talked and act how we would in high school," Rogen explained. "Just the fact that we were in high school and could swear all the time was just a novelty to us. It was the first time you weren't around your parents all the time or in an elementary school so we would go crazy and have the most filthy conservations. We just hadn't seen that in movies really."
A high school movie starring high school kids, written when the writers were in high school, in high school vernacular. Well shit, it sounds like a fine idea to me, and I commend the studio for being as supportive as Rogen says. Wow, what a f***in' fanboy post this is. Drinking really does take the edge off.
Jul 3 2007Eastern Promises Trailer
David Cronenberg re-teams with his History of Violence star Viggo Mortensen and adds Naomi Watts in his latest effort, Eastern Promises. When Watts finds a diary that gets her involved with a notorious crime family, she gets in the most dangerous adventure with a journal since Indiana Jones hid his father's Grail diary from the Nazis. Or when Anne Frank hid her standard diary from the Nazis, for that matter. My point is that mobsters and Nazis hate written daily recollections of events.
Jul 3 2007Girls Gone Wild Has Stupid Employees
Each day, these girls struggle just to find clean vodka and cocaine. Your contribution of just $19.99 a month can change all that. Please, think of the whores.
Tranae Hammond, a former sales representative for Girls Gone Wild, is suing the company for *snicker* sexual harassment.
According to court papers, Hammond's supervisor touched and massaged Hammond's shoulders and arms, frequently spoke about sex in front of her, and on at least one occasion "tapped (her) buttocks with a clipboard."
Holy shit, if that's a crime, I'm a capital offender. I may be my only employee, but I've done a lot worse than tap my ass with a clipboard.
But, if you're reading this, Ms. Hammond, I don't mean to poke fun at your plight. No one who works at a class establishment like Girls Gone Wild should ever have to endure such treatment. I'm sure you could find a much more respectful environment over at Bumfights, Backyard Wrestling, or Faces of Death.
Jul 3 2007Germans Say 'Nein' to Cruise Once and For All
"Ve hate you, Tom Cruise." "Yah, like, stay avay from aur monuments."
After early reports that Cruise's alien worship were hindering Valkyrie's ability to get the necessary permits, and subsequent denials by German officials (apparently they're sensitive about the whole 'hating people for their religion' thing, go figure), the Finance Ministry has declined producers of the film permission to shoot at the Benderblock, a Defense Ministry building where German officer Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg, played by Cruise in the film, was executed for attempting to assassinate Adolf Hitler.
A Finance Ministry spokesman said the memorial, a "place of remembrance and mourning, would lose dignity if we were to exploit it as a film set." Another request to shoot at a Berlin police station was rejected after "intensive review," according to a spokesman for the Berlin police department. "The adverse impact to the facility would be so grave that the request had to be denied."
And by adverse reaction, he no doubt meant the evil spirits of dead aliens bent on the destruction of Scientology's new closeted-homosexual messiah. On the plus side, "Benderblock" totally reminds me of "Bend the Block", which in turn reminds me of this kickass commercial with a funny Asian guy.
Jul 3 2007License to Wed is Really Good
The trio had differing reactions to the kilo of cocaine on the table
License to Wed is currently tracking at 8% on Rotten Tomatoes, putting it well on its way to finding a spot on their 100 Worst list. Spawning a million "Divorce", "Annulment", and "Say I Don't" headlines, here are some other words of praise it received:
"Comedies don't get much lamer than License to Wed," -Hollywood Reporter
"Not only is License to Wed Creepy, it's not remotely funny." -Cincinnati Enquirer
"Williams has become a comedic glass ceiling, a black hole of laughs that guarantees every scene he's in will make nails on a chalkboard sound appealing." -Metromix.com
"There's bad, there's awful and there's horrible, and then somewhere beyond that, in its own Kingdom of Lousy -- where all the milk curdles and the jokes aren't funny -- is "License to Wed," the latest ghastly exercise starring Robin Williams." - San Francisco Chronicle
Why are bad reviews so much more fun to read than good ones? Oh that's right, because I'm a bastard. (sigh)
Jul 3 2007Oliver Stone Officially Part of Great Satan
"...and then the zionists will be consumed by the fires of Allah. Okay, next question - you with the ponytail, sugartits."
Iranian President Mahmoud Nahassapeemapoopypants has rejected a proposal by Oliver Stone to make a documentary about him, because Stone is part of the "Great Satan".
"I sent a negative answer by Ahmadinejad to Oliver Stone," said Medi Kalhof, the Iranian president's media advisor. "It is right that this person is considered part of the opposition in the U.S., but opposition in the U.S. is a part of the Great Satan."
In his defense, Ahmedinejad had just seen Alexander. For his part, Stone was upset, reportedly telling friends that the President's blue carpet and gold curtain rods would have looked really sharp on camera.
Jul 2 2007Monkey Hate Movie
My life-sized Jerry Bruckheimer cutout really comes in handy on Monkey Target Practice Day. Great shot, Mr. Farnsworth! Care for a smoke?
PETA claims to have received reports from the set of the Wachowski Brothers' Speed Racer that the chimp actor playing Chim-Chim was beaten after biting one of the actors.
A movie spokesperson confirmed that a chimp did chomp on a young actor, but said that the actor was treated and the animal was given a rest. She sent along assurances from the American Humane Society that no animals were being abused.
PETA reportedly isn't satisfied with these assurances, and is pushing producer Joel Silver to replace the live monkey with something more humane, like animatronics, or Russell Crowe.
Freaked out monkeys, a transsexual director, dominatrix mistresses - Jesus, it sounds like Michael Jackson's birthday party down there. The monkey wrangler obviously forgot the first rule of chimp handling - get your ape addicted to tobacco. Nothing soothes an angry primate like a relaxing cigarette.
Jul 2 2007Shoot 'Em Up Character Posters
As if Monica Belluci wasn't already one of the most beautiful women on the planet, the character posters for Shoot 'Em Up have knocked her up a notch with the implication that she's savagely murdered a militant dwarf.
See the Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti posters under the cut, and the trailer is here if you have no idea what Shoot 'Em Up is.
Jul 2 2007Jamie Foxx Wants Another Oscar
Two Zimas, please.
Jamie Foxx is set to star in Blood on the Leaves, a movie that sounds just like something those shrivs at the Academy would eat up, like so many prunes and cans of Ensure.
Based on Jeffrey Stetson's 2004 novel, the story centers on a district attorney who grapples with feelings of revenge as he prosecutes a black history professor on trial for the murders of white men accused of crimes against blacks during the Civil Rights movement.
The only way this could be more Oscar-pandering is if his character were also mildly retarded and persecuted by nazis. I'm often persecuted by Walgreen's employees. "Pay for that Hot Pocket!" they're always yelling. Fascists.
Jul 2 2007Beowulf and the Adventures of Sideboob
Beowulf's script was etched into stone tablets and storyboarded on a cave wall
Posters for Beowulf have hit the web and they're pretty underwhelming, save for some Angelina Jolie sideboob action, which I'm always down for. Neil Gaiman (hee hee, more like Neil Gay Man, zing!) wrote the script, which has Ray Winstone, Robin Wright Penn, John Malkovich, Anthony Hopkins, and Crispin Glover. I'm pretty excited for it. Maybe not guy getting hit in the nuts with a fish excited, but excited none the less.
Jul 2 2007Richard Roundtree Joins Speed Racer
Richard Roundtree has scored a role in the Wachowskis' live-action adaptation of Speed Racer as Ben Burns, a former racer turned commentator, leaving me and the rest of the movie news community scrambling for a way to fit the acquisition of this part into the "Theme from Shaft" lyrics. I decided to try for the "he's a complicated man..." part.
He's a former racing man,
but now he is a racing commentator.
Ben Burns!
I guess that works.
Jul 2 2007Marisa Tomei Still Acts, Has Tits
Call me a chauvinist pig, but there's nothing like a pair of bare breasts to brighten up a dreary Monday. What else do I even need to say here? Check out the trailer, after the jump.
According to her IMDB entry, Marisa Tomei is 42. If my breasts look anywhere near that good when I'm her age, I'll be a happy man.
Jul 2 2007Sunshine Extended Trailer - Fun With Death
Come on, don't act like you didn't know someone was getting burned alive in this movie.
Well folks, it's been a long weekend, so I'm just going to lube you up and ease you back into the swing of things with a couple trailers. First up, we've got an extended trailer for Sunshine, which, despite the title, actually looks kind of dark. On the plus side, it envisions humanity as being in danger of extinction when the sun begins to burn out, so we must've survived global warming. I'm saving the Earth, one day without pants at a time!
Jul 2 2007Lions for Lambs Teaser Trailer
Though Robert Redford's head is looking more and more like Robert Redford's hair wearing a Robert Redford mask made from an old baseball glove, he shows he's still got his directorial and acting chops hidden within in Lions for Lambs. Add Tom Cruise and Meryl Streep along with a timely political theme and you've got a film that's got Oscars circling it like the vultures that circle Robert Redford's aforementioned weathered head.
Watch the trailer here and wonder what the hell is with the soundtrack.
