Jun 29 2007First Look at Shia LaBeouf in Indy IV
JustJared has a few shots up from the set of Indiana Jones IV, where we've been treated to the first look at Shia LaBeouf in-costume. There were rumors he was playing Indy's son, but these images seem to imply he's either Fonzie or a street-wise lesbian.
Jun 29 2007The Simpsons Movie Site Allows 'Simpsonification'
The Simpsons Movie site now has an amazing avatar feature where you can make yourself into a Simpsons character as easy as you make yourself into a tennis player in your little Wii thingy. Unfortunately, the system is more basic than I'd like, so if you have any distinctive characteristics like glasses, braces, or open sores, you're going to have to do without.
Do it for yourself here and see who you can make. I tried to do 'Unabomber' Ted Kaczynski, but I'm certain there are better options.
Jun 29 2007Lindsay Lohan Playing Paris Hilton?
In news that's given the editorial staff of Us magazine huge boners, Lindsay Lohan is rumored to be in talks to portray Paris Hilton in a movie about her life, with Britney Spears supplying the music! Besides the obvious issue--that Paris Hilton hasn't done anything in her life worth telling--I don't see why Paris wouldn't be playing herself. In case you missed The Hillz or National Lampoon's Pledge This!, Ms. Hilton is fully capable of delivering riveting performances, and has in-essence been playing herself for years, being that she is a completely disingenuous fraud.
So is casting a coked-up party girl as a coked-up party girl the best casting ever or a huge cop-out? Would you feel differently if they were casting one freakish, alien-worshiping closet homosexual as another (John Travolta playing Tom Cruise, or vise versa)?
Jun 29 2007Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium Trailer
243-year-old magic toymaker Mr. Magorium (Dustin Hoffman) decides to retire, putting his hot, boy-haircut-sporting associate (Natalie Portman) in charge. Unfortunately, he also employs a stodgy accountant (Jason Bateman), who fulfills accountant stereotypes by denying the existence of magic and fun. There must be a larger conflict somewhere, but I didn't notice it.
If Rip Taylor ever gets wind of Hoffman's performance, he's going to be seriously pissed he didn't get the part.
Jun 29 2007Jim Carrey to Poke Fun at Addiction
"Growing up in Canada, all I ever wanted was to be in Miami Vice"
Jim Carrey will be the star and producer of the upcoming comedy Sober Buddies. What's it about? Glad you asked, douchebag!
Andrew Kurtzman is writing the script, about a hard-partying software exec assigned a court-appointed Sober Buddy to keep him under control during a critical business trip to Las Vegas. A perfect plan falls apart when the Sober Buddy (Carrey) falls off the wagon.
What can I say, Jim Carrey has made some funny movies, and I'm one of the few people who think he's decent as a dramatic actor (Eternal Sunshine). Still, Fun with Dick & Jane was probably the most painfully unfunny movie since Corky Romano. Can the writer of Down Periscope and See No Evil Hear No Evil get him back on track? Who cares, I'm drunk. It's Friday, you don't have to wait till noon. I think Jesus said that.
Jun 29 2007Cameron Diaz' Horrifying Box
"Don't go in my vagina..."
Yup, you guessed it, this entire post is basically an excuse to write that headline. The story is, Donnie Darko director Richard Kelly is directing a horror movie called The Box in which Cameron Diaz is set to star.
Kelly wrote the script based on Richard Matheson short story "Button, Button." Diaz will play a young woman given a mysterious box by a stranger. She's told that certain things will happen depending on which buttons she presses.
*snicker* I guess they decided "Button, Button" wasn't a clear enough vagina reference.
Other headlines for this story:
'Box' is a dark place for Diaz (Hollywood Reporter)
Kelly Taps Cameron Diaz's 'Box' (RopeofSilicon)
Diaz and her Box (JoBlo)
Cameron Diaz in Richard Kelly's Box (Coming Soon)
Cameron Diaz's magic swirling underoos end up in Richard Kelly's BOX!!! (AICN)[Editor's Note: LAME, as usual.]
Cameron Diaz Climbs Into Richard Kelly's "Box" (Rotten Tomatoes)
Jun 29 2007Rush Hour 3 Poster - Same Shit, Different Place
Well, the Rush Hour 3 poster is out, and it's about as underwhelming as I imagine the movie to be. "This summer, they're kicking it in Paris." Yeah, that about sums it up. Same ingredients, same mediocre movie, except this time Brett Ratner gets to waddle his pudgy ass around gay Parie. It's where he belongs, he loves cheese.
Jun 28 2007'That 70s Show' Guy Wished Judd Apatow Cancer
Judd Apatow buying Mark Brazill a tampon
Okay, so this email exchange is like six years old, and was published like five years ago. I'm posting it because A. I'd never seen it before today, and I'm better than you; and B. Judd Apatow is much more of a household name now than he was then. Oh, and I've also written about him being accused of thievery recently, and this is related.
Jeez, enough with the foreplay, right? Anyway, back in the day, Judd Apatow and That 70s Show creator Mark Brazill had a bit of an email feud. Brazill accuses Apatow of thievery, and closes emails with things like "Get cancer. Love, Mark" and "Until then, die in a fiery accident and taste your own blood." You should really read the whole thing. Fun times. Enjoy.
"Don't have a cow, man" by Judd Apatow and Mark Brazill (Harper's Magazine)
Jun 28 2007New York Stock Exchange Bars Michael Moore
Michael Moore was scheduled to do a press conference today from the New York Stock Exchange in which he was to call for Wall Street investors and Main Street consumers to divest themselves of HMO, health insurance, and drug company stocks, but he was barred from it, presumably by NYSE officials.
I asked a few gentlemen who work on the floor for comment on the incident, but all they would do was make a series of esoteric hand gestures and shout unintelligibly.
Jun 28 2007Willem Dafoe Back to Vampirism
Speaking in a recent interview, Ethan Hawke, already connected to the futuristic vampire picture Daybreakers, revealed that he will be dueling fellow vampire Willem Dafoe in the film, and also that he's growing his hair out for the part. Hawke, his blonde locks showing signs of progression, explained that the plot is set in a distant future overrun by vampires, at least one of whom has long hair. Brushing his lengthening bangs from his forehead, the actor went on to say that the vampires have exhausted their resources for blood, leaving them fighting for the final humans.
If you missed the heavy-handed political undertones, the long-tressed actor elaborated, "It's a big analogy about what's going on now," before adding, "It's really dark and weird and everybody's sucking each other's blood," proving that he is actually an 8th grade girl.
Jun 28 2007Germans Deny Hatred of Scientology, Seem Less Cool
"Thetaaaaaaaaaan!!"
Despite previous reports that Germany had barred Valkyrie from shooting at government locations because of star Tom Cruise's outspoken beliefs in alien ghosts, German officials are now saying shooting was not banned at all. One of the locations houses part of the German defense ministry, and it was that, not thetans, that kept Valkyrie from getting permits.
If anything, it would be the lights and cables and camera teams that could disrupt work at the Defense Ministry, [German official]Kuehnau said, adding that if an arrangement is found where filming does not interfere with government business, a filming permit should be no problem.
Kuehnau added, "And anozza sing, zat whole 'holocaust' story vas vay, vay offablown."
Valkyrie, the story of Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg, a national hero who was executed in 1944 for attempting to assassinate Adolf Hitler, was written by Christopher McQuarrie and Nathan Alexander and will be directed by Bryan Singer. Bryan Singer, Chris McQuarrie, and Nazis? Shit, I'll see that even if mormons are in it.
Jun 28 2007According to Jim Hangs On
To the relief of a saddened nation, ABC announced that they will allow the continuation of the hilarious antics of Jim Belushi and his sitcom family on According to Jim. After six seasons of providing the world with banal, family-friendly humor, there was concern that Jim, a strong alpha male with a gentler side, and his feisty wife Cheryl would no longer continue to hold up a mirror to the middle-class white household. In the absence of Everybody Loves Raymond, AtJ serves as a beacon of truth, reminding us how women and men behave through innocuous gags and references to liking shopping or sports.
With this hefty feather in their comedy cap, ABC will surely continue to set the definition for comedy like they're Merriam-Webster.
Jun 27 2007Clive Owen Forced to Hold Babies to be as Attractive as Me
Owen was full of murderous intent until the baby ghost of Jerry Garcia floated up from the floorboards and taught him a thing or two about peace, love, and onesies.
In Michael Davis' upcoming Shoot 'Em Up, the gimmick is Clive Owen carrying a newborn baby during a gunfight for much of the movie. It would've been easier to just do a documentary about me, as I often cradle newborns in my arms while bedding supermodels, beating up terrorists using only my feet, and arm wrestling manatees - but I digress.
The rub here is that the babies will be real, not fake steaming piles of CGI, like in Children of Men. Says Davis:
If we would have shot here in LA, the rule of shooting with an infant is that they can only be in front of the camera for a half hour a day. I didn't know that. But, when we went up to Canada, the babies could work for eight hours a day. They can work 15 minutes on in front of the camera and then they need a 20 minute break. But, we had twins so virtually we could have a baby whenever we wanted. It eased it up a lot.
Have a baby whenever he wants, who is this guy, Kevin Federline? *rimshot* Anyway, I'm glad he was able to shoot with those commies up there in Canuck-land, whose child labor laws are notoriously lax. Might as well have shot the movie in China. Babies there are already working in sweat shops and doing kung fu. Then again, maybe that's why kids grow up to be such pussies in LA.
Jun 27 2007Avatar Alien Revealed?
A spy for JoBlo has send in an image that he claims is the first look at one of the aliens from James Cameron's huge 3-D sci-fi epic, Avatar. Apparently taken in a nebula by the world's shittiest cell phone, the creature looks to be some sort of strange mix between Predator and Tron. On the other hand, the picture might just be of this guy.
Jun 27 2007Be Kind, Rewind Drives Miss Daisy
Shirt from the closet of Steven Seagal.
Another shot has turned up from Michel Gondry's Be Kind, Rewind, in which Jack Black and Mos Def are forced to re-create movies after accidentally erasing the entire rental store. Can you guess which film they're re-enacting here, ignoring the title where I blatantly give it away?
That's right, it's Driving Miss Daisy, my favorite pro-slavery movie. Extra points go out to the makeup department for adding the signature Morgan Freeman freckles to Mos Def.
Jun 27 2007Larry Fishburne is Not Illiterate
Larry Fishburne on the set of SupaFly Space Gypsy
Laurence Fishburne and an independent production company have bought the rights to the movie version of Paulo Coelho's novel The Alchemist. Fishburne wrote the script and is also set to direct.
He directs AND writes! And to think, all this time I just thought he had a soothing voice, strong yet gentle hands, and a substantial, but not unapproachable male endowment.
Jun 27 2007Sam Raimi is Nerd Baiting
Sam Raimi never let a receding hairline stand in the way of his desire to grow emo bangs.
In an effort to further smear mud on the retainers of everyone who criticized Spider-Man 3 for having too many villains (oh shit, I was one of those people, wasn't I?), Sam Raimi now says he'd like to see Spider-Man 4 with, like, six villains.
I would love to see Electro, Vulture, maybe the Sinister Six as a team.
Honestly though, I wouldn't read too much into this. Despite what the dorks on the other movie blogs are spitting about this, the source article they're quoting from is basically about Sam Raimi saying nicely that he's not coming back for a fourth Spider-Man. So when he talks about the number of villains that might be in it, he's just talking out his ass. Kind of like the time he told me my utility belt was just an extra long red vine and that my loin cloth had fallen off. Yeah, sure buddy, whatever you say.
Jun 27 2007De Niro and Pacino Together for Only 50 Cent
50 Cent to star in movie about a Civil War re-enactor and his lesbian, cat-loving best friend
Word around the campfire is that De Niro, Pacino, and 50 Cent are all coming together for Righteous Kill, where 50 reportedly will play a drug dealer who helps detectives De Niro and Pacino catch a serial killer.
Hard to say whether 50'll be able to pull it off (so far Snoop in Training Day is the only rapper ever to give a decent performance in a drama) but one thing is for certain, he'll be talking through his teeth.
Oh, and since there isn't a script yet, all of this could be bullshit. Having an actual script to shoot is often the last step in Hollywood - must be why they make such consistently great cinema. Go America!
Jun 27 2007The Brave One Poster
In The Brave One, Jodie Foster plays a woman whose fiancé and safety are taken from her after a brutal attack, turning her to a life of vigilante justice. So why is Macaulay Culkin on the poster?
Jun 26 2007Indiana Jones First Day Shooting Diary
Though it lacks the emotional power of Schindler's List, Steven Spielberg has thrown together a short video of the first day of shooting Indiana Jones IV. Are you ready for all the fedora-wearing, whip-cracking adventure you've been waiting 18 years for? Well, keep waiting a bit longer. But if you're excited to see a bunch of old guys in baseball caps and sunglasses--two of whom happen to be Steven Spielberg and George Lucas--watch this clip.
Is anyone else as bothered as me to see Lucas on the set? I know he's key in the development, but you can almost see how he's already plotting from the sidelines, "How could I work in a goofy, computer-generated sidekick and some of my much-appreciated humor?"
Jun 26 2007Hitman Teaser Trailer
I appreciate that they've thrown some choral music over the new trailer for Hitman to dull the blow of stupidity, but I can still tell it's retarded. Just like church.
Jun 26 2007Queen Latifah Wants Steve Martin to Play Steve Martin
Malkovich Malkovich?
The planned remake of All of Me has Queen Latifah and Adam Shankman (Hairspray remake) already attached to the project, but so far there haven't been many rumors about who will play Steve Martin's role. Queen Latifah, who won an Academy Award for creativity, reportedly thinks the part should go to Steve Martin.
"He is really a physical comedian, a physical actor," Latifah said of Martin, citing him as the kind of star whose exceptional career longevity could allow him to remake his own performance nearly a quarter century later. "I’m sure he could pull it off."
In other news, the British government has announced that it has downgraded Queen Latifah's title from "Queen Latifah" to "Princess Dipshit".
Jun 26 2007Beverly Hills Cop 4 - No New Movies Ever!
Eddie Murphy visiting Spike Lee on the set of The Blackest Eskimo
Lorenzo Di Bonaventura reportedly wants to do another Beverly Hills Cop movie (since the last one was such a masturpiece), but the studios aren't sold on the idea of Eddie Murphy going back to R-rated stuff. Says Di Bonaventura:
I think it's going to be a really interesting debate and it's one we're going to have for a while. That's what I want [an R rating]. Will you guys call Paramount and tell them that? The studios says their research is telling them PG. I'm with you. I won't do it if it's PG-13.
One wonders if this "research" also decided Norbit was a good idea. "Well, our studies show that Eddie Murphy + fat suit = money. This idea can't fail." But regardless of how they feel, I have a solution. The studios don't want to jeopardize Eddie Murphy's family friendly status, but no one wants to see an emasculated Beverly Hills Cop. Fine. Solution? Charlie Murphy.
See that, morons? That's why you have to wear a suit to work and I don't even have to wear pants. Masturbating at our desks is the one thing we seem to agree on.
Jun 26 2007'Iron Man' Cast Photo
People in comic books grow facial hair
Here's a new cast photo from Iron Man. It doesn't come out for a year! Get excited! Okay, that'ts enough, snap out of it. It's time to go to work and the shit's not going to shovel itself.
Jun 25 2007Kill Bill 3 and 4
Just when you were ready to lay down some cash for Kill Bill: The Whole Bloody Affair, which finally merges the two volumes of the kung-fu epic, word has come that volumes 3 and 4 have been plotted and may shoot in China. The new chapters would involve the daughters of the Bride's victims seeking revenge, and knowing QT, that revenge will likely involve swords and enormous amounts of blood.
Now it's time for the grueling wait for the four-part box-set to be released sometime around 2045, but it will be worth it--did I mention it's a hologram and comes in pill-form?
Jun 25 2007Darjeeling Limited Pictures
Unable to compete with Adrian or Owen in the "Hollywood's Ugliest Nose" contest, Jason Schwartzman grew a mustache.
Some new pics from Wes Anderson's latest project, Darjeeling Ltd., have hit the web. The movie is said to maybe or possibly not be about three brothers who trek through India in search of an albino tiger that they believe is their reincarnated father.
My father was reincarnated as a ham sandwich. Damn that was a good sandwich. R.I.P, pop.
Jun 25 2007'Captivity' Release Party to Include Monkey Knife Fights
Don't cry, Elisha, someday you'll meet a real grizzly
Captivity Producer Courtney Solomon is planning a movie release party that will include SuicideGirls, a cage fight hopefully featuring Kimbo Slice, and an undisclosed main event that he says is "probably not legal."
Meanwhile, Captivity's official website says the movie is rated R, for strong violence, torture, pervasive terror, language, sexual material, and "grizzly images," so maybe we'll get to see Elisha Cuthbert get f***ed by a bear. I mean, one can only hope.
Thanks to Brendan for the tip, who's something of a bear himself.
Jun 25 2007Hugh Hefner to Get Ratnered
Once you've been Ratnered you never feel truly clean again. (Miss July 1998, Lisa Dergan)
Brian Grazer optioned Hugh Hefner's life story a few years ago, and now Brett Ratner is set to direct. Grazer said he knew Ratner was the right man for the job when he saw Johnny Drama refuse to leave his hot tub until he'd gotten a part in Rush Hour 3. Nothing says famous like shitty guest spot on Entourage.
This should be good. Hugh Hefner is a great man, and the only thing that's better than a movie about big-titted women is a movie about big-titted women that Chris Tucker yells at.
