Jun 15 2007China Trims the Chow Yun-Fat
A typical Chinese man.
Always eager to show off their knack for censorship, Chinese officials have reportedly cut Chow Yun-Fat's Pirates of the Caribbean screen time in half after finding our caricature of a Chinese man far less entertaining than we do. A Chinese magazine said that the captain's bald head, facial scarring, and long beard and fingernails are typical of Hollywood's demonizing of the people. Strangely, scenes with Lo Hung, the buck-toothed bespectacled dry cleaner of the ship, and Xi Chan, the karate-chopping math expert, along with several references to a dropped silverware naming policy were left in the film. Officials noted in a hysterical accent, "It's funny because it's true!"
Jun 15 2007New Transformers Poster
This new poster for Transformers makes it pretty obvious that Optimus Prime is just a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot they've painted some flames on.
Jun 15 200710 Minutes of Die Hard Are....Eh?
I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom
10 minutes of Live Free or Die Hard (or as I like to call it, Die Hard 4: Someone is Trying to Die Me, Hard, but I Wanna Live Free and Not Die. Hard.) is now online at Yahoo Movies Japan. Medium Quality Version, High Quality Version
Judging by this, I'd say... eh. I'm not sure. It looks like they got the wisecracking down, but the music's a little much and I'm a bit worried they've turned John McClane into superman. But what the f***, I'll give it a chance. 'Cause I mean it's either go see that or bang supermodels. My life is so predictable.
Jun 15 2007Batman's New Suit
Someone named Zejr's subscription to Entertainment Weekly brings us the first look at the new Batman costume from The Dark Knight, the first of many ploys to sell nerds and children more action figures. The updated suit has a more segmented look and a separate, motorcycle helmet-style headpiece that will finally allow the caped crusader to turn his head. Here's one dude that's done with verbal negatives--it's all head shaking from here on out.
Jun 15 2007Hairspray Clip Makes me Die on Inside
"For the last time, my son is NOT autistic!"
The MTV movie blog has an exclusive clip from Hairspray. This is noteworthy in the sense that, in less than two minutes, it manages to squeeze in almost everything I hate about bad movies: stilted dialogue, cross dressing, poorly executed regional accents, "sassy" black people saying "sassy" things for "comic" relief, bad fat jokes, ugly people, and many more. Since watching this clip, I have the sudden urge to suck ten dicks.
Jun 15 2007No Country for Old Men Trailer
Brains!
This looks like it could be the darkest Coen Brothers movie yet. Plus it has Tommy Lee Jones? And appears to have a scene where a guy gets his brains blown out with an air compressor? Count me in.
Oh, and maybe I could get a hold of that air compressor so I could go back and watch Pirates 3 again.
UPDATE: I couldn't get the video to embed correctly, but you can watch the trailer here
Jun 15 2007Reeves Says No to Manhattan
"Thanks, but I'll pass. Also, whoa."
According to Club Keanu, the rumor that Keanu Reeves was offered the part of Dr. Manhattan in the upcoming Watchmen adaptation is indeed true, though the actor has turned down the role. I'm somewhat surprised he wouldn't take it, since it seems like this thing's going to be a pretty big deal, but still not nearly as surprised as I am with the existence of a "Club Keanu."
Jun 14 2007Triumph at the Tonys
Okay, so maybe this isn't technically "news", but Triumph makes my insides feel like a million baby polar bears. My liver, on the other hand, looks like a scrotum full of varicose veins. Someday you'll thank me for that visual.
Jun 14 2007David Goyer to Help Hollywood Suck Its Own Ass
If I was invisible, I would live in Marisa Miller's bathtub.
David Goyer has signed on to write and direct a new version of The Invisible Man. Hollywood has made a version of this movie how many times now? Just look how many entries there are for it on IMDB, and that doesn't even include Memoirs of an Invisible Man or Hollow Man or the countless pornos where an invisible man lives in the girls' locker room masturbating (okay that last one may have just been a fantasy of mine).
Honestly though, in five or ten years there's just going to be like three f***ing movies that they remake over and over and over again. And I know a bunch of you dorks out there are going to be whining "None of the other movie versions have been any good, if they stick to the original story it could be awesome, blah blah blah..." Well I'm here to tell you that it's going to suck. It's a stupid idea to make another one. This version won't be any better than any of the others, there's no Santa Clause and you're just going to rot after you die. Now leave me alone, Daddy has a hangover.
Jun 14 2007Disgusting Captivity Clip
Want to see a clip from Captivity where kidnapper guy puts some human parts in a blender and makes Elisha Cuthbert swallow it? I think we both know the answer. This movie goes where neither Fear Factor or Mama Fratelli would dare.
Jun 14 2007Ride Movies Not Just For Disney
A still from Busch Gardens' Corkscrew Hill ride, which may or may not involve pig boys and arson.
Following what seemed to be a winning formula with Disney and Pirates of the Caribbean, Busch Gardens has announced they will be adapting their Corkscrew Hill ride for the big screen. The stereoscopic 3-D ride is an attraction at Busch Gardens Europe, located in Williamsburg, Virginia, which makes absolutely no sense to me. Jeff Kleiser and Diana Walczak, who wrote and directed the ride, have already developed the attraction into a script, leading to the question: rides have writers and directors?
As of this time, I have no confirmation that anyone has ever actually been on this ride or to a Busch Gardens.
Jun 14 2007Whoopi Joining The View?
Whoopi fights to regain relevance
For weeks the housewife and unemployed communities have been in a tortured limbo: who will take over for Rosie on The View??? Now, it seems The Star may have the answer. The trusted periodical, which recently broke a Pulitzer-worthy story on best beach bods, claims Whoopi Goldberg practically has the job sealed, winning the position over other considered names like Kathy Griffin, Roseanne Barr, and Ricki Lake.
Honestly, these are the best options they have? Have these people not seen a television since 1995? I haven't considered Ricki Lake at all in the last ten years, let alone for a job. Was it Comedy Relief, Sister Act, and her coveted spot in the Center Square that finally led them to decide on Whoopi, or was it just that Paula Poundstone was unavailable?
Jun 13 2007Imoogi vs. The Gigantoraptor
Anyone else think it's strangely coincidental that the D-War trailer and the Gigantoraptor were discovered on the same day? It could mean that a giant bird lizard showdown is in order.
Oh, did anyone notice that there were knights in that trailer? What the f***?
Jun 13 2007John Dahl Out of Punisher 2
Okay, now in this "scene", I'm going to beat a hooker to death with a stick. Ready on set?
Director John Dahl has backed out of Punisher 2. Not that I really care, there's no way in hell I'm seeing the sequel to a shitty movie that was a remake of another shitty movie.
"I love the idea of a kickass vigilante that's got a really black sense of humor, that can throw three people into a trashcan, light them on fire and walk away while they're screaming. That just sounded funny to me but I wasn't sure that the script could really get there, that would have the sense of humor."
Wow, dude sounds pretty harsh. I like him already. I'm glad he's off the movie, because saying things like that might actually tempt me to see it.
Jun 13 2007The Big Chill in Blackface
"Who wants to freestyle?"
Screen Gems, a company responsible for more turds than...uh...a guy...that's, uh, always crapping, will be remaking The Big Chill.
The movie will likely be retitled, but the original script by [Lawrence] Kasdan and Barbara Benedek will be used as a template; the storyline will be contemporized and the cast will be African American. The remake will stick closely to the original storyline, in which seven college friends reunite over a weekend at a South Carolina house for the funeral of a pal. As they get reacquainted, they become introspective about how their lives turned out.
One can only assume the remake will be called The Big Chillin', or Chillin' With Big, or Big Momma's House, or Stomp the Funeral, or I'm Lovin' It...
Okay, that probably went too far. Do I have to go apologize to Al Sharpton now?
Jun 12 2007Mr. Wizard Dead at 89
Mr. Wizard survived hundreds of dangerous vinegar/baking soda concoctions.
Don Herbert, the former children's TV science host better known as Mr. Wizard, died this morning after a long battle with an evil, more powerful wizard.
Just kidding! As usual, it was cancer that beat science once again. It's really a sad loss for the kid's science television show community, which will now have to hand over leadership to the slightly more obnoxious Bill Nye or the vastly more obnoxious Beakman.
Jun 12 2007Hollywood Sequel Train Still Rolling
"Matt Damon!"
Alternate headline: Sequels Still Running Train on Hollywood
Sam Jackson recently told MTV News that he's working on getting together a sequel to The Long Kiss Goodnight with Reny Harlin. The Long Kiss Goodnight came out in 1996 and starred Geena Davis as basically the female version of Jason Bourne. Jackson played the lovable black guy.
I'm torn on this one. On one hand, making a second Long Kiss Goodnight is about as ridiculous as making a second Last Boyscout. On the other hand, as far as crappy action movies go, I'll take a LKG or a Last Boyscout over Jerry Bruckheimer any day - at least they're good for a one-liner every now and then. See my favorites, after the jump.
Jun 12 2007Evan Almighty Loves Environment as well as Jesus
"Hey, so God, you were just kidding about that whole 'no butt sex' thing, right?"
Roughly $25 million in marketing support is being provided by U[niversal] parent GE (through its Ecomagination campaign), Sheraton Hotels & Resorts, Travelocity, Environmental Defense Fund, Bear Naked, L.A. Zoo, San Diego Zoo, BP Solar and Dell Computers to help U launch its Get on Board eco-awareness campaign and give audiences tips on how to help slow the effects of global warming -- while letting them know "Almighty" is hitting theaters.
You may wonder how a movie that's previously tried to align itself with the God squad is going to reconcile this latest attempt to court environmentalists.
"Almighty" pushes the environmental message in its plot, providing a pivotal reason why God, played by Morgan Freeman, asks the character of Evan Baxter (Steve Carell) to build a critter-filled ark.
Oh! So God is planning to smite everyone not because they're gay or idol worshipers this time, but because they've neglected the environment, I get it. Sounds hilarious!
Jun 12 2007WTF News: A New Fletch Movie? With Josh Jackson?
At one point, Pacey mistakenly believed wearing a canuck helmet would spare him severe beatings.
Hey remember those Chevy Chase movies that came out in the 80s? No, not National Lampoon's, the other ones...Fletch. Remember those? Sorta? Well, IESB is reporting that Fletch Won has found a director and star.
Steve Pink (who could totally make porn without changing his name), who previously directed Accepted, is on to direct. I'd start the ripping here if not for the fact that he also co-wrote High Fidelity and one of my guilty pleasures, Grosse Pointe Blank (Sample dialogue: "I'm gonna put a bullet in your head and then f*** the brain hole!" "Nice talk, sugarmouth.")
Meanwhile, Josh Jackson will be playing the lead. Joshua Jackson is perhaps best known for his character on Dawson's Creek, Pacey, which is perhaps best known for being the only name gayer than "Skyler". Pacey, of course, comes from the Latin word pacerus, which loosely translates to "man who eats knuckle sandwich."
Jun 12 2007Connelly and Bettany Being Born
In some of the cutest casting that could possibly occur in a psychological thriller, real-life married couple Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany will play a fictional couple in the Guillermo del Toro-produced Birth:
Daniel Simpson will direct the project, which revolves around a couple who settle down in a seemingly idyllic English town to raise a family. Their perfect life is shaken when the husband, a claymation artist, discovers his characters are acting out a nightmare that comes to life.
It might make for some good on-screen chemistry, but I bet it's going to be a real strain for the crew. Normally the best part of working with Jennifer Connelly is making disgusting remarks about various items around the set you'd use to have sex with her. With her husband around, that all goes out the window, or is at least limited to smaller items. What a bummer.
Jun 12 2007Final Price is Right Reminder
Retiring Bob Barker, now with more feral teeth.
Just in case you've been under a rock far from Contestants' Row, you'll want to make sure to catch The Price is Right this Friday, which will be Bob Barker's last new episode hosting the show. If you don't want to fake sick to stay home and watch it at 11am like you usually do, CBS will re-air the episode at 8pm, most likely with fewer ads for life insurance and diabetes.
Though it's sad to see Barker leave after these 35 long years, the day will be celebrated nationally with either a free spaying/neutering of your pet or a free sexual harassment attempt on a female employee--your choice!
Jun 11 2007Sam Jackson to Play Octopus in The Spirit
Sam Jackson, who did The Man, The Farce of the Penguins, a sequel to xXx that even Vin Diesel wouldn't show up for, and probably your cousin's bat mitsvah if you showed him the money, will be playing the Octopus in Frank Miller's upcoming adaptation of The Spirit. I don't know much about the Octopus, but I do hope he calls people "motherf***er".
Will Eisner’s “The Spirit” follows detective Denny Colt as he fights crime with the blessing of the city’s police force. And the Octopus? “Well, the Octopus actually created Spirit when you come down to it,” Jackson said, enthusiasm bubbling over as he began to describe the characters’ origins. “He was sort of a mad scientist who worked at a morgue. Spirit was a young cop who got killed. So when his body came in, he was working on this kind of serum that would make people sort of immortal. He tried it on [Spirit] and he came back to life, and then he tried it on himself, so he could be, you know, his nemesis and he became even stronger.”
So, to sum up, The Spirit is about sort of a mad scientist who makes kind of a serum that makes people sort of immortal. I plan on seeing it, and kind of wearing pants. Sort of.
Jun 11 2007Borat Lawsuit: Jeffrey Lemerond is a Giant Snatch
I think Jeff Lemerond might be this guy. Journalism is fun!
Another crybaby p**** has filed a lawsuit against the makers of the Borat movie. So who was it, you may be asking yourself. The Jewish couple? One of the crazy Pentacostals? One of the rednecks at the rodeo? Nope. It was Jeffrey Lemerond, a Dartmouth College graduate and financial analyst, who was shown running and yelling "Go away!" as Borat chased him down Manhattan's Fifth Avenue in an attempt to hug strangers.
Lemerond, or P**** von Twatsnatch, as his friends call him, is listed in the lawsuit as John Doe and will argue that his civil rights were violated. The case will of course cite legal precedents going back to the days of the founding fathers, such as the time Thomas Paine was pestered by the village homosexual in Worcester, Mass., who was later ordered to give Paine three pigs and a plowshare in restitution.
Jun 11 2007The Invasion Trailer
I'm fine with the occasional "I'm one of the sole human survivors in a world full of freaks trying to kill me" movie, but with 28 Weeks Later just out and I Am Legend and 30 Days of Night on the horizon, this is getting to be too much. You can now add The Invasion to the list, as Nicole Kidman runs panicked from the masses of invaders trying to recruit her into their invading army.
If nothing else, though similar in theme, these films should provide good support for parents trying to teach their kids about the dangers of peer pressure. First, talk to your kid about not using drugs "just because everyone else is," but make sure you sneak something in at the end about how drugs "suck the life from you like a vampire," or "are an alien force that takes over your body." Then take them to see the corresponding movie for your simile.
Another option is to take them to Shrek 3 with the message, "See? If you were screwed up on enough drugs you'd probably be enjoying this, at least marginally, and wouldn't that be embarrassing?"
Jun 11 200730 Days of Night Teaser Trailer
30 Days of Night, based on the popular graphic novel, tells the story of a group led by Josh Hartnett trying to fight off a horde of vampires. The catch? They're above the Arctic Circle, so it's night for 30 days! Without the burden of daylight, it's a virtual vampire spring break--a full month of non-stop binge drinking [of blood].
This trailer reminds me of a disturbing trend in the modern vampire: too many are willing to run around mad for blood, openly showing they're mutant vampires. What ever happened to your gentlemanly, Dracula-style vampire? It's like the new vampire is a rapist, while Dracula was more of a date-rapist. Both are going to attack you in an unwanted way that will leave you violated, but at least with Dracula you get the seduction. Whether being turned into a vampire or raped, I expect dinner first.
