May 18 2007Sam Jackson is Spirit's Octopus

First! innit!

Given that Samuel L. Jackson stars in half the movies put out by Hollywood, from well-made and critically acclaimed fair like Pulp Fiction and Eve's Bayou to lambasted dreck like The Man and Snakes on a Plane, perhaps because he suffers from some paranoid belief that all his money will disappear tomorrow, one has to wonder what exactly "negotiations" between him and a studio looking to hire him. I mean, what exactly are his typical demands? That the studio furnish him with a second trailer to house all his Bald Head Polish? I can just imagine what it must be like to be his agent. It might look something like this:

Agent: "We have this script by the guy who did Reservoir Dogs, in which you play a Bible-quoting hitman.
Samuel L. Jackson: "I'll do it." What else you got?
Agent: " “Um, we have this drama set in 1962 Louisiana…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “I’m there.”
Agent: “Wow! We didn’t even tell you who’s writing, directing or acting in it!”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Don’t care. What else?”
Agent: “Er, we have this lousy child custody trial movie between a white woman played by Jessica Lange and an ex-crack addict played by Halle Berry. I think you’ll wanna pass on it.”
Samuel L. Jackson: “No I don’t. Sign me up.” Keep going.”
Agent: “A really bad, really preachy adaptation of this John Grisham novel that seems to advocate jury nullification…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Done. What else?”
Agent (getting nervous): “Two action films by Renny Harlin, who hasn’t made a well-received film since Die Hard 2? You get eaten by a shark in one of them…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “I wanna do it.”
Agent: “Um, which one?”
Samuel L. Jackson: “BOTH of ‘em, motherf*****!” WHAT ELSE!?”
Agent: “Um, er, I uh, we have some science fiction films here…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Good! I like sci-fi. Give ‘em to me!”
Agent: “Well, hold on, let’s be judicious about this. One is an adaptation of a Michael Crichton novel…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Michael Crichton? I’m there. Sign me up.”
Agent (relieved): “Thank God. The other one is this character in the new Star Wars trilogy. I read George Lucas’ script, and it’s really awful. I was afraid you were gonna choose that one!”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Yeah, I want that too.”
Agent: “Sammy, c’mon. You can afford to be a little bit choosy!”
Samuel L. Jackson (pulls out gun and points it at Agent’s head): “Listen, white boy, you line ‘em up, and I knock ‘em out, or will get ALL EZEKEAL ON YO ASS! NOW WHAT THE **** ELSE DO YOU GOT???!!!!”
Agent (crying): “Lousy military trial movie with Tommy Lee Jones?”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Done!”
Agent: “It’s really lousy, Sammy.”
Samuel L. Jackson: “DONE!”
Agent: “Uhhh…a Godawful remake of Shaft?”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Done!”
Agent: “Really drab M. Night Shyamalan movie that’s not as good as The Sixth Sense? You play this total loser of a comic book fan with brittle bones.”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Done!”
Agent: “Sammy please….let me choose the good ones…uh…uh…uh…a movie with Ben Affleck? He hasn’t done a good movie lately, but this one’s good! And Quentin wants you in his next movie with Uma! And that guy that made The Iron Giant wants you in his next animated feature! They’re all good!”
Samuel L. Jackson: “FINE! I’ll take it! What else?” What about that reunion with Travolta? It’s got John McTiernan directing! An all-star cast! Why didn’t you mention that?” (the gun moves closer to the Agent’s head.)
Agent: “Oh God, Sammy, it looks really bad…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “I WANT IT!”
Agent: “Oh God, okay, okay, please don’t kill me…I got this good action movie with Vin Diesel…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Give it to me! And what about that remake of S.W.A.T.?!”
Agent (on his knees begging): “Sammy please, show some judgment…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “And snakes! I like snakes! I want to do a movie that has the word ‘snake’ in the title!!”
Agent (becoming incoherent): “Ugh….drama….Christian Ricci…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Deal!”
Agent: “Okay, moving on…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Not so fast, cracker boy! Isn’t there another one?”
Agent: “What, Snakes on a Plane?”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Yeah, that one!”
Agent: “But you’re doing the Christina Ricci one! The critics will like that one! And it has ‘snake” in the title!”
Samuel L. Jackson: “I want BOTH of ‘em, goddammit! I really, REALLY like fucking snakes, man!”
Agent: “Oh God…what do you even need me for if you’re just gonna take everything?”
Samuel L. Jackson: “I need you to read the offers to me! I wanna do a voice in a really offensive video game! Something with violence and hookers! And I wanna host one of those MTV award shows! Something that'll show those 18-24 year-old muthafuckas that I'm still hip and edgy! And a movie with offensive stereotypes of Caucasians, maybe with that Eugene Levy guy! Maybe something with that Boondocks cartoon! Man, that is some funny shit! And what about that March of the Penguins shit? How come Morgan gets to narrate stuff like that? I can be erudite! Why can’t I narrate a documentary about penguins? Hell, it don’t even have to be a real movie, it can be a satire of it, or something! And what about all these comic book movies they be doin’? I wanna do one! Maybe play the bad guy in one!”
Agent: “Oh God…Oh God…Sammy please…you already got the comic book villain with the Shyamalan movie…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “SHUT THE YOUR !#$%*@& PIE HOLE, YOU FUCKING CRACKER BITCH!!! I WANT ANOTHER ONE! C’mon, asshole, let me hear ‘em! I WANT IT ALL!!!!!”

(Note: The preceding is not intended as an accurate portrayal of the actor Samuel L. Jackson or his real-life mannerisms, but is a satire of those of some of the characters he has played, such as Jules from Pulp Fiction, used to make a point about Jackson's movie role selectivity, which the author disclaims here in the unlikely event that the esteemed Mr. Jackson, whom the author holds in high regard as an actor, reads this post and seeks out the author to bust a cap in his ass.)

Well done, sva1944... very true to the Mythos of Samuel L.