May 31 2007Trailer: Farrelly Brothers Still Trying
A marvel of form and function, the hat both covered Sarah's softspot AND kept her from eating her hair.
Back in the day, the Farrelly Brothers were the brains behind Kingpin, Dumb and Dumber, and There's Something About Mary (hell, I even liked Outside Providence). But since '99, we've gotten Shallow Hal, Me, Myself & Irene, Osmosis Jones, Stuck on You, and Fever Pitch.
The trailer for their latest, The Heartbreak Kid, with Ben Stiller and Rob Corddry is now online. Another turd would bring them closer to irrelevance, but regardless of what happens, they'll probably be hearing drunk idiots slur quotes from their movies until the day they die.
On another note, anyone else think the blonde chick, Malin Akerman, looks a whole lot like Hannah Hilton? Or possibly a cross between her and Joey Lauren Adams? Look, Malin, if that is your real name, all I'm saying is that you're generic looking.
May 31 2007Another Fantastic Four Trailer
Judging from the latest trailer for Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, most of the movie is centered around the quartet trading around superpowers like a high school clique swaps STDs. It seems kind of gimmicky, but my expectations are so low from the first film that I'll let them take a stab at whatever they want at this point. Want to give Thing laser eyes? Sure, why not? Couldn't hurt after that shit sandwich you made me eat a few summers back.
And the "rise" of the Silver Surfer is looking more and more like just flying around, showing off how you can pass through matter. Believe me, Surfer, I've seen better rises.
May 31 2007Speed Racer's Mach 5
Finally it looks like an adaptation is willing to trust its source material, with this first shot of the Mach 5 from the Wachowski Brothers' Speed Racer movie looking quite similar to the anime original. I admire how faithful they're staying, but part of me wishes they'd gone with something more similar to a '94 Ford Taurus wagon. Maybe then people would stop the mockery once they saw I was just a paint job away from driving the Mach 5, instead of a '94 Ford Taurus wagon.
May 31 2007Teen Titans: Another Movie About Comic I've Never Heard Of
Black Guy, Asian Girl, and White Guy: Making the world safe for political correctness
If you write a script that's really good but no one will buy it, your best bet is to hire an artist and make it into a comic book. Comic books make Hollywood execs cream their shorts (if, of course, they wore shorts, which they don't because that would be unprofessional). Case in point, Teen Titans, which will be adapted by Warner Bros.
If your first response was, "What the f*** is Teen Titans?", well then you're only a pair of rippling biceps and a heart of gold away from being just like me.
The Teen Titans first appeared in 1964 as a sort of junior Justice League, comprising Robin, Kid Flash, Aqualad, Wonder Girl and Speedy, the respective sidekicks of A-list heroes Batman, Flash, Aquaman, Wonder Woman and Green Arrow.
Oh great, so it's the Tom & Jerry Kids of the comic world? God I hated that cartoon.
The comic series reached X-Men-style success in the 1980s, when the team was relaunched in a new comic with the characters no longer kids but college-age adults and the stories explored more mature themes. The series also saw the addition of Cyborg, Starfire and Raven, original characters who weren't sidekicks, while the character of Robin matured into one called Nightwing.
There you have it, nerds, I'd never heard about this before - prepare to flame! Knives out!
May 31 2007Myeah, See? Clooney and Soderbergh Make Football Movie
Shooting has just wrapped on Leathernecks, a 1920s football movie directed by George Clooney and written by Clooney and Steven Soderbergh. The plot, according to co-star Jonathan Pryce:
George plays for a ragtag, over-the-hill football team. They attract John Krasinski, star college football player to come and play. I’m [his] sleazy agent and manager,” Pryce divulged. “[There’s a] bit of a scandal involved. Renee Zellweger, ace reporter, is dispatched to expose [it].”
My only hope on this one is that everyone talks like they're in a 20s gangster movie, or the Hudsucker Proxy.
"Lookey heah, see? I though I toldja to button hook. Now hand me the pigskin, and make it snappy, see?"
May 30 2007The 'Almighty' Dollar
We may not agree on the whole evolution thing, but that doesn't mean we can't share a cold one.
Evan Almighty, the not-awaited sequel to Bruce Almighty, has taken a page out of Eric Cartman's book by positioning itself as a film with a religious theme in the hopes of making a buck.
Mindful of that market, Universal Pictures has teamed up with Grace Hill Media, a public relations firm that reaches out to religious groups, to publicize the mainstream film “Evan Almighty.” Scheduled for wide release on June 22, it stars Steve Carell as a politician who abandons Congress in order to build an ark, taking off on the story of Noah. Universal has held several screenings of “Evan Almighty” with religious leaders, hoping that they will recommend the film — with a PG rating and a protagonist who heeds a call to change the world — to their congregations.
This might be a tough sell; I bet a lot of folks will be angry that Evan Almighty ripped off the "guy can't stop growing beard" plotline from The Santa Clause.
Oh yeah, and in the movie, God is a black dude. They'll love that in Mississippi.
Epilogue: In case I ever have to defend my lifestyle to St. Peter (or a giant spaghetti monster) I'd like to point out that I got through this entire post without a single pedophilia reference.
May 30 2007Transformers to Premiere at Taormina
Michael Bay's ideas for the "skinny dipping scene" always seemed a little twisted.
According to the Hollywood Reporter, Transformers will have its world premiere at Sicily's Taormina Film Festival. It's nice to see that some film festivals haven't forgotten what film festivals are supposed to be all about: giving lesser-known filmmakers the exposure they don't get at the multiplex.
It's kind of like me. See, I'm used to spending all day dating supermodels and not wearing pants. But every once in a while I'll throw on some pedal pushers and snog a hairlip or two, just to bring deformed smiles to a few faces. I'm like what Mother Theresa would be like if she could choke out a tiger. Wait, what were we talking about again?
May 30 2007Dane Cook Joins Bachelor No. 2
Dane doing a hilarious hand gesture in front of a sign for the hilarious hand gesture.
Frat boy fixture Dane Cook is in talks to star in Bachelor No. 2, in which he'll play Tank, a man employed to take girls on such horrible dates that they'll end up running back to their ex-boyfriends. As much as I feel bad for anyone who ends up mistakenly seeing this movie, I feel worse for the video store employees sure to be faced with helping people try to find Bachelor No. 1 before they see the sequel.
May 29 2007Star Wars: The Clone Wars Sneak Peek
George Lucas has added some more water to his lemonade, further diluting the Star Wars universe with The Clone Wars, which you can see in this Lucasfilm sneak peek. "But wait," you ask, "Wasn't Episode II already about the Clone Wars?" No, dummy, that was just Attack of the Clones, not full-scale war. And this is an animated TV series.
"Oh, so it's the animated series Star Wars: Clone Wars by Genndy Tartakovsky, as seen on Cartoon Network," you foolishly say. No, though that was indeed animated and about the Clone Wars, this one is 3-D, moron.
"So it's an excuse to make another series, redesign the characters so they look like they're from a video game, then sell that video game with toys, t-shirts, and collectible Burger King watches?" Yes! Now you got it.
May 29 2007Knocked Up Parody Promo: Judd Apatow is a Funny Guy
"See those two ho's in the background? Yeah, I banged them too. Rock n Roll. Deal with it."
I'm sure this video will be all over the internet soon, so why not see it here, right? Right?? Anyone??
Anyway, it looks like Judd Apatow decided to do a parody* of the leaked clip of Lily Tomlin arguing with I Heart Huckabees director David O. Russell. This one imagines Michael Cera of Arrested Development and the upcoming Superbad as the original star of Knocked Up who gets fired for being difficult.
On the other hand, I got fired for from the orphanage for caring too much. Well, caring too much and that thing with the Mexican kid. Whatever.
*I would say "spoof", but apparently that's Aussie slang for semen; weird
Continue Reading "Knocked Up Parody Promo: Judd Apatow is a Funny Guy"
May 29 2007Vague Glimpses of the Joker
The purple jacket on the man in the background could indicate he's Joker. Or that he plays for the Lakers.
Giving a statement to USA Today, The Dark Knight director Christopher Nolan revealed he'll be shooting four action sequences, including the scene introducing Joker, in IMAX format. The scenes will be granted an enhanced crispness and clarity due to the large format, so to juxtapose this, we've been given some blurry shots of what may be the Joker's introductory scene. At least you can see his hair is green.
But does the carpet match the drapes?
May 29 2007"Fido" Trailer - Yay or Nay?
..brains at every single meal, why can't we have some guts!"
How could I not watch a trailer with a description like this?:
Welcome to Willard, a small town lost in the idyllic world of the 50’s, where the sun shines every day, everybody knows their neighbor, and rotting zombies deliver the mail. Years ago, the earth passed through a cloud of space dust, causing the dead to rise with a craving for human flesh. A war began, pitting the living against the dead. In the ensuing revolution, a corporation was born: ZomCon, who defeated the legions of undead, and domesticated the zombies, making them our industrial workers, our domestic servants - a productive part of society. ZomCon would like the people of Willard to believe they have everything under control... but do they?
Anyway, check out the trailer over at Yahoo. I can't tell if it's going to be awesome or a bad Shaun of the Dead ripoff. Either way, I'm pretty sure it's based on the true story of the rise of Kinko's.
May 29 2007I Know Who Killed Me Trailer
A summary of I Know Who Killed Me, as derived from the trailer: Aubrey (Lindsay Lohan) writes story about a stripper named Dakota. Aubrey is kidnapped, tortured, left for dead. Aubrey is found alive, but now says she's a stripper named Dakota (hey, kinda like her story!). Dakota uses Ask.com's sophisticated yet easy-to-use search engine to search for "mistaken identity." Ask.com provides thorough and relevant results, showing it is clearly a strong competitor for Google, and reveals Dakota and Aubrey may be identical twins. The kidnapper keeps trying to kill her, but luckily, as the title implies, she knows who killed her. Then there's surely some kind of twist ending where it turns out one girl is a ghost, or Aubrey is the kidnapper of Dakota, or some other equally unbelievable garbage. The sequel will be called I Still Know Who Killed Me (straight-to-video).
May 29 2007Keira Knightley Playing Princess of Wales?
Is Knightley Diana? Is she wasting away?
With the controversial book Diana and the Paparazzi at the center of a bidding war at Cannes, possible producers are already considering who would play the biography's subject, Princess Diana of Wales. Keira Knightley, who tabloids tell me may be "wasting away," is reportedly most wanted for the role. Producer Quentin Reynolds says word around Hollywood is "get Knightley [more food--she's wasting away]!" He later explained studios' desire for the book, adding, "For every pound The Queen makes, a film about Diana will make ten," possibly alluding to the pounds wasting away from the starlet.
Can you see Knightley in the role of Princess Di? Will you see her at all if she continues wasting away?
May 29 2007CNR Joins the Great Big Match Game in the Sky
Television's greatest game show participant, Charles Nelson Reilly, died Friday due to complications from pneumonia. Though he played many roles during his 76 years, he is probably best known for his many appearances on game shows in the '70s and '80s. Aside from possibly Speed Racer, no one has worn an ascot so proudly or often, and his antics are all that keep Match Game on GSN to this day. CNR was truly a legend in the industry.*
*The giant glasses industry.
May 25 2007National Treasure 2 Trailer: Praying for Sweet Release of Death
Blacks will be hated, crappy movies made.
The National Treasure 2: Jerry Bruckheimer Continues Pooping trailer is now online.
The whole thing basically consists shots of world landmarks intercut with actors looking pensive.
I don't even know what to say. Shit like this really makes satire obsolete.
May 25 2007'SIMS' Movie Greenlit by Apparent Super Genius
Someday, God willing, I will have the world's strongest kegel muscles.
I put up a picture of supermodel Molly Sims, rather than a picture of that stupid video game some genius is making a movie out of because, let's face it, what would you rather look at?
But as I was saying, someone thought it'd be a great idea to bring SIMS to the bigscreen. It's yet another case of art imitating art imitating life. I wonder if this means we'll finally see the Civilization movie we've all been clamoring for. So how exactly do you make a movie out of a video game where you basically control groups of virtual people who go to work, take baths, put on ties, and poop?
The SIMS has done an interactive version of an old story, which is what it's like to have infinite power and how do you deal with it," said [SIMS Studio head Rod] Humble. "Given that that's an old story, you can imagine how easily that would translate to traditional story telling."
Of course we can imagine, Rod, what are we, idiots?
The project will be overseen by the guy who brought us Norbit, When a Stranger Calls, and Eragon, and written by Brian Lynch, whose projects include Big Helium Dog and Scary Movie 3.
Rod Humble. There's a porn joke in that somewhere.
Continue Reading "'SIMS' Movie Greenlit by Apparent Super Genius"
May 25 2007Frowny Face News: Nic Cage Out of Untouchables Sequel
Cage had promised to dress extra fancy on his wedding day.
Though I for one was excited to see what an irritable, neurotic Al Capone would be like, it appears now that Nic Cage won't be playing the gangster in Brian De Palma's upcoming Untouchables sequel. The official reason was "scheduling issues", so I guess Cage will get to spend more time with his kids, Optimus Prime and Doctor Octopus or whatever the hell their names are.
Seriously though, I was really looking forward to this. This is pretty much the saddest news since the baby sparrow I was nursing back to health died last week. R. I. P., Flappy. :-( :-( :-(
May 24 2007Groundhog Day for Kids: Adam Shankman is Super Original
"I wake up every day, and it's the same stupid remake pitch ideas!"
Variety is reporting that Disney has acquired the pitch, that's right, I said 'pitch', not 'script', for Monday Monday, which it describes as follows:
[The] "Groundhog Day"-like script by first-time feature writer Flint Wainess will follow a neurotic teen who has to relive his disastrous first day at a new high school until he gets it right.
Groundhog Day, IN HIGH SCHOOL. It's such a brilliant, out-there idea. I can see why the mere premise alone would be enough to spark a bidding frenzy. It's not every day a supernova of creativity like this rockets out your cornhole.
The project will be produced by Jennifer Gibgot and Adam Shankman, whose directing resume includes, but is not limited to: Hairspray (the upcoming remake), Cheaper by the Dozen 2, The Pacifier, Bringing Down the House, A Walk to Remember, and The Wedding Planner.
I'm tempted to say something snotty, but judging by his last name, his ancestors stabbed people in prison. Which is not to say I'm scared, it's just that we may be related.
May 24 2007Matt Damon: Not Bourne Again!
"Matt Damon!"
Full disclosure: Mostly I just put up this post so I could be in the running for the cheesiest headline award. That said, Matt Damon said definitively during a Cannes press conference that he wouldn't be playing Jason Bourne again.
Since this crap is a cash cow, expect the studio to milk it with or without him. If you need a doppleganger, might I suggest Utah Jazz forward Matt Harpring? I don't know if he can act, but he is, like, tall. I thought of adding a Matt Harpring tag to this post, but something tells me that won't be necessary.
Anyway, suck it, America.
May 24 2007New Fantastic Four 2 Spot
This new spot for Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is slightly relevant because it shows the galactic herald speaking as voiced by Laurence Fishburne, finally connecting the voice and figure. If only phone sex lines would be so gracious.
The whole voice and delivery seem a bit over-the-top and melodramatic to me. What isn't over-the-top is that a silver man is flying on a surfboard.
May 24 2007Borat Writes Travel Book
In U, S, and A, homosexuals are even allowed to wear the suit and win award trophies.
Borat has signed a deal to write a book of travel advice. Half the book will be a guide to America for Kazakhstanis unfamiliar with women riding on the inside of the bus and the other half will be a guide to Kazakhstan for Americans who have never experienced a gypsy attack or acquired a taste for fermented horse urine.
The book, to be released in hardcover, will have a dual title: "Borat: Touristic Guidings To Minor Nation of U.S. and A." and "Borat: Touristic Guidings To Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan."
I'll probably buy this book, but I have to admit, it was a bit disappointing to learn a comedian so hilariously anti-semitic is secretly Jewish. It'd be like like learning Jerry Bruckheimer was secretly black.
May 24 2007Sicko trailer
The trailer for Sicko has been released, providing a preview of controversial filmmaker Michael Moore's attack on the American health care system. The documentary points out that for being the richest country in the world, the US ranks shockingly low in health care coverage, coming in just above Slovenia. Of course, as usual, Moore skews the facts, failing to mention how we absolutely pummel Slovenia in total X-Boxes sold.
May 23 2007The Golden Compass Trailer
Even if you don't care about extravagant fantasy epics, you'd better just go ahead and watch the trailer for The Golden Compass, the first chapter of the His Dark Materials series. It's bound to be the next Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings thing that everyone's raving about, so you're going to look like an asshole if you can't banter about how cool the talking polar bear is.
High quality versions here.
May 23 2007Good Luck Chuck Posters
For those innocents reading this, hoping to fully understand these three new posters for Good Luck Chuck, let me explain a few commonly held notions about sexual imagery.
1. Practically anything remotely dowel shaped can be thought of as a penis. If said phallus drips a white fluid and is licked, the imagery is heightened, even if the object barely resembles the shape of a penis whatsoever.
2. If a guy is shirtless and smiling, and you can see a head peeking out from his crotch, that man is almost certainly receiving oral sex.
3. I guess if you put a hole in a grapefruit, you can have sex with it? This one kind of lost me.
These descriptions will make more sense if you look at the other posters, under the cut.
May 23 2007Crappy Trailer Week Continues with "The Brothers Solomon"
Two of SNL's most useless cast members, Will Forte and Kristen Wiig (She's this generation's Melanie Hussel!), had a three-way with Will Arnett and are giving birth to a turd baby called The Brothers Solomon. As if that weren't enough, it's also a Screen Gems production.
Any of the three are pretty much the kiss of death. Together, they're like the gangbang of death. Or the Voltron of shitty movies. Whatever, you pick the metaphor, I'll be drinking.
Want to make this movie better? Keep the title, cut someone in half.
May 23 2007Baron Cohen Shooting Bruno
"People from L.A. are so genuine, don't you think?"
The guy who gets to bone Isla Fisher was spotted in character (as Bruno) at the Foreign Trade Association luncheon at the Omni Hotel in downtown Los Angeles yesterday.
“Clearly, 99 percent of the people had no idea who he was,” the spy wrote to defamer. “Sacha had about 10 people with him. Three people running around with releases to sign, 4 camera people, a blonde haired producer watching the whole thing and a frazzled old dude with string salt and pepper hair checking the sound at the other end of the ballroom.”
Come on guys, there's no excuse not to know all of the Ali G characters by now - don't you people get HBO? To me the most shocking part of those South Carolinian douchebags suing over the first movie was that there were college students out there willing to admit they'd never heard of Borat.
Anyway, for the sake of good entertainment, thank God there are stupid people out there to make fun of. And babies to kick. Now that's a party!
May 23 2007Sex and the City Movie, Says... Mario Cantone
The blonde chick just fisted a guy on this bed.
According to a super duper reliable source (Mario Cantone, who proved his versatility as an actor by playing a gay Italian guy), a Sex and the City Movie, is like, maybe happening, he hopes.
They've called me about my availability, yeah, but nothing's negotiated with myself. I don't know if any of the girls are negotiated. All I know is it better get done because I want to do it.
There you have it. Mario Cantone wants it to happen, so it probably will, right? Your batshit crazy neighbor chick sure hopes so. Beware of girls with an unhealthy obsession with that show. And girls with Adam's apples. Don't ask me how I know. God I need a shower.
The one positive thing I got out of Sex and the City was getting to say I told you so about the redhead chick being a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
May 23 2007Silver Surfer Ruins Currency
Equivalent historical figures.
As a new publicity stunt for Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Fox has teamed up with the foremost maker of collectible crap, the Franklin Mint, to issue 40,000 specially designed Silver Surfer coins across America. And if you're lucky enough to receive one of the cheap-looking things, you can redeem it for a variety of fantastic prizes, such as Burger King Crown Cards!
The site seems to imply the quarters will actually be in circulation, which I had assumed must be illegal after they're defaced with corporate sponsorship, but it turns out just hadn't been thought of yet. Even if Fox did somehow get these legalized for spending, I can't imagine anyone anyone accepting them without knowing about the campaign. In my mind, a superhero printed on one side of a coin would be one of the top warning signs of a fake coin.
May 23 2007Underdog Trailer As Good As Expected
I'm sorry, did I say yesterday that Bratz and My Super Sweet 16 were the movies I was most looking forward to? Stupid me, I forgot all about Underdog! This shit is off the chain!*
*Why was this not the tagline?
May 22 2007No Country for Old Men clips
Lower long distance rates, you say? I am somewhat flabbergasted.
Five clips of No Country for Old Men, the Coen brothers scathing anti-Stallone diatribe drugs and murder drama are now online over at commeaucinema.
Watch out, though, the site's in French. And the French are not to be trusted.
Honestly though, I'm not sure why you'd want to see out of context movie clips before you see the actual movie. Why not just get half the punchline to four or five bits before you go see a comedy show? Or just go f*** yourself. Why can't you people just leave me alone! *whimper*
May 22 2007Tarantino Restores Vanessa Ferlito's Lapdance to Euro "Death Proof"
If you think this eyebrow thing is hot, you should see what I can do with a ping pong ball.
With all the inane yammering going on in Death Proof, I would think adding scenes to it would be an awful idea. But leave it to those "journalists" at "The Hollywood Reporter" to take a nine-iron to the nutsack of that theory.
In the earlier version, Butterfly agrees to give the winner, none other than Stuntman Mike, that lap dance. But this proves to be one of the print's "Missing Scenes," as some projectionist long ago snipped it for his own private collection. In the Cannes version, that scene is no longer missing. Let's just say that Ferlito's sexy dance routine proves worth the wait over these several months.
Jesus, was it the length? You were worried about the length and you cut that? For future reference, lapdances > boobless sassy black girlisms. Make a note of it.
May 22 2007Shrek 4: The Origin Story
Though I'm barely recovered from the pure joy that was this weekend's box office winner, Shrek the Third (I'm already calling it "Shrek the Best!"), Jeffrey Katzenberg has announced DreamWorks is starting on an origin story for the lovable ogre, since he'd always envisioned Shrek's story as a four-parter. Thank God it's not just because this one made $122 million in one weekend! I worried they'd try to milk something like that for more sequels just to make more money, so it's refreshing to hear that's definitely not what they're doing. He clearly always thought there would be four of them: three in succession, then one that seems like an afterthought, but definitely isn't. Another victory for integrity, quality family entertainment, and Shrek-loving audiences!*
*Everyone loves Shrek.
May 22 2007Rodriguez Directing Barbarella, Me Masturbating to Barbarella
Yeah, I'll masturbate to that.
In two strangely related stories, Variety reports that Robert Rodriguez will be directing Universal's remake of the sci-fi kitsch classic, Barbarella, while at the same time I've announced, largely through a prior record of doing so, that I'll be masturbating to the sci-fi kitsch classic, Barbarella. Rodriguez said:
I love this iconic character and all that she represents, and I'm truly excited by the challenge of inviting a new audience into her universe.
I said:
I'm going to be in my room for a couple hours, intermittently masturbating to Barbarella.
After playing with camp elements in this year's Planet Terror, it remains unclear if Rodriguez will try for a similar aesthetic using the B-movie feel of the original or if this will be a more dramatic take on the material, but one thing is certain: I'll be masturbating to Barbarella.
May 22 2007My Super Sweet 16: The Movie: The Trailer
Just when I thought Bratz: The Movie was sure to be my most anticipated movie of the year, in comes the trailer to My Super Sweet 16: The Movie to sweep me off my feet. Based on the MTV series of the same name (minus the movie part), MSS16:TM stars teen sensations Aly & AJ and features appearances by Hellogoodbye and Pretty Ricky!* It's like MTV ate my teenage girl dreams and this is their shit! Can you believe they're sending this straight to DVD?! But sadly, having seen the show, I did notice that the real-life Sweet 16 girls are much more ridiculous than anything conceived in this trailer.
*I have no idea who any of these people are.
May 22 2007Anthony Michael Hall Joins Dark Knight
AMH: Just happy to be working.
Though he can reveal nothing of the plot, or even what character he plays, Anthony Michael Hall is so excited about being in something bigger than a USA series that he blabbed to the LA Daily News about his casting in The Dark Knight. With the recent casting of Eric Roberts as well, it would seem director Christopher Nolan must have just discovered the straight-to-DVD section of Netflix. At this rate, Riddler, Penguin and the rest of the villains are going to end up being played by Gary Busey and some Baldwins.
May 22 2007Possible Watchmen Casting
A source for AICN reports that casting for Zack Snyder's adaptation of Watchmen may have started, with three actors being offered parts. Patrick Wilson, seen recently in Little Children, is supposedly up for the role of Night Owl, pretty boy Jude Law will take the part of pretty boy Ozymandias, and, most surprisingly, Keanu Reeves may fill in the shoes of Dr. Manhattan.
Someone should inform Zack Snyder that however much he thinks The Matrix is cool, its coolness is not a reflection of the acting talent of Keanu Reeves. There's a reason the standard impression of him is looking dazed and saying "whoa." And if Reeves is doing Watchmen, what becomes of The Lake House 2!?
May 21 2007New Rambo Clip Confirms Copout
"I installed my own pacemaker with this knife."
In the original Rambo, Sly returns to Vietnam in the 80s, wins the war and proves the connection between the Soviets and the Vietcong. Being that this is the 21st century, it follows naturally that the present-day Rambo should go to Iraq, win the war on terror, and prove the connection between Iraq and 9/11. With a bow and arrow. Because his mother was Indian, remember?
But in this clip it's clear that he goes to Burma instead. Weak. They already tried that in Beyond Rangoon, and Aung San Suu Kyi's still in jail.
Anyway, he does behead a guy and rip out another guy's larynx, which is kind of sweet.
May 21 2007Hitman Guy from Hitman
A fan and apparent female chauvinist has grabbed the first shots of Timothy Olyphant with his suit, baldness, and head barcode for the lead role in Hitman, an adaptation of the video game of the same name. I've never played the game, but from what I remember of the cover, this look seems accurate enough. And I think you can tell by the enthusiastic look on Olyphant's face that he can already tell this will be yet another amazing piece of cinema based on video games.
May 21 2007Tautou to Play Coco Chanel
Audrey Tautou, best known for personifying adorableness, will play legendary fashion designer Coco Chanel in a biopic to be directed by Anne Fontaine. Seeing the two side by side, it seems amazing I never noticed the uncanny resemblance before, perhaps while looking at my Audrey Tautou and Coco Chanel wall hangings. It's like they're clones, only one is evil and one is the cutest thing that doesn't contain kitten.
May 21 2007The Joker Finally Revealed
If you visit ibelieveinharveydenttoo.com, Warner has set up a site for the Joker's mock campaign for Harvey Dent. Waiting a few moments for the vandalized picture of Dent to fade pixel by pixel rewards you with the first shot of Heath Ledger as The Joker.
I like the grittiness, and it's neat how the scarring curves up. My question: Why so pouty, Joker? For a villain known primarily for a characteristic maniacal grin, he's giving a pretty sensual pout. It's like they got this from Joker's MySpace page. If you squint, you can even see how he probably based his look on a Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie he picked up at Hot Topic. Batman need only follow the sounds of Panic! At The Disco to find his arch-nemesis gently sobbing in his girl jeans.
May 21 2007Sarah Connor Chronicles Trailer
With all the hubbub from the recently announced Terminator sequels coming, I don't blame you for forgetting that a terrible television series based on the franchise is also headed your way. Here's the trailer to remind you that the original groundbreaking sci-fi series will be carried on through mediocre acting and the special effects budget of Xena: Warrior Princess. Set your Tivos!
May 18 2007Nestor Carbonell Joins Dark Knight
Nestor Carbonell, who once played Batman parody Batmanuel on The Tick and a parody of someone foreign in Suddenly Susan, has joined the cast of Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight in the role of the mayor of Gotham. In honor of this news, here's some top secret spy footage from the set of the hightly-anticpated Batman Begins sequel. Don't tell the studios!
May 18 2007Lindsay Lohan as Tortured Stripper
The journalists at a little publication known as People nabbed the first look at the poster and stills from I Know Who Killed Me, in which Lindsay Lohan plays a stripper tortured by a serial killer. They're disappointing considering they show no stripping or torture, and she often looks far more like a stripper in her daily life.
May 18 2007Ocean's 13 Featurette: Maybe This One Won't Suck
Waiting room at the Sunglass Hut
There's an exclusive Ocean's 13 featurette over on Apple.com. It's smart enough to open with George Clooney basically admitting that the last movie sucked. Which is good, because otherwise I was going to have to break it to him at the next Hollywood playboy gangbang party, and shit like that always kills the mood.
Anyway, there's only one way to make this one better than the last two and I think we all know what I'm talking about: more Casey Affleck. The man is box office gold.
Other notes: George Clooney's chin looks like it's making the transition from matinee idol chiseled to freakish caricature. Also, anyone else think Ellen Barkin looks super hot in this? There really aren't that many times when I look at a 53-year-old woman and think, "You know what? I'd hit that." No offense, Inez.
May 18 2007MGM to Buy Rights to Rob Schneider's Directorial Debut
"Durpy Durp Durp, Da Durpy Durp Durp Durp Durp"
That's right, folks, besides playing hilarious ethnic stereotypes in Adam Sandler movies, Rob Schneider also directs.
"Big Stan," which shot last year, stars Schneider as a geeky conman who gets sentenced to a prison stretch. Terrified of being raped, he enlists the aid of a martial arts guru (David Carradine) to teach him kung fu. When he goes inside, his newfound skills result in his becoming an unlikely hero, as he outsmarts the warring prison gangs.
Oh, you silly criminals! So why is MGM spending money on this again?
MGM is understood to have made a substantial P&A commitment, and is planning to give the movie a wide December release. As well as appealing to Schneider's existing audience, the studio hopes to tap into the huge personal fanbase of Ultimate Fighting champ Randy Couture, who co-stars in the movie.
You know, as a rabid UFC fan myself, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I speak for all of us: we like to watch Randy Couture beat people up, not act in Rob Schneider movies.
May 18 2007New Stills from The Strangers
Liv Tyler stars in The Strangers, the story of a suburban couple under the assault of three masked strangers, and a new batch of images from the thriller have turned up online. Most of the shots find the actress crawling on the ground with a masked pursuant behind her. Is this a subtle metaphor for the subservience of women under the mask of misogyny? Let's hope not, because that radically lessens the chances we'll see exposed breasts.
May 18 2007Sam Jackson is Spirit's Octopus
Samuel L. Jackson is in talks to star as the villainous Octopus in Frank Miller's The Spirit, adding a dose of badass motherf***erdom to the Will Eisner comic. The supervillain, originally a meek lab assistant, kills anyone who sees his face. I don't know the comic well, but that type of killing commitment seems too hard to stick by. I imagine within a week it would be amended to something like "anyone who sees my face, as long as they're also wearing one of those annoying shirts with a funny saying about an '80s show on it. Because the Octopus hates those shirts."
May 17 2007Spiderman DILF
Grandma's basement will never be the same.
Yesterday Fox News ran a story on this whorish (and Marvel-licensed), pink-thonged little collectible of Mary Jane from Spiderman, and how it had the blogosphere "up in arms."
"The statue represents a big step backwards for those concerned about the state and future of comic books," said some fruity nerd when he was taking a break from blowing dudes.
Honestly, is the blogosphere ever "down in arms"? Righteous indignation is standard operating procedure.
Coming soon: the Japanese version of this doll with vibrating, self lubricating vagina hole that comes with a pair of pre-worn schoolgirl panties.
May 17 2007New Transformers Trailer
"You're not getting a Porsche, son. Just an enviable acting career and a lifetime of willing poontang. That's right, I said poontang. I'm old school."
Check out the new Transformers trailer from Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg. I guess Jerry Bruckheimer was too busy hating blacks to produce this. Maybe it will be good.
One note on the trailer: My dad refused to buy me a porsche on my 16th birthday too, and robot aliens didn't fall from the sky. In fact, all that happened was that he mysteriously died in his sleep. Don't look at me, I was doing pushups at the time. What, you think these guns grew themselves?
Bang said the gavel, case closed.
May 17 2007Harvey Dent Picture from Dark Knight
The cleft in my chin says Justice.
As bloggers, we're legally required to report on it when anything Batman-related so much as queefs in our general direction.
On that note, here's the newest pic of Aaron Eckhart as DA Harvey Dent.
And how's this for a conspiracy theory - Eckhart starred opposite Katie Holmes in Thank You for Smoking, in which the two shared a love scene that was inexplicably cut from the movie at a festival showing, some say at the behest of Tom Cruise - and now that Eckhart's in the Batman sequel, Holmes is replaced with Maggie Gyllenhaal? I know you're behind this, Cruise!
Phew, sorry about that, I think I just channelled Harvey Levine for a second there. And now I'm all greasy.
May 17 2007Bee Movie Trailer Destroys Cartoon Logic
I was reasonably excited about Jerry Seinfeld's computer-animated comeback Bee Movie, but this new movie has really turned me off, raising too many questions about both this movie and the very nature of anthropomorphic animal movies in general.
Like A Bug's Life or Antz before it, Bee Movie tells the story of an insect doing typical shit with other insects, making fun of the nature of insects, their social structures, etc. It's all very cute. Where they lose me is the part when Jerry Seinfeld bee talks to a human! Wha?!
Hold the phone there, buddy. I had been assuming for all of these movies that the idea was that these animals are doing these very human things but that man was incapable of seeing or understanding it, either because animals have a strict code of hiding their humanity or that it's just being translated for audiences. If it turns out they can just talk to people whenever they want, are are willing to do so, that's somehow more ridiculous. How am I meant to believe it hasn't happened prior to this movie, in all of history? Am I completely off base here?
I really hope Bee Movie clears this all up in the actual film, because my over-analysis of the trailer has left me baffled. Maybe Stuart Little already covered all of this anyway.
May 17 2007Ong Bak 2 Bought by Zee Germans, or Something
To do list: 1. Throw baby elephant through window 2. Flex.
Ahh, you know what really hits the spot on a hungover Thursday morning? (Yes, I am that awesome - the doctors say it's booze induced) I'll tell you what, another excuse to post the elephant-throwing clip from The Protector.
Thailand's Sahamongkolfilm Intl. has struck a low seven figures deal with Germany's Splendid Films for muay thai martial arts actioner "Ong bak 2."The Weinstein Company still holds North America rights. Pic is a non-sequential sequel to "Ong bak," which was breakout movie for action star Tony Jaa. Jaa both stars on and is helming "Ong bak 2."
To me, that all sounded like "Blah blah blah Ong Bak 2 blah blah blah." Thai action movies could teach their American counterparts a thing or two. Namely, if you're gonna make a dumb action movie, make it really dumb, and really action-packed. Otherwise you get mediocre, watered-down, wannabe-epic garbage like Troy or anything Jerry Bruckheimer has ever done (I also heard he hates blacks).
I like Tony Jaa because he could kick a giraffe in the face and because let's face it, young Thai boys are hot. See him do cool stuff, after the jump.
Continue Reading "Ong Bak 2 Bought by Zee Germans, or Something"
May 17 2007Elijah Wood To Play Iggy Pop
Elijah Wood is now confirmed to be taking on the role of punk rocker Iggy Pop in an upcoming biopic, reports Variety. Pop fans will surely be nearly as excited to hear about this little twerp playing their idol as they were when they heard "Lust for Life" in that commercial for Club Med.
I'm sorry, Elijah, but you just don't have enough of that gangling, muscular, strung-out look needed to frighten me the way Iggy does. But on the plus side, this is probably the only time not looking like Iggy Pop will ever be considered a negative.
May 16 2007No County For Old Men Pictures
Ropes of Silicon has the first images from the new Coen Brothers film No Country For Old Men. The shots show that while there may be no country for old men, there is Josh Brolin holding a gun, Tommy Lee Jones looking skeptical, and Javier Bardem dressed as Johnny Cash meets He-Man. I'm excited.
May 16 2007First Official Shots from Rambo IV
My only reaction to these new shots from John Rambo was, "Yup. That's Rambo all right." Same guy, same mullet thing, a little older, but nothing really new. I don't know what I was hoping for, I'm just saying a glowing cybernetic eye goes a long way.
See more non-cyborg Rambo under the cut.
May 16 2007See This Clip of Cavemen Before it Goes Way of Dodo
The road to obscurity is sometimes long and filled with cowboy outfits.
Here's a clip of ABC's upcoming pilot, Cavemen. "I really like the Cavemen, I thought it was a great idea for a show," said a moron while high on drugs.
Yup, it's based on that Geico commercial. And no, they didn't get the original actor who was really the only good part of those commercials.
ABC says: "Meet Joel, his younger brother Jamie, and his best friend Nick, three cavemen living in modern-day Atlanta. These cavemen continually find themselves at odds with contemporary society as they struggle to overcome their physical appearance and the accompanying stereotypes."
I say: The cavemen should do battle with their arch nemesis, the Noid, who wears a red suit and serves sub-par pizza.
Once I saw a gay porno where the Maytag repairman cornholed the Pillsbury Doughboy while the Budweiser frogs wacked off.
That's right, ladies, I watch homosexual pornography. I'm just that comfortable with my sexuality.
May 16 2007Thomas Jane Drops Out of Punisher 2, Touch With Reality
I just love my new triceps. Thanks, meth!
Thomas Jane is pulling out of Punisher 2. In a barely coherent strongly worded letter to AICN, he writes,
"I’m writing to tell you that I regretfully and painfully had to pull out of P2. I can’t tell you how completely broken up I am about it. After busting my ass at the gym four days a week for almost two years, watching every character driven action pic that any fan would ask me to watch while I was standing in line buying egg whites and Tuna fish (Leon the Professional, Oldboy, The Seven-Ups (GREAT flick), Point Blank, Escape from NY, The Driver, Magnum Force, The Mechanic, The Great Silence, Sexy Beast, Nighthawks, Cry Vengeance (check it out), Road Warrior, Man on Fire, Outlaw Josey Wales, Rocky (think about it), Serpico, etc etc etc.) after countless Saturday nights making notes and drinking soda water and munching on seaweed sticks while my daughter slept on my lap to the sound of automatic gunfire, (now she can’t sleep without it. I had to make a tape of automatic gunfire to play in her room at night) after hauling myself to any ‘Guns! Knifes! Ammo!’ show in any small town that I found myself in shooting Killshot or The Mist or Mutant Chronicles, after torn ligaments, screwed up rotator cuffs, thousands of $$$ on ridiculously huge vitamins, overly long conversations with frighteningly tall men about The Fastest Way To Kill Someone With Your Bare Hands, and after a dude refused to sell me a Fatburger at 2am on Santa Monica Blvd, I am, sadly – no, make that heartbrokenly – f*** it - just rip out the heart and stomp it into the pavement a couple of times – pulling out. Punisher fans are already fighting an uphill battle as it is. And I’ve always felt a responsibility to fight that fight for them and with them so that Frank Castle gets the treatment he deserves."
To me, the two most shocking things about this story are: A. They were making a Punisher sequel? Why why why? and B. Wow, Thomas Jane must do a lot of cocaine.
Seriously, buddy, after a ramble like that I think it's clear you need to switch to Adderall.
On the bright side, perhaps they can get Dolph Lundgren back! I heard he's not doing anything. From his grandma. With whom he now lives.
May 15 2007Vaughn and Wilson Say No to 'Outsourced', Fat Chicks
"I think I speak for both of us when I say, 'Go f*** yourself, Hank Azaria.'"
Hank Azaria (of Simpson's fame) is reporting that Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson have dropped out of Outsourced, a project developed specifically for them that Azaria is directing.
"The Simpsons" voice actor has put his acting career on hold to shoot "Outsourced," a comedy that marks Azaria’s directorial debut. "It’s about these two guys who work at a factory in Southern California," Azaria said. "Their jobs get outsourced to Mexico, and they decide 'Well, we like Mexico. Let’s go down there and work down there'. And they become like the Norma Raes of Mexico."
Asked for comment, Vaughn and Wilson allegedly responded, "Wait, so you do the voice of an Indian guy on a cartoon, and based on that you decide to direct a movie called Outsourced, but it's set in Mexico? Weird."
Okay, so no Vaughn and Owen Wilson. How 'bout Ben Stiller and Luke Wilson? Will Farrell and William H. Macy? Vin Diesel and Ice Cube? I'm sure he'll figure it out.
In the meantime, Daddy'll be drinkin'.
May 15 2007"Yippee Kai-Yay, MF" Cut Entirely?
Straight guys are named Bruce too, you know.
The news that Live Free or Die Hard will be rated PG-13 isn't exactly new, but now Monsters and Critics is reporting that "Yippee Kai-Yay, Motherf***er" has been cut entirely. From the post, it's a little unclear whether this information has been confirmed, or whether this is just an inference based on the rating.
If it's true, it's bogus. Real men like me only cut motherf***ers in prison.
May 15 2007The GamePlan Poster: I Smell Originality
The poster for The Rock's new movie, Daddy Day Care Are We There Yet The GamePlan is out. From what I can gather from the poster, Rock's character makes love to a striking bulldog who then gives birth to a briefcase-toting ballerina, and a black guy on his team is totally not sold on the idea. Also, his team plays on a white carpet covered in dirt clods.
Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? Smells like hilarity, stewed to perfection!
UPDATE: See the trailer here. Durp! Tough guys are powerless when it comes to girl stuff! Durp Durp Durp!
May 15 2007Eli Roth to Make Trailer Movie
"Yeah, she's a professor.. OF BEING A DOG! FACE!"
Based on the success of the fake trailers in Grindhouse, Eli Roth is planning a movie that consists entirely of trailers. And the trailer for that movie is going to BLOW YOUR MIND.
May 15 2007Tim Allen to Get Pummeled...in New Film (sigh)
My agent promised me this movie will be better than the Chuck Liddell episode of Entourage
David Mamet's upcoming mixed martial arts drama has just unleashed the coke snitch curse, dooming itself to failure by casting Tim Allen.
That's right, folks. The former coke dealer and hacky comedian and current star of everything that is soulless and evil joins the cast of Redbelt, playing a "troubled action star with marital problems who meets the master when he is getting pummeled in a street fight."
Okay, well I like the getting pummeled part. Couldn't that just be the movie? Could it be a documentary?
Eh, to be completely fair, he was pretty good in Galaxy Quest.
Redbelt will also star Emily Mortimer, Alice Braga, Joe Mantegna, Rodrigo Santoro, Ricky Jay, David Paymer, Rebecca Pidgeon and Jose Pablo Cantillo, along with martial artists and fighters Randy Couture, John Machado, Danny Inosanto, Enson Inoue and Ray Mancini.
May 15 2007Resident Evil: Extinction Poster
Look out, currently residing evil, 'cause Milla Jovovich has got these two awesome guns, and she's all like "bla-blat! bla-blat! bla-blat!" and zombies are all gonna be like "whaaaaaaa?" Seriously.
May 15 2007Point Break 2: Search for Asian Swayze and Reeves
"Hey Bodhi, check it out: I'm doing an impression of your career."
That's right, I said Point Break 2. No doubt inspired by Hot Fuzz's Point Break tribute, Peter Iliff (Patriot Games) will write and direct the sequel, which will be set in Southeast Asia and financed by...Asians. And it will star...Asians.
RGM's CEO Devesh Chetty said casting will include English-language and Asian male leads and Asian female love interest.
"It is really important that this film stands on its own two feet and we will be looking for a young male action star at the same stage in his career as Keanu (Reeves) was," Chetty said.
Asian Keanu Reeves, Asian Keanu Reeves...Might I suggest...Tony Jaa? Too talented?
Honestly, I just said that so I'd have an excuse to post the elephant throwing clip from The Protector. Epic.
Continue Reading "Point Break 2: Search for Asian Swayze and Reeves"
May 15 2007Wayans Brothers Making More Crap
Rogue Pictures has made a deal for a film starring Marlon Wayans in the title role of Super Bad James Dynomite, an adaptation of a comedic comic book made by the Wayans brood about a blaxploitation anti-hero in the vein of Shaft or Dolemite. The only explanation for this move is that no one from Rogue Pictures has ever seen White Chicks, Little Man, Scary Movie Scary Movie 2, the sitcom The Wayans Bros., or anything else a featuring two or more Wayans, because there is an inherent paradox in having both watched White Chicks and sponsoring the work of the makers of White Chicks. The brain would never let the body act in such a way.
May 15 2007Spielberg and Jackson Team Up for Tintin
Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson have announced they will develop a trilogy of computer animated 3D Tintin films. Based on Georges Remi's (under the pen name of Herge) popular Belgian comic strip, each director will helm at least one of the pictures, though it's still unclear who will do the third.
Jackson explained that the characters will retain Remi's original designs, but alter the cartoon look to a photorealistic level, making them look "like real people — but real Herge people!" Or, in other words, they're going to look really f***ing creepy. Looking like Tintin works in an illustrated world, but can you imagine it as reality? Imagine those beady little eyes, glassy and real, staring out of his perfectly ovular head, straight into your soul. Absolutely terrifying.
May 14 2007Draining Broken Lizard: "Super Troopers 2"
Office-eeeerrr, you act like an animal you're out of control...
In a recent interview, Broken Lizard's Paul Soter admitted that the troupe* was planning a sequel to Super Troopers.
”The more we thought about it we said we should do it,” says Soter. “They are great characters and we still have a lot of material left over.”
Let's hope to God they get Brian Cox back. Brian Cox eats scrap metal and shits razor blades.
Even though their last two movies kinda blew, and let's be honest here, even Super Troopers sort of shot its wad in the opening scene, you still have to respect the fact that these guys pretty much decided, "Hey, now that we're famous we can just write a bunch of stuff where we get to drink beer and touch breasts." Good on ya, boys.
*I hate this word. It's like saying that if you're a comedian, you have to be some sort of Kids in the Hall Nancy boy type. That's why when I do improv, I do it with a comedy horde, or a comedy platoon. That's right, ladies, don't let the nylons fool you, I'm all man.
May 14 2007Most Shocking News Ever: Lars von Trier Depressed
They call me "Cherry Danish"
A Danish newspaper is reporting that Lars von Trier, one of the founding members of the Dogme movement, suffers from a deep depression that is threatening his career.
This isn't exactly a shocker; if you watch any of his movies it's pretty obvious they were made by a depressed guy. Kinda like when you watch a Jerry Bruckheimer film, it's pretty obvious he hates blacks.
PS - If you want to see a good von Trier film, go with The Idiots. It's about a group of depressed people that pretend to be retarded to feel better. Kind of like Jerry Bruckheimer.
May 12 2007The Rock to Play Captain Marvel?
She loves you, Yeah Yeah Yeah.
Don't you just love headlines with question marks at the end? "Paris Hilton Has Syphilis?" "Britney Spears Adopts Lemur?" You get all excited and flip to the middle of the magazine, is it true, is it true? - only to find: guess what? We don't f***ing know either! I went to journalism school!
Anyway, today in questionable headlines, The Rock to Play Captain Marvel? That's the rumor. Someone heard about it and printed it, and then someone else put it on the Internet, and then I rewrote it in smartassican and put it on the Internet again.
It's a wonderful time to be alive.
According to one source, Mr. Rock (who recently got done working with Peter Segal on "Get Smart") has discussed the idea of playing Captain Marvel: "Listen, John August is writing the script and he's a tremendous writer, and I'll just wait for the script to come in. But I'd love to work with Pete again, and certainly would want to work with John August. So there's a strong possibility."The DC comic is about a kid who morphs into a mega-powerful super-hero after uttering a magic word.
May 12 2007Bat Blueballs: Teaser Page for The Dark Knight
The teaser page for The Dark Night is now up. Get excited.
I loved Batman Begins, but Chris Nolan seems to have gone to the Ridley Scott shakey cam school of directing when it comes to action sequences. What does his storyboard look like?
A bird. A plane. A fist. A foot. Uh, a blurry, uh, a blurry shot of a guy’s lapel? A shaky, uh, a shaky dark thing?
The story and characters were great, but I for one hope the new movie has action sequences where you can actually tell what the f***'s going on.
May 12 2007Al Capwn: Nic Cage is Gangsta, Yo
See that guy on the computer in his underwear? I'm tired of him making fun of my movies.
For anyone who was wondering when we'd finally see the petulant, neurotic side of Al Capone, you're in luck. Capone will be played by none other than Nic Cage in Brian De Palma's upcoming Untouchables prequel, Capone Rising.
Cage will play a younger version of Al Capone, the character made famous by Robert De Niro. [the film] will revolve around the early dealings between Capone and Irish cop Jimmy Malone, a role that garnered an Oscar for Sean Connery.Connery got the Oscar win for his brave portrayal of an Irish cop with a Scottish brogue. You have to respect an actor who refuses to learn his character's vernacular (Richard Gere in First Knight, anyone?).
You know what? I'll say it: I've never been that impressed with anything Brian De Palma's done, and I'm sort of confused as to why people talk about him like he's Hitchcock. The first movie of his that comes to mind when I try to think of stuff he's done that I've liked is The Fury, and that didn't really get good until peoples' heads started exploding.
So there you have it, De Palma. Please make Nic Cage's head explode.
De Palma remix from YouTube, after the jump.
May 11 2007More Bret Easton Ellis: "The Informers"
"Can you identify the man you say you saw stealing watermelons, Mrs. Stanton?"
Say what you will about 10 page ruminations on Whitney Houston, Bret Easton Ellis writes a pretty kickass book. And with an Informers movie adaptation now in the works to go along with American Psycho, Rules of Attraction, and Less Than Zero, he may be entering Steven King territory where even his email forwards of pee-drinking monkey videos get made into movies.
Here's what the "journalists" say about it:
Based on the author's 1995 collection of interrelated vignettes, the film is the first to be adapted by Ellis himself (with help from documentarian Nicholas Jarecki, who was originally set to direct and is also a producer). As can be expected of Ellis' work, the film will follow a number of amoral characters, including a pop star, a Hollywood player and a vampire. The criss-crossing stories are set in Los Angeles in 1983, though it is possible the adaptation -- like Rules -- could be modernized.
UPDATE: According to iwatchstuff.com reader Pat Bateman (it might not be his real name): Over the summer during his book tour for "Lunar Park", Ellis confirmed the screen adaptation would take place in the 80s.
May 11 2007Early Poster Art From Sicko
Nothing sells me on a film like the threat of Michael Moore's chubby fingers maneuvering their way into my sphincter, so I absolutely adore the new poster for Sicko, Moore's sure-to-be scathing documentary about America's wretched health care system, coming June 29th. The one-sheet is still obviously without the text, but it will supposedly carry the message "This might hurt a little." The clever double-meaning points out both that exposing the truth of health care will hurt and that it's going to really f***ing hurt when Moore gets his hand up your ass, because he doesn't pull out until he's found either food or GM CEO Roger Smith.
May 11 2007Bratz Trailer "4 Real"
The Bratz describe their friendship longevity in three letters: BFF.
I've been vocal about my enthusiasm about seeing the Bratz doll line brought to screens, but I really think they missed the mark on this one. Though I'm not actually familiar with Bratz canon, I had assumed what made them so appealing was that they were these big time brats, mainly because their sexy big heads, lips and eyes allowed them the luxury. In this trailer, however, the four eponymous BFFs seem to act only marginally bratty, and actually reform their bratitude to take down the school's primary brat. As if!
The film's saving grace may be that the dialog is so littered with BFFs, OMGs and the like that it will become utterly dated within two years. Like this generation's Clueless, Bratz will be the 2007 time capsule of how our stupidest high school girls chatter.
See it here, 4 real.
May 10 2007Blonde Ambition Trailer
Take 1988's Working Girl, remove every iota of talent, and you've got Blonde Ambition. It's genuinely one of the worst trailers I've seen, even keeping in mind that the intended audience is idiots. If I can say one thing good, it's that this is a really ideal vehicle for Jessica Simpson to show what a big dumb bimbo she is.
May 10 2007Hi-Res Transformers Characters
If Andy Dick were a robot.
Yeah, so you think you've seen all the Transformers guys by now, but have you seen them in high resolution?! I didn't think so.
I don't really know very much about the Transformers, but at a glance I have to guess this guy above is probably one of the worst, and is probably frequently subjected to whatever the robot equivalent of a wedgie is.
May 10 2007The Golden Door Trailer
Surely capitalizing on the popularity of QVC's Gold Week--a promise of the year's most fantastic deals in gold products--Charlotte Gainsbourg (The Science of Sleep) stars in The Golden Door. If Titanic didn't fulfill your lifetime requirement for upper class girl falls for lower class guy on an ocean liner across the Atlantic stories, this one will fulfill all those needs where Boat Trip let you down.
May 10 2007Three More Terminators Probably Coming
Variety reports that Halcyon has bought the rights to the Terminator franchise, allowing the privately funded company to continue burying the series without even the interference of pesky series star Arnold Schwarzenegger. T3 writers John Brancato and Michael Ferris have already written part four, presenting a John Connor in his 30s leading man's revolt against the machines, and say the chapter leads into a full second trilogy... unless I send an intelligent robot--a learning computer, if you will--into the past to stop this deal before it happens!
But let's not count on that. I'm not even sure it's entirely possible. More likely, we'll see three more terrible Terminator movies.
May 10 2007Feldman-less Lost Boys Sequel to be Directed by Guy Name P.J.
As if straight to DVD wasn't bad enough, now comes the news that Lost Boys 2, er, Lost Boys: The Tribe will no longer include Corey Feldman, and will be directed by P.J. Pesce, the guy who did Sniper 3 and Dusk Till Dawn 3.
I can imagine how the interview went. "Dude, look at my resume. I have shitty sequel experience."
He will be directing a script by Hans Rodionoff, who has both shitty sequel experience (The Skulls II) and vampire experience (Sucker: The Vampire).
They're old salts. This should be good.
May 10 2007ALL SEQUELS, ALL THE TIME!
"Quick, somebody beat it!"
If you're a big Hollywood exec, why take a chance on a new project? It's a safer bet to go with something that's already established and then milk that cow till it shits blood.
Here is just some of the sequel news that's floating around:
L.A. Confidential 2
Terminators 4-6
Step Up 2 [Ed. Note: Yeah, I hadn't heard of it either]
Pirates of the Caribbean 4
Fantastic Four 3
Superman 2 (or is it 6?)
Hostel 2
Shrek 4
Sin City 2
Indiana Jones 5
Harry Potter 6
Rambo 4
Lost Boys 2
And I'm sure I missed a few. I didn't even bother with spinoffs and remakes.
May 10 2007Bruce Willis Pwns Michael Bay, is My Hero
Why won't this hack die?
Apparently, Bruce Willis has been speaking out over on AICN about the new Die Hard Movie. I'll spare you the details of him defending the PG-13 rating, because the really interesting part is what he had to say when someone asked him about the possibility of Michael Bay doing a Die Hard film:
Wrote Willis: [Bay] “Would have ruined DH4. Few people will work with him now, and I know I will never work with him again.”
And he wasn't done telling it like it is. He also had this to say about producer Joel Silver (V for Vendetta, Gothika, Veronica Mars, House of Wax)
“F*** Joel Silver,” Willis responded. “That is because you do not understand my relationship with Joel S. We are cordial now when we bump into each other, but we have not worked together since Last Boy Scout.”“If my remarks here should ever appear in print, I will stand by them, but in the heat of the moment, when I was being told that only Joel S. could make a good Die Hard, I had to speak up. I should probably remain more diplomatic, but as this is a Site that primarily deals with Film, I spoke my mind. Joel S. know how I feel about him. And Perfect Stranger was ruined by the producers. Oddly enough, that film was meant to be a hard R rating, but when all the things that were meant to be in it were cut, EXCEPT for the F***’s, they got a PG-13 rating. Weird right? I was disappointed with that film, and I agree with you opinion of it. Everyone tried hard, worked hard, but it was not to be.”
There you have it, folks. Bruce Willis spends all his time ranting on message boards too. And to be honest, after seeing this clip of him wasted at a basketball game, I thought my opinion of him couldn't get any higher.
Except for that hanging out with your ex-wife and her new husband thing. That shit's weird.
May 10 2007Two Live-Action Star Wars Headed to TV
George Lucas announced to Fox News that he has decided to continue making the Star Wars universe shittier, injecting more of his out-of-touch ideas of humor and romance into two hour-long made-for-TV Star Wars movies. The director added that the stories won't involve the Skywalker family, and he has not yet determined what network they will air on.
At this point, having completely given up on the chance of a respectable Star War, I'm hoping they do this on the Lifetime Channel. Dean Cain stars as The Perfect Jedi, a young Jedi powerful with the Force and great with the son of single mom Shmoora (Tracey Gold). But it seems her suitor has a dark side, and as his Sith powers (and alcoholism) take control, Shmoora must go to extreme lengths to save her son... and the galaxy.
Oh, and ol' Lucas also said Spider-Man 3 was "a silly movie." I don't think the irony of this needs to be explained.
May 9 2007Tim Roth to Play Hulk Villain
The Incredible Hulk will be matched against the oversized adversary Abomination, and Tim Roth will play the villain's alter ego, Emil Blonsky.Despite the fact that the first Hulk sucked with Ang Lee and this one's going to be directed by the guy who did The Transporter, this story gives me reason to be optimistic.
1. Like Edward Norton, Tim Roth usually seems to me a pretty competent actor.
2. "Blonsky is a KGB agent who deliberately exposes himself to the gamma rays that caused Bruce Banner to morph into the Hulk. Blonsky has upped the dosage, making him larger and stronger than the Hulk, but unable to change back to human form." Meaning, if Tim Roth is going to act in the movie (and not just do a voice), and he's going to be a bigger and stronger version of the hulk the whole time, we now have reason to believe (or at least hope) that the Hulk's nemesis isn't going to just be some big piece of CGI, and by extension perhaps neither will the Hulk.
Is that too much of a stretch? Probably.
And by the way, I spend half my day deliberately exposing myself and all I ever seem to get are restraining orders. Where the heck do I find these gamma rays?
May 9 2007Nancy Grace Slithers off Into Sunset, CNN
Sorry about the picture. To our knowledge, she's never been photographed with her mouth closed.
Despite the ample wood I sported this morning and the satisfying bowel movement I just had, today is sad day. It's a sad day because Nancy Grace has decided to end her show on Court TV after 10 years. I've always said Nancy was a true CILCS*.
From now on, to get your daily fix of bile-spewing piles of rancid excrement you'll have to tune to The View, The O'Reilly Factor, Dr. Phil, C-Span, or reruns of Futurama (that's right, Frye, I'm calling you out, you orange-haired c*cksucker).
Or (sigh), Grace herself, still on CNN (double sigh).
Grace said she is leaving Court TV to focus on her legal analysis program, "Nancy Grace," on CNN Headline News and on her charitable endeavors.One only hopes one of her charitable endeavors will include jumping in a volcano.
Clips of Nancy Grace variously getting ripped on and obnoxiously bloviating, after the jump.
*C_nt I'd Like to Curb Stomp
Continue Reading "Nancy Grace Slithers off Into Sunset, CNN"
May 9 2007Jessica Biel is Hot, Chinese
"I would never be in a movie with Dane Cook like that Jessica Alba trollop."
Chun-Li from Street Fighter, that sixteen-bit sexpot spank material for adolescent boys before the advent of online porn, is supposedly going to be played by Jessica Biel in a new, disappointingly Van Damme-less movie version of the video game.
Jessica Biel doesn't look very much like a Chinese girl to me, but she does look like the girl I had sex with last night!
I taught her the old ping pong ball trick so the character would be more authentic. (Here's where I'd make that sound with my finger and cheek that they do at the beginning of "Lollypop")
May 9 2007Once Trailer
So. How bout we grab one too many pints and I smack you around a bit?
Normally I hate musicals. They're just too realistic. Honestly, how many times have you been hanging with your boys, on your way to go beat up a gang of Puerto Ricans when someone starts singing and soon everyone breaks into a choreographed dance number? More times than you can count, if you're anything like me (and trust me, I can count, like, super high). But come on, Hollywood, I go to the movies to escape.
Still, Once has been getting some rave reviews, even from Peter Travers, one of the few critics with whom I consistently agree. The trailer doesn't exactly light my nuts on fire though, so I guess we'll see.
Here's the official rundown:
A modern day musical set on the streets of Dublin. Featuring Glen Hansard and his Irish band 'The Frames,' the film tells the story of a street musician and a Czech immigrant during an eventful week as they write, rehearse and record songs that reveal their unique love story.
Watch the trailer (QuickTime)
May 9 2007Bourne Ultimatum Trailer
"Matt Da-mon!"
Kung fu! Motorcycles! Bad puns! The guy from Good Will Hunting! That's right, retards, it's Bourne Ultimatum trailer time. If you ever wondered what it would be like if they made James Bond without the charm, or xXx without black people, here's your answer.
May 9 2007Rosie Hopes to Continue Ruining Mornings
Bob Barker says: "Keep your dirty hands off my Plinko."
Rosie O'Donnell, currently finishing up her final season of morning blabbering with The View, is reportedly looking to spread her evil into the game show venue, and her hungry eyes are set on the granddaddy of them all, The Price is Right. Luckily longtime host Bob Barker, along with civilized society, has expressed incredible hatred at the possibility. She may still have a chance, though, as producers are rumored to not love any of the current contenders for the position, including George Hamilton and Mario Lopez, indicating to me that they're starting their search at either The Surreal Life house or a homeless shelter.
What kind of world is it where Slater is the preferred host of The Price is Right? Not one where I want to be bidding.
May 9 2007Rodriguez Deciding Between Future and Past
Sleestaks from the horrific drug-induced nightmare of Sid and Marty Krofft's Land of the Lost.
Despite poor numbers from Grindhouse, The Hollywood Reporter claims Robert Rodriguez is still in high demand, with the director currently deciding between two future projects (in addition to Sin City 2): a live-action remake of The Jetsons or a Will Ferrell remake of Sid and Marty Krofft's Land of the Lost. Strangely, no one is mentioning releasing both titles as a sequel to Grindhouse entitled Irrelevant-anachronistic-retro-television-House. Rodriguez could turn Jetsons into an action-packed, gory thrill ride (in 3-D), while collaborator Quentin Tarantino could alternate the exciting dino-action of Land of the Lost with long, tedious conversations where the Sleestaks debate why Silver Surfer is ultimately cooler than a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
But Jesus, please don't really.
May 8 2007New Hairspray Posters Make Me Want to Cut Myself
Please, someone stop the beat. With a gun.
Does anyone else find these new Hairspray posters thoroughly horrifying? They're like rabid wolverines painted magenta that chase you around the room, staring at you with their dead eyes. And then the ice weasels come.
The movie's an adaptation of the Broadway musical which itself was an adaptation of the 1988 John Waters movie.
Remember how in Multiplicity Michael Keaton cloned himself, but the fourth clone was a clone of another clone and came out retarded? Yeah, you'd have to be a botched retarded clone to wanna go see this.
"She touched my pepe, Steve."
You can check out Cinematical for all the posters, my version of Photoshop makes me tuck my penis between my legs and drink Boones after a certain level of neon.
May 8 2007Iron Man in high resolution
Entertainment Weekly showed the first shot of Iron Man's final suit last week, but now Paramount has officially released a high resolution version. Click the above shot for the full Iron Man suit in all its glory. It's the exact same shot as last week, just way less blurry. And there may or may not be a pirate in the background. (Hint: There's not)
An additional shot of Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark after the jump.
May 8 2007Mexican Directors Steal American Jobs by Being Cheaper, Better
"Yes, I bought this bracelet from a street vendor. What's it to you, f***face?"
Three of my favorite movies of the last few years are Pan's Labrynth, Y tu mama tambien, and Amores perros. Now their directors are unionizing teaming up.
Guillermo del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth), Alfonso Cuaron (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Children of Men) and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (Babel) have joined together as a team. The Mexican director trio, who conceived the idea independently, are attempting to sell themselves in an "all-or-nothing, five-picture deal," according to the LA Times.The three directors created arguably three of the top 10 movies of 2006, and they know it. They are hoping that an American studio to bankroll the five films for $100 million.
I wonder what Benicio Del Toro would think about this. Chances are, he'd just squint his eyes, take a long drag on his cigarette and say, "Very good, my friend. Very good," while blowing the smoke out his nose.
May 7 2007Go Watch Wall Street 2 You Broke P****
"Grab the bull by the balls, kid."
Get those gun fingaz ready, I-bankers! Just as that Boiler Room DVD started collecting dust comes the news that Fox has signed deals with the original producer and writer of Wall Street for a sequel.
Stephen Schiff's script, Money Never Sleeps, will follow Gordon Gekko's release from jail and entry into the exciting world of hedge funds. The project is being set-up as a potential starring vehicle for Michael Douglas. Oliver Stone is not expected to return as director.Phew, for a minute there, I was worried the next generation of white-collar criminals would grow up without a morally bankrupt anti-hero to worship. Gordon Gekko is like Scarface for yuppies.
On a serious note, what the hell kind of WASP name is "Gekko"?
May 7 2007Spider-Man to Fight Carnage, Lizard, Apathy
Nerd Boner News Hour:
As superhero movies go, Spider-Man 3 may not be X-Men 2, but it's not exactly Daredevil, either. Still, the idea that I'm reporting on the villains spidey will fight in the next movie before anyone knows whether the director or any of the stars will be back makes me want to take a clearasil shower.
Dylan Baker, who apparently is the one-armed college professor who has appeared briefly in all of the Spider-Man movies, will become the lizard-like villain known cryptically as "Lizard" after injecting himself with reptilian DNA in an attempt to re-grow his missing arm, while Carnage is a serial killer named Cletus Kasady who comes into contact with some of Eddie Brock's "symbiote" goo in prison just before my mom caught me masturbating to Counselor Troi and made me go to the doctor to get dandruff medication.
May 5 2007Andy Samberg and "The Dudes" Teaser Trailer
The Wicked Sensitive Crew
The Lonely Island crew, SNL star Andy Samberg and writers Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Taccone, have a movie coming out and you can watch the teaser trailer over at Yahoo.
"The Dudes" are leaders of all that is good and still relevant at SNL, every week doing battle with Kenan Thompson and his forces of evil and 12-minute fat-black-guy-in-drag sketches armed only with their oft-YouTubed SNL Digital shorts such as "Sloths" and "Roy Rules".
This is Akiva Schaffer's feature film debut, but he and his buddies have been making great short movies for years. If you've never seen them, check them out at the Lonely Island. I personally recommend "Just Two Guys."
The only thing that worries me about the trailer is that it doesn't have any music videos, which is really where the dudes excel.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shank my mom with pterodactyl dick bone.
May 4 2007Hairspray: John Travolta is Ugly, Woman
The thetans will never find me in here!
The trailer for the remake of Hairspray is out. It looks like it got remade because the (1988, John Waters) original was too tongue-in-cheek. And if Terminator 2 has taught us anything, it's that when stuff becomes self aware it's, like, dangerous or something.
Oh, and newsflash, guys, John Travolta does not need makeup to look fat. Come to think of it, he doesn't need prosthetic tits either. And hell, he doesn't need to dress like a woman to kiss a man. The only thing he needs is Scientology. Scientology and Doritos.
May 4 2007Michael Bay Ruins Cinema - New Pics!
The LA Times has two new pics from Transformers that are pretty underwhelming, but it also contains the news that the studio is already developing a script for the sequel.
I don't know about these guys. See, when I'm taking a dump, I know I've gotta be right there in the moment, focusing all my energy on the dump at hand, or rather, the dump at butt. What if I can't get part of the dump out? What if too much of the dump comes out too fast and I get splashback? What if I squeeze part of the dump out, get startled, and the rest of the dump goes back in my butt? These are important considerations, and I need all my wits about me to deal with them. I can't be thinking about tomorrow's dump, or the next day's dump, or a dump I'm gonna take two dumps from next Thursday. I just have to go out there and take it one dump at a time.
A sequel before the first movie's done? Jeez, you'd think these studio execs have never taken a dump before.
May 4 2007Beetlejuice 2 Coming to DVD Shelves
The long-rumored follow-up to 1988's Beetlejuice looks like it may finally be on the way, but it appears to be taking the unfortunate course of bypassing theaters and moving straight to your local Blockbuster. Since it's direct-to-video, the sequel won't likely have Tim Burton, Michael Keaton, or any of the star talent of its predecessor, but if you've ever wanted to see a Beetlejuice with Eric Roberts, Clint Howard, Randy Quaid, Keith or Robert Carradine, Stephen or Billy Baldwin, or basically any actor's uglier brother, this might be the chance.
May 4 2007Malkovich Malkovich? Malkovich.
"Don't mind the wedding ring, fellas; it's play time. Ever bedded a man who can crush walnuts with his rectum?"
The Coen brothers are trying to get John Malkovich to join George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Frances McDormand in their current project, Burn After Reading. The mere thought gives me a giant boner. But then, so do Golden Girls reruns. Maybe I'm weird? Anyway ladies, easily aroused. Call me.
The dark screwball comedy centers on Ozzie Cox (Malkovich), a former CIA agent who loses the disc of the memoir he is writing. McDormand will play Cox's philandering wife. Clooney is set to play an assassin.
May 4 2007The Simpsons Movie Posters
Six (6!) posters for the upcoming The Simpsons Movie have found there way ON THE INTERNET! Just a warning, ladies: you'll need more than a crinkle-cut French fry to cover my wiener. If you're going to cover me with a side order, you'll need, as I've been told by a number of very pleased women, "something between a steak fry and a mozzarella stick." So why not place an order?
May 4 2007Iron Man Spy Video Footage
A spy (in the loosest sense of the term) for IESB shot some footage from the set of Iron Man, giving anxious viewers the first glimpse of how the superhero will go from prone to upright, apparently shooting a scene where Iron Man has been knocked to the ground. Play it for a friend, and when it's time say, "I'm Iron Man fallin'... and I can't get up!" Alluding to a fifteen-year-old commercial, you'll finally be known as your circle's "funny friend."
The footage is here, but as a warning, it took me a few minutes of reloading to get it to work.
May 4 2007Liv Tyler Loves The Hulk
Liv Tyler has signed on to star opposite Edward Norton in Marvel Studios' new version of The Hulk as Betty Ross, the longtime love interest to Dr. Bruce Banner. When Banner later transforms into his green gamma-radiated counterpart, Ross is the one most often forced to deal with the horrific phenomenon known as "Hulk rape," which has been described as "like giving birth to twins at the same time, but over and over and over again, and through the fly of tattered, purple pants."
May 4 2007License to Wed Trailer
Robin Williams puts a young couple through a series of relationship tests, surely none as grueling as this trailer, in License to Wed. Also starring Mandy Moore as the young bride-to-be and The Office's John Krasinski as Dane Cook, License to Wed utterly reinvents the genre of really stupid bullshit, with Williams showing that, even after RV, he's still trying just as hard to make you despise him.
May 3 2007Wedding Daze Trailer: Isla Fisher Still Hot
"I've got to make love to the iwatchstuff.com guy soon or my vagina will explode!"
The new Wedding Daze trailer's got Jason Biggs in underwear, toilet clogging jokes, and a title that wouldn't even be fresh in 1937, but Sasha Baron Cohen fiancee Isla Fisher* is still freakin' adorable.
Check out the trailer here. Borat, you bastard.
*Pronounced EYE-la, apparently. Who knew?
May 3 2007Live Free or Die Hard: Yippie Kai Yay! Uh..Dude.
"Okay, kid. Things are liable to get pretty intense in there. People are gonna die, heads will get blown off, I'll shout a lot; but whatever you do, don't swear. Swearing makes the baby Jesus cry."
In a victory for, like, Mormons everywhere, it looks like Live Free or Die Hard is going to be cut for a PG-13 rating.
I tried to watch the first Die Hard on basic cable once, but changed the channel when Bruce Willis shouted "Yippie Kai Yay, Mr. Falcon!" Seriously. I'll never understand why it's okay to bleep Jerry Springer but movie cursing has to be dubbed over with retarded gibberish.
"Forget you!" "No, forget you!" "Forget me? Forget your mother! In fact, both of you can go forget yourselves!" "Forget you and the horse you rode in on, pal."
May 3 2007Rush Hour 3 Trailer - Finally, Reason to Live!
Brett Ratner now the most important part of any film.
Just when you thought slitting those wrists was a good idea, the Rush Hour 3 trailer comes along to brighten your day! They're in France this time! You just know there's going to be singing in cars and racial stereotyping!
And in case the "3" next to the title doesn't tell you it's gonna be really, really good, they've also got BRETT RATNER'S NAME BEFORE THE TITLE. That's right, folks, he has arrived. He might as well just change his name to Brett Radner.
You know, a guy makes one or two shitty movies and you think, oh well, you'll get 'em next time, tiger, and you give the guy a hetero ass pat. At this point though, I think Brett Ratner's actively trying to ruin my day; actively plotting against me. You know, like the Jews.
May 3 2007Heroes Covers Give You New Obsessions
I don't watch the show, but I can tell you this guy on the right is a douche bag.
Obsessed fans of NBC's hit Heroes have a new way to obsess, as Entertainment Weekly just released their set of five Heroes covers for you to run out and buy. Each variant contains clues to the final episodes of the season, allowing you to deductively spoil one of the few pleasures in your miserable life. Each week, EW will continue to update the images with annotations to explain how the clues fit in, filling you with a false sense of personal pride in your new understanding of said clues.
What have we come to when we're studying magazine covers for hours just to scrape up some evidence that will give a hint of what's coming in a television show? I'll tell you as soon as I'm done watching last night's Lost in reverse, then frame-by-frame, just in case there's a hidden message somewhere. I love it when the writing is so clever that you have to be an obsessed freak to know what's going on.
See the other four here.
May 3 2007Robot Chicken Star Wars Clips
Somehow Seth Green and the folks at Adult Swim's Robot Chicken got the fat, hairy tube wrapped in flannel known as George Lucas to participate in a half-hour spoof of that Star War of his. The stop-motion series will feature the voices of both the creator and Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill. The special airs June 17, but until then you can see the skit above and a trailer here. Shortly after this, expect a new line of Star Wars Robot Chicken Action Figures you'll have to buy, because you're f***ing obsessed.
May 3 2007Hermione's Breasts Grow in 3-D Transfer
Perverts at PosterWire have determined, after careful, repeated examination, that Hermione's figure has been made more curvaceous for the IMAX version of the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix poster. To make it seem less creepy to have noticed, the site also mentions the change in actress Emma Watson's flowing hair, but them big ol' titties are really the highlight of the new poster, with controversy now surrounding the decision to add more sex appeal to a 17-year-old girl.
Personally, I see nothing wrong with the change. No harm in seeing a couple coming attractions before the feature (the feature being legal sex age). And honestly, would people be complaining if Emma Watson was kidnapped, and they were using this to show possible breast age progression to help find her and her new, giant boobs? I think not.
If the issue is making an underage girl over-sexualized, I've got news for you: they've made her less appealing to pedophiles. Believe me, there's nothing a pedophile wants more in a young lady than a boyish, breast-free physique. Except maybe access to the Internet and parents who are comfortable dropping you off in a motel parking lot. Hairlessness, too.
May 3 2007Gibson Claims Maverick 2 Coming, Desired
(In their hands, a deck of cards was the only thing more dangerous than a gun.)
Following a much-publicized anti-Semitic tirade made last July, Mel Gibson has again been caught making offensive statements, this time saying that there's talk of doing a sequel to Maverick. Gibson's outlandish claims continued as he stated, "I think audiences would probably like to see [Maverick] again too," despite the fact no one has ever requested to see either the character Maverick or the film Maverick more than once. Moreover, bathroom and snack breaks during the current film are often accompanied by such phrases as "don't bother pausing it" and "just yell if it gets good or has more Lethal Weapon references," indicative of the growing apathy for the 1994 western-comedy.
Gibson added to his crazed outburst with such statements as, "We really cooked the first time," and, "We've got some great ideas--I think audiences will enjoy what we've got in mind." He has yet to issue an apology for the remarks, but audiences are already supportive in trying to rehabilitate the man from such insane and hurtful beliefs.
May 2 2007Bret Easton Ellis to Adapt The Frog King
Using an axe gives me wood
Bret Easton Ellis, esteemed author of American Psycho, Rules of Attraction, and Less Than Zero, is writing a movie adaptation of The Frog King, which will star Joseph Gordon-Levitt from 3rd Rock From the Sun, and more recently, The Lookout.
Never heard of The Frog King? Uh, me neither.
How say you, internet?
The Frog King follows Harry, a man of privilege who is farting around in publishing, hating the politics and pretension that surround his work. This inspires him to come in late, spike his coffee and be a general ass -- a mindset that seeps into his relationship with Evie, an editorial assistant. He wants her, but he also wants to cheat on her.
Well I hope to God he cheats on her with a couple of hookers. Hookers that he later kills. Get writin', Bret, Daddy needs his medicine.
I also hope to God Joseph Gordon-Levitt takes the hyphen out of his name. I don't care if your mom was a hippie, pick a goddamned name. Same with those assholes from the Mars Volta. Rodriguez-Lopez? Seriously, you really needed both of those in there? Look, if you've got one ethnicity, go with one name. Having McCarthy-O'Sheas or Battaglia-Puccinis running around is just polluting the Earth with unnecessary syllables.
May 2 2007Rowan Atkinson Takes on Dickens
Mr. Bean, as usual, doing something asinine.
Director Peter Howitt and his producing partner Richard Johns are set to make a new version of the Charles Dickens classic David Copperfield that Johns claims will break the mold of mannered, reverential Dickens adaptations. "With Dickens," Johns said, "filmmakers have been trapped in this place where you have caricatured characters, but Peter wants to deal with them like real people."
Naturally, their mind went to Mr. Bean. Rowan Atkinson will play Mr. Micawber, Copperfield's landlord. As described, Atkinson will play the part not as a caricature but as a real person, assuming this "real person" is a bumbling retard making constant wide-eyed stares and strange noises.
May 2 2007First Look at Final Iron Man Suit
Iron Man bursts onto the set of a Cheech and Chong movie.
Entertainment Weekly's years of Buffy reflection issues and useless Star Wars articles (a favorite of mine being "Why Boba Fett Rules") have finally paid off, with the fluff magazine being treated to an exclusive first image of the new robo-suit featured in Iron Man. The familiar form and colors come as a relief to many nervous fans who feared the suit may be updated beyond recognition, hopefully allowing the fans to concentrate on their own wardrobe for once. That loose-fitting Dragonball Z button-down shirt is not considered dress clothes just because it has a collar, fellas.
May 1 2007Pirates of the Caribbean Featurette
Maybe if your mom cut down on the Chow Yun, she wouldn't be so fat. [Ed. Note - Sorry, it'll never happen again]
/Film has a new Pirates of the Caribbean featurette, which I think is like a feature that squats to pee.
You can watch it if you want, but I'm not. Nor will I watch Jerry B. castrate something cool for almost three hours when the movie comes out. See, anyone else makes a 3-hour movie about pirates and you're thinking, "Sweet, that's like a whole extra hour of rum, wenches, swordfighting, limbs getting blown off by cannons, and rape."
But with Jerry, you know it's just gonna be another hour of CGI ghosts, talking animals, and hell, maybe even Nic Cage.
Plus, I think this entire movie was miscast. See the actors I would've chosen, after the jump.
May 1 2007'Choke' on Sam Rockwell, Bitch
I too have eaten cat poop for a dollar
For those of us that have waited far too long for something like Fight Club, some good news:
In an email message, [writer of Fight Club and Choke] Palahniuk reportedly said that production on Choke would start on May 18. Clark Gregg has been nabbed as the director.
It obviously goes on to say that Sam Rockwell will be playing the lead, otherwise me posting that picture of him would be totally weird.
For you ignorant sluts out there (and I'm looking at you, grandma) Choke is a book by Fight Club writer Chuck Palahniuk about a guy who pretends to choke at restaurants. It'd be nice if David Fincher came back to direct this one too, but if my penis has taught me anything, it's that you can't always get what you want.
May 1 2007Superbad R-Rated Trailer
A new trailer for the hilarious-looking Superbad has been released, updating the previously released preview with raunchier, R-rated content. Like your stillborn twin sibling, this one looks a lot like the other one only with more dicks and pussies in various places. Still, it's worth seeing (the trailer, not your lump-of-flesh sibling).
May 1 2007MTV Movie Awards, Blah Blah Blah
The MTV Movie Award nomination list is out today, and everyone is covering it like it's an actual news story. You can go read all about it at whogivesashit.com.
God knows I really want to hear what the people who brought us Panic at the Disco (I know it's supposed to have an exclamation point; blow me) and Real World/Road Rules Challenge think about movies.
The silver lining in this cloud of pus and excrement is that Sarah Silverman will be hosting. Have you heard? She's Jewish and a comedienne and kinda sorta almost hot. Seriously though, she's funny. Celebrate with some clips, after the jump.
May 1 2007Fantastic Four Trailer
Silver like your grandmama's bush.
Apple's got the new full-length Fantastic Four trailer. Finally, someone made a comic book movie. I don't know what Hollywood has against comic books, I really don't.
Med-Res QuickTime
Low Res QuickTime
The movie was directed by Tim Story, who directed the first one as well as Taxi, so I'm sure this will be, like, really good and stuff.
[/sarcasm]
May 1 2007Nine Minutes of Ratatouille Online
Disney gambles on the popularity of a cartoon rodent.
Those interested in Pixar's latest effort should head to Disney's site, where nine minutes of the film have been posted. It appears Disney and Pixar have really taken a gamble with this one, daringly presenting the computer-generated story of an anthropomorphized rodent and an unlikely friendship, all with a dose of non-offensive humor and adventure. Additionally, the filmmakers have taken the risk of adding several goofy, somewhat-unbelievable characters to the mix. Strangely, the untested elements combine beautifully, creating a picture that would actually play quite well to two seemingly disparate groups: parents and children.
"Take ten" and watch the nine minutes of footage here. Use the final minute for reflection.
May 1 2007Nightwatching Trailer
To the delight of pretentious film snobs everywhere, Peter Greenaway has strung together another series of intricately composed shots of sex and decadence set to a minimalist score, this time covering the life of Rembrandt. Doughy-faced Martin Freeman certainly matches the plump look of the painter, and Greenaway's style has often been compared to Renaissance painting, but I can't help but think that maybe Rembrant would have wanted it differently.
Yes, by simply looking at such a work as Christ in the Storm on the Lake of Galilee, it's obvious Rembrant would have cast himself as a Lethal Weapon-era Mel Gibson. And besides being a painter, he'd also be leader of an F-14 squadron, whose brash, never-by-the-book piloting would surely get him killed if he weren't just so damn good.
"Chiroscur-you later, asshole," quips the Dutch master, ripping a hole through the side of an enemy plane. "Daaaaaamn," shouts Martin Lawrence, his co-pilot.
