Jun 1 2007Your Assignment for the Weekend
Aw, son of a bitch, not another flipper baby!
Okay, I know it's all been a barrell of drunk monkeys eating peaches and creaming up until now, but I've got some real shit to lay on you guys before the weekend. I haven't seen Knocked Up yet, but it's getting 90%+ on Rotten Tomatoes, and more importantly, it's the only movie that seems to have a realistic shot at out earning Butt Pirates of Turdland, the third installment of the JB tear-logy this weekend.
This is serious people. We need to show the studio execs out there that people will gravitate to actual intelligent filmmaking and not just lie still while receiving a dry anal rape from a marketing department somewhere. Plus, Jerry Bruckheimer hates blacks. That's messed up.
So that is your assignment. And remember, the first rule of iwatchstuff.com is...please talk about iwatchstuff.com. The second rule is, for the love of God, tell your friends. My mom won't even read it anymore. *pout*
Jun 1 2007Ocean's 13 Interview: Ellen Barkin Still Bonerworthy
"Ms. Barkin, we have reason to believe a handsome movie blogger wants you to be his sugar mommy."
Time.com just posted a great interview with some of the cast from Ocean's 13. Most of it plays out like a snappy back and forth from His Girl Friday, or an Aaron Sorkin show. Here's an exerpt:
What was it like being the only woman in the cast?BARKIN: Exhausting.
CLOONEY: You're a woman?
BARKIN: I tried to pack 14 of you into just a few weeks. It's a lot of ground to cover.
CLOONEY: If there's anybody who could do it ...
BARKIN: I started with Carl [Reiner] and worked back from there.
CLOONEY: Only fair. He could go at any minute.
At which point the interviewer bit down on his cigar and said, "Hah chi cha cha cha."
PS - I still think Ellen Barkin is totally do-able.
Jun 1 2007Battlestar Galactica Ending Next Season
A nasally, high-pitched cry was heard around the world today as the executive producers of Sci Fi's Battlestar Galactica announced that the fourth season of the acclaimed series will be its last, sending Edward James Olmos back to the streets. A statement explained the creative decision:
This show was always meant to have a beginning, a middle and, finally, an end. Over the course of the last year, the story and the characters have been moving strongly toward that end, and we've decided to listen to those internal voices and conclude the show on our own terms. And while we know our fans will be saddened to know the end is coming, they should brace themselves for a wild ride getting there: We're going out with a bang.
I, for one, am sad for the loss. Though I haven't watched the show, I've heard it's really riveting, and I've enjoyed ignorantly labeling friends as freakish nerds for watching it. Once it's over, I'll probably rent the whole thing on DVD and proclaim it genius. But until then, guess you'll have to start interacting with real humans, nerds!
Jun 1 2007Denise Richards Playing Stripper
Variety reports Denise Richards will star in A Beautiful Life, joining Jesse Garcia, Dana Delany, and Michael Madsen in the indie drama (despite the name, Roberto Benigni is not involved). More importantly, she will be playing an exotic dancer, meaning, like previously with Wild Things, the hopes of seeing her naked will entice thousands of junior high kids to fast forward through most of this movie.
With both Richards and Lindsay Lohan now playing strippers on screen, it's like the line between stripping and acting is becoming blurred. Good news for Talisman, my favorite local exotic dancer, who tells me she's really an actress at heart. You're getting there, darling!
Jun 1 2007Michel Gondry: First Image from 'Be Kind, Rewind'
I wouldn't usually post a single image from a movie that's not coming out for almost a year (April 2008, to be exact), but since this one's from Michel Gondry, who directed one of my all-time favorites, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I'll give it a pass. Plus, it's got a delightfully strange synopsis:
When Jerry becomes accidentally magnetized while trying to sabotage the power plant he believes is melting his brain, the magnetic field he gives off ends up erasing all of the tapes in the video store where his best friend Mike works. Now Mike may lose his job, and the only way the friends can think to save it is to keep the one regular customer they have - a little old lady with a tenuous grasp on reality - from recognizing what has happened. The way they do this? By recreating and refilming every movie that she decides to rent of course! From Driving Miss Daisy to Ghostbusters to Rush Hour, these two friends become the biggest stars in their neighbourhood by starring in the biggest movies in the world.
I'll admit, I always credited Eternal Sunshine's awesomeness more to Charlie Kaufman than Michel Gondry, but Jack Black needs a hit so I'm staying optimistic. And it co-stars Danny Glover, so there's no way it can fail. The man's like King Midas!
Oh, and if when the trailer comes out Mos Def's voice is in any way similar to the retarded cartoon croak he used in Sixteen Blocks, I'll be staying home.
Jun 1 2007'Pirates' to Go Where it Belongs
'at's roight, laidies, Mr. Bruckheimer 'ates blacks; I barely escaped 'is cutlass meself on account a me dreadlocks.
The TV rights to Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Jerry Bruckheimer Steals Ten Bucks and Takes a Dump on Your Chest have been bought by the USA network for $28 million. While the price was about $28 million and five dollars too high, it's nice to see that Pirates is going to end up where it belonged in the first place - sandwiched between reruns of American Gladiator and the latest made-for-TV movie about the life of Britney Spears.
May 31 2007Trailer: Farrelly Brothers Still Trying
A marvel of form and function, the hat both covered Sarah's softspot AND kept her from eating her hair.
Back in the day, the Farrelly Brothers were the brains behind Kingpin, Dumb and Dumber, and There's Something About Mary (hell, I even liked Outside Providence). But since '99, we've gotten Shallow Hal, Me, Myself & Irene, Osmosis Jones, Stuck on You, and Fever Pitch.
The trailer for their latest, The Heartbreak Kid, with Ben Stiller and Rob Corddry is now online. Another turd would bring them closer to irrelevance, but regardless of what happens, they'll probably be hearing drunk idiots slur quotes from their movies until the day they die.
On another note, anyone else think the blonde chick, Malin Akerman, looks a whole lot like Hannah Hilton? Or possibly a cross between her and Joey Lauren Adams? Look, Malin, if that is your real name, all I'm saying is that you're generic looking.
May 31 2007Another Fantastic Four Trailer
Judging from the latest trailer for Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, most of the movie is centered around the quartet trading around superpowers like a high school clique swaps STDs. It seems kind of gimmicky, but my expectations are so low from the first film that I'll let them take a stab at whatever they want at this point. Want to give Thing laser eyes? Sure, why not? Couldn't hurt after that shit sandwich you made me eat a few summers back.
And the "rise" of the Silver Surfer is looking more and more like just flying around, showing off how you can pass through matter. Believe me, Surfer, I've seen better rises.
May 31 2007Speed Racer's Mach 5
Finally it looks like an adaptation is willing to trust its source material, with this first shot of the Mach 5 from the Wachowski Brothers' Speed Racer movie looking quite similar to the anime original. I admire how faithful they're staying, but part of me wishes they'd gone with something more similar to a '94 Ford Taurus wagon. Maybe then people would stop the mockery once they saw I was just a paint job away from driving the Mach 5, instead of a '94 Ford Taurus wagon.
May 31 2007Teen Titans: Another Movie About Comic I've Never Heard Of
Black Guy, Asian Girl, and White Guy: Making the world safe for political correctness
If you write a script that's really good but no one will buy it, your best bet is to hire an artist and make it into a comic book. Comic books make Hollywood execs cream their shorts (if, of course, they wore shorts, which they don't because that would be unprofessional). Case in point, Teen Titans, which will be adapted by Warner Bros.
If your first response was, "What the f*** is Teen Titans?", well then you're only a pair of rippling biceps and a heart of gold away from being just like me.
The Teen Titans first appeared in 1964 as a sort of junior Justice League, comprising Robin, Kid Flash, Aqualad, Wonder Girl and Speedy, the respective sidekicks of A-list heroes Batman, Flash, Aquaman, Wonder Woman and Green Arrow.
Oh great, so it's the Tom & Jerry Kids of the comic world? God I hated that cartoon.
The comic series reached X-Men-style success in the 1980s, when the team was relaunched in a new comic with the characters no longer kids but college-age adults and the stories explored more mature themes. The series also saw the addition of Cyborg, Starfire and Raven, original characters who weren't sidekicks, while the character of Robin matured into one called Nightwing.
There you have it, nerds, I'd never heard about this before - prepare to flame! Knives out!
May 31 2007Myeah, See? Clooney and Soderbergh Make Football Movie
Shooting has just wrapped on Leathernecks, a 1920s football movie directed by George Clooney and written by Clooney and Steven Soderbergh. The plot, according to co-star Jonathan Pryce:
George plays for a ragtag, over-the-hill football team. They attract John Krasinski, star college football player to come and play. I’m [his] sleazy agent and manager,” Pryce divulged. “[There’s a] bit of a scandal involved. Renee Zellweger, ace reporter, is dispatched to expose [it].”
My only hope on this one is that everyone talks like they're in a 20s gangster movie, or the Hudsucker Proxy.
"Lookey heah, see? I though I toldja to button hook. Now hand me the pigskin, and make it snappy, see?"
May 30 2007The 'Almighty' Dollar
We may not agree on the whole evolution thing, but that doesn't mean we can't share a cold one.
Evan Almighty, the not-awaited sequel to Bruce Almighty, has taken a page out of Eric Cartman's book by positioning itself as a film with a religious theme in the hopes of making a buck.
Mindful of that market, Universal Pictures has teamed up with Grace Hill Media, a public relations firm that reaches out to religious groups, to publicize the mainstream film “Evan Almighty.” Scheduled for wide release on June 22, it stars Steve Carell as a politician who abandons Congress in order to build an ark, taking off on the story of Noah. Universal has held several screenings of “Evan Almighty” with religious leaders, hoping that they will recommend the film — with a PG rating and a protagonist who heeds a call to change the world — to their congregations.
This might be a tough sell; I bet a lot of folks will be angry that Evan Almighty ripped off the "guy can't stop growing beard" plotline from The Santa Clause.
Oh yeah, and in the movie, God is a black dude. They'll love that in Mississippi.
Epilogue: In case I ever have to defend my lifestyle to St. Peter (or a giant spaghetti monster) I'd like to point out that I got through this entire post without a single pedophilia reference.
May 30 2007Transformers to Premiere at Taormina
Michael Bay's ideas for the "skinny dipping scene" always seemed a little twisted.
According to the Hollywood Reporter, Transformers will have its world premiere at Sicily's Taormina Film Festival. It's nice to see that some film festivals haven't forgotten what film festivals are supposed to be all about: giving lesser-known filmmakers the exposure they don't get at the multiplex.
It's kind of like me. See, I'm used to spending all day dating supermodels and not wearing pants. But every once in a while I'll throw on some pedal pushers and snog a hairlip or two, just to bring deformed smiles to a few faces. I'm like what Mother Theresa would be like if she could choke out a tiger. Wait, what were we talking about again?
May 30 2007Dane Cook Joins Bachelor No. 2
Dane doing a hilarious hand gesture in front of a sign for the hilarious hand gesture.
Frat boy fixture Dane Cook is in talks to star in Bachelor No. 2, in which he'll play Tank, a man employed to take girls on such horrible dates that they'll end up running back to their ex-boyfriends. As much as I feel bad for anyone who ends up mistakenly seeing this movie, I feel worse for the video store employees sure to be faced with helping people try to find Bachelor No. 1 before they see the sequel.
May 29 2007Star Wars: The Clone Wars Sneak Peek
George Lucas has added some more water to his lemonade, further diluting the Star Wars universe with The Clone Wars, which you can see in this Lucasfilm sneak peek. "But wait," you ask, "Wasn't Episode II already about the Clone Wars?" No, dummy, that was just Attack of the Clones, not full-scale war. And this is an animated TV series.
"Oh, so it's the animated series Star Wars: Clone Wars by Genndy Tartakovsky, as seen on Cartoon Network," you foolishly say. No, though that was indeed animated and about the Clone Wars, this one is 3-D, moron.
"So it's an excuse to make another series, redesign the characters so they look like they're from a video game, then sell that video game with toys, t-shirts, and collectible Burger King watches?" Yes! Now you got it.
May 29 2007Knocked Up Parody Promo: Judd Apatow is a Funny Guy
"See those two ho's in the background? Yeah, I banged them too. Rock n Roll. Deal with it."
I'm sure this video will be all over the internet soon, so why not see it here, right? Right?? Anyone??
Anyway, it looks like Judd Apatow decided to do a parody* of the leaked clip of Lily Tomlin arguing with I Heart Huckabees director David O. Russell. This one imagines Michael Cera of Arrested Development and the upcoming Superbad as the original star of Knocked Up who gets fired for being difficult.
On the other hand, I got fired for from the orphanage for caring too much. Well, caring too much and that thing with the Mexican kid. Whatever.
*I would say "spoof", but apparently that's Aussie slang for semen; weird
Continue Reading "Knocked Up Parody Promo: Judd Apatow is a Funny Guy"
May 29 2007Vague Glimpses of the Joker
The purple jacket on the man in the background could indicate he's Joker. Or that he plays for the Lakers.
Giving a statement to USA Today, The Dark Knight director Christopher Nolan revealed he'll be shooting four action sequences, including the scene introducing Joker, in IMAX format. The scenes will be granted an enhanced crispness and clarity due to the large format, so to juxtapose this, we've been given some blurry shots of what may be the Joker's introductory scene. At least you can see his hair is green.
But does the carpet match the drapes?
May 29 2007"Fido" Trailer - Yay or Nay?
..brains at every single meal, why can't we have some guts!"
How could I not watch a trailer with a description like this?:
Welcome to Willard, a small town lost in the idyllic world of the 50’s, where the sun shines every day, everybody knows their neighbor, and rotting zombies deliver the mail. Years ago, the earth passed through a cloud of space dust, causing the dead to rise with a craving for human flesh. A war began, pitting the living against the dead. In the ensuing revolution, a corporation was born: ZomCon, who defeated the legions of undead, and domesticated the zombies, making them our industrial workers, our domestic servants - a productive part of society. ZomCon would like the people of Willard to believe they have everything under control... but do they?
Anyway, check out the trailer over at Yahoo. I can't tell if it's going to be awesome or a bad Shaun of the Dead ripoff. Either way, I'm pretty sure it's based on the true story of the rise of Kinko's.
May 29 2007I Know Who Killed Me Trailer
A summary of I Know Who Killed Me, as derived from the trailer: Aubrey (Lindsay Lohan) writes story about a stripper named Dakota. Aubrey is kidnapped, tortured, left for dead. Aubrey is found alive, but now says she's a stripper named Dakota (hey, kinda like her story!). Dakota uses Ask.com's sophisticated yet easy-to-use search engine to search for "mistaken identity." Ask.com provides thorough and relevant results, showing it is clearly a strong competitor for Google, and reveals Dakota and Aubrey may be identical twins. The kidnapper keeps trying to kill her, but luckily, as the title implies, she knows who killed her. Then there's surely some kind of twist ending where it turns out one girl is a ghost, or Aubrey is the kidnapper of Dakota, or some other equally unbelievable garbage. The sequel will be called I Still Know Who Killed Me (straight-to-video).
May 29 2007Keira Knightley Playing Princess of Wales?
Is Knightley Diana? Is she wasting away?
With the controversial book Diana and the Paparazzi at the center of a bidding war at Cannes, possible producers are already considering who would play the biography's subject, Princess Diana of Wales. Keira Knightley, who tabloids tell me may be "wasting away," is reportedly most wanted for the role. Producer Quentin Reynolds says word around Hollywood is "get Knightley [more food--she's wasting away]!" He later explained studios' desire for the book, adding, "For every pound The Queen makes, a film about Diana will make ten," possibly alluding to the pounds wasting away from the starlet.
Can you see Knightley in the role of Princess Di? Will you see her at all if she continues wasting away?
May 29 2007CNR Joins the Great Big Match Game in the Sky
Television's greatest game show participant, Charles Nelson Reilly, died Friday due to complications from pneumonia. Though he played many roles during his 76 years, he is probably best known for his many appearances on game shows in the '70s and '80s. Aside from possibly Speed Racer, no one has worn an ascot so proudly or often, and his antics are all that keep Match Game on GSN to this day. CNR was truly a legend in the industry.*
*The giant glasses industry.
