May 25 2007National Treasure 2 Trailer: Praying for Sweet Release of Death
Blacks will be hated, crappy movies made.
The National Treasure 2: Jerry Bruckheimer Continues Pooping trailer is now online.
The whole thing basically consists shots of world landmarks intercut with actors looking pensive.
I don't even know what to say. Shit like this really makes satire obsolete.
May 25 2007'SIMS' Movie Greenlit by Apparent Super Genius
Someday, God willing, I will have the world's strongest kegel muscles.
I put up a picture of supermodel Molly Sims, rather than a picture of that stupid video game some genius is making a movie out of because, let's face it, what would you rather look at?
But as I was saying, someone thought it'd be a great idea to bring SIMS to the bigscreen. It's yet another case of art imitating art imitating life. I wonder if this means we'll finally see the Civilization movie we've all been clamoring for. So how exactly do you make a movie out of a video game where you basically control groups of virtual people who go to work, take baths, put on ties, and poop?
The SIMS has done an interactive version of an old story, which is what it's like to have infinite power and how do you deal with it," said [SIMS Studio head Rod] Humble. "Given that that's an old story, you can imagine how easily that would translate to traditional story telling."
Of course we can imagine, Rod, what are we, idiots?
The project will be overseen by the guy who brought us Norbit, When a Stranger Calls, and Eragon, and written by Brian Lynch, whose projects include Big Helium Dog and Scary Movie 3.
Rod Humble. There's a porn joke in that somewhere.
Continue Reading "'SIMS' Movie Greenlit by Apparent Super Genius"
May 25 2007Frowny Face News: Nic Cage Out of Untouchables Sequel
Cage had promised to dress extra fancy on his wedding day.
Though I for one was excited to see what an irritable, neurotic Al Capone would be like, it appears now that Nic Cage won't be playing the gangster in Brian De Palma's upcoming Untouchables sequel. The official reason was "scheduling issues", so I guess Cage will get to spend more time with his kids, Optimus Prime and Doctor Octopus or whatever the hell their names are.
Seriously though, I was really looking forward to this. This is pretty much the saddest news since the baby sparrow I was nursing back to health died last week. R. I. P., Flappy. :-( :-( :-(
May 24 2007Groundhog Day for Kids: Adam Shankman is Super Original
"I wake up every day, and it's the same stupid remake pitch ideas!"
Variety is reporting that Disney has acquired the pitch, that's right, I said 'pitch', not 'script', for Monday Monday, which it describes as follows:
[The] "Groundhog Day"-like script by first-time feature writer Flint Wainess will follow a neurotic teen who has to relive his disastrous first day at a new high school until he gets it right.
Groundhog Day, IN HIGH SCHOOL. It's such a brilliant, out-there idea. I can see why the mere premise alone would be enough to spark a bidding frenzy. It's not every day a supernova of creativity like this rockets out your cornhole.
The project will be produced by Jennifer Gibgot and Adam Shankman, whose directing resume includes, but is not limited to: Hairspray (the upcoming remake), Cheaper by the Dozen 2, The Pacifier, Bringing Down the House, A Walk to Remember, and The Wedding Planner.
I'm tempted to say something snotty, but judging by his last name, his ancestors stabbed people in prison. Which is not to say I'm scared, it's just that we may be related.
May 24 2007Matt Damon: Not Bourne Again!
"Matt Damon!"
Full disclosure: Mostly I just put up this post so I could be in the running for the cheesiest headline award. That said, Matt Damon said definitively during a Cannes press conference that he wouldn't be playing Jason Bourne again.
Since this crap is a cash cow, expect the studio to milk it with or without him. If you need a doppleganger, might I suggest Utah Jazz forward Matt Harpring? I don't know if he can act, but he is, like, tall. I thought of adding a Matt Harpring tag to this post, but something tells me that won't be necessary.
Anyway, suck it, America.
May 24 2007New Fantastic Four 2 Spot
This new spot for Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is slightly relevant because it shows the galactic herald speaking as voiced by Laurence Fishburne, finally connecting the voice and figure. If only phone sex lines would be so gracious.
The whole voice and delivery seem a bit over-the-top and melodramatic to me. What isn't over-the-top is that a silver man is flying on a surfboard.
May 24 2007Borat Writes Travel Book
In U, S, and A, homosexuals are even allowed to wear the suit and win award trophies.
Borat has signed a deal to write a book of travel advice. Half the book will be a guide to America for Kazakhstanis unfamiliar with women riding on the inside of the bus and the other half will be a guide to Kazakhstan for Americans who have never experienced a gypsy attack or acquired a taste for fermented horse urine.
The book, to be released in hardcover, will have a dual title: "Borat: Touristic Guidings To Minor Nation of U.S. and A." and "Borat: Touristic Guidings To Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan."
I'll probably buy this book, but I have to admit, it was a bit disappointing to learn a comedian so hilariously anti-semitic is secretly Jewish. It'd be like like learning Jerry Bruckheimer was secretly black.
May 24 2007Sicko trailer
The trailer for Sicko has been released, providing a preview of controversial filmmaker Michael Moore's attack on the American health care system. The documentary points out that for being the richest country in the world, the US ranks shockingly low in health care coverage, coming in just above Slovenia. Of course, as usual, Moore skews the facts, failing to mention how we absolutely pummel Slovenia in total X-Boxes sold.
May 23 2007The Golden Compass Trailer
Even if you don't care about extravagant fantasy epics, you'd better just go ahead and watch the trailer for The Golden Compass, the first chapter of the His Dark Materials series. It's bound to be the next Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings thing that everyone's raving about, so you're going to look like an asshole if you can't banter about how cool the talking polar bear is.
High quality versions here.
May 23 2007Good Luck Chuck Posters
For those innocents reading this, hoping to fully understand these three new posters for Good Luck Chuck, let me explain a few commonly held notions about sexual imagery.
1. Practically anything remotely dowel shaped can be thought of as a penis. If said phallus drips a white fluid and is licked, the imagery is heightened, even if the object barely resembles the shape of a penis whatsoever.
2. If a guy is shirtless and smiling, and you can see a head peeking out from his crotch, that man is almost certainly receiving oral sex.
3. I guess if you put a hole in a grapefruit, you can have sex with it? This one kind of lost me.
These descriptions will make more sense if you look at the other posters, under the cut.
May 23 2007Crappy Trailer Week Continues with "The Brothers Solomon"
Two of SNL's most useless cast members, Will Forte and Kristen Wiig (She's this generation's Melanie Hussel!), had a three-way with Will Arnett and are giving birth to a turd baby called The Brothers Solomon. As if that weren't enough, it's also a Screen Gems production.
Any of the three are pretty much the kiss of death. Together, they're like the gangbang of death. Or the Voltron of shitty movies. Whatever, you pick the metaphor, I'll be drinking.
Want to make this movie better? Keep the title, cut someone in half.
May 23 2007Baron Cohen Shooting Bruno
"People from L.A. are so genuine, don't you think?"
The guy who gets to bone Isla Fisher was spotted in character (as Bruno) at the Foreign Trade Association luncheon at the Omni Hotel in downtown Los Angeles yesterday.
“Clearly, 99 percent of the people had no idea who he was,” the spy wrote to defamer. “Sacha had about 10 people with him. Three people running around with releases to sign, 4 camera people, a blonde haired producer watching the whole thing and a frazzled old dude with string salt and pepper hair checking the sound at the other end of the ballroom.”
Come on guys, there's no excuse not to know all of the Ali G characters by now - don't you people get HBO? To me the most shocking part of those South Carolinian douchebags suing over the first movie was that there were college students out there willing to admit they'd never heard of Borat.
Anyway, for the sake of good entertainment, thank God there are stupid people out there to make fun of. And babies to kick. Now that's a party!
May 23 2007Sex and the City Movie, Says... Mario Cantone
The blonde chick just fisted a guy on this bed.
According to a super duper reliable source (Mario Cantone, who proved his versatility as an actor by playing a gay Italian guy), a Sex and the City Movie, is like, maybe happening, he hopes.
They've called me about my availability, yeah, but nothing's negotiated with myself. I don't know if any of the girls are negotiated. All I know is it better get done because I want to do it.
There you have it. Mario Cantone wants it to happen, so it probably will, right? Your batshit crazy neighbor chick sure hopes so. Beware of girls with an unhealthy obsession with that show. And girls with Adam's apples. Don't ask me how I know. God I need a shower.
The one positive thing I got out of Sex and the City was getting to say I told you so about the redhead chick being a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
May 23 2007Silver Surfer Ruins Currency
Equivalent historical figures.
As a new publicity stunt for Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Fox has teamed up with the foremost maker of collectible crap, the Franklin Mint, to issue 40,000 specially designed Silver Surfer coins across America. And if you're lucky enough to receive one of the cheap-looking things, you can redeem it for a variety of fantastic prizes, such as Burger King Crown Cards!
The site seems to imply the quarters will actually be in circulation, which I had assumed must be illegal after they're defaced with corporate sponsorship, but it turns out just hadn't been thought of yet. Even if Fox did somehow get these legalized for spending, I can't imagine anyone anyone accepting them without knowing about the campaign. In my mind, a superhero printed on one side of a coin would be one of the top warning signs of a fake coin.
May 23 2007Underdog Trailer As Good As Expected
I'm sorry, did I say yesterday that Bratz and My Super Sweet 16 were the movies I was most looking forward to? Stupid me, I forgot all about Underdog! This shit is off the chain!*
*Why was this not the tagline?
May 22 2007No Country for Old Men clips
Lower long distance rates, you say? I am somewhat flabbergasted.
Five clips of No Country for Old Men, the Coen brothers scathing anti-Stallone diatribe drugs and murder drama are now online over at commeaucinema.
Watch out, though, the site's in French. And the French are not to be trusted.
Honestly though, I'm not sure why you'd want to see out of context movie clips before you see the actual movie. Why not just get half the punchline to four or five bits before you go see a comedy show? Or just go f*** yourself. Why can't you people just leave me alone! *whimper*
May 22 2007Tarantino Restores Vanessa Ferlito's Lapdance to Euro "Death Proof"
If you think this eyebrow thing is hot, you should see what I can do with a ping pong ball.
With all the inane yammering going on in Death Proof, I would think adding scenes to it would be an awful idea. But leave it to those "journalists" at "The Hollywood Reporter" to take a nine-iron to the nutsack of that theory.
In the earlier version, Butterfly agrees to give the winner, none other than Stuntman Mike, that lap dance. But this proves to be one of the print's "Missing Scenes," as some projectionist long ago snipped it for his own private collection. In the Cannes version, that scene is no longer missing. Let's just say that Ferlito's sexy dance routine proves worth the wait over these several months.
Jesus, was it the length? You were worried about the length and you cut that? For future reference, lapdances > boobless sassy black girlisms. Make a note of it.
May 22 2007Shrek 4: The Origin Story
Though I'm barely recovered from the pure joy that was this weekend's box office winner, Shrek the Third (I'm already calling it "Shrek the Best!"), Jeffrey Katzenberg has announced DreamWorks is starting on an origin story for the lovable ogre, since he'd always envisioned Shrek's story as a four-parter. Thank God it's not just because this one made $122 million in one weekend! I worried they'd try to milk something like that for more sequels just to make more money, so it's refreshing to hear that's definitely not what they're doing. He clearly always thought there would be four of them: three in succession, then one that seems like an afterthought, but definitely isn't. Another victory for integrity, quality family entertainment, and Shrek-loving audiences!*
*Everyone loves Shrek.
May 22 2007Rodriguez Directing Barbarella, Me Masturbating to Barbarella
Yeah, I'll masturbate to that.
In two strangely related stories, Variety reports that Robert Rodriguez will be directing Universal's remake of the sci-fi kitsch classic, Barbarella, while at the same time I've announced, largely through a prior record of doing so, that I'll be masturbating to the sci-fi kitsch classic, Barbarella. Rodriguez said:
I love this iconic character and all that she represents, and I'm truly excited by the challenge of inviting a new audience into her universe.
I said:
I'm going to be in my room for a couple hours, intermittently masturbating to Barbarella.
After playing with camp elements in this year's Planet Terror, it remains unclear if Rodriguez will try for a similar aesthetic using the B-movie feel of the original or if this will be a more dramatic take on the material, but one thing is certain: I'll be masturbating to Barbarella.
May 22 2007My Super Sweet 16: The Movie: The Trailer
Just when I thought Bratz: The Movie was sure to be my most anticipated movie of the year, in comes the trailer to My Super Sweet 16: The Movie to sweep me off my feet. Based on the MTV series of the same name (minus the movie part), MSS16:TM stars teen sensations Aly & AJ and features appearances by Hellogoodbye and Pretty Ricky!* It's like MTV ate my teenage girl dreams and this is their shit! Can you believe they're sending this straight to DVD?! But sadly, having seen the show, I did notice that the real-life Sweet 16 girls are much more ridiculous than anything conceived in this trailer.
*I have no idea who any of these people are.
May 22 2007Anthony Michael Hall Joins Dark Knight
AMH: Just happy to be working.
Though he can reveal nothing of the plot, or even what character he plays, Anthony Michael Hall is so excited about being in something bigger than a USA series that he blabbed to the LA Daily News about his casting in The Dark Knight. With the recent casting of Eric Roberts as well, it would seem director Christopher Nolan must have just discovered the straight-to-DVD section of Netflix. At this rate, Riddler, Penguin and the rest of the villains are going to end up being played by Gary Busey and some Baldwins.
May 22 2007Possible Watchmen Casting
A source for AICN reports that casting for Zack Snyder's adaptation of Watchmen may have started, with three actors being offered parts. Patrick Wilson, seen recently in Little Children, is supposedly up for the role of Night Owl, pretty boy Jude Law will take the part of pretty boy Ozymandias, and, most surprisingly, Keanu Reeves may fill in the shoes of Dr. Manhattan.
Someone should inform Zack Snyder that however much he thinks The Matrix is cool, its coolness is not a reflection of the acting talent of Keanu Reeves. There's a reason the standard impression of him is looking dazed and saying "whoa." And if Reeves is doing Watchmen, what becomes of The Lake House 2!?
May 21 2007New Rambo Clip Confirms Copout
"I installed my own pacemaker with this knife."
In the original Rambo, Sly returns to Vietnam in the 80s, wins the war and proves the connection between the Soviets and the Vietcong. Being that this is the 21st century, it follows naturally that the present-day Rambo should go to Iraq, win the war on terror, and prove the connection between Iraq and 9/11. With a bow and arrow. Because his mother was Indian, remember?
But in this clip it's clear that he goes to Burma instead. Weak. They already tried that in Beyond Rangoon, and Aung San Suu Kyi's still in jail.
Anyway, he does behead a guy and rip out another guy's larynx, which is kind of sweet.
May 21 2007Hitman Guy from Hitman
A fan and apparent female chauvinist has grabbed the first shots of Timothy Olyphant with his suit, baldness, and head barcode for the lead role in Hitman, an adaptation of the video game of the same name. I've never played the game, but from what I remember of the cover, this look seems accurate enough. And I think you can tell by the enthusiastic look on Olyphant's face that he can already tell this will be yet another amazing piece of cinema based on video games.
May 21 2007Tautou to Play Coco Chanel
Audrey Tautou, best known for personifying adorableness, will play legendary fashion designer Coco Chanel in a biopic to be directed by Anne Fontaine. Seeing the two side by side, it seems amazing I never noticed the uncanny resemblance before, perhaps while looking at my Audrey Tautou and Coco Chanel wall hangings. It's like they're clones, only one is evil and one is the cutest thing that doesn't contain kitten.
May 21 2007The Joker Finally Revealed
If you visit ibelieveinharveydenttoo.com, Warner has set up a site for the Joker's mock campaign for Harvey Dent. Waiting a few moments for the vandalized picture of Dent to fade pixel by pixel rewards you with the first shot of Heath Ledger as The Joker.
I like the grittiness, and it's neat how the scarring curves up. My question: Why so pouty, Joker? For a villain known primarily for a characteristic maniacal grin, he's giving a pretty sensual pout. It's like they got this from Joker's MySpace page. If you squint, you can even see how he probably based his look on a Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie he picked up at Hot Topic. Batman need only follow the sounds of Panic! At The Disco to find his arch-nemesis gently sobbing in his girl jeans.
May 21 2007Sarah Connor Chronicles Trailer
With all the hubbub from the recently announced Terminator sequels coming, I don't blame you for forgetting that a terrible television series based on the franchise is also headed your way. Here's the trailer to remind you that the original groundbreaking sci-fi series will be carried on through mediocre acting and the special effects budget of Xena: Warrior Princess. Set your Tivos!
