May 18 2007Nestor Carbonell Joins Dark Knight
Nestor Carbonell, who once played Batman parody Batmanuel on The Tick and a parody of someone foreign in Suddenly Susan, has joined the cast of Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight in the role of the mayor of Gotham. In honor of this news, here's some top secret spy footage from the set of the hightly-anticpated Batman Begins sequel. Don't tell the studios!
May 18 2007Lindsay Lohan as Tortured Stripper
The journalists at a little publication known as People nabbed the first look at the poster and stills from I Know Who Killed Me, in which Lindsay Lohan plays a stripper tortured by a serial killer. They're disappointing considering they show no stripping or torture, and she often looks far more like a stripper in her daily life.
May 18 2007Ocean's 13 Featurette: Maybe This One Won't Suck
Waiting room at the Sunglass Hut
There's an exclusive Ocean's 13 featurette over on Apple.com. It's smart enough to open with George Clooney basically admitting that the last movie sucked. Which is good, because otherwise I was going to have to break it to him at the next Hollywood playboy gangbang party, and shit like that always kills the mood.
Anyway, there's only one way to make this one better than the last two and I think we all know what I'm talking about: more Casey Affleck. The man is box office gold.
Other notes: George Clooney's chin looks like it's making the transition from matinee idol chiseled to freakish caricature. Also, anyone else think Ellen Barkin looks super hot in this? There really aren't that many times when I look at a 53-year-old woman and think, "You know what? I'd hit that." No offense, Inez.
May 18 2007MGM to Buy Rights to Rob Schneider's Directorial Debut
"Durpy Durp Durp, Da Durpy Durp Durp Durp Durp"
That's right, folks, besides playing hilarious ethnic stereotypes in Adam Sandler movies, Rob Schneider also directs.
"Big Stan," which shot last year, stars Schneider as a geeky conman who gets sentenced to a prison stretch. Terrified of being raped, he enlists the aid of a martial arts guru (David Carradine) to teach him kung fu. When he goes inside, his newfound skills result in his becoming an unlikely hero, as he outsmarts the warring prison gangs.
Oh, you silly criminals! So why is MGM spending money on this again?
MGM is understood to have made a substantial P&A commitment, and is planning to give the movie a wide December release. As well as appealing to Schneider's existing audience, the studio hopes to tap into the huge personal fanbase of Ultimate Fighting champ Randy Couture, who co-stars in the movie.
You know, as a rabid UFC fan myself, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I speak for all of us: we like to watch Randy Couture beat people up, not act in Rob Schneider movies.
May 18 2007New Stills from The Strangers
Liv Tyler stars in The Strangers, the story of a suburban couple under the assault of three masked strangers, and a new batch of images from the thriller have turned up online. Most of the shots find the actress crawling on the ground with a masked pursuant behind her. Is this a subtle metaphor for the subservience of women under the mask of misogyny? Let's hope not, because that radically lessens the chances we'll see exposed breasts.
May 18 2007Sam Jackson is Spirit's Octopus
Samuel L. Jackson is in talks to star as the villainous Octopus in Frank Miller's The Spirit, adding a dose of badass motherf***erdom to the Will Eisner comic. The supervillain, originally a meek lab assistant, kills anyone who sees his face. I don't know the comic well, but that type of killing commitment seems too hard to stick by. I imagine within a week it would be amended to something like "anyone who sees my face, as long as they're also wearing one of those annoying shirts with a funny saying about an '80s show on it. Because the Octopus hates those shirts."
May 17 2007Spiderman DILF
Grandma's basement will never be the same.
Yesterday Fox News ran a story on this whorish (and Marvel-licensed), pink-thonged little collectible of Mary Jane from Spiderman, and how it had the blogosphere "up in arms."
"The statue represents a big step backwards for those concerned about the state and future of comic books," said some fruity nerd when he was taking a break from blowing dudes.
Honestly, is the blogosphere ever "down in arms"? Righteous indignation is standard operating procedure.
Coming soon: the Japanese version of this doll with vibrating, self lubricating vagina hole that comes with a pair of pre-worn schoolgirl panties.
May 17 2007New Transformers Trailer
"You're not getting a Porsche, son. Just an enviable acting career and a lifetime of willing poontang. That's right, I said poontang. I'm old school."
Check out the new Transformers trailer from Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg. I guess Jerry Bruckheimer was too busy hating blacks to produce this. Maybe it will be good.
One note on the trailer: My dad refused to buy me a porsche on my 16th birthday too, and robot aliens didn't fall from the sky. In fact, all that happened was that he mysteriously died in his sleep. Don't look at me, I was doing pushups at the time. What, you think these guns grew themselves?
Bang said the gavel, case closed.
May 17 2007Harvey Dent Picture from Dark Knight
The cleft in my chin says Justice.
As bloggers, we're legally required to report on it when anything Batman-related so much as queefs in our general direction.
On that note, here's the newest pic of Aaron Eckhart as DA Harvey Dent.
And how's this for a conspiracy theory - Eckhart starred opposite Katie Holmes in Thank You for Smoking, in which the two shared a love scene that was inexplicably cut from the movie at a festival showing, some say at the behest of Tom Cruise - and now that Eckhart's in the Batman sequel, Holmes is replaced with Maggie Gyllenhaal? I know you're behind this, Cruise!
Phew, sorry about that, I think I just channelled Harvey Levine for a second there. And now I'm all greasy.
May 17 2007Bee Movie Trailer Destroys Cartoon Logic
I was reasonably excited about Jerry Seinfeld's computer-animated comeback Bee Movie, but this new movie has really turned me off, raising too many questions about both this movie and the very nature of anthropomorphic animal movies in general.
Like A Bug's Life or Antz before it, Bee Movie tells the story of an insect doing typical shit with other insects, making fun of the nature of insects, their social structures, etc. It's all very cute. Where they lose me is the part when Jerry Seinfeld bee talks to a human! Wha?!
Hold the phone there, buddy. I had been assuming for all of these movies that the idea was that these animals are doing these very human things but that man was incapable of seeing or understanding it, either because animals have a strict code of hiding their humanity or that it's just being translated for audiences. If it turns out they can just talk to people whenever they want, are are willing to do so, that's somehow more ridiculous. How am I meant to believe it hasn't happened prior to this movie, in all of history? Am I completely off base here?
I really hope Bee Movie clears this all up in the actual film, because my over-analysis of the trailer has left me baffled. Maybe Stuart Little already covered all of this anyway.
May 17 2007Ong Bak 2 Bought by Zee Germans, or Something
To do list: 1. Throw baby elephant through window 2. Flex.
Ahh, you know what really hits the spot on a hungover Thursday morning? (Yes, I am that awesome - the doctors say it's booze induced) I'll tell you what, another excuse to post the elephant-throwing clip from The Protector.
Thailand's Sahamongkolfilm Intl. has struck a low seven figures deal with Germany's Splendid Films for muay thai martial arts actioner "Ong bak 2."The Weinstein Company still holds North America rights. Pic is a non-sequential sequel to "Ong bak," which was breakout movie for action star Tony Jaa. Jaa both stars on and is helming "Ong bak 2."
To me, that all sounded like "Blah blah blah Ong Bak 2 blah blah blah." Thai action movies could teach their American counterparts a thing or two. Namely, if you're gonna make a dumb action movie, make it really dumb, and really action-packed. Otherwise you get mediocre, watered-down, wannabe-epic garbage like Troy or anything Jerry Bruckheimer has ever done (I also heard he hates blacks).
I like Tony Jaa because he could kick a giraffe in the face and because let's face it, young Thai boys are hot. See him do cool stuff, after the jump.
Continue Reading "Ong Bak 2 Bought by Zee Germans, or Something"
May 17 2007Elijah Wood To Play Iggy Pop
Elijah Wood is now confirmed to be taking on the role of punk rocker Iggy Pop in an upcoming biopic, reports Variety. Pop fans will surely be nearly as excited to hear about this little twerp playing their idol as they were when they heard "Lust for Life" in that commercial for Club Med.
I'm sorry, Elijah, but you just don't have enough of that gangling, muscular, strung-out look needed to frighten me the way Iggy does. But on the plus side, this is probably the only time not looking like Iggy Pop will ever be considered a negative.
May 16 2007No County For Old Men Pictures
Ropes of Silicon has the first images from the new Coen Brothers film No Country For Old Men. The shots show that while there may be no country for old men, there is Josh Brolin holding a gun, Tommy Lee Jones looking skeptical, and Javier Bardem dressed as Johnny Cash meets He-Man. I'm excited.
May 16 2007First Official Shots from Rambo IV
My only reaction to these new shots from John Rambo was, "Yup. That's Rambo all right." Same guy, same mullet thing, a little older, but nothing really new. I don't know what I was hoping for, I'm just saying a glowing cybernetic eye goes a long way.
See more non-cyborg Rambo under the cut.
May 16 2007See This Clip of Cavemen Before it Goes Way of Dodo
The road to obscurity is sometimes long and filled with cowboy outfits.
Here's a clip of ABC's upcoming pilot, Cavemen. "I really like the Cavemen, I thought it was a great idea for a show," said a moron while high on drugs.
Yup, it's based on that Geico commercial. And no, they didn't get the original actor who was really the only good part of those commercials.
ABC says: "Meet Joel, his younger brother Jamie, and his best friend Nick, three cavemen living in modern-day Atlanta. These cavemen continually find themselves at odds with contemporary society as they struggle to overcome their physical appearance and the accompanying stereotypes."
I say: The cavemen should do battle with their arch nemesis, the Noid, who wears a red suit and serves sub-par pizza.
Once I saw a gay porno where the Maytag repairman cornholed the Pillsbury Doughboy while the Budweiser frogs wacked off.
That's right, ladies, I watch homosexual pornography. I'm just that comfortable with my sexuality.
May 16 2007Thomas Jane Drops Out of Punisher 2, Touch With Reality
I just love my new triceps. Thanks, meth!
Thomas Jane is pulling out of Punisher 2. In a barely coherent strongly worded letter to AICN, he writes,
"I’m writing to tell you that I regretfully and painfully had to pull out of P2. I can’t tell you how completely broken up I am about it. After busting my ass at the gym four days a week for almost two years, watching every character driven action pic that any fan would ask me to watch while I was standing in line buying egg whites and Tuna fish (Leon the Professional, Oldboy, The Seven-Ups (GREAT flick), Point Blank, Escape from NY, The Driver, Magnum Force, The Mechanic, The Great Silence, Sexy Beast, Nighthawks, Cry Vengeance (check it out), Road Warrior, Man on Fire, Outlaw Josey Wales, Rocky (think about it), Serpico, etc etc etc.) after countless Saturday nights making notes and drinking soda water and munching on seaweed sticks while my daughter slept on my lap to the sound of automatic gunfire, (now she can’t sleep without it. I had to make a tape of automatic gunfire to play in her room at night) after hauling myself to any ‘Guns! Knifes! Ammo!’ show in any small town that I found myself in shooting Killshot or The Mist or Mutant Chronicles, after torn ligaments, screwed up rotator cuffs, thousands of $$$ on ridiculously huge vitamins, overly long conversations with frighteningly tall men about The Fastest Way To Kill Someone With Your Bare Hands, and after a dude refused to sell me a Fatburger at 2am on Santa Monica Blvd, I am, sadly – no, make that heartbrokenly – f*** it - just rip out the heart and stomp it into the pavement a couple of times – pulling out. Punisher fans are already fighting an uphill battle as it is. And I’ve always felt a responsibility to fight that fight for them and with them so that Frank Castle gets the treatment he deserves."
To me, the two most shocking things about this story are: A. They were making a Punisher sequel? Why why why? and B. Wow, Thomas Jane must do a lot of cocaine.
Seriously, buddy, after a ramble like that I think it's clear you need to switch to Adderall.
On the bright side, perhaps they can get Dolph Lundgren back! I heard he's not doing anything. From his grandma. With whom he now lives.
May 15 2007Vaughn and Wilson Say No to 'Outsourced', Fat Chicks
"I think I speak for both of us when I say, 'Go f*** yourself, Hank Azaria.'"
Hank Azaria (of Simpson's fame) is reporting that Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson have dropped out of Outsourced, a project developed specifically for them that Azaria is directing.
"The Simpsons" voice actor has put his acting career on hold to shoot "Outsourced," a comedy that marks Azaria’s directorial debut. "It’s about these two guys who work at a factory in Southern California," Azaria said. "Their jobs get outsourced to Mexico, and they decide 'Well, we like Mexico. Let’s go down there and work down there'. And they become like the Norma Raes of Mexico."
Asked for comment, Vaughn and Wilson allegedly responded, "Wait, so you do the voice of an Indian guy on a cartoon, and based on that you decide to direct a movie called Outsourced, but it's set in Mexico? Weird."
Okay, so no Vaughn and Owen Wilson. How 'bout Ben Stiller and Luke Wilson? Will Farrell and William H. Macy? Vin Diesel and Ice Cube? I'm sure he'll figure it out.
In the meantime, Daddy'll be drinkin'.
May 15 2007"Yippee Kai-Yay, MF" Cut Entirely?
Straight guys are named Bruce too, you know.
The news that Live Free or Die Hard will be rated PG-13 isn't exactly new, but now Monsters and Critics is reporting that "Yippee Kai-Yay, Motherf***er" has been cut entirely. From the post, it's a little unclear whether this information has been confirmed, or whether this is just an inference based on the rating.
If it's true, it's bogus. Real men like me only cut motherf***ers in prison.
May 15 2007The GamePlan Poster: I Smell Originality
The poster for The Rock's new movie, Daddy Day Care Are We There Yet The GamePlan is out. From what I can gather from the poster, Rock's character makes love to a striking bulldog who then gives birth to a briefcase-toting ballerina, and a black guy on his team is totally not sold on the idea. Also, his team plays on a white carpet covered in dirt clods.
Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? Smells like hilarity, stewed to perfection!
UPDATE: See the trailer here. Durp! Tough guys are powerless when it comes to girl stuff! Durp Durp Durp!
May 15 2007Eli Roth to Make Trailer Movie
"Yeah, she's a professor.. OF BEING A DOG! FACE!"
Based on the success of the fake trailers in Grindhouse, Eli Roth is planning a movie that consists entirely of trailers. And the trailer for that movie is going to BLOW YOUR MIND.
May 15 2007Tim Allen to Get Pummeled...in New Film (sigh)
My agent promised me this movie will be better than the Chuck Liddell episode of Entourage
David Mamet's upcoming mixed martial arts drama has just unleashed the coke snitch curse, dooming itself to failure by casting Tim Allen.
That's right, folks. The former coke dealer and hacky comedian and current star of everything that is soulless and evil joins the cast of Redbelt, playing a "troubled action star with marital problems who meets the master when he is getting pummeled in a street fight."
Okay, well I like the getting pummeled part. Couldn't that just be the movie? Could it be a documentary?
Eh, to be completely fair, he was pretty good in Galaxy Quest.
Redbelt will also star Emily Mortimer, Alice Braga, Joe Mantegna, Rodrigo Santoro, Ricky Jay, David Paymer, Rebecca Pidgeon and Jose Pablo Cantillo, along with martial artists and fighters Randy Couture, John Machado, Danny Inosanto, Enson Inoue and Ray Mancini.
May 15 2007Resident Evil: Extinction Poster
Look out, currently residing evil, 'cause Milla Jovovich has got these two awesome guns, and she's all like "bla-blat! bla-blat! bla-blat!" and zombies are all gonna be like "whaaaaaaa?" Seriously.
May 15 2007Point Break 2: Search for Asian Swayze and Reeves
"Hey Bodhi, check it out: I'm doing an impression of your career."
That's right, I said Point Break 2. No doubt inspired by Hot Fuzz's Point Break tribute, Peter Iliff (Patriot Games) will write and direct the sequel, which will be set in Southeast Asia and financed by...Asians. And it will star...Asians.
RGM's CEO Devesh Chetty said casting will include English-language and Asian male leads and Asian female love interest.
"It is really important that this film stands on its own two feet and we will be looking for a young male action star at the same stage in his career as Keanu (Reeves) was," Chetty said.
Asian Keanu Reeves, Asian Keanu Reeves...Might I suggest...Tony Jaa? Too talented?
Honestly, I just said that so I'd have an excuse to post the elephant throwing clip from The Protector. Epic.
Continue Reading "Point Break 2: Search for Asian Swayze and Reeves"
May 15 2007Wayans Brothers Making More Crap
Rogue Pictures has made a deal for a film starring Marlon Wayans in the title role of Super Bad James Dynomite, an adaptation of a comedic comic book made by the Wayans brood about a blaxploitation anti-hero in the vein of Shaft or Dolemite. The only explanation for this move is that no one from Rogue Pictures has ever seen White Chicks, Little Man, Scary Movie Scary Movie 2, the sitcom The Wayans Bros., or anything else a featuring two or more Wayans, because there is an inherent paradox in having both watched White Chicks and sponsoring the work of the makers of White Chicks. The brain would never let the body act in such a way.
May 15 2007Spielberg and Jackson Team Up for Tintin
Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson have announced they will develop a trilogy of computer animated 3D Tintin films. Based on Georges Remi's (under the pen name of Herge) popular Belgian comic strip, each director will helm at least one of the pictures, though it's still unclear who will do the third.
Jackson explained that the characters will retain Remi's original designs, but alter the cartoon look to a photorealistic level, making them look "like real people — but real Herge people!" Or, in other words, they're going to look really f***ing creepy. Looking like Tintin works in an illustrated world, but can you imagine it as reality? Imagine those beady little eyes, glassy and real, staring out of his perfectly ovular head, straight into your soul. Absolutely terrifying.
May 14 2007Draining Broken Lizard: "Super Troopers 2"
Office-eeeerrr, you act like an animal you're out of control...
In a recent interview, Broken Lizard's Paul Soter admitted that the troupe* was planning a sequel to Super Troopers.
”The more we thought about it we said we should do it,” says Soter. “They are great characters and we still have a lot of material left over.”
Let's hope to God they get Brian Cox back. Brian Cox eats scrap metal and shits razor blades.
Even though their last two movies kinda blew, and let's be honest here, even Super Troopers sort of shot its wad in the opening scene, you still have to respect the fact that these guys pretty much decided, "Hey, now that we're famous we can just write a bunch of stuff where we get to drink beer and touch breasts." Good on ya, boys.
*I hate this word. It's like saying that if you're a comedian, you have to be some sort of Kids in the Hall Nancy boy type. That's why when I do improv, I do it with a comedy horde, or a comedy platoon. That's right, ladies, don't let the nylons fool you, I'm all man.
May 14 2007Most Shocking News Ever: Lars von Trier Depressed
They call me "Cherry Danish"
A Danish newspaper is reporting that Lars von Trier, one of the founding members of the Dogme movement, suffers from a deep depression that is threatening his career.
This isn't exactly a shocker; if you watch any of his movies it's pretty obvious they were made by a depressed guy. Kinda like when you watch a Jerry Bruckheimer film, it's pretty obvious he hates blacks.
PS - If you want to see a good von Trier film, go with The Idiots. It's about a group of depressed people that pretend to be retarded to feel better. Kind of like Jerry Bruckheimer.
