May 12 2007The Rock to Play Captain Marvel?
She loves you, Yeah Yeah Yeah.
Don't you just love headlines with question marks at the end? "Paris Hilton Has Syphilis?" "Britney Spears Adopts Lemur?" You get all excited and flip to the middle of the magazine, is it true, is it true? - only to find: guess what? We don't f***ing know either! I went to journalism school!
Anyway, today in questionable headlines, The Rock to Play Captain Marvel? That's the rumor. Someone heard about it and printed it, and then someone else put it on the Internet, and then I rewrote it in smartassican and put it on the Internet again.
It's a wonderful time to be alive.
According to one source, Mr. Rock (who recently got done working with Peter Segal on "Get Smart") has discussed the idea of playing Captain Marvel: "Listen, John August is writing the script and he's a tremendous writer, and I'll just wait for the script to come in. But I'd love to work with Pete again, and certainly would want to work with John August. So there's a strong possibility."The DC comic is about a kid who morphs into a mega-powerful super-hero after uttering a magic word.
May 12 2007Bat Blueballs: Teaser Page for The Dark Knight
The teaser page for The Dark Night is now up. Get excited.
I loved Batman Begins, but Chris Nolan seems to have gone to the Ridley Scott shakey cam school of directing when it comes to action sequences. What does his storyboard look like?
A bird. A plane. A fist. A foot. Uh, a blurry, uh, a blurry shot of a guy’s lapel? A shaky, uh, a shaky dark thing?
The story and characters were great, but I for one hope the new movie has action sequences where you can actually tell what the f***'s going on.
May 12 2007Al Capwn: Nic Cage is Gangsta, Yo
See that guy on the computer in his underwear? I'm tired of him making fun of my movies.
For anyone who was wondering when we'd finally see the petulant, neurotic side of Al Capone, you're in luck. Capone will be played by none other than Nic Cage in Brian De Palma's upcoming Untouchables prequel, Capone Rising.
Cage will play a younger version of Al Capone, the character made famous by Robert De Niro. [the film] will revolve around the early dealings between Capone and Irish cop Jimmy Malone, a role that garnered an Oscar for Sean Connery.Connery got the Oscar win for his brave portrayal of an Irish cop with a Scottish brogue. You have to respect an actor who refuses to learn his character's vernacular (Richard Gere in First Knight, anyone?).
You know what? I'll say it: I've never been that impressed with anything Brian De Palma's done, and I'm sort of confused as to why people talk about him like he's Hitchcock. The first movie of his that comes to mind when I try to think of stuff he's done that I've liked is The Fury, and that didn't really get good until peoples' heads started exploding.
So there you have it, De Palma. Please make Nic Cage's head explode.
De Palma remix from YouTube, after the jump.
May 11 2007More Bret Easton Ellis: "The Informers"
"Can you identify the man you say you saw stealing watermelons, Mrs. Stanton?"
Say what you will about 10 page ruminations on Whitney Houston, Bret Easton Ellis writes a pretty kickass book. And with an Informers movie adaptation now in the works to go along with American Psycho, Rules of Attraction, and Less Than Zero, he may be entering Steven King territory where even his email forwards of pee-drinking monkey videos get made into movies.
Here's what the "journalists" say about it:
Based on the author's 1995 collection of interrelated vignettes, the film is the first to be adapted by Ellis himself (with help from documentarian Nicholas Jarecki, who was originally set to direct and is also a producer). As can be expected of Ellis' work, the film will follow a number of amoral characters, including a pop star, a Hollywood player and a vampire. The criss-crossing stories are set in Los Angeles in 1983, though it is possible the adaptation -- like Rules -- could be modernized.
UPDATE: According to iwatchstuff.com reader Pat Bateman (it might not be his real name): Over the summer during his book tour for "Lunar Park", Ellis confirmed the screen adaptation would take place in the 80s.
May 11 2007Early Poster Art From Sicko
Nothing sells me on a film like the threat of Michael Moore's chubby fingers maneuvering their way into my sphincter, so I absolutely adore the new poster for Sicko, Moore's sure-to-be scathing documentary about America's wretched health care system, coming June 29th. The one-sheet is still obviously without the text, but it will supposedly carry the message "This might hurt a little." The clever double-meaning points out both that exposing the truth of health care will hurt and that it's going to really f***ing hurt when Moore gets his hand up your ass, because he doesn't pull out until he's found either food or GM CEO Roger Smith.
May 11 2007Bratz Trailer "4 Real"
The Bratz describe their friendship longevity in three letters: BFF.
I've been vocal about my enthusiasm about seeing the Bratz doll line brought to screens, but I really think they missed the mark on this one. Though I'm not actually familiar with Bratz canon, I had assumed what made them so appealing was that they were these big time brats, mainly because their sexy big heads, lips and eyes allowed them the luxury. In this trailer, however, the four eponymous BFFs seem to act only marginally bratty, and actually reform their bratitude to take down the school's primary brat. As if!
The film's saving grace may be that the dialog is so littered with BFFs, OMGs and the like that it will become utterly dated within two years. Like this generation's Clueless, Bratz will be the 2007 time capsule of how our stupidest high school girls chatter.
See it here, 4 real.
May 10 2007Blonde Ambition Trailer
Take 1988's Working Girl, remove every iota of talent, and you've got Blonde Ambition. It's genuinely one of the worst trailers I've seen, even keeping in mind that the intended audience is idiots. If I can say one thing good, it's that this is a really ideal vehicle for Jessica Simpson to show what a big dumb bimbo she is.
May 10 2007Hi-Res Transformers Characters
If Andy Dick were a robot.
Yeah, so you think you've seen all the Transformers guys by now, but have you seen them in high resolution?! I didn't think so.
I don't really know very much about the Transformers, but at a glance I have to guess this guy above is probably one of the worst, and is probably frequently subjected to whatever the robot equivalent of a wedgie is.
May 10 2007The Golden Door Trailer
Surely capitalizing on the popularity of QVC's Gold Week--a promise of the year's most fantastic deals in gold products--Charlotte Gainsbourg (The Science of Sleep) stars in The Golden Door. If Titanic didn't fulfill your lifetime requirement for upper class girl falls for lower class guy on an ocean liner across the Atlantic stories, this one will fulfill all those needs where Boat Trip let you down.
May 10 2007Three More Terminators Probably Coming
Variety reports that Halcyon has bought the rights to the Terminator franchise, allowing the privately funded company to continue burying the series without even the interference of pesky series star Arnold Schwarzenegger. T3 writers John Brancato and Michael Ferris have already written part four, presenting a John Connor in his 30s leading man's revolt against the machines, and say the chapter leads into a full second trilogy... unless I send an intelligent robot--a learning computer, if you will--into the past to stop this deal before it happens!
But let's not count on that. I'm not even sure it's entirely possible. More likely, we'll see three more terrible Terminator movies.
May 10 2007Feldman-less Lost Boys Sequel to be Directed by Guy Name P.J.
As if straight to DVD wasn't bad enough, now comes the news that Lost Boys 2, er, Lost Boys: The Tribe will no longer include Corey Feldman, and will be directed by P.J. Pesce, the guy who did Sniper 3 and Dusk Till Dawn 3.
I can imagine how the interview went. "Dude, look at my resume. I have shitty sequel experience."
He will be directing a script by Hans Rodionoff, who has both shitty sequel experience (The Skulls II) and vampire experience (Sucker: The Vampire).
They're old salts. This should be good.
May 10 2007ALL SEQUELS, ALL THE TIME!
"Quick, somebody beat it!"
If you're a big Hollywood exec, why take a chance on a new project? It's a safer bet to go with something that's already established and then milk that cow till it shits blood.
Here is just some of the sequel news that's floating around:
L.A. Confidential 2
Terminators 4-6
Step Up 2 [Ed. Note: Yeah, I hadn't heard of it either]
Pirates of the Caribbean 4
Fantastic Four 3
Superman 2 (or is it 6?)
Hostel 2
Shrek 4
Sin City 2
Indiana Jones 5
Harry Potter 6
Rambo 4
Lost Boys 2
And I'm sure I missed a few. I didn't even bother with spinoffs and remakes.
May 10 2007Bruce Willis Pwns Michael Bay, is My Hero
Why won't this hack die?
Apparently, Bruce Willis has been speaking out over on AICN about the new Die Hard Movie. I'll spare you the details of him defending the PG-13 rating, because the really interesting part is what he had to say when someone asked him about the possibility of Michael Bay doing a Die Hard film:
Wrote Willis: [Bay] “Would have ruined DH4. Few people will work with him now, and I know I will never work with him again.”
And he wasn't done telling it like it is. He also had this to say about producer Joel Silver (V for Vendetta, Gothika, Veronica Mars, House of Wax)
“F*** Joel Silver,” Willis responded. “That is because you do not understand my relationship with Joel S. We are cordial now when we bump into each other, but we have not worked together since Last Boy Scout.”“If my remarks here should ever appear in print, I will stand by them, but in the heat of the moment, when I was being told that only Joel S. could make a good Die Hard, I had to speak up. I should probably remain more diplomatic, but as this is a Site that primarily deals with Film, I spoke my mind. Joel S. know how I feel about him. And Perfect Stranger was ruined by the producers. Oddly enough, that film was meant to be a hard R rating, but when all the things that were meant to be in it were cut, EXCEPT for the F***’s, they got a PG-13 rating. Weird right? I was disappointed with that film, and I agree with you opinion of it. Everyone tried hard, worked hard, but it was not to be.”
There you have it, folks. Bruce Willis spends all his time ranting on message boards too. And to be honest, after seeing this clip of him wasted at a basketball game, I thought my opinion of him couldn't get any higher.
Except for that hanging out with your ex-wife and her new husband thing. That shit's weird.
May 10 2007Two Live-Action Star Wars Headed to TV
George Lucas announced to Fox News that he has decided to continue making the Star Wars universe shittier, injecting more of his out-of-touch ideas of humor and romance into two hour-long made-for-TV Star Wars movies. The director added that the stories won't involve the Skywalker family, and he has not yet determined what network they will air on.
At this point, having completely given up on the chance of a respectable Star War, I'm hoping they do this on the Lifetime Channel. Dean Cain stars as The Perfect Jedi, a young Jedi powerful with the Force and great with the son of single mom Shmoora (Tracey Gold). But it seems her suitor has a dark side, and as his Sith powers (and alcoholism) take control, Shmoora must go to extreme lengths to save her son... and the galaxy.
Oh, and ol' Lucas also said Spider-Man 3 was "a silly movie." I don't think the irony of this needs to be explained.
May 9 2007Tim Roth to Play Hulk Villain
The Incredible Hulk will be matched against the oversized adversary Abomination, and Tim Roth will play the villain's alter ego, Emil Blonsky.Despite the fact that the first Hulk sucked with Ang Lee and this one's going to be directed by the guy who did The Transporter, this story gives me reason to be optimistic.
1. Like Edward Norton, Tim Roth usually seems to me a pretty competent actor.
2. "Blonsky is a KGB agent who deliberately exposes himself to the gamma rays that caused Bruce Banner to morph into the Hulk. Blonsky has upped the dosage, making him larger and stronger than the Hulk, but unable to change back to human form." Meaning, if Tim Roth is going to act in the movie (and not just do a voice), and he's going to be a bigger and stronger version of the hulk the whole time, we now have reason to believe (or at least hope) that the Hulk's nemesis isn't going to just be some big piece of CGI, and by extension perhaps neither will the Hulk.
Is that too much of a stretch? Probably.
And by the way, I spend half my day deliberately exposing myself and all I ever seem to get are restraining orders. Where the heck do I find these gamma rays?
May 9 2007Nancy Grace Slithers off Into Sunset, CNN
Sorry about the picture. To our knowledge, she's never been photographed with her mouth closed.
Despite the ample wood I sported this morning and the satisfying bowel movement I just had, today is sad day. It's a sad day because Nancy Grace has decided to end her show on Court TV after 10 years. I've always said Nancy was a true CILCS*.
From now on, to get your daily fix of bile-spewing piles of rancid excrement you'll have to tune to The View, The O'Reilly Factor, Dr. Phil, C-Span, or reruns of Futurama (that's right, Frye, I'm calling you out, you orange-haired c*cksucker).
Or (sigh), Grace herself, still on CNN (double sigh).
Grace said she is leaving Court TV to focus on her legal analysis program, "Nancy Grace," on CNN Headline News and on her charitable endeavors.One only hopes one of her charitable endeavors will include jumping in a volcano.
Clips of Nancy Grace variously getting ripped on and obnoxiously bloviating, after the jump.
*C_nt I'd Like to Curb Stomp
Continue Reading "Nancy Grace Slithers off Into Sunset, CNN"
May 9 2007Jessica Biel is Hot, Chinese
"I would never be in a movie with Dane Cook like that Jessica Alba trollop."
Chun-Li from Street Fighter, that sixteen-bit sexpot spank material for adolescent boys before the advent of online porn, is supposedly going to be played by Jessica Biel in a new, disappointingly Van Damme-less movie version of the video game.
Jessica Biel doesn't look very much like a Chinese girl to me, but she does look like the girl I had sex with last night!
I taught her the old ping pong ball trick so the character would be more authentic. (Here's where I'd make that sound with my finger and cheek that they do at the beginning of "Lollypop")
May 9 2007Once Trailer
So. How bout we grab one too many pints and I smack you around a bit?
Normally I hate musicals. They're just too realistic. Honestly, how many times have you been hanging with your boys, on your way to go beat up a gang of Puerto Ricans when someone starts singing and soon everyone breaks into a choreographed dance number? More times than you can count, if you're anything like me (and trust me, I can count, like, super high). But come on, Hollywood, I go to the movies to escape.
Still, Once has been getting some rave reviews, even from Peter Travers, one of the few critics with whom I consistently agree. The trailer doesn't exactly light my nuts on fire though, so I guess we'll see.
Here's the official rundown:
A modern day musical set on the streets of Dublin. Featuring Glen Hansard and his Irish band 'The Frames,' the film tells the story of a street musician and a Czech immigrant during an eventful week as they write, rehearse and record songs that reveal their unique love story.
Watch the trailer (QuickTime)
May 9 2007Bourne Ultimatum Trailer
"Matt Da-mon!"
Kung fu! Motorcycles! Bad puns! The guy from Good Will Hunting! That's right, retards, it's Bourne Ultimatum trailer time. If you ever wondered what it would be like if they made James Bond without the charm, or xXx without black people, here's your answer.
May 9 2007Rosie Hopes to Continue Ruining Mornings
Bob Barker says: "Keep your dirty hands off my Plinko."
Rosie O'Donnell, currently finishing up her final season of morning blabbering with The View, is reportedly looking to spread her evil into the game show venue, and her hungry eyes are set on the granddaddy of them all, The Price is Right. Luckily longtime host Bob Barker, along with civilized society, has expressed incredible hatred at the possibility. She may still have a chance, though, as producers are rumored to not love any of the current contenders for the position, including George Hamilton and Mario Lopez, indicating to me that they're starting their search at either The Surreal Life house or a homeless shelter.
What kind of world is it where Slater is the preferred host of The Price is Right? Not one where I want to be bidding.
May 9 2007Rodriguez Deciding Between Future and Past
Sleestaks from the horrific drug-induced nightmare of Sid and Marty Krofft's Land of the Lost.
Despite poor numbers from Grindhouse, The Hollywood Reporter claims Robert Rodriguez is still in high demand, with the director currently deciding between two future projects (in addition to Sin City 2): a live-action remake of The Jetsons or a Will Ferrell remake of Sid and Marty Krofft's Land of the Lost. Strangely, no one is mentioning releasing both titles as a sequel to Grindhouse entitled Irrelevant-anachronistic-retro-television-House. Rodriguez could turn Jetsons into an action-packed, gory thrill ride (in 3-D), while collaborator Quentin Tarantino could alternate the exciting dino-action of Land of the Lost with long, tedious conversations where the Sleestaks debate why Silver Surfer is ultimately cooler than a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
But Jesus, please don't really.
May 8 2007New Hairspray Posters Make Me Want to Cut Myself
Please, someone stop the beat. With a gun.
Does anyone else find these new Hairspray posters thoroughly horrifying? They're like rabid wolverines painted magenta that chase you around the room, staring at you with their dead eyes. And then the ice weasels come.
The movie's an adaptation of the Broadway musical which itself was an adaptation of the 1988 John Waters movie.
Remember how in Multiplicity Michael Keaton cloned himself, but the fourth clone was a clone of another clone and came out retarded? Yeah, you'd have to be a botched retarded clone to wanna go see this.
"She touched my pepe, Steve."
You can check out Cinematical for all the posters, my version of Photoshop makes me tuck my penis between my legs and drink Boones after a certain level of neon.
May 8 2007Iron Man in high resolution
Entertainment Weekly showed the first shot of Iron Man's final suit last week, but now Paramount has officially released a high resolution version. Click the above shot for the full Iron Man suit in all its glory. It's the exact same shot as last week, just way less blurry. And there may or may not be a pirate in the background. (Hint: There's not)
An additional shot of Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark after the jump.
May 8 2007Mexican Directors Steal American Jobs by Being Cheaper, Better
"Yes, I bought this bracelet from a street vendor. What's it to you, f***face?"
Three of my favorite movies of the last few years are Pan's Labrynth, Y tu mama tambien, and Amores perros. Now their directors are unionizing teaming up.
Guillermo del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth), Alfonso Cuaron (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Children of Men) and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (Babel) have joined together as a team. The Mexican director trio, who conceived the idea independently, are attempting to sell themselves in an "all-or-nothing, five-picture deal," according to the LA Times.The three directors created arguably three of the top 10 movies of 2006, and they know it. They are hoping that an American studio to bankroll the five films for $100 million.
I wonder what Benicio Del Toro would think about this. Chances are, he'd just squint his eyes, take a long drag on his cigarette and say, "Very good, my friend. Very good," while blowing the smoke out his nose.
May 7 2007Go Watch Wall Street 2 You Broke P****
"Grab the bull by the balls, kid."
Get those gun fingaz ready, I-bankers! Just as that Boiler Room DVD started collecting dust comes the news that Fox has signed deals with the original producer and writer of Wall Street for a sequel.
Stephen Schiff's script, Money Never Sleeps, will follow Gordon Gekko's release from jail and entry into the exciting world of hedge funds. The project is being set-up as a potential starring vehicle for Michael Douglas. Oliver Stone is not expected to return as director.Phew, for a minute there, I was worried the next generation of white-collar criminals would grow up without a morally bankrupt anti-hero to worship. Gordon Gekko is like Scarface for yuppies.
On a serious note, what the hell kind of WASP name is "Gekko"?
May 7 2007Spider-Man to Fight Carnage, Lizard, Apathy
Nerd Boner News Hour:
As superhero movies go, Spider-Man 3 may not be X-Men 2, but it's not exactly Daredevil, either. Still, the idea that I'm reporting on the villains spidey will fight in the next movie before anyone knows whether the director or any of the stars will be back makes me want to take a clearasil shower.
Dylan Baker, who apparently is the one-armed college professor who has appeared briefly in all of the Spider-Man movies, will become the lizard-like villain known cryptically as "Lizard" after injecting himself with reptilian DNA in an attempt to re-grow his missing arm, while Carnage is a serial killer named Cletus Kasady who comes into contact with some of Eddie Brock's "symbiote" goo in prison just before my mom caught me masturbating to Counselor Troi and made me go to the doctor to get dandruff medication.
