May 5 2007Andy Samberg and "The Dudes" Teaser Trailer
The Wicked Sensitive Crew
The Lonely Island crew, SNL star Andy Samberg and writers Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Taccone, have a movie coming out and you can watch the teaser trailer over at Yahoo.
"The Dudes" are leaders of all that is good and still relevant at SNL, every week doing battle with Kenan Thompson and his forces of evil and 12-minute fat-black-guy-in-drag sketches armed only with their oft-YouTubed SNL Digital shorts such as "Sloths" and "Roy Rules".
This is Akiva Schaffer's feature film debut, but he and his buddies have been making great short movies for years. If you've never seen them, check them out at the Lonely Island. I personally recommend "Just Two Guys."
The only thing that worries me about the trailer is that it doesn't have any music videos, which is really where the dudes excel.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shank my mom with pterodactyl dick bone.
May 4 2007Hairspray: John Travolta is Ugly, Woman
The thetans will never find me in here!
The trailer for the remake of Hairspray is out. It looks like it got remade because the (1988, John Waters) original was too tongue-in-cheek. And if Terminator 2 has taught us anything, it's that when stuff becomes self aware it's, like, dangerous or something.
Oh, and newsflash, guys, John Travolta does not need makeup to look fat. Come to think of it, he doesn't need prosthetic tits either. And hell, he doesn't need to dress like a woman to kiss a man. The only thing he needs is Scientology. Scientology and Doritos.
May 4 2007Michael Bay Ruins Cinema - New Pics!
The LA Times has two new pics from Transformers that are pretty underwhelming, but it also contains the news that the studio is already developing a script for the sequel.
I don't know about these guys. See, when I'm taking a dump, I know I've gotta be right there in the moment, focusing all my energy on the dump at hand, or rather, the dump at butt. What if I can't get part of the dump out? What if too much of the dump comes out too fast and I get splashback? What if I squeeze part of the dump out, get startled, and the rest of the dump goes back in my butt? These are important considerations, and I need all my wits about me to deal with them. I can't be thinking about tomorrow's dump, or the next day's dump, or a dump I'm gonna take two dumps from next Thursday. I just have to go out there and take it one dump at a time.
A sequel before the first movie's done? Jeez, you'd think these studio execs have never taken a dump before.
May 4 2007Beetlejuice 2 Coming to DVD Shelves
The long-rumored follow-up to 1988's Beetlejuice looks like it may finally be on the way, but it appears to be taking the unfortunate course of bypassing theaters and moving straight to your local Blockbuster. Since it's direct-to-video, the sequel won't likely have Tim Burton, Michael Keaton, or any of the star talent of its predecessor, but if you've ever wanted to see a Beetlejuice with Eric Roberts, Clint Howard, Randy Quaid, Keith or Robert Carradine, Stephen or Billy Baldwin, or basically any actor's uglier brother, this might be the chance.
May 4 2007Malkovich Malkovich? Malkovich.
"Don't mind the wedding ring, fellas; it's play time. Ever bedded a man who can crush walnuts with his rectum?"
The Coen brothers are trying to get John Malkovich to join George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Frances McDormand in their current project, Burn After Reading. The mere thought gives me a giant boner. But then, so do Golden Girls reruns. Maybe I'm weird? Anyway ladies, easily aroused. Call me.
The dark screwball comedy centers on Ozzie Cox (Malkovich), a former CIA agent who loses the disc of the memoir he is writing. McDormand will play Cox's philandering wife. Clooney is set to play an assassin.
May 4 2007The Simpsons Movie Posters
Six (6!) posters for the upcoming The Simpsons Movie have found there way ON THE INTERNET! Just a warning, ladies: you'll need more than a crinkle-cut French fry to cover my wiener. If you're going to cover me with a side order, you'll need, as I've been told by a number of very pleased women, "something between a steak fry and a mozzarella stick." So why not place an order?
May 4 2007Iron Man Spy Video Footage
A spy (in the loosest sense of the term) for IESB shot some footage from the set of Iron Man, giving anxious viewers the first glimpse of how the superhero will go from prone to upright, apparently shooting a scene where Iron Man has been knocked to the ground. Play it for a friend, and when it's time say, "I'm Iron Man fallin'... and I can't get up!" Alluding to a fifteen-year-old commercial, you'll finally be known as your circle's "funny friend."
The footage is here, but as a warning, it took me a few minutes of reloading to get it to work.
May 4 2007Liv Tyler Loves The Hulk
Liv Tyler has signed on to star opposite Edward Norton in Marvel Studios' new version of The Hulk as Betty Ross, the longtime love interest to Dr. Bruce Banner. When Banner later transforms into his green gamma-radiated counterpart, Ross is the one most often forced to deal with the horrific phenomenon known as "Hulk rape," which has been described as "like giving birth to twins at the same time, but over and over and over again, and through the fly of tattered, purple pants."
May 4 2007License to Wed Trailer
Robin Williams puts a young couple through a series of relationship tests, surely none as grueling as this trailer, in License to Wed. Also starring Mandy Moore as the young bride-to-be and The Office's John Krasinski as Dane Cook, License to Wed utterly reinvents the genre of really stupid bullshit, with Williams showing that, even after RV, he's still trying just as hard to make you despise him.
May 3 2007Wedding Daze Trailer: Isla Fisher Still Hot
"I've got to make love to the iwatchstuff.com guy soon or my vagina will explode!"
The new Wedding Daze trailer's got Jason Biggs in underwear, toilet clogging jokes, and a title that wouldn't even be fresh in 1937, but Sasha Baron Cohen fiancee Isla Fisher* is still freakin' adorable.
Check out the trailer here. Borat, you bastard.
*Pronounced EYE-la, apparently. Who knew?
May 3 2007Live Free or Die Hard: Yippie Kai Yay! Uh..Dude.
"Okay, kid. Things are liable to get pretty intense in there. People are gonna die, heads will get blown off, I'll shout a lot; but whatever you do, don't swear. Swearing makes the baby Jesus cry."
In a victory for, like, Mormons everywhere, it looks like Live Free or Die Hard is going to be cut for a PG-13 rating.
I tried to watch the first Die Hard on basic cable once, but changed the channel when Bruce Willis shouted "Yippie Kai Yay, Mr. Falcon!" Seriously. I'll never understand why it's okay to bleep Jerry Springer but movie cursing has to be dubbed over with retarded gibberish.
"Forget you!" "No, forget you!" "Forget me? Forget your mother! In fact, both of you can go forget yourselves!" "Forget you and the horse you rode in on, pal."
May 3 2007Rush Hour 3 Trailer - Finally, Reason to Live!
Brett Ratner now the most important part of any film.
Just when you thought slitting those wrists was a good idea, the Rush Hour 3 trailer comes along to brighten your day! They're in France this time! You just know there's going to be singing in cars and racial stereotyping!
And in case the "3" next to the title doesn't tell you it's gonna be really, really good, they've also got BRETT RATNER'S NAME BEFORE THE TITLE. That's right, folks, he has arrived. He might as well just change his name to Brett Radner.
You know, a guy makes one or two shitty movies and you think, oh well, you'll get 'em next time, tiger, and you give the guy a hetero ass pat. At this point though, I think Brett Ratner's actively trying to ruin my day; actively plotting against me. You know, like the Jews.
May 3 2007Heroes Covers Give You New Obsessions
I don't watch the show, but I can tell you this guy on the right is a douche bag.
Obsessed fans of NBC's hit Heroes have a new way to obsess, as Entertainment Weekly just released their set of five Heroes covers for you to run out and buy. Each variant contains clues to the final episodes of the season, allowing you to deductively spoil one of the few pleasures in your miserable life. Each week, EW will continue to update the images with annotations to explain how the clues fit in, filling you with a false sense of personal pride in your new understanding of said clues.
What have we come to when we're studying magazine covers for hours just to scrape up some evidence that will give a hint of what's coming in a television show? I'll tell you as soon as I'm done watching last night's Lost in reverse, then frame-by-frame, just in case there's a hidden message somewhere. I love it when the writing is so clever that you have to be an obsessed freak to know what's going on.
See the other four here.
May 3 2007Robot Chicken Star Wars Clips
Somehow Seth Green and the folks at Adult Swim's Robot Chicken got the fat, hairy tube wrapped in flannel known as George Lucas to participate in a half-hour spoof of that Star War of his. The stop-motion series will feature the voices of both the creator and Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill. The special airs June 17, but until then you can see the skit above and a trailer here. Shortly after this, expect a new line of Star Wars Robot Chicken Action Figures you'll have to buy, because you're f***ing obsessed.
May 3 2007Hermione's Breasts Grow in 3-D Transfer
Perverts at PosterWire have determined, after careful, repeated examination, that Hermione's figure has been made more curvaceous for the IMAX version of the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix poster. To make it seem less creepy to have noticed, the site also mentions the change in actress Emma Watson's flowing hair, but them big ol' titties are really the highlight of the new poster, with controversy now surrounding the decision to add more sex appeal to a 17-year-old girl.
Personally, I see nothing wrong with the change. No harm in seeing a couple coming attractions before the feature (the feature being legal sex age). And honestly, would people be complaining if Emma Watson was kidnapped, and they were using this to show possible breast age progression to help find her and her new, giant boobs? I think not.
If the issue is making an underage girl over-sexualized, I've got news for you: they've made her less appealing to pedophiles. Believe me, there's nothing a pedophile wants more in a young lady than a boyish, breast-free physique. Except maybe access to the Internet and parents who are comfortable dropping you off in a motel parking lot. Hairlessness, too.
May 3 2007Gibson Claims Maverick 2 Coming, Desired
(In their hands, a deck of cards was the only thing more dangerous than a gun.)
Following a much-publicized anti-Semitic tirade made last July, Mel Gibson has again been caught making offensive statements, this time saying that there's talk of doing a sequel to Maverick. Gibson's outlandish claims continued as he stated, "I think audiences would probably like to see [Maverick] again too," despite the fact no one has ever requested to see either the character Maverick or the film Maverick more than once. Moreover, bathroom and snack breaks during the current film are often accompanied by such phrases as "don't bother pausing it" and "just yell if it gets good or has more Lethal Weapon references," indicative of the growing apathy for the 1994 western-comedy.
Gibson added to his crazed outburst with such statements as, "We really cooked the first time," and, "We've got some great ideas--I think audiences will enjoy what we've got in mind." He has yet to issue an apology for the remarks, but audiences are already supportive in trying to rehabilitate the man from such insane and hurtful beliefs.
May 2 2007Bret Easton Ellis to Adapt The Frog King
Using an axe gives me wood
Bret Easton Ellis, esteemed author of American Psycho, Rules of Attraction, and Less Than Zero, is writing a movie adaptation of The Frog King, which will star Joseph Gordon-Levitt from 3rd Rock From the Sun, and more recently, The Lookout.
Never heard of The Frog King? Uh, me neither.
How say you, internet?
The Frog King follows Harry, a man of privilege who is farting around in publishing, hating the politics and pretension that surround his work. This inspires him to come in late, spike his coffee and be a general ass -- a mindset that seeps into his relationship with Evie, an editorial assistant. He wants her, but he also wants to cheat on her.
Well I hope to God he cheats on her with a couple of hookers. Hookers that he later kills. Get writin', Bret, Daddy needs his medicine.
I also hope to God Joseph Gordon-Levitt takes the hyphen out of his name. I don't care if your mom was a hippie, pick a goddamned name. Same with those assholes from the Mars Volta. Rodriguez-Lopez? Seriously, you really needed both of those in there? Look, if you've got one ethnicity, go with one name. Having McCarthy-O'Sheas or Battaglia-Puccinis running around is just polluting the Earth with unnecessary syllables.
May 2 2007Rowan Atkinson Takes on Dickens
Mr. Bean, as usual, doing something asinine.
Director Peter Howitt and his producing partner Richard Johns are set to make a new version of the Charles Dickens classic David Copperfield that Johns claims will break the mold of mannered, reverential Dickens adaptations. "With Dickens," Johns said, "filmmakers have been trapped in this place where you have caricatured characters, but Peter wants to deal with them like real people."
Naturally, their mind went to Mr. Bean. Rowan Atkinson will play Mr. Micawber, Copperfield's landlord. As described, Atkinson will play the part not as a caricature but as a real person, assuming this "real person" is a bumbling retard making constant wide-eyed stares and strange noises.
May 2 2007First Look at Final Iron Man Suit
Iron Man bursts onto the set of a Cheech and Chong movie.
Entertainment Weekly's years of Buffy reflection issues and useless Star Wars articles (a favorite of mine being "Why Boba Fett Rules") have finally paid off, with the fluff magazine being treated to an exclusive first image of the new robo-suit featured in Iron Man. The familiar form and colors come as a relief to many nervous fans who feared the suit may be updated beyond recognition, hopefully allowing the fans to concentrate on their own wardrobe for once. That loose-fitting Dragonball Z button-down shirt is not considered dress clothes just because it has a collar, fellas.
May 1 2007Pirates of the Caribbean Featurette
Maybe if your mom cut down on the Chow Yun, she wouldn't be so fat. [Ed. Note - Sorry, it'll never happen again]
/Film has a new Pirates of the Caribbean featurette, which I think is like a feature that squats to pee.
You can watch it if you want, but I'm not. Nor will I watch Jerry B. castrate something cool for almost three hours when the movie comes out. See, anyone else makes a 3-hour movie about pirates and you're thinking, "Sweet, that's like a whole extra hour of rum, wenches, swordfighting, limbs getting blown off by cannons, and rape."
But with Jerry, you know it's just gonna be another hour of CGI ghosts, talking animals, and hell, maybe even Nic Cage.
Plus, I think this entire movie was miscast. See the actors I would've chosen, after the jump.
May 1 2007'Choke' on Sam Rockwell, Bitch
I too have eaten cat poop for a dollar
For those of us that have waited far too long for something like Fight Club, some good news:
In an email message, [writer of Fight Club and Choke] Palahniuk reportedly said that production on Choke would start on May 18. Clark Gregg has been nabbed as the director.
It obviously goes on to say that Sam Rockwell will be playing the lead, otherwise me posting that picture of him would be totally weird.
For you ignorant sluts out there (and I'm looking at you, grandma) Choke is a book by Fight Club writer Chuck Palahniuk about a guy who pretends to choke at restaurants. It'd be nice if David Fincher came back to direct this one too, but if my penis has taught me anything, it's that you can't always get what you want.
May 1 2007Superbad R-Rated Trailer
A new trailer for the hilarious-looking Superbad has been released, updating the previously released preview with raunchier, R-rated content. Like your stillborn twin sibling, this one looks a lot like the other one only with more dicks and pussies in various places. Still, it's worth seeing (the trailer, not your lump-of-flesh sibling).
May 1 2007MTV Movie Awards, Blah Blah Blah
The MTV Movie Award nomination list is out today, and everyone is covering it like it's an actual news story. You can go read all about it at whogivesashit.com.
God knows I really want to hear what the people who brought us Panic at the Disco (I know it's supposed to have an exclamation point; blow me) and Real World/Road Rules Challenge think about movies.
The silver lining in this cloud of pus and excrement is that Sarah Silverman will be hosting. Have you heard? She's Jewish and a comedienne and kinda sorta almost hot. Seriously though, she's funny. Celebrate with some clips, after the jump.
May 1 2007Fantastic Four Trailer
Silver like your grandmama's bush.
Apple's got the new full-length Fantastic Four trailer. Finally, someone made a comic book movie. I don't know what Hollywood has against comic books, I really don't.
Med-Res QuickTime
Low Res QuickTime
The movie was directed by Tim Story, who directed the first one as well as Taxi, so I'm sure this will be, like, really good and stuff.
[/sarcasm]
May 1 2007Nine Minutes of Ratatouille Online
Disney gambles on the popularity of a cartoon rodent.
Those interested in Pixar's latest effort should head to Disney's site, where nine minutes of the film have been posted. It appears Disney and Pixar have really taken a gamble with this one, daringly presenting the computer-generated story of an anthropomorphized rodent and an unlikely friendship, all with a dose of non-offensive humor and adventure. Additionally, the filmmakers have taken the risk of adding several goofy, somewhat-unbelievable characters to the mix. Strangely, the untested elements combine beautifully, creating a picture that would actually play quite well to two seemingly disparate groups: parents and children.
"Take ten" and watch the nine minutes of footage here. Use the final minute for reflection.
May 1 2007Nightwatching Trailer
To the delight of pretentious film snobs everywhere, Peter Greenaway has strung together another series of intricately composed shots of sex and decadence set to a minimalist score, this time covering the life of Rembrandt. Doughy-faced Martin Freeman certainly matches the plump look of the painter, and Greenaway's style has often been compared to Renaissance painting, but I can't help but think that maybe Rembrant would have wanted it differently.
Yes, by simply looking at such a work as Christ in the Storm on the Lake of Galilee, it's obvious Rembrant would have cast himself as a Lethal Weapon-era Mel Gibson. And besides being a painter, he'd also be leader of an F-14 squadron, whose brash, never-by-the-book piloting would surely get him killed if he weren't just so damn good.
"Chiroscur-you later, asshole," quips the Dutch master, ripping a hole through the side of an enemy plane. "Daaaaaamn," shouts Martin Lawrence, his co-pilot.
Apr 30 2007Aronofsky Writing Noah Movie That Probably Won't be Super Pretentious
I put this chick's vagina in a movie once, I told her it would be arty. And by "arty" I meant "awesome."
In an interview with The Guardian, Darren Aronofsky (Pi, Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain) said his next project will be a story about Noah, that dude from the bible.
"Noah was the first person to plant vineyards and drink wine and get drunk," he says admiringly. "It's there in the Bible - it was one of the first things he did when he reached land. There was some real survivor's guilt going on there. He's a dark, complicated character."So basically, expect Noah to drink wine until one of his arms falls off and he ends up going butt to butt with some animals or something. And we'll all learn a valuable lesson about the dangers of alcohol.
And btw? They're already making this movie, Darren, it's called Evan Almighty.
Continue Reading "Aronofsky Writing Noah Movie That Probably Won't be Super Pretentious"
Apr 30 2007BloodRayne Teaser Trailer Very Boring
I had expected the trailer to BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, Uwe Boll's piece of shit sequel to his original piece of shit, to be nearly unwatchable, but I hadn't counted on it being so thoroughly boring. I began watching with the intent to really tear into the many stupid things that were sure to come, only to find myself unable to even concentrate on what I was watching.
After innumerable extremely long close-ups--mostly of the eyes, teeth, and hands of two characters in a standoff--I found myself returning to my email to make sure nothing had come in, this despite that I had only checked it probably 30 seconds before. A upbeat change in the soundtrack alerted me to switch back to the video, but I still found myself unable to conjure up any emotion for the lackluster gunfighting and swordplay. I went in with little knowledge of the prior movie or video games, but came out with an even fainter understanding. They're cowboys who are vampires, I guess?
Normally Boll can at least make these things bad enough to mock, but I really feel like this crap-cake is the first sign that he's not even trying for his own ungodly-low standards anymore.
See it here.
Apr 30 2007The Captivity Teaser Trailer
The trailer for Captivity claims it's "the film they don't want you to see." What's not mentioned is that "they" refers to anyone with good taste. From the look of the trailer, a petting zoo presents a more interesting take on captivity, though I concede that the opportunity to pet star Elisha Cuthbert would at least make Captivity a contender against the pen of docile goats.
Apr 30 2007The Salon Poster
The creator of the popular film Barbershop, Mark Brown, recently found out there's another term for a barbershop. Here's the poster.
Apr 30 2007Quentin Tarantino Making More Genre Stuff
What I believe to be a poster for Come Drink With Me. But who can tell with their crazy symbol language?
Writer/director Quentin Tarantino, having already unofficially ripped-off countless directors and styles throughout his career, has announced he will officially remake the Honk Kong martial arts film Come Drink With Me. The news comes as no surprise, as it's widely acknowledged Tarantino basically jacks off this kind of campy action/revenge stuff, then tries to incorporate it into a wordy film with some washed-up actors.
Speaking to the Telegraph, Tarantino added that he's still going to make his World War II film, Inglorious Bastards, for which he'll be ripping off The Dirty Dozen, then move on to imitate some kind of spaghetti western but set in the slavery-ridden south, allowing the director to possibly throw in some cool blaxploitation shit, too (maybe Pam Grier as a sexy, badass slave escaping her rapist captors, like The Big Bird Cage with more social commentary).
With these three projects on the table, and Tarantino often taking years between movies, it may be as long as a decade before we hear another announcement for a new film, but I'm willing to speculate whatever it is will be something imitating some other stuff from the '60s or '70s, possibly involving kung fu or badass babes, and star.... Patrick Swayze? Maybe Billy Dee Williams? Something like that. And, despite myself, I'll still think it's kind of awesome.
