Apr 27 2007Tom Hanks Gets $50 Million for Turd
I will buy and sell you, motherf*cker.
Tom Hanks is rumored to be making $50 million for the The Da Vinci Code sequel, which is funny, because that's about how much you'd have to pay me to see it.
Just kidding, I'd eat cat poop for a dollar.
According to one source, the former "Bosom Buddies" star is due to get about $35 million up front, and possibly another $15 million based on the film's eventual profit.Source
Apr 27 2007Pan's Labyrinth Chick Does Stuff
Come for the pre-pubescent little girls, stay for the fairy-eating monsters
Ivana Baquero, who played the young lead in Pan's Labyrinth, has signed on to do The New Daughter, an English language horror flick.
I know this news probably doesn't exactly light your balls on fire, but it does give me an excuse to post one of my favorite scenes in any movie.
Pan's Labyrinth will always hold a special place in my heart for making me giggle like a schoolgirl during a scene in which someone gets shot in the face. Uncomfortable stares make me feel so alive.
Apr 27 2007Meet the Magneto Movie
If you call me "Fagneto" one more time I'm going to cut you.
Marvel and Fox are planning a Magneto movie with David Goyer on to direct.
Let's hope the new plan is to spin-off characters, rather than making more X-Men movies. Because after the last one, I can only imagine they'd be focusing on the lesser-known mutants, like guy with power to change into a steak knife but not change back man, girl with really callousy hands, and of course Billy six thumbs.
But luckily:
In a storyline hinted at by the original "X-Men" films, Magneto comes to grips with his mutant ability to manipulate metal objects as he and his parents try to survive in Auschwitz. Magneto meets Professor Xavier (played as the wheelchair-bound mutant leader by Patrick Stewart) when the latter is a soldier liberating the concentration camp.
Dude, Nazis and mutants in the same movie? Count me in.
Apr 27 2007First Official Shot of Tony Stark
USA Today has scored the first official look at Robert Downey Jr. as billionaire hero Tony Stark in Iron Man. Seen here forging his original Iron Man suit, it's clear RDJ has been working out for the role, and looks as if he'd belong in the Men of Metallurgy calendar as much as in a comic book film. But I want it to be clear that when I say that I'm not discounting any of the current Men of Metallurgy; quite the opposite, RDJ could never replace any of you. You all perfectly embody both your months and the spirit of metallurgy. Maybe if one of you died or something Downey could come in, but then and only then, and I don't even want to think about that.
Apr 26 2007Spiderman Doesn't Need You, Sam Raimi or Anyone Else
SKEET SKEET SKEET all over your face, bitch.
Sam Raimi isn't sounding like he wants to do anymore Spidermen, but the studio plans to keep milking this cash cow until the cream you're putting in your coffee isn't cream anymore, but some sort of pus-like goo, or foul smelling dust, or... until it's whatever comes out a dead heifer's teat, really. Guess we'll have to wait till your mom dies for the answer to that one, eh? ZING!
Wait, what's that? Your mom's already dead? Cancer, you say? Ooh, my bad. I'm, uh, I'm sure she was a very special lady.
If Raimi, Maguire and Dunst decided against it, "then I'll be making `Spider-Man' movies," Pascal said, with other actors and filmmakers. "We will continue to make them at the studio."
Since 2002's blockbuster "Spider-Man," Raimi said he had known precisely what he wanted to do with each succeeding chapter. With "Spider-Man 3" wrapping up key conflicts from the first two films, Raimi said he has no story in mind to continue the saga of young Peter Parker and his superhero alter ego.
Apr 26 2007Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Poster
The one-sheet for the new Harry Potter film (above) documents an event rarely seen at all, yet alone in the poster of a children's movie: the Pedophile Temptation Gauntlet. Step 10 of the 11-step road to recovery, the Pedophile Temptation Gauntlet (PTG) must be successfully traversed without signs of visible arousal (yes, "half-wood" counts) before the pedophile can move on to the final step: not kidnapping and raping children.
Apr 26 2007Adam Carolla Gets "Hammer"-ed (sigh)
You'd be smilin' too if you'd just punched this bitch in the face. Boy did she like to talk.
The Hammer, the semi-autobiographical Adam Carolla picture premiers tonight at the Tribeca Film Festival. It doesn't yet appear to have a trailer, but if this movie includes one story about Adam Carolla's life, please let it be the time he got a friend to stick a hose up his ass and hold the water in long enough to squirt it at the Taco Bell Drive-Thru attendant while leaning over Carolla in the driver's seat.
By the way, this is obviously a glossy, Hollywood version of his life because they plucked the crap out of his unibrow. I call bullshit.
Apr 26 2007Queen Latifah to Help Ruin All of Me Remake
Oh snap, I done fell again! Girl, I told you I can't walk in these shoes.
In pointless remake news,
New Line has signed Queen Latifah to topline a remake of "All of Me," the 1984 comedy that starred Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin."Hey, I really like this All of Me movie, but it's not nearly shitty enough. I think we should remake it."
"Great idea, I think Queen Latifah's available."
Some of Queen's comedic work, after the jump.
Continue Reading "Queen Latifah to Help Ruin All of Me Remake"
Apr 26 2007Blanchett is Dylan, Subterranean, Homesick
Though some smaller shots were previously leaked by Rolling Stone, this black and white shot of Cate Blanchett in Todd Haynes' Bob Dylan biopic really sells her in the part, even "avec ovaries."
Richard Gere, Heath Ledger, Christian Bale, and others will also share the role of Dylan throughout his life. If the film doesn't end in either a group song or with all of the actors in an all-out battle-to-the-death, I think there will be some disappointed faces in the theaters.
Apr 26 2007Rosie Leaves The View, But Never Leftovers
After just one season on the nation's favorite "ladies talkin'" show, The View, Rosie O'Donnell announced (in the above clip, prior to her picking things off Barbara's lip) that she could not settle on a contract and will be leaving. But before you hang yourself, listen to this: she'll be back occasionally, she says, to talk about things like autism, and we all know Rosie and autism are a match made in heaven.
To continue hearing her annoying, often insane ramblings, fans will be forced to decode the cryptic messages of her stupid blog. Or, for an experience more true to The View, try buying a bird or bat and training it to screech at you for an hour each morning.
Apr 26 2007Fantastic Four Face Wilderness Threat
If one from a series of leaked production shots is any indication, the Fantastic Four's newest foe may come in the form of a large bear. Despite the supergroup's awesome abilities, which in this latest chapter pit them against a massive, omnipotent devourer of worlds and his intergalactic metallic herald, viewers may finally get the chance to see how The Thing's incredible strength and rock-hard body will pulverize one of nature's most dangerous creatures, really putting the species back in its place.
Other leaked shots include Dr. Doom's updated look and many of the team in action and casual situations. But seriously, think about him tearing up that f***ing bear.
UPDATE: Apparently not leaked, just released. The excitement has left the relationship.
Apr 25 2007Fantastic Four 2 International Posters
Marvel has chosen a daring new campaign direction with their international Fantastic Four 2 posters by showing awkward portraits of the characters. My main concern with these is that it might urge some people to think, "Hey, weren't these the same guys in that really awful Fantastic Four movie a few years ago?" To which someone will surely reply, "Yes! They were!"
And it's not helping that they've airbrushed Jessica Alba into a mutant/wide-eyed Claire Forlani.
Nine (9!) more at Marvel's site.
Apr 25 2007Brits: Hold the Grindhouse, Guvna
Via /Film:
Due to the mediocre American box office take, The Weinstein Co have decided to put the film's U.K. release temporarily on hold.
Rumor has it that the new plan is to release both films individually. Unnecessary, says I. Grindhouse would work fine as a double feature if you just cut the fat. Car stunts are great, but they're less great when you have to listen to two chicks who can't act talk about them for a half hour first.
"Should we do the ship's mast?" "You wanna do the ship's mast?" "Yeah, I wanna do the ship's mast." "You ain't doin' the ship's mast, you crazy ass bitch!" "Shut up, bitch, I'm doin the ship's mast." "You really gone do the ship's mast, ain't you?" "Bitch, I told you I'm doing the ship's mast." "Well, if you gone do the ship's mast, at least... wait, no way are you doin' the ship's mast." "I wanna do the ship's mast, bitch!" "You ain't doin' the ship's mast, you crazy ass bitch!"
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!
Apr 25 2007Dark Knight Acquires Eric Roberts from Dark Night
After faking his death in a plane crash, Buddy Holly went on to star in a number of straight-to-video softcore porn movies.
Eric Roberts, veteran of a million movies I haven't seen and current star of a couple TV shows I've never watched (but he did do a pretty funny interview with Howard Stern the other day), is rumored to be playing a mafia kingpin in The Dark Knight, Chris Nolan's upcoming Batman project.
Man, I was excited about this movie before, but now?
Let's see you disguise this boner, sweatpants!
Some Eric Roberts video highlights, after the jump.
Continue Reading "Dark Knight Acquires Eric Roberts from Dark Night"
Apr 25 2007Brain Behind Money Talks to Judge Film Talent
According to Variety, Steven Spielberg and Mark Burnett have a new reality show coming out where they search for the next filmmaking talent. One of the judges of the first round will be Brett Ratner, whose resume includes the classics Money Talks, X-Men 3 and all the Rush Hour movies, among other things. Congratulations, you are now the Paula Abdul of cinema.
Okay, so maybe his movies aren't the worst ones out there (though a case could be made for Money Talks), but why do we have to know his name? There is no reason I should have to know what Brett Ratner, Michael Bay, or (shudder) McG looks like.
Some of Ratner's best work, after the jump.
Continue Reading "Brain Behind Money Talks to Judge Film Talent"
Apr 24 2007New Condemned Clip Scrumpliciously Craptacular
Even up here in my ivory tower I can recognize that some movies suck just enough to be kickass. Judging by this latest clip, I think The Condemned might just be one of those movies. It stars Stone Cold Steve Austin and Vinnie Jones, natch.
I think the choreography to that scene went a little something like this:
"Uh, these dudes are both really big and have facial hair, but neither of them know martial arts."
"That's okay, just move the camera around a lot and then blow something up."
By the way, that big guy is Nathan Jones, he's the bad guy from The Protector, another delightfully fartdiculous action movie. Enjoy the flying elephant scene after the jump. You will not be disappointed.
Continue Reading "New Condemned Clip Scrumpliciously Craptacular"
Apr 24 2007Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Domestic Trailer
Hot on the heels of the international trailer, the domestic Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix trailer flies at U.S. audiences, on a broom or whatever. The added footage in this version rewards democracy, again putting America at the forefront of world freedom and wizard movie trailers. Hooray!
High-resolution over at Yahoo!
Apr 24 2007Scorsese Finally Makes Movie About Italians
Scorsese accepting "Best Eyebrows" jury prize at the Hoboken Film Festival
The Italian film Nuovomondo, being released as Golden Door here, is now being "presented" by Martin Scorsese.
I tried to present a couple movies once, but then the security guard told me he didn't think a guy in a gorilla suit with the crotch cut out was the image they wanted to present for Finding Nemo. Fascists.
[The] Move is part of a campaign by the Disney division to gain awareness for a pic that, though it features European celebs like Charlotte Gainsbourg, has no stars who would resonate widely in the U.S.
Anyway, what's up with them changing the names of movies? Doesn't "Nuovomondo" mean "New World"?
See the trailer after the jump. Heart, consider yourself warmed.
Continue Reading "Scorsese Finally Makes Movie About Italians"
Apr 24 2007Coen Brothers Get Serious
The Coen Brothers have announced that following their Brad Pitt picture, Burn After Reading, they will write, direct and produce Serious Man, said to be a return to the dark comedy in the style of Fargo. For those of us who loved Fargo and the brothers' previous, darker works, this return to form is great news, and hopefully representative of a return to the pretentiousness that first drew me to the duo.
You see, though Fargo was a critical success, taking home two Oscars in 1997, its blending of the humorous and macabre was still high-brow enough to keep at least Michael Bay fans away. Watching it, enjoying it, catching the little subtleties, you couldn't help but feel that, hey, I might not have a girlfriend, or any friends at all for that matter, but at least I "get it."
Then came The Big Lebowski, which at first seemed like it might not connect with mass audiences but was soon picked up by college frat boys, presumably mistaking it for Kingpin. They embraced the outcast characters, recognizing how they would later oppress these types of people once attaining their business degrees, and made Lebowski the go-to film after drunk viewings of Swingers and Scarface. Even shooting The Man Who Wasn't There in black and white couldn't keep the brothers from mainstream success at that point. And not to say I disliked Intolerable Cruelty or Ladykillers, but that my mom saw them speaks volumes.
So here's to hoping the Coens' return to the dark comedy will mark not only a return to the style of work we first learned to love, but the return of my obnoxious, unwarranted elitism. If I can't get it here, I'll have to start listening to NPR.
Apr 23 2007Spider-Man 3 May Be Most Expensive Movie Ever
I've spent that much on rims alone, dawg.
As the release date for Spider-Man 3 grows nearer and nearer, talks of the exorbitant cost of the film have started to turn up, now saying the film may have spent over $300 million on production alone, making it the most expensive movie ever made (not counting the cost to society, which makes Deuce Bigelow 2 the most expensive). Execs and producers worry this could become the norm, making a $200 million picture the standard, drawing funds from other projects. On the plus side, it means my as-yet-undeveloped script, Static Shot of Man Burning One Billion Dollars in Small, Controlled Fire, is that much closer to production.
Apr 23 2007Crispin Glover Playing I Scream/Ice Cream Man
In a bit of not surprising casting news, cult icon and gaunt creep Crispin Glover has been cast as a gaunt, creepy ice cream man in the cleverly-named indie horror picture The I Scream Man. With a cast that includes other classic actors like Tom Sizemore, Judd Nelson, and Haylie Duff, producers hope idiot movie renters will be drawn to the DVD's sure-to-be-awesome, probably-somewhat-unrelated cover art and list of "stars" before realizing that the title doesn't really make that much sense.
I Scream Man Fact: Seriously, "The I Scream Man"? What is that implying, that he screams? I thought he was supposed to be the one making people scream. And even if it ends up he is the one screaming, that doesn't mean he'd be called "The I Scream Man." I compulsively masturbate, but it doesn't mean I'm called the "I Masturbate Man." I'm just "That Masturbating Guy." They are really stretching here.
Apr 23 2007The Language of Crap is Universal
Kazakhstani title: Pig Rides Motorbikes
As further proof that foreigners are just as dumb we are, Wild Hogs grabbed the top spot at the international box office.
See, there's no reason to fear them. Because despite their excess body hair, poor dental hygiene, and belief that cologne can substitute for a shower, ethnic types are just like us. Beneath their swarthy exteriors breathe proud, xenophobic Americans, dying to blow their hard-earned cash on cinematic abortions starring Tim Allen.
We are the world/We are the children...
Apr 23 2007Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix International Trailer
The new Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix international trailer will send your Bible study group into a tizzy with its glamorized portrait of pagan witchcraft as a rollicking adventure. They may even question your devotion to the church when you're so excited by the black arts. Calm them by reminding them that a crucifix is just a magic wand with a little dead dude hanging off.
Apr 23 2007Joker Makeup Test?
This shot is supposedly a makeup test for Heath Ledger's Joker in The Dark Knight, which has replaced the bright, garish Joker ensemble we know and love with something more akin to The Crow makeup done with scars. This is clearly a darker, edgier Joker that prefers his emotional attacks come in the form of Cure mixtapes over chemical nerve gases. Better yet, he helps the camera crew shoot color cards or whatever they need. He even restocks the craft service table, and that's no joke!
UPDATE: Turns out it's a fake. You can read all about it here, and even see the sample images used to create it.
Apr 23 2007Slevin Dudes to Make Rum Diary Movie
"Dogs f*** the pope, no fault of mine."
"Lucky Number Slevin" writer Jason Smilovic and producers Tyler Mitchell and Robert Kravis have formed Dark & Stormy Entertainment, a production company that will hatch film and TV projects.
One of their first projects will be the film version of Hunter S. Thompson's The Rum Diary with Johnny Depp and writer/director Bruce Robinson.
I'm almost scared to see this made into a movie. I fell asleep five minutes into Lucky Number Slevin (dumbest title ever, btw), and the only thing I've heard of that Bruce Robinson has done is The Killing Fields, which came out when I was three.
Is it too late to get Terry Gilliam?
