Apr 20 2007LOST BOYS SEQUEL!!
(movie voice guy) "In a world...full of crappy sequels..." it's pretty awesome to be able to report that a sequel to The Lost Boys, of all things, is in the works. Not only did I just crap myself with glee (good thing grandma left the plastic on this couch! Even though she calls it a "davenport". Whatever, grandma. Why don't you go empty your colostomy bag, whore.)...I also get to post this AMAZING video of a buff dude sexily sax playing.
MORE SAX PLAYING! MORE COREYS! NOW WITH JACK BAUER!
I need to go lie down.
Apr 20 2007First 3:10 to Yuma Stills
Russell Crowe a'warned you to stay away from his melodramatic old man, and now yer gonna pay the price.
Russell Crowe and Christian Bale costar in 3:10 to Yuma, a remake of the 1957 film, and engage in a battle of wills as a small-time rancher tries to hold a captured outlaw as he waits for the titular train. Fill your daily cowboy quota with these first shots from the film, then enjoy the cool, refreshing taste of Marlboro cigarettes. You're a man now, son. You're a man.
See Christian Bale's mullet under the cut.
Apr 20 2007The Bourne Ultimatum Trailer
In the new trailer for The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon presents those who stole his past and identity with a final ultimatum: "I, Jason Bourne, will repeatedly kick and punch your henchmen. Then, as I've been known to in previous Bourne outings, I will give you a mocking phone call when I'm right outside your headquarters. You will respond with shock and dismay. If you do not, I will continue to call until you do."
Apr 20 2007First Terrible Image of The Joker
From the man who brought you such treasures as "some porn taped off Cinemax that's kind of old and staticy but you can still make out the tits" and "close-up of Suzanne Denkins from high school's vagina, or it might be her armpit" comes "first shot of Heath Leadger as The Joker but you can't really make much out 'cause it's from my old cell phone. You know I'm savin' up for a better one, though, dude." Enjoy.
Apr 20 2007Bono, Edge, Spiderman: WTF?
Oh Spiderman, how long must we sing this song?
I can't believe the news today
Get ready for "Spider-Man: The Broadway Musical."
Oh I can't close my eyes and make it go aw-aaaaaayy...
Marvel Studios is putting the pieces together for a musical on the Great White Way starring the popular superhero, which will be directed by Tony winner Julie Taymor, with U2's Bono and the Edge creating new music and lyrics for the project."
And today the millions cry....
Apr 20 2007Brad Pitt + Coen Brothers = Love
Brad Pitt will join George Clooney in Burn After Reading, a Coen brothers project set to shoot in August. No one knows much about the project, but both these guys give me raging hetero man-boners (because they're such good actors), and the Coen brothers did The Big Lebowski and are thus above reproach forever.
Pitt and Clooney are hoping this will be just the thing to make people forget Ocean's 13. Seriously, how many f***ing times can you rob a casino? Unless Joe Pesci's stabbing someone to death with a pen, I'm staying home.
Apr 19 2007Laurence Fishburne Voicing Silver Surfer
Laurence Fishburne, first rumored to be voicing the giant cloud of Galactus in Fantastic Four 2, will reportedly instead be providing the voice to the Silver Surfer. The actor beat out James Earl Jones, Sisko from Deep Space Nine, and Worf, Fishburne's biggest rivals in the black guy with cool deep voice category.
The role as the Surfer will compete directly against Pill-Choice-Guy in The Matrix for the honor of what Fishburne will be sitting at a comic convention autographing pictures of in ten years.
Apr 19 2007License to Wed Poster
The License to Wed poster has three main issues.
1. As if the goofy, bright red lettering with the characters on a white background style that's become synonymous with terrible comedies isn't enough, this shit stain's got Robin Williams in it.
2. Robin Williams appears to be playing a man of God, yet this movie's existence disproves God.
3. Robin Williams is in it.
Apr 19 2007Adam Sandler in Movie With Jessica Biel's Boobs
So I was in the middle of thinking up one of those holy-crap-this-writes-itself bad Adam Sandler movie jokes while I was watching this trailer, and then about two minutes and eleven seconds into it I found all the blood in my body rushing away from my brain.
You all owe it to yourself to do a google image search on Jessica Biel. She makes my naughty parts tingle.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry Trailer:
See the hi-res version here
Apr 19 2007The Golden Age Trailer
Recognizing that calling the Elizabeth sequel Elizabeth II might make it confusing due to the current, frumpy Elizabeth II, the film will soon arrive as Elizabeth: The Golden Age. This chapter of the queen's life seems more like Braveheart with more elaborate costumes, with Cate Blanchett shouting inspirational battle cries and leading armies on horseback. Take your daughter and change the way she plays 'princess' from here on out, which until now was by going on high speed chases with the paparazzi since you took her to The Queen.
Will this be Blanchett's chance to take the Oscar many feel she was robbed of in 1999, or will, as many predict, Eddie Murphy take home the award in every category, just because Norbit "is that good"?
Apr 19 2007Cannes Film Festival Roundup
"We are/the Coen Bro-thers/Don't get a-long with others..."
The Cannes film festival is set to open in...Cannes...with a lineup of heavy hitting auteurs (does anyone actually know what this word means?)
The festival will open with Wong Kar Wai's first English movie, Blueberry Nights, and will include new movies from the Coen brothers, Gus Van Sant, Steven Soderbergh, Michael Winterbottom and Michael Moore.
Quentin Tarantino is also said to be bringing a special version of Death Proof that he created specifically for the festival.
One only hopes that this will be the version without 50 minutes of pointless jabbering. Jesus Christ, I finally watched Grindhouse the other night and I feel like I should've gotten laid at least four times over after having to listen to that much inane girl palaver.
Kurt Russel was awesome though. That dude's f***in' harsh.
Apr 18 2007Ocean's 13 One-Sheet
Have y'all seen the new Ocean's Thirteen poster? It's almost exactly the same as the old Ocean's Thirteen poster, except white. If purchased and spread out on a living room floor, it provides the perfect opportunity to pretend you've been enlarged by radiation and are now rampaging through a posh celebrity casino. When the handsome stars are crushed, move on to having sex with their small celebrity girlfriends. An issue of Us Magazine works for this part.
Apr 18 2007Gayest Story Lead of the Day Award
And the Gay News Lead of the Day Award goes to...
The Hollywood Reporter, for this little gem:
New Line is packing the cooler, throwing on some sunscreen, and leaving for a "Mancation".
The story goes on to say that the studio has bought a "pitch" (not to be confused with an actual SCRIPT) about "a guy who decides that marriage has drained his little brother's manhood, so he drags him on a testorone-filled getaway to help him get it back."
It sounds like How Steve Got His Boner Back might be a better title, though I welcome your suggestions. Seriously though, if studios are going to buy ideas for movies now, instead of things people have actually written, they might want to go with, say, a novel idea for a movie, like Being John Malkovich, rather than something that sounds like Old School for the mentally challenged.
Italics rule.
Apr 18 2007Bana and McAdams Time Travel/Marry
Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams have signed with New Line to star in The Time Traveler's Wife, an adaptation of the bestselling Audrey Niffenegger novel. He's a librarian who time travels when stressed out; she's a young heiress who just wants a husband who doesn't time travel! Zoinks, how will they make it work?! Even if the movie tanks, CBS will definitely pick this up as a Mike O'Malley sitcom.
Apr 18 2007Kinsberg to Give Hardy Men Raging Clue
Simon Kinberg, the dude who wrote Mr. & Mrs. Smith, xXx 2 (nominated for the 2005 Teen Choice award for "Choice Rap Artist in a Movie"), and the third X-Men movie, has been hired to do a complete overhaul of the Hardy Men script, which will star Tom Cruise and Ben Stiller as the grown up Hardy boys.
I, for one, think this is a fantastic idea. In fact, I was just watching my xXx 2 Criterion Collection DVD the other day (as I'm wont to do), and I was thinking to myself, you know what the best part of this movie is? The writing. The dialogue is just top shelf, and the plot has more twists than an Anaconda! Which makes sense, because Ice Cube was in both Anaconda and xXx 2. X3 was also great. All through the first two movies I was thinking, "Enough of this Wolverine shit, I want to see the guy who lives in the woods and throws sticks."
Tom Cruise playing a Hardy Boy? There's a an easy gay joke here, but you know what? I've got too much class. And money. And rippling muscles.
Call me ladies.
Apr 18 2007Galactus is Clouds
"A million and more alien eyes look upon him who is Galactus, and for each race the vision differs." For moviegoers, it's going to be a f***ing cloud. According to AICN, Galactus, the devourer of worlds, seen most-commonly as a giant white guy in goofy pink armor, will be portrayed in the new Fantastic Four as a large storm cloud.
I, for one, won't notice the difference, because I'm one of a small group of citizens afflicted with synaesthesia, coupling many of my senses. When I look at the number 5, I see the color red. 20 is a a bowl of steaming porridge, and Galactus has always been a large storm cloud. And when I look at you? I see an asshole, just like everyone else does.
Apr 18 2007Van Damme Jumpkicking Into Supernatural Thriller
Moviehole reports that Jean Claude Van Damme will be extending slightly beyond the action genre to try his hand at a supernatural thriller with some horror elements in Holy Blood, said to be something like The Exorcist meets The X-Files meets terrible Belgian acting.
In honor of the occasion, I've posted a clip from Van Damme's first venture into horror: his televised dancing and accompanying public erection.
Apr 17 2007Bruce and Berry Bomb Bereft of Balky
Revolution Studios and Sony Pictures are bemoaning the drubbing that the Halle Berry/Bruce Willis flick "Perfect Strangers" took at the box office this weekend.
"Perfect Strangers," from Revolution Studios and Sony Pictures, received an overall grade of C-plus. Starring Halle Berry and Bruce Willis, the R-rated thriller had been expected to enjoy an edge over the rest of the competition, but instead ranked fourth for the weekend, with a gross of $11.2 million.They expected an edge over the rest of the competition? Without Balky? Get real, everyone knows he was the heart of the franchise.
According to IMDB, there have been seven films and TV series with the name "Perfect Strangers", and that's not even counting all the one's named "A Perfect Stranger". Is it really that hard to find a unique name? Get creative people. I had a kid once and named him "D'Brickashaw". Now everyone's copying me.
Apr 17 2007Sam Raimi Taking Over The Hobbit?
Speaking to Entertainment Weekly, Sam Raimi revealed that, as rumored by rumor-mongers, he may be taking over the Lord of the Rings franchise to direct The Hobbit. Said the filmmaker:
Peter Jackson might be the best filmmaker on the planet right now. But, um, I don't know what's going to happen next for me right now. First and foremost, those are Peter Jackson and Bob Shaye's films. If Peter didn't want to do it, and Bob wanted me to do it — and they were both okay with me picking up the reins — that would be great. I love the book. It's maybe a more kid-friendly story than the others.
This news may put a fourth Spider-Man in peril, as Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst have already expressed reluctance in continuining the series, particularly if Raimi won't be involved. Luckily, either decision the director makes will leave nerds with the chance to elaborately dress up as the characters and scare the shit out of normies.
Apr 17 2007Transmorphers is Coming!
Able to morph between really shitty and really, really shitty.
Right now, most likely at your local Blockbuster store, there's an industry that's thriving on the ineptitude of video rental customers who can't tell the difference between a blockbuster movie that's just been released in theaters and its shoddy, low-budget, similarly-named counterpart that's already on DVD. At the forefront of this burgeoning industry is Asylum, who have just announced their unique vision of giant transforming robots in the new straight-to-DVD Transmorphers.
Though I was vaguely aware of these knock-off titles, Cinematical has graciously taken the task of cataloguing the shameless Asylum library and pairing the titles up with their Hollywood counterparts. I'm blown away.
King Kong -- King of the Lost World
The Exorcism of Emily Rose -- Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers
When a Stranger Calls -- When a Killer Calls
The Hills Have Eyes -- Hillside Cannibals
The Da Vinci Code -- The Da Vinci Treasure
The Omen -- 666: The Child
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest -- Pirates of Treasure Island
Snakes on a Plane -- Snakes on a Train
Eragon -- Dragon
The Hitcher -- The Hitchhiker
Primeval / Rogue -- SuperCroc
My favorite is definitely Eragon to Dragon, because it almost makes it seem like Eragon is the knock-off. I sure know what a dragon is, but an Eragon could be nearly anything. Why place my bets on a word similar to dragon when I've got Dragon right there, on DVD shelves months before whatever this "Eragon" is? The Da Vinci Treasure is pretty good, too.
Apr 16 2007Edward Norton is the New Hulk
Marvel Studios has announced that Edward Norton will play Bruce Banner in the sequel to The Incredible Hulk. The first Hulk movie kinda sucked, but it's the law of the universe that every comic book has to be made into at least six movies, so hopefully Norton can get the franchise back on track.
Word on the street is that the new hulk will be a green supremacist who's always freaking out and curb stomping everyone.
Apr 16 2007Shia LaBeouf Coming to Your House, Banging Your Girlfriend
Shia LaBeouf is playing Indy's son in the next Indiana Jones movie. He's also the star of Disturbia, which took number one at the box office this weekend, and Transformers, the most talked-about Michael Bay turd since that time he clogged up the toilet at my sister's house. He was all like, "Sorry dudes! I think something must've crawled up in my guts and died!" We all had a good laugh at first, but then we had to call a plumber.
Anyway, I, for one, am happy for LaBeouf. But you know who's not? Sunnis. They hate seeing a Shia succeed.
UPDATE: According to IMDB, the Plot Keywords for Transformers are "Desert, Comic, Car Chase, Giant Robot, Romance". If Michael Bay made a movie about my life, the keywords would be "Adonis, Tijuana, Swordfight, DVDA, Nougat, Barn Owl".
Apr 16 2007Prince of Persia Finds Director
According to IESB, Jerry Bruckheimer's big screen adaptation of popular video game Prince of Persia has found a director in the abominable Michael Bay. Though many hold out hope for Bay's upcoming Transformers, even giant robots can't wash the taste of Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, and a couple of Bad Boys from my mouth, and I'm already assuming Prince of Persia will ruin the Arabian adventure genre and possibly make me racist. Yet I can't help but think that if they take the part of the video games where the prince can manipulate time, Bay will really nail the slow motion parts. And maybe any parts that include failed attempts at logic or romance, which Bay has shown exceptional aptitude for.
Apr 16 200728 Weeks Later Posters
Two new posters for horror sequel 28 Weeks Later have been revealed, the one above featuring someone who, judging by the eyes, may or may not be David Bowie. You'll just have to see the movie to find out. The other poster is under the cut.
Apr 16 2007Hairspray Trailer
By Bollywood standards, Hairspray looks like a real treat. This is because every Bollywood movie involves the kind of elaborate song and dance routines seen here, but typically with stupider costumes. By my standards, it looks like a bunch of crappy song and dance routines with John Travolta in drag and a fat suit for some reason. But if that's your thing, enjoy.
