Apr 13 2007Jurassic Park IV Gets New Director
Jurassic Park III director Joe Johnston won't be returning for the fourth film, which deserves at least three frownie faces: ;-( ;-( ;-(
This has sparked rumors that Steven Spielberg might be back to direct.
So wait, Jurassic Park IV? What's the plot of this one, exactly? The velociraptors have a midlife crisis and buy Harleys? The tough but fair T-Rex moves to the inner city to coach a black swim team?
The only thing we can say for sure at this point is that one of the dinosaurs will wear sunglasses and rap.
Apr 13 2007Living Free, Dying Hard
It seems that the two Seinfeld vets who wrote and directed Live Free or Die, the independent film that opened on a handful of screens in New England last week, are a bit surprised to be nearly sharing a title with the soon-to-be-released Bruce Willis blockbuster.
Co-Writer/Director Gregg Kavet:
Well I don't know for sure that they stole it, but we didn't offer Bruce Willis the role. You know, and why pick Live Free or Die Hard? They have so many juicier titles to pick from, not least of which is Die Hardest.Die Hardest? Come on guys, if you want them to change the name you've gotta give 'em something better than that. Here are some of our suggestions:
Give Me Liberty or Give Me Die Hard
In God We Die Hard
Sic Semper Die Hard
I Regret That I Have But One Chance to Die Hard For My Country
Don't Tread on Me or You Will Die. Hard. 4.
Die Hard 4: Someone is Trying to Die Me, Hard, but I Wanna Live Free and Not Die. Hard.
Special thanks to muses Ben and Brendan for this one.
Apr 13 2007Christina Ricci Joins Speed Racer
Christina Ricci has signed on to join Emile Hirsch as Speed, John Goodman as Pops, and Susan Sarandon as Mom in the Wachowski Brothers' live-screen adaptation of Speed Racer. Ricci will play the role of Speed's girlfriend Trixie, a girl whose slutty name betrays her prudish chastity. If ever a role was built for a girl with a giant forehead, narrow chin, and huge eyes, this is it. Or any other anime female.
Apr 12 2007Atonement Trailer
Based on the acclaimed novel by Ian McEwan, Atonement stars Keira Knightly and James McAvoy in the kind of historical romance that makes Oprah cry and heartily recommend. Recommended as a date movie; women will love the romance, men will love the war and opportunity to drug their date's soft drink.
Apr 12 2007Diggers Trailer
Diggers (trailer above) has quirky characters, 20-30 somethings, death in the family, life epiphanies, a mix of memorably powerful/funny lines, and Paul Rudd. My friends, we've got ourselves the next big hipster dramedy.
Apr 12 2007Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears Returning to TV
From the Hollywood Reporter, CBS has plans to bring '80s cartoon classics Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears back to television, allowing another generation of girls and gayish boys to celebrate animated rainbows and desserts.
The article goes on to explain that Care Bears will feature "a new take on such original characters as Cheer Bear, Funshine and Grumpy," and I'm really curious how exactly they're going to do this. I understand that Funshine was always a layered, complex character, but how many takes can you have on a character named Grumpy? His personality seems pretty set in stone.
Apr 12 2007First Shot of Iron Man
A shot has emerged of one of the Iron Man suits from the upcoming movie based on the comic. This is the armored suit first constructed by Tony Stark to escape while being held as POW, making me wonder why John McCain was held so long. You think you can be president when you can't even build an Iron Man suit while captive? What the F, McCain?
And I can't help but wonder what you do if you have to poop while you're in that thing. I had a hard enough time in snow pants.
Apr 11 2007Drinky The Crow Show Clips
Tony Millionaire's Maakies comic is coming to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim as The Drinky Crow Show on May 13, and you can see the intro with theme music by They Might Be Giants above. Watch and remind yourself that drinking is cute, not a problem, no matter what your family says. Whiskey understands you better than they ever will.
Apr 11 2007Anna Nicole Smith Will Be Played By...
Willa Ford, apparently a pop singer, has signed on to star as Anna Nicole Smith in the inevitable upcoming biopic. One look at her nearly naked ass and you can tell she'll handle the life of our queen with the kind of quiet dignity it deserves.
Apr 11 2007First Shot from Get Smart
USA Today has posted the first shot of Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway in-costume for their roles as Maxwell Smart and Agent 99 in the movie remake of the Cold War sitcom Get Smart. They look fine, but there's something very unfulfilling about seeing a costume when it's just a suit or dress. I've seen a suit before, and I've seen Steve Carell in a suit every Thursday. It's like when you show me your stupid baby. It's mostly bald, kind of plumpish. I get it. I've seen babies before. Your baby looks like every other stupid baby. So stop showing me your baby. Unless you put him in a miniature suit.
Apr 11 2007Giovanni Ribisi Theorizing Relativity
Speaking at the press junket for Perfect Stranger, Giovanni Ribisi revealed that he'll be playing Albert Einstein in Liliana Cavani's biopic of the famous physicist. The film will begin at the star of Einstein's relationship with his first wife, Mileva, and end at his death, never reaching the historical point where your idiot roommate insisted on hanging up a poster of the scientist sticking his tongue out, turning off every girl you brought back.
While Einstein is known as perhaps the most important scientist in history, having used facts and theory to further human understanding, Ribisi is famously a Scientologist, using nonsense and science fiction to invent crazy shit. Also, the two have similar hairlines. Overall, good casting.
Apr 10 2007Superman Returning to Orlando?
Just Jared reports that Orlando Bloom was spotted discussing a possible role in a Superman Returns sequel with director Bryan Singer and producers Jon and Mindy Peters. If this is true, and they really were discussing a role, it begs the question of what role could possibly be suited for the svelte actor. I've been trying to come up with the most degrading role I could think of for him, but I couldn't decide on anything I was happy with. I leave it to you to choose:
- Supergirl
- Lois's vain, effeminate best friend
- A vain, effeminate pirate character
- Lex Vagina
- Create your own!
Apr 10 2007Hanks to Continue Da Vinci Coding
A secret tipster has told Cinemablend that Tom Hanks has officially signed on to reprise his role as Dr. Robert Langdon in the Da Vinci Code sequel, Angels & Demons. Rumor is that he will join international supermodel Gisele Bundchen in the film, proving once again that the hots girls always flock to conspiracy theorists with giant foreheads and strange, wavy clumps of hair.
Apr 10 2007Ed Helms Gets Shot at Stardom
Variety reports Universal has placed their faith in former Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms, giving The Office actor a shot at stardom with A Whole New Hugh. The pitch, based around three guys boosting their friend's confidence by making him appear successful, was greenlighted after producer Judd Apatow insisted Helms was the cat's pajamas.
See evidence of his cat pajamitude in the Office montage above, highlighting the best moments of Helms' character. It will either make you laugh until you cry or just cry, depending on if you're an unstable emotional wreck or not.
Apr 10 2007Bratz Poster(z)
While Transformers may be the big blockbuster toyline-turned-movie this year, there's a sassier, brattier group of us eagerly awaiting another entry in this category. That's right, I'm talkin' 'bout Bratz. In this first poster for the live-action adaptation, we see Shifty Brat, Suspicious Brat, Dead Eyes Brat, and Winksy Brat (may not be actual Brat names) doin' their thang. Right on, grrlz!
Bratz Fact: Though it's officially a poster, I use it more as an abduction catalog. Number 2, you're comin' with me.
Apr 9 2007Green Arrow Prison Movie Coming
Batman Begins and Blade scribe David Goyer has dropped his long discussed plans for The Flash in favor of a take on a DC Comics' villain prison starring comic book dandy Green Arrow. Called Super Max, the film tells the story of a wrongly-imprisoned Green Arrow fighting his way out of prison while both employing the help of and avoiding the wrath of the supervillains he put there.
They shave his goatee and they take his costume and send him to prison for life, and he has to escape. It's like 'Alcatraz,' and he has to team up with, in some cases, some of the very same villains he is responsible for incarcerating in order to get out and clear his name.
I really like that they immediately shave his goatee when he's jailed. As if it isn't already bad enough that they've wrongly incarcerated him, placed him amongst his biggest, most powerful enemies, and taken his only power from him (shooting arrows, I guess), there's that final nail in the coffin. But it's just as well, I suppose. From what I've seen on Oz, he's just going to get it worse with that cute little waxed beard. If he keeps that, he might as well have a green arrow pointed right up his ass.
Apr 9 2007Superbad Trailer Defies Its Name
Arrested Development's Michael Cera and the fat kid who wants you to ask him about his wiener from Accepted star in Superbad, a new high school comedy that sets itself apart with a producing credit from Judd Apatow and writing credit from Seth Rogen. With all this talent, it's promising to bring all kinds of funny to theaters. Unfortunately, it also brings juvenile diabetes with the funny, meaning each laugh you expel is one less sweet your unborn child will get to enjoy. Even your laughter at this short trailer will likely ruin at least one Halloween for them.
Apr 9 2007Rob Zombie's Halloween Trailer
The trailer for Rob Zombie's remake of John Carpenter's Halloween can be seen above or in high quality here. The way I see it, there are two ways to remake a movie: the wrong way and the way where you recreate it shot-for-shot with dogs. This is one of the two.
