Mar 30 2007Evan Almighty Trailer
Evan Almighty tells the story of a congressman (Steve Carell) enlisted by God to take on the role of a modern Noah, building an ark and preserving Earth's species in the forthcoming flood. If Richard Dawkins and his liberal cronies had their way, this hysterical comedy would be about boring science! Shame on them. Hooray for God!
Mar 30 2007New Ocean's 13 Trailer
What I think a lot of people hate about most Hollywood movies is that they make you pick just one sexy hunk. "Why can't we have more sexy hunks in one film?" I'm often asked. I typically have no response. But now I can tell them Ocean's Thirteen gives you Brad, George, and Matt for one admission price! I suppose I could have told them about Ocean's Eleven or Twelve too, but I'm only one man.
Mar 30 2007New Harry Potter Pictures!
How can I get you outta that cardigan?
ComingSoon has some new pictures from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. If only you had so many pictures of your dead son maybe his memory wouldn't be fading so quickly.
Mar 30 2007Hairspray Poster
Did you ever wonder what the poster for High Fidelity look like if it were a garish musical? Something like this.
Mar 30 2007I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry Trailer
It's widely known that homosexuality is like the grossest thing ever. Two men in love? Yeck! I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry proudly exploits this concept by showing two straight men forced to pretend they're gay, and it's just as hilarious as you'd expect. The best part is when either Chuck or Larry (whichever is the fat King of Queens) tries to kiss either Chuck or Larry (whichever is Adam Sandler). Sandler responds, appropriately, by punching the King of Queens. It reminds us how gays should be physically persecuted for their sinning. My only question: why didn't he kill him?
Mar 28 20077-Elevens Becoming Kwik-E-Marts
Though the deal isn't yet sealed, 7-Eleven has plans to dress 11 of their stores to resemble Kwik-E-Marts in a joint promotion with The Simpsons Movie, including the addition of Simpsons-inspired products like KrustyO's cereal, Buzz Cola, and Squishees. Current 7-Eleven fans need not worry that they'll lose their favorite features of the chain; though the signs and cups will say Squishee, it will still be a classic Slurpee inside, and, thankfully, meth-addicted thieves will continue to burglarize the store on a nightly basis.
Mar 28 2007Ray Winstone Joins Indy 4
The Hollywood Reporter announced today that Ray Winstone, Jack Nicholson's crime partner in The Departed, will be joining Cate Blanchett and Harrison Ford in the cast of the next Indiana Jones film. Though the plot is still cloaked in secrecy, sources say he will be playing Jones' sidekick, disregarding the archaeologist's well-established preference for young Asian boys. As sidekick, Winstone's duties will include reminding Indiana when there is or is not time for love, forcing ladies to call him "Dr. Jones," and occasional chauffeuring.
Mar 28 2007First Shot of Sweeney Todd
Tim Burton's latest, Sweeney Todd, tells the story of a seriak-killing old-fashioney barber played by Johnny Depp. Even with his murderous side, I can already tell from this first picture that I'd let him be my barber. Mainly because Mom won't let me have sideburns when she does it.
Mar 28 2007Normal Adolescent Behavior Trailer
This isn't really an official trailer but more of a montage of clips from Normal Adolescent Behavior, an odd take on a group of teens dealing with their sexuality and friendships. Watching the teens grope at each other in these clips, I couldn't help but be reminded of my own high school years, when I would watch teens grope at each other, often thinking, "This would be a good movie. About me watching teenagers grope each other."
Mar 27 2007Welling in for Brilliant Teen Wolf Remake?
Put a shirt on, asshole.
Dark Horizons reports that location scouting is currently underway for a remake of the '80s teen comedy Teen Wolf with a clever new spin on it: the wolf is a girl! How do they come up with this stuff?! Already set for the cast is Tom Welling of Smallville, proving Superman's greatest weakness is not kryptonite but a really shitty agent.
Mar 27 2007Depp and Banderas Headed to Sin City?
Might Johnny Depp and Antonio Banderas be in Sin City 2? Yes, they might. In an interview, director Robert Rodriguez said Depp was interested in the Jackie Boy role that eventually went to Benecio del Toro but now may play the character of Wallace. Meanwhile, a meeting between Frank Miller and Antonio Banderas now has the writer/co-director convinced he should find a role for the cologne baron (Antonio Banderas makes cologne). It sounds like Rodriguez is trying to bring as many of his mainstays as he can into the sequel. Also, the part of Sin City will now be played by Mexico.
Mar 27 200728 Weeks Later Trailer
There's now a trailer online, above or in high quality, for the 28 Days Later sequel 28 Weeks Later. Like the toilet rim you just cleaned only to find covered in urine and pubic hair the next morning, the city of London finds itself reinfected with the deadly Rage virus just when they thought they were ready to begin civil life again. Without seeing the movie, I can't say how the virus begins spreading again, but I do have some clues as to the perpetrator of the urine and pubic hair situation. How about the only other dude living here, Paul? Would it kill you to aim, or at least wipe the porcelain down now and then? I don't know if you're trimming your pubes every day or what, but our toilet looks like a Muppet. And don't even get me started about things of mine I've seen you scratch yourself with. Yeah, I'm noticing, so just cut it out.
Mar 27 2007Transformer Protect/Destroy Posters
In the new one-sheets for Transformers, we're given intense close-ups of the lead robot characters, reminding us that there's really no reason to ever provide close-ups of expressionless robot heads.
See emotionless Megatron (the bad guy) poster under the cut.
Mar 26 2007Marty and Leo Investing Together
BFF.
Variety announced yesterday that Martin Scorsese has added Jordan Belfort's autobiography, The Wolf of Wall Street, to his list of potential projects, and guess who he wants to star as the Long Island stockbroker. That's right, ol' Leonardo DiCaprio. After Gangs of New York, The Aviator, The Departed you'd think he'd be sick of the little twerp, but there it is. This confirms that they're definitely in love. You know they're in love, right? Because they're totally in love. On every film set they leave, the inscription MS + LD can be found somewhere, carved inside a heart. Fact.
Mar 26 2007The Golden Compass "Sizzle Reel"
The His Dark Materials trilogy looks to join Harry Potter and Narnia in the genre of young-adult-fantasy-spectacular with its first entry, The Golden Compass. Though the effects are far from finished, what I'm told is referred to as a "sizzle reel" has shown up online, giving a preview of the film. If, like me, you assumed anything with the term sizzle in it included bacon, bikini babes or a Sizzler, you're in for a disappointing surprise.
If you're interested, you'd better hurry. One can only sizzle for so long.
Mar 26 2007New Ratatouille Trailer
Hey, dudes, here's a new trailer for Pixar's Ratatouille on the scene, so all those old Ratatouille trailers can shove it. Hurry up and watch before Randy Newman writes a stupid song for it.
If the YouTube link goes down, it's on the Disney site.
Mar 26 2007Weaving and David Added to Transformers
The tricky thing about Transformers is that they are, as their tagline proclaims, more than meets the eye. With most of these characters, you'd swear they're just a normal car, a normal jet, a normal enormous cassette player, a normal robot dinosaur, and so on, but then a few seconds later you're looking at a big robot from space, and you're like, "Where did that come from?!"
Now it seems these robots are hiding yet another surprise: celebrity voices! According to AICN, Michael Bay's Transformers will feature the voice of Hugo Weaving (The Matrix, Lord of the Rings) as Megatron and Keith David (The Thing, voice of main gargoyle in Gargoyles) as Barricade.
Mar 26 2007First Shots of John Rambo
Returning to the role of John Rambo at age 60, Stallone still has that look of utter defiance in his face. Except now, instead of facing corrupt authority, he faces the cruel effects of time on his aging flesh. Will steroid-loaded arms and a mullet wig be enough to prove he's still got it? Or do the sag of his man-breasts mirror the drooping spirit of an old man so unable to come to terms with his age that he'll do any idiotic movie that lets him recreate characters of his youth? Probably the latter.
More candids from the set of John Rambo here.
Mar 23 2007Crowe to Play Sherlock Holmes?
Rememer how they're revamping and, dare I say, "awesome-izing" Sherlock Holmes by focusing on his fisticuffs and swordfighting? In order to get the brute physicality they want in the character, a recent report says Russell Crowe is the current favorite for the role. And because this is being reported on TeenHollywood.com, I'm taking it as fact.
Mar 23 2007Bounty Offered on DVD Sniffing Dogs
Kill these dogs on sight.
To fight the rampant DVD piracy of Malaysia, the MPAA has employed Lucky and Flo, two Labrador Retrievers, to sniff out the polycarbonate chemicals in DVDs. Though the dogs can't smell the difference between pirated and real discs (the dogs need to screen them to tell), they are able to detect where they are hidden.
The two have proved so effective that Malaysian pirates have put out an undisclosed bounty out for the pups, and while I don't necessarily support piracy, I can't help but love a good bounty hunt. Doesn't everyone? So let's get these f***ers. Be on the lookout for the two. They're black, maybe waist high, hairy. Both seem to sport highlighter yellow jackets, which, while smart looking, do little to conceal them in dark alleyways and such. Good luck and happy hunting.
Mar 23 2007Final (so they say) Spider-Man 3 Trailer
From the That '70s Show series finale.
Yeah, there's another Spider-Man 3 Trailer. This is either the tenth or eleventh, and if you need more Spider-Man crap, there are the roughly 1,500 posters. If you ask me, this entire story of a teenager being bitten by a radioactive spider, granting him the powers of the creature... a bit implausible.
For some reason Comcast is hosting this trailer, so be sure to sign up for a premium cable package while you're there. If you don't have HBO and Showtime, you don't have television. I'm hoping they'll pay me for saying that.
Mar 23 2007Winslet and DiCaprio Reteam for Mendes
Without question, the most romantic moment in history occurred when Leonardo DiCaprio, playing some sort of poor person, has Kate Winslet, playing a richer person, hold out her arms on the front of a ship named Titanic, all to the tune of Celine Dion's beautiful vocals. If you do not shed a single tear during this moment, you are heartless. You will never find love. The most you'll ever gain from dating is an occasional bout of meaningless sex that you'll find indistinguishable from your hand except in moisture content. You have no soul.
But for those who love the epic romance of Jack and Rose, it's time to celebrate! Leo and Kate will again find themselves linked in Sam Mendes' film Revolutionary Road, based on Richard Yates cheerful tale of "post-war disillusionment." This may be our heart "going on" as foretold by Ms. Dion.
Mar 22 2007Chris Ware Animation from This American Life
Those hoping to maintain their educated-older-hipster cred should know that tonight at 10:30 p.m. begins Showtime's adaptation of the popular NPR program This American Life. Cartoonist Chris Ware's animation for the series can be seen above, or the entire episode is available at the Showtime site, though I couldn't get it to play well. Those torn whether to show their loyalty to NPR and Ira Glass' efforts or to maintain their disdain for television should relax with some organic green tea, turn on the new Arcade Fire album, and ponder the situation over a McSweeney's.
Mar 22 2007Why is Bob Dylan in Reign Over Me?
I couldn't figure out why Adam Sandler was annoying me more than usual in the commercials for Reign Over Me, but now I've finally figured it out: it's that he isn't playing "Like a Rolling Stone." These types never want to play their hits, you know?
Mar 22 2007Cruise v. Hitler in New Film
Because Cruise will not be playing Hitler, this image makes little to no sense.
Variety reports that Tom Cruise has been cast in Bryan Singer's next film, a World War II thriller about German generals plotting to assassinate Adolph Hitler. With Cruise attempting to kill Hitler, the film will be the first to pit the absolute truths of Scientology against the evil ideologies of Nazi fascism. Does Hitler really think he can compete against the millions of years of alien technology on Scientology's side? Think again, Adolph!
Mar 22 2007Wonder Woman Cast?
According to Film Ick, the coveted role of Wonder Woman may have been given to Cobie Smulders. If she has indeed nailed the role, the actress can look forward to rocketing to stardom in the blockbuster picture, falling from that stardom following the critical lambasting of a film based foolishly around an Amazon goddess with a magical lasso and invisible jet, starring in some low-budget horror films that require modest nudity and/or lesbianism, and finishing her career as the perennial star of "take a picture with Wonder Woman," smiling through the stench of fanboys at comic conventions. Congratulations, Cobie!
Mar 22 2007Starbucking Trailer
I'm not sure if this is actually new, but I was shown the trailer for Starbucking today and I'm fairly saddened by its content. It's about this pathetic guy, possibly afflicted with OCD, who wants to do something no one has done before by visiting every Starbucks in the world. Of course, we rational humans understand that this goal is impossible. Starbucks are popping up at some insane rate of like three a day in every nation that allows coffee to mix with sweeteners.
Honestly, he'd be better off counting sand on the beach; it's just as impossible but there's less traveling, and a "Venti" sand won't cost you $6 and two days' calorie intake.
Mar 22 2007Gatchaman Concept Art
While the Wachoswkis work to get Speed Racer across the checkered flag (by that I mean get completed, using a clever racing reference), the folks at Imagi at dutifully working on another old anime adaptation, Gatchaman. For those who have forgotten, this is the one where they're dressed like birds.
The production company has revealed some concept art from the film, and though it does not include teenagers dressed as birds, it does highlight scenes of giant robots attacking a city (Neo-Tokyo? I think it always is) and more.
Between spoonfuls of an unidentified substance, Mr. Harry Knowles was kind enough to rip all the images from the Flash page and post them here with some more information. Cheers to you, sir.
Mar 22 2007Magicians Trailer
The writers and stars of the British comedy Peep Show have developed a feature film for your enjoyment, now available online in trailer format. Called Magicians, the comedy tells the story of two magicians on the outs after one accidentally decapitates the other's wife during a trick.
I like this concept because it demonstrates my long-held point that, with its potential for danger, magic is the weakest of the natural sciences. Biology, chemistry, physics--they're all helping to make our world better place. Magic is so based in near-death, escape, and playing cards that it's a wonder we consider it science at all. If David Blaine can fly, why isn't he sharing his power with the world instead of using it as the finale to an hour-long ABC special? He is both our best and worst scientist, in that sense.
UPDATE: Magic may not be a natural science.
Mar 21 200728 Weeks Later One-Sheet
The poster to 28 Weeks Later, the sequel to pseudo-zombie movie 28 Days Later, has an old propaganda-style look to it. But be careful, because there's another type of poster that has an old propaganda look to it: actual propaganda. And before you know it you're a communist.
It would also be a good Coke ad if changed to "Maintain the Quarantine... of Refreshing Taste!"
Mar 21 2007Emile Hirsch as Speed Racer?
According to The Hollywood Reporter, Alpha Dog's Emile Hirsch is in talks to take the starring role in the Wachowski Brothers' adaptation of Speed Racer. The anime promises to translate well to live-action because it's absurd concept about a fantastic car full of crazy devices, a character named Racer X, and a clothed chimp mechanic. Hirsch has already begun growing out his ascot for the role.
Mar 21 2007No Reservations Trailer Looks Tasty!
Catherine Zeta-Jones stars as a chef with anger issues whose life is thrown into a tizzy when she's forced to care for her young niece (Abigail Breslin) and work with a hot new chef (Aaron Eckhart). Lines like "I wish there was a cookbook for life" are sure to surprise and delight audiences. I was like, "Hey, Z-J, I was just thinking of the exact same awkward cooking-related wish! Why isn't there a cookbook for life? And that Aaron Eckhart? He sets my heart to broil!"*
*Producers: if there's time for late additions to this film, feel free to add the line "he sets my heart to broil."
Mar 21 2007Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Posters
IMPA has a collection of posters from TMNT that would look great on your dorm room walls. Hanging them shares the message that you both embrace the nostalgia of your childhood and never want to have sex again.
Mar 21 2007Natalie Portman Nudity Turns Out Disappointing
When word spread that the Milos Forman film Goya's Ghosts would feature torture scenes of a nude Natalie Portman, the world cheered as we ignored the torture part and concentrated on the idea of seeing her little boobs. The scenes have turned up online, and they're nearly as disappointing as seeing my own nudity (without the tears). First off, while she's technically nude, they've cleverly obscured the parts with the bumps and slits we most look forward to. Secondly, it's apparently just a gaunt body double when you aren't seeing her face. Also, the torture aspect somehow takes something away from the sexuality of the situation. Still though...
More clips with more torture, not much more nudity, here.
Mar 20 2007Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End Trailer
Interrupting the Dancing with Former or Non-Celebrities show last night, the trailer for third chapter in the Pirates of the Caribbean saga has been released. I don't know about you, but as soon as it said the line "pirate lords from the four corners of the earth," I was sold. See it above or in higher quality here.
Mar 20 2007Shrek the Third Poster
In the new poster for Shrek the Third, it's revealed that our portly green hero is "in for the royal treatment." If you've ever been in prison, you know exactly what that means and can understand the disgust in Shrek's face. I have the feeling that outfit isn't going to help either.
Mar 19 2007Brandon Routh Joining Justice League?
When a Justice League movie was recently announced, a big question was how the studio would deal with Superman and Batman's presence in the group since they were already being played by actors in their individual franchises. Well, according to sources at Moviehole, Batman will likely be omitted from the group while Brandon Routh, star of Superman Returns, will likely join this group outing rather than a direct sequel to his film. His starring picture now a huge ensemble piece. This is the casting equivalent of thinking you're going to poop, maybe after a long bout of not pooping but feeling like you had to, but only getting a fart. I feel bad for Brandon Routh, for only getting to fart.
Mar 19 2007Bond 22 Continuing Casino Royale
Those who loved the last Bond will be glad to hear that the next one will be a continuation of the events of Casino Royale. Production designer Peter Lamont stated in an interview that Bond 22, set for release November 2008, picks up where the last film left off. Does this mean we'll see our favorite Cro-Magnon Bond, Daniel Craig, complete his development of stone tools? Only time will tell.
Mar 19 2007Dolemite Remake With Snoop Dogg
If the blaxploitation remake shelf at your local Blockbuster seems empty with just Samuel L. Jackson's Shaft, it's about to get some company: Dolemite, the 1975 comedy starring Rudy Ray Moore, is up for a remake. Director Bill Fishman, a possible man/fish hybrid, will helm the project and hopes to respect the original, adding, "I think there is a certain sincerity in the original that is kind of undeniable," but neglecting to mention how he'd ruin that.
Snoop Dogg, one of the black people Fishman has heard of besides Wayne Brady, is in discussions to star, though the Wayans clan is still waiting anxiously at their communal phone.
Mar 19 2007New Spider-Man 3 international poster
This is the new international Spider-Man 3 poster, though it's basically the same as all the other Spider-Man 3 posters. I just wish they'd come up with some new ideas. Ya know, like instead of having black Spider-Man face red Spider-Man just have it be of a giant picture of Wolverine.
Mar 19 2007Anna Nicole Smith Movie on "Fast Track"
Striking while the body's still warm, Jack Nasser of Nasser Entertainment told CNN that they will begin shooting an Anna Nicole Smith biopic early next month. "We're on what we call 'the fast track,' " said Nasser, using hip Hollywood jargon. Though planned for theaters, it may only hit television screens, but regardless, Nasser promised the film will "not focus on the trash," instead focusing on "the positive." I assume this means the positive stripping career, positive weight gains, positive fake marriage to rich oil tycoon, positive reality show about her obnoxious stupidity, positive death of young son, positive confusion about the identity of her daughter's father, and positive death in a hotel room.
If this doesn't make people disgusted enough with his exploitation of the situation, Nasser will just start dry humping the corpse.
Mar 19 2007Stardust Teaser Trailer
Watch this trailer to Stardust and wonder how Robert De Niro, Claire Danes, Michelle Pfeiffer, Sienna Miller, Rupert Everett, Ian McKellen, Peter O'Toole, and Ricky Gervais were somehow convinced to star in this sort of Dungeons & Dragons adaptation. Of course if you've read the Neil Gaiman novel it's based on, you probably have all sorts of crazy opinions about how it's not necessarily Dungeons & Dragons just because it's set in a fantasy world of swords and wizardry. Tell it to your dice bag, nerd.
UPDATE: Apparently it's not an official trailer. It's actually an unofficial series of shots from the film set to music, similar to a trailer.
Mar 16 2007Chinese Ratatouille Trailer
A new verion of Pixar's Ratatouille trailer is littered with the nonsensical scribblings of the Chinese language, but plays out a scene to set up the story of the film for all those wondering just what this one's all about. It seems a young chef that has no talent for his craft discovers a sentient rat that understands the English they're speaking in Paris and forges a bond wherein the filthy animal will prepare meals for him. Pixar looks to have scored another hit, as with Toy Story and Cars, by animating the insane delusions of a madman.
Mar 16 2007Jeopardy! Desperately Pleads For Viewers
The event gave Alex Trebek his first orgasm in 23 years.
The Jeopardy! website has a cryptic message that tonight's show will be a history-making one, with an event that has never occurred before on the show and will likely never again. For some reason this has intrigued me enough to actually bother watching, making me the only person under 65 caring about the show.
Someone better be shot or something. I swear to god, if it's just a three-way tie, I'll be so pissed.
NOTE: This is going to cause me to miss Comedy Central's Scrubs rerun. Let me know what happens.
UPDATE: I'm so pissed.
Mar 16 2007Sherlock Holmes to be Reimagined for Screen
Variety reports that Warner Bros. is working on developing an edgy new take on Sherlock Holmes, playing up the dangerous, adventurous aspects of the detective. This will be the first attempt to make the character edgier since 1992's The Awesome Adventures of Sherlock Homeboy and the Xtreme Watson Kidz, which ended in a fatal rollerblading duel between Sherlock and Professor Radical.
Exact storyline is being kept under wraps, but creative execs at Warners say they are looking for the "Sherlock" team to reinvent the sleuth and his loyal No. 2 Dr. Watson in much the same edgy way that Christopher Nolan has reimagined Batman for Warners.
Wigram's vision has Holmes losing some of his Victorian stuffiness and being more adventuresome, including playing up his skills as a bare-knuckle boxer and expert swordsman as he goes about solving crimes.
I like the idea of bringing back Holmes with the same spirit of reinvention as Batman Begins, but it seems like a mistake to actually change such a classic character, having been around for over a century. There's a saying in Hollywood that you can change Air Bud's sport, but he has to be a dog wearing a jersey. These producers would be wise to heed this warning.
Mar 16 2007Blanchett Joins Indy 4
With its plot information still tightly concealed, Indiana Jones continues to build its star-heavy cast with the addition of Cate Blanchett. She will presumably play a woman so f***ed up by previous relationships that she thinks it's a good idea to get involved with a man nearly thirty years her senior with a reputation for moving from woman to woman between his global travels. Her strong-willed demeanor and ability to verbally spar with the equally stubborn Indiana conceal the deep insecurities about herself that allow her to be taken advantage of by the now elderly adventurer. Of course, that's just my guess. She might be a Nazi.
Mar 15 2007High School Musical in Speed Racer
Looking like an asshole pays off for Zac Efron.
According to Just Jared, High School Musical star Zac Efron is in talks to star as Speed in the Wachowski Brothers' adaptation of Speed Racer. If Efron nails the part, he can add the coveted nerd demographic to the adolescent girls he's already stolen the hearts of. It is said he who controls the nerds and the 10 to 14-year-old girls... controls the world. Is Zac Efron the geek/tween messiah written of (in Tiger Beat and Slashdot)? Only time will tell.
Mar 15 2007Trainspotting Sequel Pending Appropriate Aging
Trainspotting famously repopularized the classic "I'm in your toilet" prank.
During a classic question/answer format interview, Danny Boyle admitted the sequel to Trainspotting, Porno, will likely be coming once the Hollywood actors start showing their age.
We've been given the rights to do the sequel to it, and there is a script - a very early script from John Hodge, the writer of the first one. And we got the idea of doing it, but it depends on [the actors] being quite a bit older than they are at the moment. They need to have a bit of age. Our take on it is, their headiness - these guys who lived at the absolute brink, felt they were invincible and felt they could abuse themselves to the absolute limit - suddenly hit middle age. They're in their forties and they look it - but they don't really look it, those actors, yet. They're a bit moisturised up and looked after. So when they get a bit older, we'll have a go at sassing it up a bit, yeah.
So, until Ewan McGregor starts looking like he's 45, the only Porno we're going to see on screens is actual porno. By which I mean filmed pornography. By which I generally mean an overweight woman riding a thin, androgynous boy like a horse while 8-10 men, their faces concealed by latex masks but their bodies revealed in their utter hairlessness, masturbate on a full turkey dinner being eaten by an elderly Asian woman, seemingly unaware of what is transpiring before her. Perhaps it's not the dictionary definition, but it's certainly the one I find best suits my needs.
Mar 15 2007Don Cheadle is Miles Davis
Variety confirms that Don Cheadle will make his directorial debut producing and starring in a biopic about Miles Davis. I think it's really good casting to have Cheadle portray the jazz legend, and, no, I'm not just saying that because he's the only decent thin, black actor I can think of. When I come up with my other, more legitimate reasons, I'll post them here.
Sorry for the shortage of posting today. I had a doctor appointment run long. Seriously.
Mar 14 2007Venom Fights Spider-Man
Those worried that Venom would only appear at the end of Spider-Man 3, never to fight our hero, will be glad to see that the two do see a screen battle together. Now let's never mention it again.
Mar 14 2007Mad Max Moving Further Beyond Thunderdome
Speaking to Australian reporters, director George Miller confessed that he hopes to begin on a fourth Mad Max movie now that he finished his dream of animating dancing penguins. Though Mel Gibson played the title role in the original Max Max and its sequels, The Road Warrior and Beyond Thunderdome, Miller said he hoped to get a new young lead to take over the project since Gibson now seems more interested in directing, drunk driving, and finishing the work of Hitler.
Mar 14 2007Kickin' It Old Skool Posters
I don't know why Jamie Kennedy thinks it's so funny to act like a white thug, but he keeps showing us that he definitely does. I suggest you accept that before your indignity gets you X'ed.
The rest of the character posters for this hilarious joyride can be found here.
Mar 13 2007New Pirates of the Caribbean 3 Stills
This page has a ton of new stills from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, including this shot from what may be the Chinese version of Deal or No Deal. Instead of picking a girl to open a case of money, you just pick one of your daughters, who is then executed so you can try again for a male.
Mar 13 2007Dreamworks Animation Going Three-Dimensional
Dreamworks Animation has announced the futuristic notion that it has plans to start releasing all of its pictures in 3-D. Beginning with summer 2009's Monsters vs. Aliens, their animation projects will be created with 3-D in mind from the outset. This news follows Disney's decision to release Meet the Robinsons on about 600 3-D screens as well as the apparently overlooked rise and fall of 3-D popularity during the '50s. If the plan is successful, studios will hopefully continue investing in strange, dated movie trends like Smell-O-Vision, hand-painting black & white film, and driving a train at the camera to scare the audience into thinking it will fly out of the screen.
Mar 13 2007Grindhouse is Disgusting
Such tumors would qualify you for a TLC special.
Scans from the new Fangoria reveal that, yes, Planet Terror (Robert Rodriguez's portion of Grindhouse) does contain fleshy, gruesome mutants. If I ever reach this point of mutation, please don't shoot or otherwise kill me thinking I want to be put out of my misery. It's not as bad as it looks. But do feel free to stop inviting me to social things. I'll understand.
More mutants here.
Mar 13 2007Butler Eyeing Escape From New York Remake
Riding high on the success of 300, star Gerard Butler may next don the eye-patch of Snake Plissken in a remake of Escape From New York. In the original John Carpenter film, Kurt Russell played Snake, a convicted bank robber sent to Manhattan (now a maximum security prison) to save the President of the United States, who has crashed there.
There were no mention of changes to be made, but I'm assuming the '81 original's futuristic date of 1998 will be pushed ahead a bit (so that it's the future), and the part about terrorists hijacking the president's plane to crash into Manhattan, in good taste, will likely be altered as well. I propose, being that it's set in the future, the president accidentally teleports to the island instead of his planned destination of Moon White House. Once he realizes the error, he asks to be teleported back, but that's when he realizes that there's no way to talk to someone once you're teleported away from them. At the end, after Snake saves him, the president holds a conference enacting a new law that requires walkie talkies when teleporting, which he dubs "The Snake Act." Snake looks at the camera and winks, but with his eye-patch the audience is left wondering if it was just a slow blink.
Mar 13 2007First Shot From New Star Wars Series
Despite the fact there won't be anything to stand in line in a costume for, many Star Wars fans are getting worked up for the new animated series planned to continue the Clone Wars saga. Starwars.com has released the first shot from the new show, which looks to combine the stylized look of Genndy Tartakovsky's Cartoon Network series with slightly more realistic 3D renderings. In short, Yoda is now a Pokemon.
Mar 12 2007300 Wins the Weekend
"My opening is even bigger than your mom's, sucka."
This weekend, 300 took the top spot in the box office, bringing in an estimated $70 million and destroying its closest competitor, four past-their-prime actors playing four past-their-prime suburbanites in Wild Hogs. The massive earnings gives the epic the achievement of highest March opening ever, stealing the title from Ice Age 2: The Meltdown, which was apparently very popular, as well as becoming the third-highest opening for an R-rated film, just under The Matrix Reloaded and The Passion of the Christ. It also gained the honor, bestowed by the man behind me at the theater, of being "the most f***ed up crazy ass shit" he'd ever seen. This award was given about fifteen times during the course of the movie.
Mar 12 2007Kinkade To Paint Movie Screens, Light
The freshly fallen snow hides the team of savage rapists within the... Christmas Cottage! Christmas 2007.
Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Light™, has awed middle-America with his detailed depictions of cottages, bridges, gazebos(!), and other scenery decorated with pleasantly glowing highlights, earning his paintings a secure spot above collections of Precious Moments and Beanie Babies. Now, Lionsgate is hoping capitalize on Kinkade's immense popularity by bringing the lackluster winter scene, Christmas Cottage, to cinemas everywhere (also, above your grandma's couch). Variety mentions the film will be only partially biographic, leaving the remainder to be filled with a plot involving a snowy cabin, a wreath, a soft glow, and the Christian spirit of non-offensive mediocrity.
Mar 9 2007Tintin Headed to Screens
Decades after his creation, Tintin would have a tremendous influence on fratboy hairstyle.
For years there have been talks of Steven Spielberg's hope to make a movie based on the Belgian comic series The Adventures of Tintin, but with little real development. Now, word has come out that everyone finally has the go ahead to start this grandpa up:
"After 25 years, they finally said, `OK, let's go,'" Rodwell said of the protracted talks with Spielberg. In an interview with The Associated Press, Rodwell said the Hollywood company will go into preproduction for a movie, which should appear in theaters in about two years.
It wasn't clear whether the film would be cartoon animation, computer animation or a movie with actors, or which of the 24 cartoon books of Tintin's adventures would be picked.
Fans of the series should be thrilled that someone as respected as Steven Spielberg is taking on the project when so many others could butcher it. On the other hand, those who haven't read the series, like me, are left wondering, "Why is Spielberg making a movie about that German Shepherd police officer?"
Mar 9 2007Shazam! Movie Gets a Writer
"What the f***!?"
John August, writer of Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Big Fish, has been hired to pen New Line's Shazam!, a take on the DC's Captain Marvel character.
The comic book series focuses on Billy Batson, a teenager who becomes the superhero known as Captain Marvel when he utters the magic word "Shazam!" The name is an acronym for six gods and heroes of the ancient world as well as their attributes: the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the stamina of Aries, the power of Zeus, the courage of Achilles and the speed of Mercury.
I think they might be wasting their money writing an entirely new script for this tale of teenage transformation. They've already got Teen Wolf, so why not just change the wolf parts into Captain Marvel parts and call it a day? For instance, any instances of Teen Wolf howling are rewritten as "says Shazam!" Playing basketball as a wolf would be rewritten to say, "plays basketball as Captain Marvel." It seems pretty straightforward to me.
Mar 9 2007Eddie Murphy Starring in Fantasy Island
Unless this is a jest of the devil, Eddie Murphy is set to star in Fantasy Island, a film adaptation of the Ricardo Montalban and Hervé Villechaize series most commonly noted for the small guy's famous aerial sightings, "De plane! De plane!" As contractually obligated, Murphy will be playing several roles with the help of hilarious fat suits and voices.
Now, you're probably thinking what I did: It can't be as side-splittingly funny as Norbit, the new standard for our planet's comedy. Well, think again, friends. Fantasy Island is being written by the very same writers who brought us Norbit. We may have to rethink the rapidly developing saying, "Norbit can't strike twice." It just might!
Fact-asy Island: The one change the report fails to mention is that, by definition, Eddie Murphy's Fantasy Island will be full of transvestites.
Mar 9 2007Watchmen Test Hidden in 300 Trailer
The first test image from Zack Snyder's Watchmen adaptation has shown up online hidden in an extended trailer for 300; Ain't It Cool News later supplied a better quality version of the image. The flash frame of the trailer revealed a test shot of Rorschach, presumably testing if a man could wear a blotted white cloth over his head (results: success).
After Mel Gibson hid a shot of himself in the Apocalypto trailer, it makes you wonder what else we might be hidden within trailers, and why more nerds aren't studying them frame-by-frame to find out. Come on, guys, is World of Warcraft really that much more important?
Mar 8 2007Jason Lee Joins Alvin, Simon, Theodore
After just recently voicing Underdog, Jason Lee is moving on to play Dave Seville in the live-action/CGI Alvin and the Chipmunks planned to start shooting March 28. From Variety:
Jason Lee will star as David Seville in the CG/live-action hybrid pic "Alvin and the Chipmunks" for Fox 2000 and Fox Animation.
Penned by Jon Vitti and to be directed by Tim Hill, project is based on the 1950s cartoon series about chipmunks Alvin, Simon and Theodore, who lay waste to Seville's surroundings and sing in three-part harmony on such tunes as "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" and "The Witch Doctor."
It would seem that, with this and Underdog, Jason Lee must have an usual aptitude for acting in adaptation of the cartoons of yesteryear. In turn, it would seem the cartoons of yesteryear have the distinct talent of ruining Jason Lee's career.
Chipmunks Fact: After over forty years of requesting, Alvin no longer wants a hula hoop.
Mar 8 2007ER Heartthrob Up For Bond Villainy
According to a Croation newspaper, Goran Visnjic, star of ER, may be the villain in the next James Bond film after he impressed those involved with the film with his audition for Casino Royale.
It is rumoured that Goran's agent has confirmed the star is working on something massive and will be taking a well earned break from ER in late 2007. It is rumoured that Goran will be playing Vesper Lynd's former love interest and that his role will be sizable, menacing and significant to the plot of the upcoming Bond adventure.
This casting news comes as--wait a minute... ER is still on the air?
NOTE: Identifying Goran as a heartthrob did nothing to diminish my masculinity. Who are you to judge?
Mar 8 2007G.I. Joe Movie Stupider Than Originally Thought
Action Man questions the validity of this idea.
Earlier this week, it was revealed that a G.I. Joe movie was in the works, with Mark Wahlberg potentially starring. My hopes weren't high for the film, as it is based on military action figures, but after this summary of the plot provided by producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura, those hopes are completely shot.
Action Man is the equivalent of G.I. Joe internationally pretty much. It's a different character, but pretty much the same idea and his name is Alex Mann. So we're creating a buddy movie between Duke and Alex. That's what we're doing.
So, essentially he's taking two completely unrelated characters and teaming them up for no other reason than that they're both army guy toys. I was about to point out how stupid that is, comparing it to other infeasible team-ups I'd make up, but then I remembered Alien versus Predator, Freddy versus Jason, Batman versus Superman, and all the other team-ups done just because the characters were vaguely similar. So maybe this isn't as incredibly stupid and out there as I thought. It's just standardly stupid.
Is anyone else thinking Jackie Chan as G.I. Joe, Chris Tucker as Action Man? I smell money ($$$)!
Mar 7 2007Watch Andy Barker, P.I. Through Your Phone/Cable/DSL Line
NBC has posted six full episodes of Andy Richter's new midseason comedy entry, Andy Barker, P.I. Though I have yet to evaluate the series, I'm glad networks are finally starting to embrace the Internet has a way to popularize shows. Now you can even watch if you're one of those assholes who constantly tells people that "you don't own/watch television," even if no one asked. That's right, I know you. You're the same one who tells people you're vegetarian all the time. Hey, guess what? I didn't ask if you were vegetarian, I just asked if you wanted a hamburger, so enough with the preaching, man.
Mar 7 2007Shyamalan Still Making Films
Despite the general overall failure of his last picture, Lady in the Water, M. Night Shyamalan remains determined to continue his downward spiral with another film, The Happening (previously known as The Green Effect).
Pic, which will mark Shyamalan's first R-rated effort, is a paranoid thriller about a family on the run from a natural crisis that presents a large-scale threat to humanity. The pic is expected to carry a budget of around $57 million, and Shyamalan told Daily Variety he expects to cast a big male star for the lead.Shyamalan will prep and shoot "The Happening" as he continues to write the script for "Avatar: The Last Airbender." Shyamalan will follow with that live action film for Paramount.
In addition to the change of studio and the R-rating the film will carry, The Happening will be a departure from his previous work in that we now know the famous Shyamalan surprise ending before even see the film. This film's surprise: "Surprise! This one was even shittier than the last one!"
Mar 7 2007Paradise Lost: The Movie
"Sorry, dudes, you just lost paradise."
The Milton classic Paradise Lost, the epic poem about Lucifer, the temptation of Adam and Eve, their expulsion from Eden, and the high school students forced to read it, is apparently in talks to be made into a feature film. In typical Hollywood style, the whole "fall of man" bit is being largely omitted in favor of more on the sweet battle between the armies of Heaven and Hell (seriously).
Currently, Heath Ledger and Daniel Craig are the top choices for Lucifer, though Oprah is now making a run for the title with the extension of her show into 2011 and the discovery of the Oprah Toddler Slave Camps.
Mar 7 200725 Best Movie Posters Ever
This image will ruin the surprise of #1 for you.
Premiere Magazine, which just announced it would no longer be printing its issues, has posted a pretty interesting look at what they've dubbed the 25 best movie posters ever. Looking at the list, it's obvious that, as usual, the mainstream media blatantly ignored some of the great film posters just because they featured spread or shaved vaginas. F***ing conservatives.
Mar 7 2007Forrest Gump 2: Still Running
Now that quoting, "Life is like a box of chocolates," and "Run, Forrest, run!" has become, shall we say, a tad tired, Paramount is ready to move on to a sequel to the most popular mockery of the retarded to date, Forrest Gump. Based on the book's sequel by Winston Groom, Gump & Co., the film would take place a few years after the original, after the death of Jenny and the closure of Bubba-Gump Shrimp, leaving Forrest a slow-witted, unemployed, single father.
As usual, Forrest finds himself accidentally taking part in important historical events, this time of the '80s and '90s, even running into Tom Hanks (the audience is meant to chuckle at this, knowing that Tom Hanks is the actor playing Forrest Gump). I haven't read the book to know what other events are included, but I'd like to see Forrest accidentally bursting through the Berlin Wall and accidentally training Al-Qaeda soldiers to pilot commercial aircrafts as explosive weapons. Forrest's narration for this scene would close as follows, "Some years later, I heard those fellas flew too close to a couple'a buildings, caused a whole heap'a mess."
Mar 7 2007More Spider-Man 3 Venom Crap
Venom is now available as the above sex doll.
Ain't It Cool News has a collection of new Spider-Man 3 images, mostly of different stages of Venom's transformation, from the Art of Spider-Man 3 book. Some of the art includes models of makeup effects and sketches of character designs. Others define art with a much looser definition, such as a photograph of Topher Grace with fishing line tugging on parts of his face. Still, most dads will agree, it's more art than that "melting clock bullshit" or "whatever-the-f*** with the soup cans."
Mar 6 2007Fracture Poster
The poster for Fracture was just about to win the award for Most Boring Poster, but at the last minute it won Most Lecherous Gaze From a Creepy Old Man instead. Either way, consider it a winner.
Mar 6 2007Homo Erectus Trailer
Adam Rifkin, writer of the upcoming Underdog, has written, directed, and starred in a "caveman comedy" that appears to be the plot and jokes of a softcore porn without the erotic grinding. I need others to watch this just to tell me if there's absolutely any way this was made any later than 1995. They claim it's new this year, but I don't see how that's possible. Didn't anyone else see this trailer before Reality Bites?
Mar 6 2007Mist Set Pictures
Good news if you're excited about Frank Darabont's adaptation of Stephen King's short story The Mist: there are set reports and pictures here! The bad news: no mist.
Mar 6 2007300 Cinemax Exclusive Clip
Play the clip above for a Cinemax exclusive from 300 that features a short introduction by Zack Snyder and Gerard Bulter followed by gore-filled fight scene. Not safe for work if your work doesn't allow huge quantities of blood, excessive slow-motion, or gay undertones.
Mar 6 2007G.I. Joe Movie Planned with Wahlberg?
As the '80s toyline/cartoon series movie trend becomes the new superhero movie trend of Hollywood, producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura has revealed that following the release of Transformers, he has plans to immediately begin work on a big-screen adaptation of G.I. Joe. Mark Wahlberg, who has worked with di Bonvaventura on Shooter and Four Brothers, is already being mentioned for the role of G.I. Joe team leader, Duke, a widely-acknowledged real American hero.
No word yet on specifically how this pleasant memory of childhood will be butchered, but I'm imagining the terrorist outfit Cobra will be altered to reflect current threats, possibly renamed Al Qobra, and I'm assuming Larry the Cable Guy will have a supporting role as the "goofy but dependable explosives expert who's always eager to 'Git 'er done.'"
Mar 6 2007Spider-Man 3 Full-Scene Madness
Last night, NBC gave Howie Mandel a brief respite from commanding women to open briefcases to provide the geek community with over seven minutes of new footage from Spider-Man 3. It opens with scenes of Peter and Mary Jane canoodling in a web and Peter and Aunt May discussing marriage and her dead husband. This is what I refer to as the "p**** section," because enjoying this section too much means you're definitely a big puss. The proper response is to roll your eyes and mutter that you hope this is building up to something exciting. Man alive, is it! The latter half of the footage, hereafter referred to as "awesome fighting section," is exactly what it sounds like, featuring a mid-air battle between Peter Parker and Harry Osborn as whatever his x-treme sports-style derivative of the Green Goblin is.
If the above link goes down, it's available at NBC.com until 9:00 PT tonight, after which it will be available for $25 as a third-generation VHS dub from a freak at a comics convention.
Mar 2 2007Cage Speaks on National Treasure 2
Thesbian Nicolas Cage was recently kind enough to provide the world with an interview regarding the sequel to National Treasure, which is currently being scripted. When asked, "Is it about Abraham Lincoln?", a commonly asked question, Cage replied:
Yeah, Abraham Lincoln and confederate gold and the assassination. It's interesting stuff. What I like about the 'National Treasure' potential series is that it deals with history and it's also entertaining. That's also a good thing. There are worse things to do than to stimulate young people's minds about history as you're entertaining them.
Nic makes a good point about National Treasure stimulating the minds of our youth about history, particularly made up history about the Founding Fathers hiding secret treasure with clues embedded in famous historical documents. If it hadn't been for the inspiration of that film, it's unlikely that 10-year-old Matthew Wilson of Chicago, IL would have discovered the hidden map on the back of Washington's wooden teeth that led to finding all that gold in Thomas Jefferson's corpse. Congratulations again, Matty!
Mar 2 2007New Spider-Man 3 Art
With just a couple months left until the big release, Sony has released some new Spider-Man 3 artwork. They're worried that with all the other posters and trailers and crap out there, we might somehow not understand that this black shit covers him and gives him a new suit. So take a look at this airbrushed creation of Spider-Man having black shit cover him and give him a new suit.
Additionally, there will be a few minutes of footage shown during and immediately after this Monday's Heroes that will hopefully give us a clue as to if Spider-Man gets covered in any black shit and/or gets some sort of new suit.
Mar 2 2007Paprika Trailer
While American animation continues to stagnate in the world of Shrek sequels, the Japanese are reinventing my nightmares with strange, surreal imagery and terrifying mutations, as seen in this trailer for Paprika. I don't know how to explain what it looks like except by saying that this might be your new "playing Pink Floyd and staring at a black light poster."
Mar 2 2007Galactus Confirmed for Fantastic Four 2
A large headpiece is frequently compensation for other inadequacies.
There has been a lot of Internet rumor and speculation about whether Galactus, devourer of worlds and the occasional Cheesy Gordita Crunch (when available), will appear in The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Director Tim Story has confirmed on his MySpace that he indeed will.
There continues to be much speculation about Galactus. Major speculation. We haven't finished the design of him/it so be careful about what you read and believe. Trust me...no one knows. One things for sure, you can expect to see him/it. It will be pretty powerful. I'm having a lot of fun with the concept and believe me - MOST will be satisfied.
Plan your day accordingly.
Mar 2 2007Geico Cavemen Coming to TV
ABC has announced that they are developing the popular "Caveman" series of Geico Auto Insurance commercials into a half-hour comedy project, or, if you prefer, a thinly-disguised infomercial series. The ads have gathered a following for their jokes about prehistoric men fighting prejudice from the modern world, much in the way hobos fight the prejudice of me and my "hobo stick."
Strange as is it seems, this won't be the first time a commercial has made the jump to a series, as Baby Bob, based on dot-com ads, did the same thing in 2002. It also won't be the first time a caveman stars in a regular sitcom, with Ted Danson having played a caveman bartender on Cheers and a caveman doctor on Becker to mixed results.
Mar 1 2007Danny Boyle to Direct Ponte Tower
Danny Boyle, director of 28 Days Later and the upcoming Sunshine, has announced his next project to be Ponte Tower, a thriller set entirely within South Africa's massive skyscraper of the same name. The 54-story cylindrical tower once stood as a powerful phallus of white affluence under Apartheid, but eventually became a virtual hellhole with the increased presence of gang member residents and the strength of the powerful orc armies. Michael Thomas' script, loosely based on a book by Norman Ohler, tells the story of a girl from Soweto who moves to the tower at the end of Apartheid, only to come under the control of a charming drug lord.
Ponte Tower Fact: The cylindrical tower's hollow center means that it could be filled with candy, likely ending the gang disputes within.
Mar 1 2007A Werewolf Woman of the SS
Rob Zombie has posted some half-naked pictures of his wife on his MySpace, showing a scene from his contribution to Grindhouse, Werewolf Women of the SS. It kind of got me wondering which aspect of a Werewolf Women of the SS would most prevent you from sleeping with her. The choices are...
a) That she's a werewolf.
b) That she's a Nazi.
c) That she's had sex with Rob Zombie.
To me, the choice is obviously C. The first two considerations can be ignored if you keep your rendezvous away from full moons and Kosher delis. There will still be the guilt that you're sleeping with a Nazi, but isn't there always some? As for having slept with Rob Zombie, there's no amount of cleaning that's washing away that sin.
See more at Mr. Zombie's MySpace.
Mar 1 2007Prince of Persia Concept Art
Even on horses, the Persian in the middle is said to be "riding bitch."
Following rumor that a movie based on the video game Prince of Persia is being developed, supposed concept art has now been released, depicting how Disney would like the film to look. That look is apparently like a painting you'd find at a garage sale.
Two more here.
Mar 1 2007Captivity Poster
Elisha Cuthbert as a busty Han Solo.
This sexy new poster for the Elisha Cuthbert's horror Captivity gives an all new meaning to "putting 'em on the glass." Unless you already considered "'em" to be breasts, then it's the same meaning of smushing breasts against glass.
Mar 1 2007Borat DVD Looks Like Bootleg
According to Slash Film, the DVD cover art for Borat, coming out this Tuesday, is designed to give the impression of a pirated bootleg, an added reminder of the poverty level and criminality of the people mocked within.
Apparently there is not a word of english on the packaging. The DVD cover also appears to look color-copied (complete with off color tones, slightly blurred company logos, blurry text and moire pattern/lithographic scans.
What's odd is that I haven't seen this information anywhere else, and any other shots I've seen of the cover (Amazon, for instance) have shown English writing. I tried confirming the story with a kind shirtless man on Canal St. who was selling a version of Borat quite similar to this. He assured me this was the accurate "bootleg" look of the cover for not just Borat, but many other films as well. Spider-Man 4, for instance, lists the cast and plot summary of True Lies on the back, I guess as a joke. I confessed that I didn't think Spider-Man 3 had even been released yet, let alone 4, which shirtless man took as an offer to buy both.
Now twenty minutes into Spider-Man 4, I feel it plays eerily similarly to a third-generation copy of Arachnophobia.
