January 15, 2007

Golden Globes Coverage!

Golden Globes coverage in progress! It's like a big dumb prom with trinkets! See uninformed opinions below cut!

George Clooney just awarded Jennifer Hudson Best Supporting Actress, a consolation prize for losing American Idol. Clooney's most impressive award still remains a tie between good looks, charm, and rampant liberalism. Hudson closed her speech by saying we wouldn't forget someone, possibly the person she played. I've forgotten who and never heard of them in the first place.

Prince's Happy Feet song wins an award for music, while good taste again failed to even reach nomination. Justin Timberlake waited awkwardly for Prince to come, but he never appeared. This has happened to me more times than I can count.

They've just announced "Miss Golden Globe." I'm sorry if you've won this, but it's an imaginary title.

Jeremy Irons won Best Supporting Actor for TV Crap, awarding him for not being in a movie with dragons (and being old). Jeremy Piven would have thought it was his name coming, but he was actually listening for "John Cusack." P.S.: Irons appears to be bleeding through his shirt.

David Spade was introduced as host of The Showbiz Show. They might as well have introduced him as "shopper at Target," as a shopping trip would have lasted as long as his show. Unless the show is still on, which I can't imagine. Kyra Sedgwick wins best Actress TV Lady. It's sad when people are so genuinely excited for these when they've been acting for so long. Hey, Kyra, didn't you see American Idol just walk out with one of these?

They won't shut up about the glory of the Hollywood Foreign Press. How meta. Yeah, you're fucking great. Meryl Streep pretends to be surprised she's mentioned as a prior award winner. Jack Nicholson pretends to be K-Pax, as he has for the last five years.

Emily Blunt won something (for acting?). It's a real strain to actually pay attention to some of these.

House MD won for acting overly-idiosyncratic in a continuing series. A limp, stubble, and constant bitterness couldn't be beat. Warren Beatty appeared to be text messaging someone under the table. Projected text: "house md 1. where r u?"

The nominations for Best Animated Film are: every cartoon we could remember this year. Seeing the clips helped me understand why kids are retarded. Cars won. As the director thanked the voice talent, I desperately waited for the shot of Larry Cable Guy in a tux with the sleeves cut off. More disappointment.

Meryl Streep wins Best Actress? Get the fuck out of town! Her apparent surprise/emotion is the biggest testament to her acting ability. The real emotion would come out if she'd lost to Beyonce. "Destiny's Fucking Child beat me? Maybe instead of becoming America's most cherished actress of her generation, I should have wrote a song about how delicious my ass is, huh?"

Elizabeth I won Best Mini-Series against another Helen Mirren mini-series. Watching this makes me feel like I'm losing blood.

I just saw Prince in the background. He must have been primping when he didn't get his award.

Eddie Murphy won Best Actor for Dreamgirls. By tomorrow morning, a transvestite prostitute will own a Golden Globe.

The award for Best Actor in Mini-Series/TV Movie goes to Bill Nighy. He's sadly moved on to the stage of old age where you wear giant glasses all the time.

Helen Mirren picks up her first win as a queen (of a possible 2) for Elizabeth I. When Bruce Vilanch heard about all the "queen" nominations this year, thinking of the joke possibilities probably made his head explode, spreading a thick coating of Muppet-like fur across his nest.

The Queen won for best screenplay. The writer mistook himself for someone who got to speak and make a point. Applause was reluctantly awarded when the point seemed to be over. Then, someone found Tim Allen drunk in the back and brought him out, his shirt already unbuttoned before even the halfway point.

Alec Baldwin wins Best Supporting Actor narrowly keeping 30 Rock on the air.

Ugly Betty winning Best Comedy Series indicates to me that the Hollywood Foreign Press has never seen television before. The entire show is just a high school nerd vs. popular kids movie set in The Devil Wears Prada, starring Velma of Scooby Doo.

Clint Eastwood accepted the Best Foreign Language Film award for Letters from Iwo Jima, sending those rotten foreigners the message that we even make better foreign films than you, rest of the world. Go USA! The irony is that, being that this is the foreign press, the rotten foreigners sent the message to themselves. Maybe the win was just payment for keeping Larry the Cable Guy out of the building.

This show would be better if winners were chosen in the style of Deal or No Deal. And that's saying a lot, because Deal or No Deal is a really bad show.

Hugh Grant acknowledging Prince's win, now that he was present, was the first time I've seen Brad Pitt smile all evening. He's probably thinking, "Maybe I should adopt a prince of some impoverished place that would sell their prince for enough Ocean's 13 merchandise. I'll take it up with Angie."

Ugly Betty wins the award for playing Ugly Betty. This is because most of Hollywood maintains the mindset, "Playing ugly is the hardest thing to do when you're beautiful, like we are. That and playing a 'tard. That's tough, too. Especially how they scream and stuff."

Now, as we reminisce on the many noteworthy performances of Warren Beatty, let us forget his many illegitimate children.

Half an hour later, still fawning over Warren Beatty's many accomplishments, I now see that this entire ceremony was an elaborate ruse to sell Bulworth DVDs.

Martin Scorsese wins Best Director for The Departed. The Beatty ordeal has sucked further commentary out of me.

Sascha Baron Cohen just won Best Comedy Actor for bein' so gosh-darned funny as that Borat character. Is mocking other cultures the new playing mentally disabled? For the sake of argument, let's say so.

If Dane Cook were intentionally mocking Tim Allen by wearing an identical open shirt, I'd think he were funny for the first time. Instead, he's just cementing himself as the biggest douche of history.

Winners: Dreamgirls, Grey's Anatomy, overpowering apathy.

Helen Mirren wins Best Actress for playing a queen. Didn't Heath Ledger already do that for Brokeback Mountain? Ooooh! -- Bruce Vilanch.

(I hope Philip Seymour Hoffman looks like a rapist for a role.)

Forest Whittaker is the Best Actor. Wisconsinites shouting at Al Roker in front of The Today Show have given more articulate speeches.

As Arnold Schwarzenegger read the list of nominated films for Best Picture, I didn't actually realize that was what he was doing. I thought he was saying hi to his kids or something. But it turned out his goodnight message to "Barba" was Babel, which he eventually revealed as the winner, saying it completely differently the second time.

The end.

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