The Oscar nominations were released today and it's taken me this long to post them? I'd better have a good excuse. I DO! Using sophisticated analysis, I've determined the surefire predictors, and I'm passing on to you the most accurate list available of who will take home the awards in the major categories. Please, to be fair to those who don't read this, no wagering.
Performance by an actor in a leading role
Leonardo DiCaprio in "Blood Diamond"
Ryan Gosling in "Half Nelson"
Peter O'Toole in "Venus"
Will Smith in "The Pursuit of Happyness"
Forest Whitaker in "The Last King of Scotland"
Just when it seems like DiCaprio can't be beat, having ridden his anger at no double-"nom" for The Departed into a thorough beating of Gosling and Smith, O'Toole, in full Lawrence of Arabia garb, appears seemingly out of nowhere. Though aged, his lithe frame moves with a surprising grace, forcing DiCaprio to admit Titanic was "pretty gay" before delivering the final blow. Unfortunately, the O'Toole's victory dance covers the sound of Whitaker's snarls as he slices the Venus star's hamstrings with a move he'd been saving since Ghost Dog.
WINNER: Forest Whitaker
Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Alan Arkin in "Little Miss Sunshine"
Jackie Earle Haley in "Little Children"
Djimon Hounsou in "Blood Diamond"
Eddie Murphy in "Dreamgirls"
Mark Wahlberg in "The Departed"
A physical and emotional standoff between Arkin, Haley, Hounsou, Wahlberg and an unnamed sassy fat woman ends abruptly when it's discovered Murphy was actually all five parts. When the laughter finally fades, he is awarded five Oscars.
WINNER: Eddie Murphy
Performance by an actress in a leading role
Penelope Cruz in "Volver"
Judi Dench in "Notes on a Scandal"
Helen Mirren in "The Queen"
Meryl Streep in "The Devil Wears Prada"
Kate Winslet in "Little Children"
The nominees, looking lovely in their gowns, quickly devolve into blood-thirsty killers. Dench proves she's more than just a "dame" when she emerges with clumps of hair, clearly from Cruz and Winslet, larger than her stylish Vuitton clutch. As Mirren and Dench slip into a heated argument of who's "queenier," Streep discreetly collects the award for a role she describes in her acceptance speech as "a bullshit cakewalk."
WINNER: Meryl Streep
Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Adriana Barraza in "Babel"
Cate Blanchett in "Notes on a Scandal"
Abigail Breslin in "Little Miss Sunshine"
Jennifer Hudson in "Dreamgirls"
Rinko Kikuchi in "Babel"
During what appears to be the bloodiest battle since 'Nam, the fearsome five fall out of sight for a time described by some onlookers as as few as two minutes, by others as many as twenty. When all is said and done, Blanchett rises and approaches the stage. As a gorgeously dressed Cameron Diaz prepares to deliver the award, Blanchett drapes herself unnaturally over the podium. It's revealed she was only being held up by the stiff microphone stand run through her lifeless corpse by the night's winner, Jennifer Hudson.
WINNER: Jennifer Hudson
Best animated feature film of the year
Achievement in directing
"Babel" Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu
"The Departed" Martin Scorsese
"Letters from Iwo Jima" Clint Eastwood
"The Queen" Stephen Frears
"United 93" Paul Greengrass
Eastwood shows he's still got it by bringing out his old six-shooter and dispatching his fellow nominees with a valiant attempt at recreating his famous "Do I feel lucky" speech from Dirty Harry. Time and age prove to have taken their toll, with Eastwood's quote ending up fairly muddled, now ending with "Where's my lucky doggy?"
WINNER: Clint Eastwood
Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
"I Need to Wake Up" from "An Inconvenient Truth"
Music and Lyric by Melissa Etheridge
"Listen" from "Dreamgirls"
Music by Henry Krieger and Scott Cutler
Lyric by Anne Preven
"Love You I Do" from "Dreamgirls"
Music by Henry Krieger
Lyric by Siedah Garrett
"Our Town" from "Cars"
Music and Lyric by Randy Newman
"Patience" from "Dreamgirls"
Music by Henry Krieger
Lyric by Willie Reale
No one cares enough to battle for the prize, and the decision is left to a board of out-of-touch industry voters.
WINNER: One of the turds from Dreamgirls.
Best motion picture of the year
"Letters from Iwo Jima"
"Little Miss Sunshine"
Babel and The Departed are made to look like a couple of pussies under the might of Letters from Iwo Jima, which in-turn falls to Little Miss Sunshine (the name ends up being sort of ironic). Despite its strong showing, LMS still finds itself unable to beat boring historic drama bullshit. I mean, come on--it's the Oscars.
WINNER: The Queen
Completists can see the complete list here.