Dec 22 2006First Peek at Silver Surfer
From USA Today comes the first look at the Silver Surfer in the new Fantastic Four. His smooth head and concerned eyes make him reminiscent of a young, silver Montel Williams, but only the real Montel is naive enough to believe in psychic Sylvia Browne so strongly as to bring her in every Wednesday (and sometimes Fridays, during the summer).
For those unfamiliar with the comic, Silver Surfer is an intergalactic herald to the powerful Galactus, devourer of worlds. Created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, he was based on the misjudged timeless popularity of surfing in the '60s, similar to the later creations of Golden Rollerbladeer and Captain Segwayer.
Dec 22 2006Grindhouse Teaser
The teaser trailer for the Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino double-feature Grindhouse is on Yahoo! Movies. It looks like the film, or at least the trailer, has had scratches, hairs, and projector noise added to give them a gritty feel in even the most sophisticated high-end digital cinemas. Meanwhile, poorer theaters, whose projection systems already add these problems, will have nearly unwatchable prints, further breaking the spirit of America's lower class. I still think we should make them wear a "poor" sign, though. How else will we know they're criminals?
Dec 21 2006Music and Lyrics We've Heard Before
From the creator of Two Weeks Notice and the Miss Congeniality franchise comes Music and Lyrics, with romcom stalwarts Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore playing the same characters they always play in a story so familiar and trustworthy that audiences will likely make the same mistake I made with my uncle in his "playroom."
Dec 21 2006Keith Richards as Pirate of Caribbean
Photographic evidence supplied by Midget Rolling Stones Fan proves once and for all that your Jack Sparrow Halloween costume wasn't as fucking unique as you thought.
Dec 21 2006Grindhouse Posters
This lobby card for Quentin Tarantino's portion of the double-feature Grindhouse, Death Proof, got me pretty psyched-up about the film. Until I was told this was the final photograph of Princess Diana.
See more from Death Proof here, with Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror lobby cards over here.
Dec 21 2006Ocean's 13 Trailer
Ocean's 13 is the latest film to follow the hallowed Hollywood philosophy, "Even if it didn't start as a trilogy, it sure will be after we make a third one." In this installment, the Ocean boys prove they don't need the dolphin-toothed grin of Julia Roberts to continue the novelty of adding a number to the title of each sequel. With the addition of Al Pacino (Scarface, Scarface airbrushed t-shirts) to the ranks of George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Bernie Mac, and a host of others either too old or obscure to mention, this trailer shows that these hunky superstars will prove 13 won't be unlucky next June!*
*final clause written by staff of Extra.
Dec 21 2006Celebrity Voices in TMNT
When the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trailer came out without stars' names attached, I assumed the voices would largely be provided by voice of Cheerios Bee, older brother from Boy Meets World, Mark Hamil, etc. As it turns out, some actual stars will be joining the cast but not in the title roles. According to USA Today, in addition to the earlier announcement that tech industrialist Max Winters will be voiced by Patrick Stewart, Sarah Michelle Gellar will voice April (because Geller is attractive, giving her an attractive voice somehow), Chris Evans plays sports equipment enthusiast Casey Jones (needed a male voice, spun wheel), Zhang Ziyi takes the role of Foot leader Karai (Lucy Liu was busy/is less Asian), and Kevin Smith shows up for a cameo as a chef (because he's fat!). The extra costs of this celebrity voice talent will surely pay off when children beg their mothers, "Can we see Turtles, with Zhang Ziyi? I absolutely loved her strong yet vulnerable performance in Ang Lee's epic Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and while I find Kevin Smith more suited to writing pseudo-witty, dialog-driven, raunchy comedy, he will surely add a humorous element in his bit part."
Dec 20 2006Transformers Trailer
The trailer for Transformers looks like every other Michael Bay movie, except with transforming robots. It did, however, give me a good idea for a porno version. Transboners tells the story of a team of alien dildos that have sex with women, then turn into robots and have sex with the women again. Then the women have sex with cars. There's a sticker on the box explaining that Transboners isn't transexual themed, and there will be no returns just because you expected transexual robot action and didn't read the sticker.
UPDATE: Better options for viewing here.
Dec 20 2006Wild Hogs Trailer
The hokey, ridiculously present soundtrack combined with unnecessary title cards makes me think this John Travolta/Tim Allen/William H. Macy/Martin Lawrence vehicle is actually some kind of mash-up trailer mixing dubbed footage from Easy Rider with footage from Be Cool, The Shaggy Dog, The Cooler, and something where Martin Lawrence isn't in a fat suit. The trailer will appeal mostly to middle-aged suburban men, like the characters in the movie, who also hope to escape their boring lives. Particularly if their idea of escape involves watching dull, formulaic comedy.
Dec 20 2006Get a Clue! It's the Nancy Drew Trailer!
The first half of the trailer focuses on how Nancy Drew is obnoxiously proficient at every skill imaginable, while the second half concentrates on her varying popularity among boys and female social groups and her attempted assassination by explosive device. The only evidence for a mystery is the brief mention of one, which quickly reverts to more discussion of her romantic and social life, and it's never made clear why this isn't airing exlusively on the Disney Channel following Cheetah Girls 2.
Dec 20 2006Fast Track Trailer
In Fast Track, Zach Braff struggles through family and co-worker comedy well covered in sterling films like Meet the Parents and Anger Management. Even though we see the triumphant return of Grodin here, as well as the best take on the trying-to-prove-a-guy-can-walk-by-pulling-
him-out-of-his-wheelchair-only-to-find-out-you're-wrong-much-too-late gag since The Big Lebowski, the most important thing this trailer provides is further proof that 2007 will be the year of the Bateman.
Dec 20 2006Under New Management Poster
If Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj wasn't evidence enough that Kal Penn was on the sad path of making the kind of party movies that haven't been seen since the '80s, this poster for Under New Management should ease any doubts.
Dec 19 2006Mr. Magorium Has Shitty Wonders
Sorry for the short absence, but my family demanded my presence for an early holiday visit and I forgot my obligations of inconsequential movie news with unfunny commentary.
New shots from Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium reveal that Mr. Magorium's "wonders" are actually mundane objects, such as crayons, poorly-fashioned wooden houses, sticks and an abacus, that have simply been rainbow colored. You can decide if it's that he's deceived us into thinking they're actual wonders or the hot filly he's got behind the counter that's causing Mr. Magorium's smug asshole grin.
More shots, including a Bateman, over here.
Dec 19 2006Shrek the Third Trailer
If you loved Shrek 1 and 2, you've got to see the trailer for Shrek the Third! Maybe that will finally beat the misplaced interest out of you.
Dec 19 2006Joe Barbera Exits, Stage Left
Joe Barbera, the latter half of the Hanna-Barbera team animation team that created Tom & Jerry, the Flintstones, and many more, died Monday of natural causes. Though perhaps best known for his comic creations, were it not for his work on the Yogi Bear series of documentaries, we'd probably never know what a thieving son of a bitch that bear was.
Dec 19 2006Nancy Drew Poster
Here's the poster to the film adaptation of Nancy Drew, the premiere of which I suspect will be a Dateline pedophile raid. As the poster implies, this case features N.D. hot on the trail of finding out who shaved this fat little Ewok in the lower left.
Nancy Fact: In order to explain to those unfamiliar with the character that Nancy Drew is a detective of sorts, the poster is covered in ornate magnifying glasses, the official symbol of nosy teenage amateur detectives.
Dec 19 2006Fred Claus Poster
The poster for Fred Claus shows us that not only does Santa have that annoying relative like we do, he also has a poorly Photoshopped peep-hole door on his faux-wood fiberglass door that obscures how absurdly fat Vince Vaughn's head has gotten, like we do.
Dec 19 2006Madman Finally Heading to Screens
Only ten years or so after everyone lost interest in the pop-art comic, the Mike Allred classic Madman, long in talks for a feature, will finally be brought to screens by George Huang, director of Swimming With Sharks. So start reading the collections now if you'd like to the first one I punch in the theater for continually describing which scenes are or are not just like the comic.
